What can autistic guys do to not make women feel like predators?

Swordfromthecement · 2023-12-16T14:34:43+00:00

Spend a lot of time making friends in the video games, anime and cosplay communities. Places that have a higher concentration of autistic people.

Making more money never hurts either.

AdEffective7894s · 2023-12-16T15:47:48+00:00

Your friends are jut trying to make it not sound as bad "Its not you its me"

Its like an asian girl saying she doesn't find asian guys attractive because they remind her of her siblings (eyeroll)

jamie29ky · 2023-12-16T16:30:57+00:00

I know exactly what you mean, and it makes sense. Some autistic people have characteristics that make them seem child-like. It's a common situation among autistic people. It's not a turn-off for men because those qualities don't come into conflict with the qualities they look for in women, but when it comes to what women are looking for, child-like qualities do come into direct conflict with the image of the mature, strong, leader type that they seek.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much to be done. If a woman sees you as child-like, you're not going to convince her otherwise. And changing your mannerisms, forget it. Especially since he's probably not even aware of exactly which mannerisms are triggering the response. I think it's going to just be a waiting game - hopefully, he will eventually find a woman who is autistic as well or just a woman who doesn't mind.

Cool_Relative7359 · 2023-12-16T16:22:21+00:00

I tried discussing it with some people I know, but it was mentioned that most women would probably not go out with him because they would feel like a predator.

Heyo, autistic woman here, with an autistic bf. This is because a lot of allistics don't actually know what autism is or have an outdated view of it. They think you can only be autistic with comorbid intellectual disabilities and yes dating someone with a below baseline IQ would be predatory. They just don't understand that autism can be a diagnosis on its own and that autistic people without intellectual comorbidities are in fact capable of sound judgment. Hopefully awareness about autism helps with this over time.

That said, autistic people are easier to manipulate and influence, and our brains do take a bit longer to finish cooking. So I can understand the concern about the inherent power dynamics as well. Of course, like most power dynamics this is surmountable with effort and genuine communication and neither person wanting to exploit the other, but there's all kinds of people out there.

It's been talked about here how autistic women have much more success with NT men compared to vice versa. If that's the case, the guys do not feel like predators, so maybe they are in a different headspace, compared to more women more so?

Just because someone does not "feel" like a predator, doesn't mean they aren't behaving like one. 9/10 autistic women will be in abusive relationships at least once in their life. Because red flags are very often social cues. Not just what is said, but how it's said and what isnt said.

And men are statistically more likely to behave predatorily to get what they want. Just look at how much advice to men on here is to outright lie to women to have them get interested or sleep with them. Or how many people think women should inherently be submissive to their partner, like its a fact of our biology or something.

To people like that, being naive and missing red flags, and not understanding manipulation at the same level as they do is very attractive. And what they expect of a woman.

Which is probably what allistic women have seen between allistic men and autistic women and they dont want to perpetuate that same harm. I know as a bi woman I'm always extra careful flirting with women, not because I'm worried about rejection, but I am petrified of making them uncomfortable or scared or feel pressured.

Also please teach your brother about emotional, physical and sexual abuse. 78% of autistic people are sexually abused, regardless of gender. So it really helps to be able to recognize those behaviours before anything happens, especially things like sexual coercion and power abuse which are more subtle and again based on social cues.

My advice for ASD men wanting to date:

Tatgeted EQ skills therapy. This is not masking (I would never reccomend that). This is literally a break down of EQ skills with them explained and then excersized (clear communication, conflict resolution, cognitive and affective empathy, emotional regulation, emotional processing, etc). This has the added benefit of being applicable to all your relationships, be they platonic, filial or romantic, or the one you have with yourself.

