Have you ever been interested in somebody you thought was well within your league and then they soon partner up with an objectively way more attractive person leaving you massively disheartened?

MistyMaisel · 2022-12-02T16:48:49+00:00

So here's what I think people miss about the whole concept of leagues:

Physical Appearance isn't the only way people are being measured.
While there are some general ways beauty is determined, it's hardly this one-size, one way of looking thing.

So if I were to try to like counsel or comfort you, I would say two things right out of the gate:

She was a Plain Jane by your standards. To other men with different tastes, she might have been the Bee's Knees. This Adonis Fellow might have thought her gorgeous.
Despite being a model, he's still a person. Maybe she saw him for him, treated him really well, and they really hit it off. You don't know. All you have to go on is this weird comparison of appearances.

The take-away from this isn't that you need to recalibrate anything or shoot even lower. It's that people are more complicated in their mate selection than physical appearances. One man's plain jane is another man's Victoria Secret. One woman's Adonis is another woman's creepy hobo.

We have this idea from Media that beauty is pretty much one way. But that doesn't play out so much in real life. Lots of guys are into thicc and fat chicks. Lots of girls love a thicc, chubby, or fat man. It happens more than our media would suggest.

2022-12-02T17:07:37+00:00

Haha yeah that’s happened a few times. I don’t relate to how you experienced it though — I didn’t take it personally at all, they clicked better with that other person, good for them.

I also find it odd how much analysis you put into why this woman should be “almost invisible” to attractive men. To be honest, you don’t sound as if you liked or respected her very much, more that you just thought nobody else would like her so you’d be a shoe-in. Glad she found someone else.

I mean, “how she had bagged him?“ Simple. He liked her. Not too complicated. What floats other people’s boat isn’t always going to be immediately obvious to you and doesn’t need to be.

TermAggravating8043 · 2022-12-02T16:53:40+00:00

It is posts like these that remind me WHY there is a rise in male loneliness

lle-ell · 2022-12-02T16:54:57+00:00

Your sexual market value isn't solely determined by looks. A great personality does SO much. A 5-6/10 with a 10/10 personality is a 8-9/10.

I once had a lesbian friend who was extremely average looking but SO socially competent, friendly, charming, funny, wise. She got into a long term relationship with an absolutely stunning girl who just got out of professional modelling (iirc she modelled for Vogue, for example). They looked mismatched, but very happy.

Also, if you're thinking "I think she'd fly under most guy's radar", we can sense that shit from a mile away and get turned off.

richardshearman · 2022-12-02T19:41:09+00:00

Bro you literally say that her personality made her more attractive to you. Did you stop to think maybe this guy found the same personality qualities attractive as well?

And maybe she left you because your attitude and personality aren't good enough for her. Did you think about that? At the same time you were thinking her personality was great and you would "settle" for her, she was thinking "this guys and ass he thinks he's settling for me and thinks I'm skinny fat".

Maybe you meed to reconsider your entire worldview. People date other people for different reasons, people aren't some math equation where an 8 attractiveness = must date other 8s.

ahaeood · 2022-12-02T16:26:38+00:00

The way this dude talk about people 🤦🏽‍♀️

wtknight · 2022-12-02T18:06:45+00:00

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RocinanteCoffee · 2022-12-02T17:16:49+00:00

Maybe the model found her features exquisite whereas you only found them plain. I have lusted over men and lauded their features while my sisters looked at me with confusion because they didn't see anything appealing about the person I was into. I have had people reject me for less conventionally attractive dates too.

You and I could both look at the same photo of a dude and I might rate him a 7. You might rate him a 3. Similarly we could both look at a photo of a lady who I find is a 4 and basic, and you find a stunning 8.

Not to mention, not everyone subscribes to 'dating within your league'. I certainly don't. When I'm on the apps I swipe right on those I find attractive, whether they are out of my "league", or I am out of theirs, or whether we are in the same one. I let them do the rejecting, I don't reject myself on their behalf.

