Why do some women still choose to be stay at home parents?

Siukslinis_acc · 2022-04-13T09:15:30+00:00

Because they enjoy being a parent more than slaving for a corporation and also they have partners whom they trust that they will not screw them over. I have a coworker who would love to be a full time mom and have more children (they already have 3, but she abstaining from having more due to fear of what her older age could do to the kid (genetically speaking) also the lack of space in the flat).

grandparents are often far or unwilling to participate

Some grandparents can't takecare of their granchildren because they too have go to work as they are not retired (as retirement age is increasing throughout the year).

On the other hand there are some baffling American attitudes like "I need to raise my own child" as if kindergartens mean parents aren't raising a child,

There is a quality context. a small child will have a higher quality care when 1 or more person is taking case of them and not when one person has to take care of 10-20 (or more) children at the same time. There is a difference then a child gets 100% attention from a caretaker rather than 10-5% attention. You notice more subtile things about the kid if you don't also have to pay close attention to 10-20 other kids.

A kid learns better with a tutor 1 on one that with a teacher in a class of 30. as the tutor can adapt the learning material to the quirks/traits of the child, while the teacher has to use one way of teaching and hope it fits the learning style of 30 children.

and a bit of an obsessive approach I think, definitely not let kids play outside by themselves...

I think it's hard to understand the fears about your own child (and knowing how stupid small children tend to be) if you haven't had children on your own. Especially nowadays those fears are increased because we have an easy and constant influx of stories where children got lost, kidnapped, got themselves killed (by running into a car, locking themselves up somewhere hidden). And the parents are no longer jaded as they were in the past (because many children didn't even live to age 5), so losing a child is more damaging.

There is also a law in my country where parents can't leave their kids under 14 alone at home (unless there is a sibling who is over 14). So there also might be laws that make parents behave so overprotective (as one who is not a parent is not aware of those laws).

I also think the common argument that your salary is so little it mostly covers the daycare is poor - first of all, the daycare cost should be split so a woman would still have a portion of her own income, it wouldn't all go to daycare, and second, by working she gets a chance to grow that income from there or get a better job later while by not working you're frozen there.

Talking about daycare it's usually seen as the cost for the family (so both parents income are pooled together). Imagine one earns 600 and the other earns 1100 a month. the cost of daycare is 800 a month. If we pool the family money, if both parents work, then the family has 900 in disposable money, but if one takes the "job" a personal childcare, the family has 1100 as disposable income. Also, who says that the man can't give his wife money as a sort of income where she is free to dispose of it how she wants).

There is also logictical isues with daycare. It could be that you got the spot in a daycare that is on the opposite side of the city from your work. and you have to pick up your child before 18:00 or you pay a fine for the time that you are late to pick up the child. You work (as most people) tikk 17:00 and you have 0 chance to get to the other side of the city through trafic jams before 18:00. Also daycare doesn't start to work at 6:00, so you are probably still gonna be late to work even if you bring the child to daycare at the earliest time possible.

Also gas usage. Imagine that your job is 10 km from your house, the daycare is also 10 km from your house but in opposite direction. so in order to bring your child to daycare and go to work, you would need to drive 30 km. and 30 km. again after work. so it's 60 km. with daycare versus 20 km. if no daycare a day.

Nowadays with better conditions for remote work, those stay at home moms can have jobs when the child no longer demands their full attention (like starts to go to school).

I am not talking about stay at home dads even though they're a thing because I feel they are much rarer and usually what I noticed is that they see it less as their main role but more like working from home/focusing on hobbies/between jobs deal. I don't know any stay at home mums or dads, but what I noticed online is that usually when guys justify staying at home they say stuff like "I love it, it's so much fun, I get to play games with my kids, I have time for my hobbies" and women say things like "staying at home is incredibly hard work, it's exhausting, never ends..."

I think it's more because for stay at home dads it's more on the voulantary basis. They choose to be stay at home dad. While often (especially in the past) women can't choose not tho be a stay at home mom. Society expects moms to be a stay at home parent and it also critiques women who chose not to be a stay at home parent. So women feel a preassure from society to be a stay at home mom, like men feel the preassure to be a breadwinner (look at how society mocks men when their wives earnmore than they). I have read men complaining that when they take care of their child, people tend to say that the dad gives a free day for mom and is babysitting his own child.

guys justify staying at home they say stuff like "I love it, it's so much fun, I get to play games with my kids, I have time for my hobbies"

Women who love to be stay at home mums say the same thing.

women say things like "staying at home is incredibly hard work, it's exhausting, never ends..."

Dads who would be forced either by circumstances or by society to be a stay at home dad would say the same.

DXBrigade · 2022-04-13T09:28:59+00:00

Some women don't like their jobs or aren't passionate with their career so they would rather stay at home.