Put your special interest out there (unless it's R-rated coz that'll send the wrong message). Few things are hotter than someone who is genuinely passionate about something, and it's rare to find. (tbf, take this one with a grain of salt, coz it might just be that i rarely find anything else hotter, although I've had multiple women agree with me😅)

Good hygiene. Bad hygiene is one of the quickest turn offs for (many) women. And yes, with sensory issues that can be a real struggle.

bluepvtstorm · 2023-12-16T15:41:37+00:00

Some of the things that can make dating hard for an autistic man aren’t necessarily predatory, it can just come across as selfish. Again this isn’t true for everyone. This is just some things I have observed.

Things like the data download that happens when they have a hyperfocus. It’s not that they are trying to not allow space for someone else to talk it’s literally how their brain works but it comes across as really selfish. Sometimes it can be the food aversions or the rigidity to routine. It doesn’t allow for anyone else to choose where to eat or allow for deviations of plans.

Those things can be big barriers to successfully dating. Maybe he can practice conversational skills with you or maybe do something like set a timer when talking to let him know if he is going too long.

A lot of it is just trying to create some flexibility.

KayRay1994 · 2023-12-16T15:35:04+00:00

What i’ve done that’s worked fairly well is operating at her pace until she makes the first micro-move - ie. give her her space don’t keep too much distance, make sure she has a clear view of what’s on front of her, lots of eye contact and smiling, and focus on the conversation being had instead of her. Trust me, if she wants something, she’ll make it clear.

Now, if you’re talking about women you aren’t on a date with - flat out, treat them like everybody else; don’t let your eyes linger if you’re not talking to her (1 second rule), be pleasant, maintain eye contact while conversing, look at their body language and try to mirror it a little (i find that it gets me more involved in the interaction) and generally follow the basic rules of being respectful.

It’s tough - and prob way tougher depending on how far down the spectrum you are, but once he starts figuring things out it’ll start coming together. I also find that being in settings around other neurodivergent people has been really helpful and frankly more fun if you’re neurodivergent yourself

ComfortableJeans · 2023-12-16T15:05:49+00:00

I'm really sorry, it's heartbreaking to hear. I used to worry a lot about my brother, and he's not even autistic, I just know how brutal the world can be, and I'm a big worrier, but he turned out great.

It's not about being prey. It's about women being put off by autistic men. There's not much he can do to combat that neuro divergent way he is and women's general aversion to it. A lot of what it means to be noticeably autistic almost seems to be the antithesis of what women are attracted to. They just don't want to say, "I'm not attracted to autistic men."

If I had to make a game plan for wear to do, though, it would be this.

Fuck worrying about a girlfriend for now. At the moment, just get him involved in communities he has an interest in. Be it gaming, card collecting, anime, dirt biking, whatever, just get him involved in some communities like that.

While he's doing that, pursue a little traditional improvement type stuff. Like lowering his bf% and working out. So he looks better visually. And the obvious, too. Like being clean and whatever.

Go see a hairdresser, explain that he's autistic and that he may have some difficulties maintaining a high effort hairstyle. Ask her if theirs anything that's low effort, easy to maintain, but good-looking and see what your options are.

Now, doing all this while he's getting more and more involved in these communities, odds are he'll meet more and more women. Odds are he'll meet more women like himself there. Odds are, the better he looks to these women, the better chance he'll have of outrunnung his disorder.

I'm not saying that this is the way out, but I am saying that this long road has better odds of being the way out.

Deadwalking2k · 2023-12-16T22:13:12+00:00

Autistic men are more likely to be accused of being predators than prey. Cmon bro, be realistic.

Independent-Mail-227 · 2023-12-16T15:31:35+00:00

but it was mentioned that most women would probably not go out with him because they would feel like a predator.

This is cap, an excuse because speaking that his behavior make him unnatractive is not socially acceptable what make the entire premise of the post wrong.

Hulkbuster0114 · 2023-12-16T16:27:29+00:00

Just don’t tell them, unless it’s obvious.

Cethlinnstooth · 2023-12-16T15:02:56+00:00

Be independently functional in all necessary adult roles. Don't need a caretaker.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-12-16T16:04:46+00:00

Go out with disabled women. It isn't that autistic women are dating loads of NT men, but there are more autistic men than autistic women so they're able to pair up more easily. Going for a woman who stands out less and is more awkward and/or shy is also helpful even if she doesn't have any disability.