One of the areas people are surprised at my tastes is height. I find short guys equally hot to tall guys. For example if two guys have similar personalities, are equally fit and handsome, equally funny and charming, the taller one won't have an edge. In fact, though I date people of all heights, probably more of them have been shorter or within an each of me than taller. Can I get tall guys? Yes. Easily.

But I have also been rejected by shorter guys who preferred to date someone shorter than they are, even though I was their body, face, and personality type otherwise.

When someone rejects you for someone you think is objectively "uglier" you might be wrong. They might find each other hotter than you do.

Jambi1913 · 2022-12-02T18:49:52+00:00

You’re not taking into account that most people don’t actually date based entirely on looks.

You saw good things in this “plain Jane” and obviously so did the “Adonis”. She was physically attractive enough to be considered by both of you and then her mannerisms and personality appealed even further.

Your “league” is not just your completely superficial appearance - not in real life anyway. On an app, sure, it’s based on looks almost entirely whether you get likes and matches - but in real life, how someone moves, interacts with others and what they say can massively increase or decrease their attractiveness.

Did you approach this girl? Make any kind of move to show you liked her? Or just sit back and judge her and then she got approached by an attractive, charming guy who was genuinely interested in her?

Your interest didn’t sound very genuine with how much you had to weigh up her being “skinny fat, with a very plain face” but making up for it with her personality, etc. It seems you thought she was acceptable, but not a first choice - if you were as attractive as this “Adonis” guy, this girl wouldn’t even be a consideration. The fact that the “Adonis” actually seems to be into her and willing to commit to her blows your mind because you don’t actually think she’s all that great - but you would have settled for her and you felt entitled to get reciprocity because you thought she couldn’t do better. What an awful attitude. She dodged a bullet with you. No one wants to be with someone who thinks they’re “meh - you’ll do” and who is probably dreaming of magically becoming more attractive so he can slay girls he truly thinks are hot. No one wants to be a placeholder while you fantasise about the people you really wish you could get with. It’s fucking disrespectful.

BeepBeepSaysTheJeep · 2022-12-02T16:29:29+00:00

Call me "skinny fat" and describe my face as plain in the same paragraph as explaining you wanted to date me, and I'd also stay far away from you.

You thought you could settle for her. She was too good for that. Joke's on you.

sparklyyblueberryy · 2022-12-02T17:17:57+00:00

Maybe she picked up on the fact that you would describe her in such a mediocre light. No wonder she decided to find someone who thought she was great.

SolidPuzzleheaded984 · 2022-12-02T17:47:48+00:00

I’m pretty objective with myself.

But I’d say majority of men are shooting above.

And in todays dating market majority of men can’t afford to do that.

My friends for example try to get with baddies only to be ghosted and left on delivered.

toasterchild · 2022-12-02T17:14:58+00:00

Men really have to stop trying to rank themselves on looks alone. If you have a garbage personality you're not going to be anywhere near what you think your rank should be.

KayRay1994 · 2022-12-02T16:51:54+00:00

I think you’re coming to the wrong conclusion - it’s not that you’re at each other’s levels, cause many times that isn’t even the case (and i can’t say whether you are or aren’t cause i literally don’t know what either of you look like) - everything in this post is about how she ended up with someone more attractive, and that you guys just had chemistry - nothing more. In other words, no reliable indicators on whether she liked you back or why, and even better, there are no indicators on why the model chose her or why she chose him - sure, being more attractive helps, but loads of other factors matter that it sounds like you’re not considering.

What i’m saying is, don’t beat yourself up over this and take this as an opportunity to better yourself, whether it be looks wise, confidence, personality, etc

SoIlikeMangos · 2022-12-02T16:30:20+00:00

By the way you described her, I don't think you were much into her

wtknight · 2022-12-02T16:01:58+00:00

How do you know what league you are in? Are there tryouts? Did I miss them? Darn.

Have I had crushes on people who go on to date other people? Of course. I'm an awkward mess, I've never been on a date and there are people who are great at talking to people, confident, interesting and funny.

It sucks but not everyone agrees on what attractive is, what you like might not be anything like what I like.