As for how hard it is, it all depends on the quality of the SAHM. Some SAHM are lazy and don't do much, others act like perfect soccer moms.

velvetalocasia · 2022-04-13T06:32:38+00:00

I want to be a stay at home mom because I'm really passionate about raising my future children. It was hugely impactful to have my mother at home and I'm grateful my parents could afford to be very present in my life. I do believe that any kind of daycare and school has a huge impact on how my children are raised and that does bother me. When you're that little, the adult figures who are around you the most in life are your parents. If my kids are spending half their day with another adult who is an authority figure, of course they're going to view them as a parent. Especially when they're very young. I of course will depend on my family a lot as long as they are available tho.

Being able to stay at home with my children is a privilege I hope I will someday be able to enjoy. Financially, I'm not sure it will be viable as two income households have changed financial needs dramatically, but it's a dream of mine nonetheless.

NockerJoe · 2022-04-13T07:30:11+00:00

This is really awkward to explain but normal people actually like being around their families and want to do it as much as possible.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-04-13T07:21:33+00:00

It can be better for the children, or seen to be, and many enjoy it and feel it is as or more fulfilling to a job, or think they will. As for the difference between SAHMs and SAHDs, SAHDs are going against stereotypes and usually only do this if they're passionate about it and have really thought it too. (I also think that it'd be interesting to see a study on their comparative family incomes as anecdotally it seems that SAHDs are usually richer, which would help a great deal.) Whereas women are told pretty much from birth that their job is the family, and they should sacrifice what they want for their partner and family, which leads to more SAHMs and also more of them who don't really want to do it and aren't suited, but they feel like it's their job.

Cupcakelover1985 · 2022-04-13T09:59:37+00:00

It’s because daycare and Nannie’s are expensive here in the US and this is especially true if you want quality care for your child. For some families it’s cheaper for one partner to stay home vs paying for childcare because childcare costs would exceed that parents salary.

For example. The daycare I worked at their tuition now is 3k for infants. That’s 36k a year. They give a 10% discount if you have more than one child but that’s still 32.4K for the 2nd and/or 3rd kid. Let’s say a couple makes a combined income of 80k(for simplicity’s sake) the husband makes 60k the wife makes 20k. Their living expenses before childcare cost 30k. In a scenario like this it’d be cheaper and more cost effective to temporarily “lose” the wife’s income and have her raise the kids vs paying for childcare.

Then on the other hand. A lot of American daycares are poor quality. They do the bare minimum if even that and staff aren’t always taking care of kids to the quality the parents would like. Like back when I was in childcare there was a teacher who wouldn’t change the kids diapers unless they pooped. So they’d just be walking around in soggy wet diapers and it would sometimes leak through their clothes. There was another teacher who was extremely rough with children as well because she hated the age group she was working with. Still to this day I don’t know how she didn’t give a child nursemaids elbow and she would make excuses for the bruises. They didn’t do anything about her behavior until I told some of the parents and they started complaining. She still works at the school though they just switched her to a different age group. From all my experiences in childcare I learned there’s certain levels of child neglect that are looked past in many preschools because there’s a high turn over rate for childcare so unless you straight up hit a child or your neglect results in serious illness or injury they won’t care. Even if there’s 3 teachers in a room and only 1-2 are working they’ll still keep whoever isn’t just to have a body in the room and be in ratio. These are just mild things. There’s been teachers who lost kids as well at another preschool I used to work at. The worst case was when they forgot the kid outside and they were just wandering around until another parent saw them and brought them back. That teacher was fired. I’ve heard even worse cases at other daycare/preschool as well where kids ended up dead or severely ill because of staff neglect. It may not be the most common but at the end of the day no one wants it to be their kid that’s on the news sick or dead because of abuse at daycare. So this is also why a lot of people want to stay home with their kids. They don’t want their kid to be a daycare horror story mild or severe.

For me personally after working in childcare, I don’t trust sending my kid to one until they can talk and articulate themselves to a decent degree. That way they can come home and explain to me what’s been going on and school and I can use that to gauge whether or not they’re being treated ok.

Then as for curriculum. Some teachers are lazy so they’re not stimulating or doing much with the child and if you’re a parent that wants more than your child to just play with the same toys everyday or for them to do more than sit in front of a screen you’d need to stay home with them or hire a nanny and private tutor. Then for teachers who do implement curriculum it may not be something you want. They may be teaching them things politically and socially that you don’t agree with. I had a teacher I worked with that did that as well. She would always say how she loved “radicalizing toddlers” at the time I didn’t think much of it besides how it was a little weird, since the politics she was teaching them matched the area we were in. However looking back idk if all the parents even leaned that way politically or if they wanted her to go that in depth. So curriculum is another reason someone may want to raise their own child.

42nanaimobars · 2022-04-13T08:33:17+00:00

My mom was a stay at home mom who was president of our town’s art club (unpaid position). My dad made good money. My mom could have worked but chose not to. I’m glad she was a stay at home mom. I got to go to art club with her. I hated day care.

