The standard rejections of "no spark, not enough chemistry and not feeling it" is just a nicety of 'I didn't find you sexually attractive.'

Asatmaya · 2023-08-05T17:09:11+00:00

From a male perspective, there are a lot of women that I find sexually attractive, but have terrible personalities, or just aren't on my wavelength politically/philosophically/etc.

I know that there is a stereotype that men will fuck anything, but I won't, a lot of guys I know won't, and some women I know seem to be willing to be the town bicycle and let anyone have a ride.

And vice versa; sure, some men will stick their dick in anything, and some women only care about looks, and...

"People are different," write that down.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2023-08-05T17:01:47+00:00

Could also just mean the person is boring.

I remember being out on a date with a girl, going off about her trip to Sephora and sharkras or something, and catching myself daydreaming about my FWB. It wasn’t that the girl wasn’t hot: she was just boring as fuuuuuuk!

NothingOrAllLife · 2023-08-05T17:30:06+00:00

No. There have been dates where I was so physically attracted to the guy across from me but he was just…pretty. There was nothing else there. We had nothing in common. Nothing to talk about. There was just no spark. And there wouldn’t be one no matter how hot he was. We just weren’t compatible.

cetus_lettuce · 2023-08-05T20:01:41+00:00

No one who ever experienced chemistry would say this.

Finding someone hot and experiencing chemistry with them often overlap, but they're completely different things.

Icy_Ordinary2025 · 2023-08-05T16:54:36+00:00

Nope. You can find someone sexually attractive and still not have a spark or chemistry. Women want more than just sexually attractive.

"I was just drawn to him like a magnet," all that means is she was sexually attracted to him. There's nothing more philosophical or deeper than that.

This means he was more than just sexually attractive.

Wide-Illustrator2906 · 2023-08-05T17:33:01+00:00

Spark = Desire. It just means she doesn't want to have sex with you. You could be physically attractive but something is missing that's not making her want to hookup with you.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-08-05T19:19:16+00:00

many very good looking men are atrocious duds I'd never bang

jverveslayer · 2023-08-05T18:25:22+00:00

Most people aren't able to break down exactly why they don't feel drawn to someone and they default to explaining it that way. Because they didn't feel that feeling!

Sometimes they are more aware, but saying they "didn't feel it" (to other people and themselves) feels more acceptable than the real answer (like "I couldn't date a garbageman" or "I find the giant mole on her lip gross").

Also people are attracted to personalities, not just looks

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-08-05T19:33:23+00:00

No, there are men that I've found physically attractive enough to have crushes on or even to go on dates with, but it never made it past the good night kiss. It's not that they aren't attractive, often they've been objectively good looking men. It's that I was simply not able to form the connection with them that took it to the next level and gave us chemistry.

ChiBron86 · 2023-08-05T20:34:45+00:00

This works the other way around too. There are women who are objectively attractive that I can't see in a sexual light at all. I don't think it's lack of chemistry as much as something about their personality/how they carry themselves just doesn't make your mind go that way.

Now, a lack of physical attraction can definitely enhance this, but there are other factors at play here too.

kkkan2020 · 2023-08-05T19:24:52+00:00

Pretty much what it boils down to

sivarias · 2023-08-05T22:39:55+00:00

Technically correct, although not for the reasons you think.

Yes that means there's no sexual attraction there.

No, it doesn't mean you are ugly. Chemistry is as much about vibes, charisma, and smell, as it is about looks.

Epiphanic_Eros · 2023-08-05T20:57:33+00:00

Depends on what you mean by “sexually attractive.” I take “attractive” to generally mean that a person’s looks attract my attention. But “chemistry” is a thicker concept, including voice, the way a person carries themselves, the spark in their eye, whether they laugh at my jokes and appreciate my interests, how they smell, etc. We have chemistry we each get aroused around each other.

For instance, I find Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie objectively hot, but wouldn’t sleep with either of them because they just don’t have a vibe I appreciate.

Skylarias · 2023-08-05T22:32:30+00:00

There's aesthetic attraction, which means you find someone attractive.

But it does not necessarily mean in a romantic or sexual manner. It could be as simple as "WOW that man/woman is really beautiful".

Sexual attraction and chemistry often overlap, but not always. Both are needed for a long term, long lasting relationship. Chemistry means your personalities match.

Spark usually refers to sexual attraction, but it can also be a strong emotional or intellectual match.

Plastic-Exit-9679 · 2023-08-05T19:55:33+00:00

Most people are really boring and have no real interests or hobbies besides what's popular at the moment.

I say this as a bisexual

nemma88 · 2023-08-05T21:24:15+00:00

If you're getting a date via online dating you're hitting the looks threshold for that woman (meh, honestly you're probably far exceeding the threshold based on how women select on OLD). She isn't making effort and going out on a date purposefully that's a waste of her time.

Everything sparky after that is personality. I think women struggle more with the deciphering spark likelihood from OLD.