2022-12-02T17:37:55+00:00

i'm so happy she didn't have to settle for someone who found her not very attractive.

gofigure62 · 2022-12-02T16:32:32+00:00

No. I had an ex that started dating someone that I did not consider attractive at all, I thought he could do much better. My friends told me that I was delusional and that he was/is ugly and I was miles out of his league. They never said anything because they didn't want to hurt my feelings or be rude.

I never thought he was ugly and still don't think he's ugly. But it must be true because I've never seen him date anyone that looked normal let alone cute or pretty.

Beauty is subjective at the end of the day. People overinflate their looks, undervalue their looks, overinflate the looks of others, and undervalue the looks of others.

At the end of the day, if men and women are capable of getting the people that they're attracted to the most, then that is their league.

Head-Language-2977 · 2022-12-02T17:04:18+00:00

I’m assuming you live in the US. In the current dating market, non-overweight women are going to have a sky high market value, regardless of how plain their face is. She’s simply benefiting from the current market. Blame this crazy market on the obesity epidemic.

baresquad · 2022-12-02T16:09:04+00:00

Maybe in high school? But even then I was pretty confident so the idea of the other guy being more attractive than me wouldn’t of really crossed my mind.

I feel like it’s just something you kind of get over.

KingWhoCared86 · 2022-12-02T16:19:58+00:00

Sort of the opposite. There was this girl who I was into, but she ended up with a balding slightly overweight guy with a daughter from a prior relationship who ended up repeatedly abusing her and her daughter. I had the worst self esteem in the world because how the hell was I a worse option than that?

EugeneCezanne · 2022-12-02T17:20:11+00:00

Instead of being disheartened, maybe just take it as proof that looks aren't actually everything and you'll probably be fine.

Also, since you were interested, did you ask her out first?

Lost-Zebra6453 · 2022-12-02T17:07:44+00:00

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Financial_Leave4411 · 2022-12-02T17:19:14+00:00

The issue is you put her in a league based on her looks alone. You didn’t take her personally or actions into account. What good is a 10 if she is batshit crazy? A woman who brings peace is worth her weight in gold. Next time if you find a good woman don’t drag your feet when asking her out or you will miss out again. There are only so many good women around you so if you don’t want to be left standing alone you need to stop looking for perfect.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2022-12-02T15:55:48+00:00

Why wouldn’t you just go “damn, I must be in a higher league. Cool let me go chase some hot girls in the big leagues or even take a swing at the elite!”

2022-12-02T17:26:47+00:00

Its disheartaning to see someone you like date someone else. But that should only tell you that you've become too emotionally invested.

Never emotionally invest into someone you would like to date but are not dating already.

wtknight · 2022-12-02T19:21:18+00:00

Not way more attractive, but slightly more attractive. This was back when I was still pretty young and naive. I didn't realize that women whom I thought were "average" could attract such attractive guys.

I could attract women, but often they were often ones who I thought were below my league. So basically, I ended up very picky when it comes to women, and I never had many relationships.

Impossible_You_8555 · 2022-12-03T07:13:04+00:00

Leagues aren't real unless you make them real

No-Rough-7390 · 2022-12-03T14:54:44+00:00

Slump busters can always become a three game series if times are tough.

2022-12-02T16:39:17+00:00

A girls smv is much higher than a mans, even if they are in the same looks league. Thats what got u

Foxuuf · 2022-12-02T17:18:56+00:00

Usually It is just like this. If people can get better, they will leave you in the dust

Fancy-Respect8729 · 2022-12-02T17:03:41+00:00

Yeah been rejected loads of times. Just move on. They probably did me a favour. It's another guys problem.

2022-12-02T17:13:03+00:00

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gymbro718nyc2 · 2022-12-02T16:03:33+00:00

No usually the opposite actually.

walterAizen · 2022-12-02T16:13:19+00:00

Nobody especially me since l have a mentality of no Women is out of my league

BrummieAMN19 · 2022-12-02T19:19:21+00:00

No because I'll either find something about myself objectively that is better than her new man or if not I'll backwards rationalise and delude myself into thinking so until my ego is satisfied no matter how ridiculous it sounds to the average person.