2022-04-13T10:26:29+00:00

In my opinion, my independence (as a homemaker myself) is not solely based on the monetary value that I bring in. I don’t just spend 8–10 hours sitting at our front door waiting for my husband to get back.

Yesterday I made my husband’s breakfast, got his clothes ready for work, and prepared his lunch (all things I do to tell him that I love him every morning). If it’s cold, I’ll usually start his car as well. I went on a 4 mile walk, I cleaned the whole house, I went to therapy, I paid and checked a few bills, I read a book for a while, and I prepared for some gardening I’m starting today. Dinner was already made from the night before, so I didn’t have to do that last night.

And then when my husband gets home, we get to relax and spend time together. I feel like humans weren’t created to work every waking moment of their lives before 65. Because I stay home, my husband and I don’t split the housework. It’s all done when he gets home. So we both don’t get home from a 9-5 and still have 2-3 hours of work and cooking to do before bed.

And we have good insurance. We have savings. We take great care of ourselves as well as our relationship with one another. Sure, it’s not for everyone. Some women really hate cooking, cleaning, and having so much time on their hands without a plan. I know that it can also be difficult to fully invest yourself in a partner and your relationship with them. I know people who have struggled in that regard. More power to those women who prefer to work than to stay home. We’re just all very different. It’s beautiful. It’s what makes us human.

flamingoinghome · 2022-04-13T09:29:17+00:00

Honestly, there's a....really uncomfortable attitude that a lot of people have about children. I've heard it described as "parents who want their children to be safe---not safe like a person, safe like a wallet."

Generally people like this lean in HARD to the SAHP thing (they also get weird about schools).

There's also a lot of sentiment that daycares are inherently bad for kids? It's super weird (my best friend's son is a pint-sized extrovert who was gutted when his daycare was closed due to covid), but it's prevalent.

daisydaisydaisy12 · 2022-04-13T10:45:27+00:00

Kindegarten starts 5 years later

2022-04-13T16:11:12+00:00

Why let strangers raise ur own kids? A nice traditional family unit is the most successful

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-04-13T10:30:22+00:00

I have been both. To me being a sahm was very important those early years they change so much and I didn’t want to miss it.

But it’s different for everyone and no one should be judged either way. My husband also had just over a year at home with our son.

KikiYuyu · 2022-04-13T06:50:35+00:00

On the other hand there are some baffling American attitudes like "I need to raise my own child" as if kindergartens mean parents aren't raising a child,

I literally cannot comprehend how you could find this strange. It's like you completely don't understand the appeal of having a child.

If your child spends more time with other people than you, why even have a kid? You'd just be paying for them without getting the best part of actually having a kid. It's not just about influences, it's about being there for those fleeting years where you can make your child smile just by picking them up.

What I don't understand are people who plan for it, who knowingly decided to live like that.

Because I cannot conceive of anything more noble and rewarding than raising a child with love and care. You couldn't suggest anything more appealing to me than spending my life doing that.

gothfrootloop · 2022-04-13T06:32:54+00:00

Personally, I am not planning it fully, but my boyfriend has brought it up and I’m fine with the idea. Why?

1.) I would never do so without a pre-nup to our marriage (thus before we have kids because i believe in abortion) saying that half of everything is his is mine should we get divorced, including his retirement since I wouldn’t have the years of working to plan my own

2.) he makes enough money and is financially literate enough to do number one,

3.) I am not someone who can both work and take care of children at the same time. Either I stay at home or he does (and both of us have jobs that allow us to work remotely so that’s a plus). That is ridiculously hard and I won’t even attempt it.

4.) The first few years (think before kindergarten) are crucial years to a child’s development. My goal in life is to leave the least damage on my future kid’s psyche as possible. How is that achieved? Well that’s a lot to get into, but pouring my all into a child 1 on 1 to nourish them as much as possible and to try and ensure have a healthy development definitely is a part of it, imo.

5.) Why would I work conventionally if I don’t have to. I would rather be able to pamper my children and husband and keep the house clean than do unnecessary work.

Keep in mind, if 1.) and 2.) aren’t met, I would not be a stay at home mom. And if I can’t meet 1.) and 2.) on my own, I wouldn’t even have children.

2022-04-13T07:38:37+00:00

I am a 32 yr old sahm of 4 fully dependant on my husband and in 2022 I fully love and enjoy it. I've been doing this 13 yrs now. I've held a few jobs here and there when my husband asked, I used to want to be working so bad and then one day I realized for me I am the luckiest lady alive. I drive a '96 Toyota and I live it I don't mind not having the newest thing because I also don't have the biggest bills. My days are spent 100% getting to talk to my children I know all there friends get to attend all school events I'm basically here for them and my husband every step of the way. I used to hate it I used to get bored and lonely then I learned how to sew,cook,bake work on minor stuff on my car and other things I freely got to learn while others were at work all day. It was tiring until I found a way to do things that helped me and that benefited our family. Being a housewife is tiring and sometimes a thankless job, if you look at it as fun it's not so bad.