Nihi1986 · 2023-12-16T15:23:28+00:00

I know an autistic guy who is super succesful in dating...he's good looking and tall, tough maxed and does drugs...so basically a bad boy. Dunno if that helps, it shouldn't, but it's the case I know...

Electronic_West_1831 · 2023-12-16T14:48:31+00:00

Isn’t it usually the other way around?

BrownEyed-Susan · 2023-12-16T16:23:42+00:00

Autistic girls and women tend to mask much more than than Autistic boys and men.

Subsequently it may be easier for them to find dates with NT people.

I do not know any women who feel like a predator for dating an Autistic man unless he is profoundly disabled.

But at the end of the day I would just suggest he date another Autistic person. I am Autistic and have ADHD and get along much better with other people who are also.

Eowyn_In_Armor · 2023-12-16T17:19:08+00:00

I can’t think of any reason someone with autism would automatically come off as predatory. I mean, unless he was like following someone around, waiting in the parking lot for them or not taking no for an answer. I don’t know much about autism, maybe there are some other things that make it more complicated idk.

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2023-12-17T05:36:08+00:00

I'm going to be honest here. Your existence is enough to make women feel like your a predator, and you don't even have to be autistic...

Modern day shit, is men are assumed to be a predator until they prove the women otherwise.

Substantial_Video560 · 2023-12-17T16:55:18+00:00

Walk away from dating and relationships with your dignity and self worth intact.

AI_CODE_MONKEY · 2023-12-16T14:09:23+00:00

Here's an idea: how about we don't give men crippling anxiety and force them to walk on eggshells 24/7 for the sake of accommodating female neuroticism?

benjo83 · 2023-12-16T20:01:29+00:00

I don’t think it’s a case of “feeling like a predator”, it’s more about not wanting to “look like a predator” in the eyes of others.

Autistic women are much better at masking (something in the way they are socialised I guess) and men are generally less concerned about they are going to be perceived by others.

I’m sure your brother has many interests and hobbies, I would try to use these as an angle to socialise and meet and engage with women. The worst thing for an ND looking for a GF to do is to not socialise.

macone235 · 2023-12-16T20:39:12+00:00

Not much. The reality is that if you're autistic and can find a relationship, then you're lucky. Most autistic guys are going to struggle. To be honest, I think it's better to accept that fact, and turn your attention to something else. If a relationship still comes to you, then great. However, you're better off not focusing on it, and wasting time stressing on something that's probably not going to happen.

TheAvocadoSlayer · 2023-12-16T15:25:11+00:00

Autistic men view women as predators? I thought it was the other way around…

TaxiChalak · 2023-12-16T14:07:16+00:00

Don’t act like a damn robot

mrs_seng · 2023-12-16T14:09:52+00:00

I'm sorry, but nothing can convince me or make me want to go out with a guy with autism. It's not your brother's fault, i understand it's hard, i am empathic about the situation, but i would not be interested in a relationship.

This being said, there are other women who would not be bothered by this, or women with autism themselves.

Good luck to your brother, i hope he finds someone compatible.

wheartv · 2023-12-16T18:03:55+00:00

My former supervisor is on the autism spectrum

He married a church girl that believed in traditional values and tolerance

That’s the only way it worked for him because he, like most autistic people, eventually becomes annoying as hell

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SadDevelopment4813 · 2023-12-16T15:06:05+00:00

Fly to Venus and Take rocks with you keep them in your pockets too

recovery-throwaway · 2023-12-16T15:56:00+00:00

benzos help

MacaronFinancial · 2023-12-17T00:44:54+00:00

Coach Red Pill once made a video about how autism does not exist. I don't agree with him and it does exist but it may be overdiagnosed tenfold.