Normal_Egg_3469 · 2022-12-03T04:59:28+00:00

Her dating a model doesn’t mean the two of you aren’t in the same “league.” It’s simple: that guy found her attractive and vice versa. Now they’re dating. Also, women usually want to date “up” while men usually date someone who’s at least on “their level.” Don’t beat yourself up about this. There’s plenty of women out there to talk to. Best of luck.

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SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-12-02T16:00:54+00:00

Nah, I know where I land in terms of SMV, I know when I'm punching up or down too hard. It just takes a bit of experience.

Bandit174 · 2022-12-02T16:16:06+00:00

No but one time I clicked on someone's reddit profile and their most recent post on r/relationship_advice was about how her ex recently ran into her and her boyfriend at a restaurant and her boyfriend couldn't believe how hot her ex was. She was offended and the sub convinced her to dump him 🤣

mvnnyvevwofrb · 2022-12-02T16:36:12+00:00

Yes, I had a girlfriend when I was younger that was a narcissist. And I thought she was kind of weird and didn't take herself too seriously. She also wasn't a super model. I still think she is partly like that. But she and her friends thought she was way better than me. And I was completely clueless about this. (They were apparently right in some ways, not in others). But I was severely depressed about this. I had no confidence around women after and I was a little resentful of women. I think that women take themselves so seriously (even when they don't seem that serious), and they're all going to say they can do way better than me. So, I don't want to date anymore.

Georgist_Muddlehead · 2022-12-02T17:23:43+00:00

I think I'm not a good judge of leagues generally, so it doesn't surprise me when this has happened to me.

There are so many different factors which might make a person attractive or unattractive which vary from person to person.

Maybe average or slightly above average guys need to genuinely recalibrate and either give up and focus on ourselves or kinda train ourselves to shoot even lower?

Bear in mind that there are examples of the opposite of your story (attractive women dating average men)

JumboJetz · 2022-12-02T17:33:06+00:00

Not really, I dont think this has happened to me. I don’t get too many crushes. I get attracted to people but don’t fantasize too much. I also switch between thinking everyone is in my league to thinking everyone is out of my league on a dime.

NotARussianBot1984 · 2022-12-02T18:04:27+00:00

I've done the reverse. Usually the only girls I can date are obese. As a fit educated redpill guy, it's very easy to be the best bf they ever had. Minus being short, I'm very attractive, so for the obese girls that look past height, they tend to get insecure due to my looks and attitude.

Which is fair since well the relationship is short term. If I want to date better women you need to start at level 1.

Also supply and demand. The few hot women in their 20s have hot men in their 20s and 30s going for them. Nature for them to date up more

2022-12-02T19:08:34+00:00

SmilesLikeMardiGras · 2022-12-02T20:40:25+00:00

what

oldguy_1981 · 2022-12-02T22:47:15+00:00

When I was in college there was a chick I was into that I thought was in my league that ended up dating an objectively worse version of myself. Same height, hair color, eye color, just 10% more body fat. Shittier job and career prospects but had the same hobbies as me at the time. Always a total buzzkill at parties. Also about 8 years older than me. I couldn’t understand it at all and it threw my confidence for a while.

OkProfessional9405 · 2022-12-02T23:54:51+00:00

I had felt the opposite. I dated this woman and when I saw her string of boyfriends it was dorky guy afte dorky guy and I started to get self concious that I was included in that group. I was thinking, man girl you need to up your game, you're making me feel bad.

_EndlessWinter_ · 2022-12-03T00:10:04+00:00

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Swordfromthecement · 2022-12-03T05:37:41+00:00

Isn’t that basically dating women in a nutshell?

bsmith440 · 2022-12-03T06:57:37+00:00

Women can date/marry up, men can't.

sparklyyblueberryy · 2022-12-03T15:26:29+00:00

”Plain face”. Or maybe he found her features very regular and pleasant. Averageness is a facet of beauty.

People don’t date only on looks but also. Both women and men overestimate their attractiveness but men overestimate a bit more. Likelyhood is that you overestimate yours and you are not in the same league.

Transmigratory · 2022-12-03T19:52:04+00:00

Nope, because people are complicated.

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