Karaokoki · 2022-04-13T06:41:37+00:00

The women who chose to do this find that role fulfilling.

floralgirl2002 · 2022-04-13T14:24:35+00:00

Im canadian so maybe a bit different but im 22f who is making 6 figures a year

I would absolutely love to be a stay at home mom if my future husbands finances allowed it

as for the risks you are talking about, I dont really understand? If you are capable of making money and a living for youself before being a stay at home mom, you are capable of it after, if you arent, you probably arent succesful to begin with

I kind of doubt you have met a stay at home mom (awwee poor you) but many of them are killing it and have other stuff going on and goals they accomplish while being a stay at home mom

TheRedPillRipper · 2022-04-13T14:52:43+00:00

why would you choose this for yourself?

Trust. Either you trust your partner; or you don’t. I understand the need for independence. For the freedom. Trusting each other however, to compromise, encourage and grow closer as a family; far outweighs the risk.

the common argument is that your salary is so little

This is the ultimate factor; if you can afford to choose. For example my wife is currently on maternity leave. She gets great mat leave; but even on top that she might take another year. I too cut almost all my work back; so we’ve both been home since our baby was born. We’re very fortunate because we can afford it. Most people however have to work. Which makes it that much harder. If people can’t afford the choice; they unfortunately can’t afford the kids.

Godspeed and good luck!

back_in_blyat · 2022-04-13T15:54:06+00:00

I think the opposite is worrying, why are you such a self absorbed narcissist that you would rather work some pointless job that no one will ever remember you for in exchange for letting someone else raise your own fucking kids and miss out on those crucial years and condemn them to statistically far worse outcomes in terms of development and socialization, let alone the memories.

DeliciousPussyNectar · 2022-04-13T16:20:22+00:00

Because working sucks and some women realize they were born into a body that lets them get away with avoiding that whole shit part of life if they are lucky enough to find a man willing to pay their way for them.

jayval90 · 2022-04-13T17:44:41+00:00

What I don't understand are people who plan for it, who knowingly decided to live like that. Knowing about the insane amount of risk and dependency that comes with (not to mention proven toll on mental health), why would you choose this for yourself?

Coming from a culture in the US where this is almost universally practiced, it is a lifestyle choice. The parent isn't just staying at home hovering over the child. There's a lot more that goes with that lifestyle. Like it's not just an "oops, I'm not in a position to afford daycare so I have to stay at home." It's more of a "why on EARTH would you work so hard to pay for something that you can do 100x better yourself?"

And beyond childcare, having one partner at home a majority of the time has other benefits. The concept of "homemaking" is a whole world beyond just childcare. If you have an actual community, homemakers will often get together to do things that community related.

Also, you make a lot of assumptions that aren't true about a lot of stay-at-home parents. Most that I know are not nearly the obsessive type that working parents tend to be. In my experience, it's exactly the opposite. Working parents helicopter their children while they're home and are very neurotic about where they send their kids. Stay-at-home parents who don't buy much childcare tend to be way more laid back.

I think the key difference here is community. A "homemaker" role doesn't exist in isolation. It requires a community of like-minded parents. So yes, if your perspective is from a community-less hellhole, being a stay-at-home parent doesn't make much sense. But if you are from a strong community, sending both parents to work doesn't make much sense.

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-04-13T17:57:55+00:00

Personally form my perception of things is I think people want to be stay-at-home parent because somehow religious / traditional values you're raised with, or are told to you in parts of society ,and individuals try to press women to believe that them being at home all the time cleaning , cooking ,running errands surrounded by her husband's or kids needs is the greatest gift . Then most of her social interaction is based on her kids is wholesome and this extreme privilege to benefit their children, when in reality most stay at home parents are depressed ,and going out of their minds because they have no other interaction. Losing their self identity. The more I'm on Reddit and I read about women who have stayed home raising children even homeschooling their own children . The husbands have eventually gotten bored with them, and moved on to another individual either through cheating, or filing for divorce after decades of marriage , which the women then have sacrificed her ability to be able to make any kind of money , so then you have her going after her husband's finances ,and then him complaining about having to help take care of his ex stay at home wife, that he wanted to stay at home for the sake of his kids. Now he's having to help compensate her life since she gave up her career to take care of their children,
You can see the diagram of it when you're on Reddit. It's literally a tale of woe for anybody that chooses to be a stay-at-home parent in today's society.

Visible-Doughnut-782 · 2022-04-13T18:31:22+00:00

The question should really be why wouldn’t a Women choose to be a stay at home parent if the possibility is available?

Surely being a parent and bringing up your own child should be seen as a more desirable life than whatever wage slave “career” the vast majority of people endure. It’s interesting that we as a society have evolved whereby we now think a Woman being chained to a desk for 60 years of her life is somehow more noble and fulfilling than staying at home to raise the child she has decided to bring into the world.