Or else we need to forget about the early 20th century label and just look into what exactly is difficult about socializing for people. The labels just make people indolent and passive. When it comes to real mental illnesses like schizophrenia this has been a thing for a while; instead of catering to a block of imagined symptoms based on the title the experts are actually treating the symptoms that occur for real. Having a massive toy collection is a bullshit "symptom" of autism as is every other "narrow interest".

I think a lot of "autism" is guys knowing their place looks wise from early rejection and humiliation. If you're ugly or average and don't luck out you won't develop confidence very easily, you'll be withdrawn and not learn social skills very quickly. In order to get rehabilitation of some sort from the health care services you need to be tagged with some sort of a diagnosis and 'autism' is a very encompassing bin. Once you learn the social skills and don't make an identity out of not fitting in your autism has been trashed. There is no blood test or other concrete evidence that you were somehow born different unless you're literally retarded with extra chromosomes or other obvious and concerete abnormalities.

According to some studies most autists in fact ARE mentally retarded and those studies seem to be based on the hard cases before everyone had ADHD, ASD or some other BS. Yet online we have people engaging in profound philosophical ruminations about their condition.

I predict that a few generations from now autism will be relegated to history books and something better will come up to describe people more specifically.

froderenfelemus · 2023-12-17T06:05:40+00:00

I’m an autistic woman. And most autistic men are just weird. Almost predatory like you say. I don’t know why exactly that is though.

But here are some things that might be relevant:

personal space. Women can easily feel threatened if you’re towering above them in their personal space
don’t stare. I know eye contact is hard. But the staring is giving psychopathic vibes
your volume. Classic autistic trait not being able to regulate how loud you’re speaking. I work with an autistic man, and he’s so fucking loud that it absolutely scares me
empathy is pretty important when dealing with women
the way he presents himself- haircut, skincare, clothes. Many autistic men tend to be unkempt and greasy looking (in my personal experience)
many autistic men have a fascination of Japanese culture, anime and all that. Which is cool, have your interests. But some just take it to an uncomfortable level. I know most women know exactly what I mean

Impressive-Coat-2680 · 2023-12-16T18:18:20+00:00

you are a predator. if you weren't one you would have nothing to fear. women know you're creepy because you are. stfu.

TermAggravating8043 · 2023-12-16T14:50:50+00:00

Don’t go for vulnerable woman

harmonica2 · 2023-12-16T15:21:53+00:00

Well I am autistic as well and years ago I had a girlfriend who was neurotypical and she didn't learn but I guess that's too rare?

PlainTundra · 2023-12-16T18:26:31+00:00

Does he go to the gym to get in shape? If he doesn't, encourage him to do it.

lostatlifecoach · 2023-12-16T20:40:13+00:00

Bruh is it just you and your girl or do you have a friend group? If you do take him around your friends more. And her friends. It's like socializing a dog. Get him used to people especially new people and get those people used to him and his quirks. That's where the term he grows on you comes from. I'm sure there are at least one or two women on here that will agree a partner needed the friend group push and time around her before she started seeing her guy that way.

Before the outcry of comparing autis men to dogs: Dogs personalities complement humans so well we get along with them better than other humans. They socialize similar to humans. It's also an apt comparison for a nuerotypcal person.

Read up on how to socialize a dog and tell me those tips won't work for 98% of the population.

Purple_Kangaroo8549 · 2023-12-16T20:52:04+00:00

Lol no woman(except maybe on reddit) views retarded men as "prey". The default reaction of women today is make a tiktok video making fun of the tard for hitting on them or crying eye-rape.

MxMaster9907 · 2023-12-17T00:46:11+00:00

You are autistic and have a girlfriend… shouldn’t you be giving him advice?

Apocalypstik · 2023-12-17T02:50:13+00:00

Tell them you're autistic. I'm an autistic woman with an ND partner. I prefer not dating NT--there is another layer of understanding that I get from my partner that I wouldn't get with an NT person. I'm also more likely to attract ND partners.