JonMyMon · 2023-08-05T22:30:26+00:00

Oh my god how do people not get this yet

No

That’s not what it means

It means he didn’t sexually escalate, didn’t flirt, just talked to her like he does his male friends

shockedpikachu123 · 2023-08-05T23:49:57+00:00

Disagree. Chemistry is not just physical attraction. I’ve been attracted to many guys but immediately lost attraction when he’s not a good conversationalist, vain/only talks about himself, rude to wait staff, etc

lustersi · 2023-08-06T02:20:49+00:00

Im a guy and I can find a female that’s extremely attractive and get hella interested in her. But if I feel like we can’t strike up a conversation that get us talking up a storm. Then I lose interest and she’s no longer attractive to me. Because I feel that we should be able to naturally talk and joke around with no nervousness or tension between us. Or feeling like each time I see her she’s a different person

ImAGhostOooooooo · 2023-08-06T04:21:30+00:00

I've been on dates where the guy was attractive but we just didn't have chemistry. It's a real thing. Some people just don't click 🤷‍♀️. It has nothing to do with looks. You can be a super model and I'll still think you're boring if you can't carry a conversation

januaryphilosopher · 2023-08-05T17:45:12+00:00

You can be drawn to someone or not without even thinking about sex. Most people simply aren't viewing that feeling in a sexual light when they say it. It doesn't need to be anything deeper than you just don't get along quite right.

Zabadoodude · 2023-08-05T17:16:00+00:00

It just means "I'm not interested, but I don't want to tell you the real reason, because I'm worried about your reaction if I do"

Sexual attraction is a big one, but they could also be boring, or have some incompatible opinions/interests.

Special-Possession44 · 2023-08-05T22:32:23+00:00

For woman, lust means love. no lust means no love. Women and men have very different definitions of love. A man can still love a woman even long after he has lost or is losing his sexual desire for her, but a woman can't. For a woman, losing sexual desire for her man means she don't love her man no more and she takes it as a signal to go find another guy. and she will keep finding another guy until she finds the 'perfect one' who she never loses sexual desire for, which never happens because everything is temporary, so she ends up sleeping with 100 different sex partners and ends up with 100 cats.

Aromatic_Ad5473 · 2023-08-05T19:19:30+00:00

That’s not true. You can find someone attractive and not be attracted to them.

DerayRevan · 2023-08-05T17:00:29+00:00

Well l did say yesterday women conflate their sexual attraction towards their feelings

So common sense to me why this is the case

WilliamWyattD · 2023-08-05T18:43:36+00:00

Yes. That is what it means. However, women are trying to let you save face by presenting it as more of an issue of you two not being idiosyncratically compatible rather than you just being below her standards.

And sometimes this is true. Sometimes it isn't.

dyngladfel · 2023-08-05T22:31:35+00:00

No, it's because she didn't find your personality attractive. If she went on a date she knew what you looked like, and you had potential to be someone she could be into, but she just wasn't.

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pyroblastftw · 2023-08-05T18:00:27+00:00

I think generally speaking when women talk about "spark", they really mean a man they can be attracted to AND be aroused by.

I would agree with you that no arousal = no spark.

But I'd also argue that there could be arousal but not enough attraction, and therefore no spark.

MisterX9821 · 2023-08-05T20:56:27+00:00

Yeah. No fucking shit.

Logical-Confection-7 · 2023-08-05T21:25:25+00:00

Many times it is. Which, yeah, the idea of “love chemistry” includes sexual interest. That being said, many women would pass on handsome men they just didn’t connect with or men who they felt initially attracted to at a physical level.

PD. Personality doe influence how your appearance is read. So yeah, good personality could make look better. On the other hand, looks also influence the way you personality is read. Good looking people are usually considered to be more charismatic and captivating.

No-Recommendation472 · 2023-08-05T21:28:33+00:00

I wish I could agree with you 100%, but totally respect your opinion. If someone is "hot" and they are as dumb as a box of rocks, that lowers the chemistry quotient. When someone is "hot" but can't take care of the tasks and obligations of an adult, that also dampens chemistry. There are so many quirks, ticks, characteristics and traits, and flaws that will take away from the initial Spark for a normal to highly functioning adult. But I do KNOW that people WILL ALSO say "No spark, not enough chemistry and not feeling it" INSTEAD of saying 'I didn't find you sexually attractive.' I don't think it's absolute, however.

TheRealMichaelBluth · 2023-08-05T22:08:27+00:00

I think people need to give more of a chance, if you enjoy the person’s company, there’s no obvious dealbreakers and you’re not turned off by them physically then give it a chance or two. It frustrates me when women default to “no you’re just a friend” without going on the fucking date. You can’t really know if you like someone without 1:1 time imo

TheMedsPeds · 2023-08-05T22:37:16+00:00

Yeah this is just not true. There are guys who are technically more aesthetically pleasing that just don’t have “that effect” and some guys who on paper, like if I was just looking at a picture, aren’t super attractive.