ThymeForEverything · 2022-04-13T19:03:39+00:00

There are several factors that went in me deciding to stay home.

Starting from day one, breastfeeding is much easier when you stay home. I can't imagine having to pump and worry about bottles. Good nutrition for my kids is really important to me and I think that starts with breastfeeding. Also from the nutrition stand point I can make three meals a day with whole foods and fresh by staying home. We can also grow and harvest much of our own food as well. This is a form of economic security too.

A lot of women work as economic security, but I think that is much riskier than just actually owning your own land and growing your own food.

Also I worked in a child care for years and while I do not want to be alarmist about it, despite it being NAEYC accredited and having 3 stars (state DHS rating), I found the early education part to be poor. Primarily due to lack of experiences provided to the kids. Also, I never saw any abuse or anything but there were definitely teachers that just weren't good with kids and burnt out. While I do face being tired every now and then, since it's my kids I take their learning and safety very seriously.

The kids are in an environment in a day care that revolves directly around them, which I think can be beneficial for a little while but in the end I think it delays children learning important safety rules and prohibits them from exploring. I can take them to the river and hike around or explore all around our back yard. They have to stretch and reach for things at home that might be too high for them, they have to accept certain areas of the house are off limits. They are living in a real world without janitors to clean, cooks to cook, little table and chairs and shelves. There is more than a classroom and yard available to them to explore.

I think outsourcing the cooking, cleaning and early education of my children would mean it is less personal and also my children would learn less chores and rules in an environment where adults essentially do everything for them. At home my kids can help me do laundry, cook, clean and learn along the way. We can also paint, grow plants, work on ABCs and have in-depth discussion about these things that just could never take place in a day care environment.

IcarusKiki · 2022-04-13T20:56:51+00:00

Because they don't want their kids to be raised by a stranger?

ashpr0ulx · 2022-04-13T07:16:05+00:00

i want to be a stay at home mother when i have children, and my partner wants me to, too. someone needs to watch them, childcare is expensive, my partner works a stressful and unpredictable job- and i currently do, too. i want to ensure that they all read and write and are toilet trained and have some manners before they enter school. at that point i plan on going back to work.

2022-04-13T07:36:03+00:00

The role of mother is very important and will fulfill me. I won’t trust non family or non close friends to look after my kids.

2022-04-13T08:44:35+00:00

Did it ever occur to you that some women actually enjoy that life?

Nodeal_reddit · 2022-04-13T09:50:01+00:00

It's the ideal for the children. But, the husband today that allows it is going to get raked over the coals in the future divorce.

ohdiddly · 2022-04-13T10:15:42+00:00

On the other hand there are some baffling American attitudes like "I need to raise my own child" as if kindergartens mean parents aren't raising a child

?????? LMAOOOOOOO

Academic_Snow_7680 · 2022-04-13T09:58:53+00:00

You answered your own question there.

But you also have a lot of men pressuring their partners to be SAHM because they want their kid raised in such a household or because of 'money' and very often it boils down to control. Control is the reason behind a lot of 'couples' decisions.

Cupcakelover1985 · 2022-04-13T07:39:43+00:00

Lazy and entitled. Work when they want. Stay home and bludge when they want. The life of a woman. Pure freedom.

Everything covered by someone else. Dating, debt, lifestyle, you just have to exist to have all your expenses covered by someone else.

Chaddamhusein · 2022-04-13T09:47:30+00:00

Leech mentality

RealNiceLady · 2022-04-13T10:40:35+00:00

Why do some women still choose to be stay at home parents?

Stay at home moms are perceived as superior to working moms.

"I need to raise my own child

There's the perception that working moms outsource parenthood and don't truly raise their children or, at least, don't raise them right.

there is a lot of fear about other influences

LGBT and Planned Parenthood have a lot of influence in public schools

people seem to like and trust their own (and each other's) families very little even when they could have helpful grandparents

It's not that they are not trusted. It's just why burden a Baby Boomer that wants to travel and have fun in their golden years with your parenting responsibilities because you want to be an inferior working mom and not a ideal SAHM.

definitely not let kids play outside by themselves

Too many missing kids

What I don't understand are people who plan for it, who knowingly decided to live like that

Stay at home moms are superior to their working mom counterparts.

Drougen · 2022-04-13T13:49:22+00:00

Are you kidding? So they don't have to work and then have the audacity to say stay at home moms is an thankless job without pay and they're so oppressed as they sit on the couch watching TV all day.

Props to parents who both work while having kids.

manthony_24 · 2022-04-13T16:19:07+00:00

Stay at home moms are at the mercy of the husband. Work ladies, in this era things are only getting more expensive. Stop being lazy and help pay the bills. This isn’t the 60s anymore. Stay at home moms are overweight. Miserable and very needy.

