I like just the egg whites, fried so the edges are lacy and crispy, but not rubbery. I don’t love yolk, especially not runny yolks. I like whites fried in a light and neutral oil so it’s not too heavy, then seasoned with maldon salt and good pepper. I am aware this is weird, and apparently no one else likes their eggs this way. I shouldn’t have to justify this, but I’m actually a very adventurous eater and a decent chef (for context, my work has been featured in Bon Appetit). For some reason, men think that in all my 4 decades on this planet, I’m a sheltered bumpkin who has never tried eggs their way (usually turns out to be sunny side up fried in butter), and insist on making eggs like this. Why bother asking my egg preferences in the first place? Do they think they will blow my mind with something so pedestrian as eggs sunny side up? They’ll say, “oh, I’ll just eat the yolk for you.” “No David. It’s still fried in butter, and the damn yolk will run everywhere. Why can’t you just make it the way I want it?”

This inevitably translates to lousy performance in the bedroom. If they can’t listen to my egg request, how on earth are they going to listen when I tell them how to make me orgasm? No, these fools will try what worked on previous partners (or what they’ve seen in porn), and think there’s something wrong with me when it doesn’t work. They love to disregard the instruction manual.

Eggs could be anything. Maybe it’s a guy ordering a bottle of red wine when you’ve said you prefer white. Maybe it’s knowing you’re vegan, but he chooses a sushi joint for your first date. Curious to hear your experiences and collective wisdom.