Masking isn't good in dating relationships because it's exhausting. I spend a lot of energy being hyper-aware in how I respond to co-workers. So I need to be able to just be my weird self at home. So my advice is--ask people on dates. It's a game of numbers and if he's a good dude then someone will like him for who he is.

Acceptable-Truck3803 · 2023-12-17T03:23:35+00:00

Wait. Your other post said you were autistic and in a relationship. Now you say you want to help your brother. Are you both the same person?

ReditGuyToo · 2023-12-17T04:22:20+00:00

But if that's the case, how can an autistic guy not make themselves out to be seem like prey to women, if that makes sense?

I hide my shortcomings with a mask: I use humor.

KingOnixTheThird · 2023-12-17T05:33:06+00:00

As an autistic guy myself, my advice to your brother would be to look in places where women are more likely to find autistic men attractive.

Listen, I was in college and most "normie" girls arne't into autistic men. The girls at church, the sorority girls, and the girls at bars, oftentimes want normie guys. In the Midwest USA where i'm from, that was being tall, good looking, neurotypical, and preferably white. If you were in any way different from this norm, ESPECIALLY if you didn't fit the idea of attractive, it limited your options. People tend to date those who are similar to themselves.

That's why if you're different such as myself, you basically have a couple different options.

- You can lower your standards and date less attractive girls. There's plenty of girls who are average or even plain looking who would be compatible girlfriends. Problems start happening when you only want to date really pretty girls.

- You can sometimes get lucky and date a hot girl but the stars really have to align in order for that to happen.

- Some men are choosing to go the "passport bros" route and this is somewhat common for autistic men or men with autistic tendencies. Why? Because as a white guy, your SMV (sexual market value) is naturally higher in a place like The Philippines compared to the USA so it's easier to date prettier girls from this region.

2023-12-17T09:57:03+00:00

Don't, most neurotypical women don't like or want autistic men.

jacemano · 2023-12-17T09:58:10+00:00

Money, get fit, get some sort of fashion or style aesthetic. Then your autism can be just eccentric

SecondEldenLord · 2023-12-17T10:48:10+00:00

Make themselves look hot and they will never be made predators. Or become rich.

YearnsToDestroySun · 2023-12-17T13:21:29+00:00

Idk, try a sex doll to raise his confidence? r/sexdolltherapy

maybe he can develop his own brand of charm and confidence.... shrug..if you're that desperate maybe an unorthodox method is worth a try 🤷

you can even type ideas or query for ideas as you go...

H8beingmale · 2023-12-17T22:43:22+00:00

i assume with your GF, you had to ask her out and start talking to her

AffectionateStep8911 · 2023-12-18T03:32:09+00:00

am i insane for thinking they see the autistic guys as the predators? it doesnt matter how harmless these dudes are women feel weirded out so theyre considered creepy as poorly as that paints women

harmonica2 · 2023-12-18T17:38:41+00:00

Thanks for the input everyone! So if women act like they are being predators in order to appear virtuous for turning down an autistic guy, why would they act like this towards the autistic guy though? I understand why the after this towards their friends but why act like this towards him?

harmonica2 · 2023-12-18T21:55:21+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2023-12-19T10:27:07+00:00

my 2 cents but as someone slightly spicy on the SNT spectrum Ive found women to be pretty accepting. I once told a women about the hydrological data for the local rivers I had gathered since the last years drought and she went on a second date with me.

SsRapier · 2023-12-19T18:23:10+00:00

Imma be real, its not that they feel like predators, your brother simply wont be attractive to them. Autism will cripple someone's social abilities. And women arent the ones initiating, so a man without good social abilities is unnatractive

Title	What can autistic guys do to not make women feel like predators?
Author	harmonica2
Upvotes	44
Comments	160
Date	December 16, 2023 1:55 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/18jrpoq/what_can_autistic_guys_do_to_not_make_women_feel/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-can-autistic-guys-do-to-not-make-women-feel.1240912 https://theredarchive.com/post/1240912

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