GlamSunCrybabyMoon · 2022-04-13T19:23:57+00:00

I wish I was a SAHM. Im a working mom and it’s super stressful. I work a 9-5 as a supervisor and after work I have to clean, cook, do homework, get us ready for bed, and that’s every single day.

Finding jobs that coincide with school hours and vacations and are understanding about having kids is hard. I’ve had a manager position recanted because my kid got sick.

I wish I could be a SAHM so I can have more time to do more activities with my kid.

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sabiinvesting · 2022-04-13T09:54:28+00:00

I just think my child will benefit from me being around even with a nanny. I have very specific ways that I want to raise my own child, and I would prefer to be home to do that.

My ivy league-equivalent educated mom was forced by my dad's family to quit her well paying job. My dad had always wanted to split his income 50-50 if there was to be a divorce. (He believed housework was hard work, and raising his daughter was the most important job of all, no matter what he did to make money) Then he told his own daughter that financial independence from my husband was going to be important if I am to ever get married.

Growing up like that, to me being family oriented means treating the SAHP with respect, and having the decency to make the SAHP feel financially secure. Sure, there could be gold diggers and all, but my dad married someone who was already quite capable of being financially independent.

I too believe raising my child is the most important job of all. However, I do see the benefits of having financial independence. Financial independence while being a SAHP can be achieved through early retirement if one can manage it. I chose to go down that path from very young age.

boofthegirl · 2022-04-13T10:27:26+00:00

For me to work and have a SINGLE kid in day care at the moment I would take home about $71 a week at my current wage ($23/hr). There is one daycare in my town so there’s no shopping around.

Multiple kids in care? We’d run at a loss.

It’s not about me having no money, all of our money is joint and has been for years. It just doesn’t make financial sense at all.

There is literally no reason for me to work when I’d rather be at home with the kids. I had my mum waiting at home when I finished school each day and want the same for my kids.

Also, in relation to the SAHDs thing, you hear a lot online about working mothers with stay at home fathers who still do all the housework and house management. Like, the dads just take on the fun part of parenting so of course they think it’s great. Women are naturally saddled with care tasks and feel obliged to complete said tasks. That’s why many women find it harder than men, because it is often harder.

EviessVeralan · 2022-04-13T12:24:22+00:00

I want to be a stay at home mom because I dont want strangers at day care raising my children for me.

lilgingercelt · 2022-04-13T12:38:20+00:00

My Grandmother, who was a stay at home Mum for her three sons and then took 3 years off to raise me consistently says those times were the best of her life and she wishes she could go back.

Ainsleygz · 2022-04-13T12:45:06+00:00

Day care can be so expensive in the US that sometimes it is more cost efficient for the mother (or father) to leave their job, because otherwise all of their paycheck would go directly towards day care. In my city it’s easily over $2,000 per month and people have to go on waitlists before the baby is even born

Also just my personal opinion (although I never want kids) I think I would go insane sitting in a cubicle around coworkers I hate while someone else is spending time with my child

Skycat9 · 2022-04-13T13:08:52+00:00

It’d be my dream to be a stay at home parent but no woman I ever dated would accept it

AquaChip · 2022-04-13T13:14:43+00:00

It isn’t my dream to be a SAHM so if he wants me to be one I have very high standards for him.

He would have to make at least 150k + a year and be extremely financially literate. We’d need to be “comfortably middle class” on his salary alone for me to even consider it. I would also need an “iron clad” prenup that says in the instance of divorce, I get half of everything plus alimony until I can find a stable career

BluePearl2020 · 2022-04-13T13:43:06+00:00

It's cheaper. Working for pay has its own drawbacks.

Usual_Entry_6921 · 2022-04-13T13:47:23+00:00

This some 22 that bear with her family or something?

Mkay didn’t read tho nk adhd meds

pearllovespink · 2022-04-13T14:13:55+00:00

I believe children are raised best with a parent at home. I was a latch key kid. The only time I saw my parents during the week was at night; late at night like 8 pm. I left out early in the morning for school and was taught how to dress and feed myself. They went to work and I was free to roam wherever I wanted to go when I got out of school. If I wanted to go to another city it was possible. I could do anything I pleased because no one was home.

Having a parent home provides more structure and overall better quality life. I could’ve had home cooked meals more often, a parent that could make it to parent teacher conferences, someone to pick me up from school and I ask how my day went, a parent that could help with homework, and someone to make sure I was going on the right path.

zerofeetpersecond · 2022-04-13T14:16:45+00:00

Assuming you aren’t American? We don’t like government or popular opinion. We prefer what we prefer. Try it.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-04-13T14:23:06+00:00

We couldn’t both be at home there are things called bills mother of us could of gone part time in the jobs we were in, so you are incorrect

floralgirl2002 · 2022-04-13T14:27:22+00:00

The mommy and daddy issues are really coming out in this thread 😂

TheAbdominalSnowman_ · 2022-04-13T14:41:06+00:00

Stay at home mom = Unemployed

Should literally just be called the same thing. I guess once I find something I'm really passionate about that also gives me the green light to quit work and have other people provide for me while I do nothing. Think I'll take up clock making.