I don’t know how to explain it. Pheromones? No clue. But “the tingles” is like one of the most important things when choosing a partner. If I’m not feeling it, that means I’m just going through the motions to not be alone. And that is not something I ever want to do.

MyUpSeemsDown · 2023-08-05T22:42:29+00:00

Imagine this, you go out on a date and you show her this post you wrote on Reddit. She will definitely say "no spark, not enough chemistry and not feeling it," and not finding you sexually attractive will be part of it, but it won't even cut close to the whole reason why she said that.

Prestigious-Delay759 · 2023-08-06T00:09:33+00:00

No. Lust and love are two different things. They can overlap to varying degrees but fundamentally they are completely different things and anyone who has actually been in a healthy and meaningful relationship understands this.

What she's functionally saying to you is that she feels no inklings of love for you and or cannot imagine a serenario in which she would fall in love with you so you're not worth her time.

Because of hypergamy women have access to as much sex as they could possibly want on tap so lust is fairly valueless.

Having a real connection with someone and experiencing love for them is much rarer so that is the commodity they're going for.

You can write this narrative about how she was judgmental and superficial so you weren't hot enough, all you want and that's what you'll probably stick to because it's much easier to accept that than to deal with the emotional strain of realizing that she didn't love you because "you're you", not because of how you look or your dick size or whatever.

That said, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. It shouldn't devastate you that it didn't work out and that she wasn't interested in you that's how 99% of your relationships will be until you find the one that works. The relationship won't work out it'll fall apart at one point or another until you find one that is a good one that you both work on and may last the rest of your life. It's just how things are it's not a conspiracy. It's just like how you always find a lost item in the last place you looked it's not cosmic it's just the last place because after you find it you stop looking, there's no gremlins hiding it from you, there's no magic it's just how things work.

Secondly if she is as vapid as you think she is, you don't want her anyway. Presumably you want a person who is actually interested in an authentic loving relationship.

Lastly if you're only interested in sex, watch p*** it's free, or join a local kink group and get your freak on, it will have only the most small amounts of strings attached, or travel to the counties in Nevada where sex work is safe and legal. It doesn't matter they're literally tons of options for that sort of release.

Dunkman83 · 2023-08-06T02:41:04+00:00

bingo..

Wide-Possibility-178 · 2023-08-06T04:34:49+00:00

I would say not always, I could be talking to a straight baddie and everything I say goes over her head, I’m not going to feel the spark, but when that convo naturally flows it’s straight electric

TigerBiting_A_Katana · 2023-08-06T05:30:50+00:00

This is most definitely correct. Also the mistake would be for men (or women, if the situation was reversed) to assume that this spark of chemistry can somehow be cultivated given enough time and familiarity. Yea it does happen sometimes but I wouldn’t count on it across the board

Business_Window_6232 · 2023-08-06T05:37:42+00:00

absolutely. This is the halo effect. But just know that since you are neurotyical you still have e achance at creating attraction with women. If you are autistic, it is just so much harder

2023-08-06T06:45:52+00:00

Disagree, women lack a feeling of chemistry with men who they find attractive all the time.

See for men, lust is very tied toward the visuals. Men see the tits and the ass and he's ready.

Women need the spark to burn.

ingridsuperstarr · 2023-08-06T07:43:20+00:00

you had a pleasant time. doesn't mean they did. work on conversation skills, don't fret over your looks.

LaPolloGrande · 2023-08-06T14:57:52+00:00

Nah, there’s tons of women I find sexually attractive that I want absolutely nothing to do with

Safinated · 2023-08-06T15:40:30+00:00

Lots of men think “sexually attractive” only means looks. That term is meant to convey otherwise

AdjectiveMcNoun · 2023-08-06T16:25:17+00:00

Nope. Being physically attractive doesn't determine the type of chemistry one will have with anybody.

I went on a date with an actual model once and all he talked about was how he used to play football in highschool and that he is a model. He was so boring! No spark there for me. Yes, my eyes found him appealing at first glance but that was were the attraction ended. I didn't go home with him and I didn't see him again.

Powerful_Risk1821 · 2023-08-06T22:45:17+00:00

Well yeah, it's ridiculous to say that there was "no spark/connection" after a first date. What else could it mean?

RealAmericanWeasel · 2023-08-06T23:10:56+00:00

Well, I haven’t been on many dates in my life but I think the idea that females are more worried about what you’re offering and less interested in becoming more appealing to you is not a good sign. They should be trying to show you why they’re worth it for you, not whether or not they have any particular feelings about the situation in general.

Title	The standard rejections of "no spark, not enough chemistry and not feeling it" is just a nicety of 'I didn't find you sexually attractive.'
Author	AudaciousPanther
Upvotes	121
Comments	145
Date	August 5, 2023 4:49 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/15j0jmx/the_standard_rejections_of_no_spark_not_enough/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/the-standard-rejections-of-no-spark-not-enough.1227643 https://theredarchive.com/post/1227643

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