Valuable-Marzipan761 · 2022-04-13T15:15:51+00:00

in the U.K. if you you're on a low income with more that two children it makes more financial sense. we agreed that my wife wouldn't unless there's a job she actually wants to do.

why is it a weird thing to do? there are proven benefits to the child.

sarkington · 2022-04-13T15:18:07+00:00

Reproduction is now individual and optional

2022-04-13T15:36:48+00:00

Bc not working is easier especially when another capable adult can just work on your behalf while you do nothing. Americans are lazy.

2022-04-13T15:49:34+00:00

SAHM here, with a bachelor degree and was in the workforce 10 years before staying home. People (mainly women) tend to hate us either because they ain’t us or they don’t have kids and think we sit around eating bonbons and doing our nails. Anyways, here are some great perks of working inside the home

Your kids don’t bring home sickness all the time (daycares are notorious for kids getting sick. I waited until 3 for mine to go to preschool and they got sick once every 6 months or so from there but they are older and their immune systems are better than babies, and they don’t put things in their mouths). I had a couple friends who had to bring their 4 month olds to the hospital because they got the flu and RSV from their centers.
We can do whatever activities we want. Jiu jitsu? The zoo? Music classes? I took my kids to all that and more. Obviously $$ is a factor with that but it’s cheaper than daycare and presents opportunities for socialization for kids and moms.
We can travel whenever/wherever we want. It’s great to take 3 week trips to other countries and states without worrying about work. Working I wasn’t able to take more than 2 weeks off at a time unless I was in between jobs and when kids are in daycare you still have to pay regardless to hold your spot so you’re wasting money.
You have more time to pursue hobbies/future careers. I know some SAHM that go to school part time (or plan on it when their kids are in elementary school since they’ll have more time. If the kids are not old enough for preschool (we do half day for socialization) you still have nap time to do so. It would really suck working all day to then come home and work more and get a couple hours off at night since women (working) are still doing more of the domestic duties.
More time with your kids If you’re working 9-5, kids tend to go to bed from 7 to 8, so you have a dinner, maybe a quick breakfast and then see them on the weekends. The first 5 years of their life is when they have the most brain development and it is awesome to be able to spend more of that with them!

The negative stories are typically when a woman was convinced to stay home by her husband and he isn’t providing his end of the bargain- he isn’t earning enough so she has to work a little to make ends meet, he gives her an allowance instead of treating her as an equal partner in the marriage, and he makes her raise the kids and do 100 % of the cooking, cleaning and plops down on the couch and plays video games. Also, women who had kids young and didn’t get an education beforehand have more horror stories (also more likely to marry shitty dudes) than those of us who chose our path.

18180 · 2022-04-13T16:06:15+00:00

I also think the common argument that your salary is so little it mostly covers the daycare is poor - first of all, the daycare cost should be split so a woman would still have a portion of her own income, it wouldn't all go to daycare, and second, by working she gets a chance to grow that income from there or get a better job later while by not working you're frozen there.

I find this to be an odd statement because I think the ideal should be married with joint finances (with careful budgeting, open communication, and agreement on major purchases) - so daycare cost being "split" makes no sense. Second, by the time many people have kids (say early 30s), they know what direction their career is going. And for a lot of jobs you're not going to expect your income to grow substantially.

As for the risks that women take for being SAHM - I agree. As a guy, I would suggest those women need to be extra careful about who becomes their life partner. You don't want the type of guy who doesn't put your name on the deed to the house or cars, makes a budget without your input, makes big purchases for himself without your input, doesn't value your non-paid contributions, etc. You don't want to take on traditional female responsibility without the man taking on traditional male responsibility. You need to feel like all the resources of the family belong to the family and not to the man who stingily doles it out or takes it away on a whim.

Sad-Program-3444 · 2022-04-13T16:22:57+00:00

I don't have children but if I did, I would not leave them alone with strangers until they were old enough to tell me if someone touched them in a bad place.

2022-04-13T16:53:36+00:00

People tend to get really weird on this issue, I think a lot of people here are like 22 years old and never married, so they think having a kid is this easy, linear thing you can plan on paper. Then you get a kid with health or emotional issues, or your mom dies, or your husband gets a job far away from your family, or your job is ready to lay you off and you quit because, well, you're going to have a baby anyway, or the day care you want is full...or whatever. Or you have your baby and guess what? You just WANT to stay home with it because you enjoy it. Or you hate staying home and want to get back to work ASAP.

Look at all the people - mostly women - who had to quit work during COVID because at the end of the day, once you have a kid that child is solely your responsibility and basically you have to be ready to throw everything else away because you can't throw the kid away.

AZNDevil · 2022-04-13T16:53:49+00:00

For the guys who are staying at home, one question to ask is if their spouse is also happy with the family dynamic? I think that's key to that side of the story.

If it's all fair then maybe those guys find more efficient ways to tidy up the house, do all the chores, and take care of the kid in a shorter time frame. You also do have to take into account the amount of muscle mass and energy difference for men and women. Men probably have more energy so by the end of the day, they're still perfectly doing the same task vs a woman who probably depleted more of their energy doing the task like cleaning up the house.

swag_Lemons · 2022-04-13T19:17:29+00:00

I’m really young so it’s not really something I’ve thought about yet, I’m already thinking about my future career. But I wouldn’t mind being a SAHM, i actually would enjoy to be a working from home mom. I was taught “domestic” tasks growing up so I know how to do them well. I love cooking, I don’t mind doing household cleaning and stuff, and I’d really like to be home with my kids. Just because I like kids. I also just feel like it would be nice to bond with them, take them to the grocery store with me, all of the stuff.

I didn’t really get to be with my parents much growing up because they both worked a lot. If I wasn’t at school, I was usually at grandmas house, and my mom would come pick me up from grandmas at 4-5 ish and my dad wouldn’t get home until 8. I always wished that I had more time with my parents and I’d really like to give that to my future children if my future S/O would be open to it.

I agree the dependency could be scary. Some people don’t know who their partner truly is until they’re married. People change. Married people get divorced. All of those things are true. Which is why I said I’d like to be a working from home parent instead so that I have my own finances incase we ever split. But overall the idea is staying home with my kids sounds awesome.

4ktx · 2022-04-14T01:19:16+00:00

Lazy

EstablishmentKooky50 · 2022-04-14T16:48:47+00:00

Why not? I mean, there's a popular view that raising kids would interfere with your career, which is certainly true. On the other hand, the vast majority of people do not have careers, we have jobs. It is considered a privileged position to be doing something you love and be paid (sufficiently) for it. And it is a privileged position to be able to rank up at your workplace or to be able to purse your passion as an entrepreneur. Most people can not do any of it, so what's left to them is a choice between getting a job just to be able to pay the bills or (for women) getting a partner who will take care of the financial side of things in return for taking care of the household things. On a side note, yes women have a choice, men generally don't.

I don't think that it's surprising that there will be women who choose the latter instead of the former. Especially when dependency related risks can be mitigated and the state tends to side with the more dependent party in a divorce.

neetykeeno · 2022-04-15T01:17:00+00:00

Well...I am not American but there are some similarities....you just get a whole lot better deal from the state schooling if you've got time to be involved and volunteer and network with other parents. Schools are kind of shit discipline-wise and a lot of really bad stuff gets ignored...and if you decide to use formal channels over something like your kid being bullied it can all go to hell real quick. Parents often have to bring fuckloads of influence into play. And it really helps if there has been a parent making themselves known up at the school and gathering allies.

Once you've seen it there's only one conclusion...your kid might need you to be really fighting for them.

couldbemage · 2022-04-16T01:37:19+00:00

Because r/antiwork.

Working sucks, and some people actually like their kids.

If you think everything is going to work out, it's a great deal.

I've raised two kids, it's really nothing like as hard as actually working. And unless you're rich, dual income just means working all day and then getting all the stuff a sahm had all day to do done in your leftover time. If being a sahm is more work than working while also raising kids, then there's something weird going on. Because both have the same amount of kid and house stuff to get done, but one also has a job.

Particular-Rabbit539 · 2022-04-16T20:51:12+00:00

Paid maternity leave benefits are not consistent or required by companies.

Daycare might not fit the needs for your kids, options might be limited and very expensive. In some places, it could cost as much as private schools and the waitlist could be years. I had colleagues who pay between 2-3k a month on daycare. You don't want to bring your kid to a place with bad management, violations and etc.

Grandparents might not be in the same state/country, could be deceased or you do not have a good relationship with them.

I had a friend who left her high-paying corporate job so she can be more present in her kid's life. Her husband can comfortably provide for all of them. His money is also hers. He enjoyed the fact his wife is doing this and getting lots of updates. She realized how nice it was to just spend time with her newborn.

In the end, it is what they think is best for the family. I think the important thing is setting up good communications and expectations. Staying at home is starting to become a luxury option for some families. Nowadays with high costs, it's hard to live on one income.

Iam3don3 · 2022-04-27T19:53:30+00:00

It seems a lot more calming to be a stay at home parent. I get why they chose it.

Title	Why do some women still choose to be stay at home parents?
Author	87AudreyHorne
Upvotes	32
Comments	266
Date	April 13, 2022 6:12 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/u2jq51/why_do_some_women_still_choose_to_be_stay_at_home/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-some-women-still-choose-to-be-stay-at-home.1112857 https://theredarchive.com/post/1112857

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