Q4W: What is your personal definition of a "good man"?

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-06-21T13:37:30+00:00

its not really a term ive ever used much, but when women say "m looking for a good man" they mean it in the way someone means "a good pair of shoes" in english--with good meaning "suited to me and my taste and desire" not a moral designation

Salt_Mathematician24 · 2024-06-21T13:54:07+00:00

For me; a gentle soul, artistic (doesn't have to be an artist but appreciate art and maybe dabbled in drawing/writing/music etc), kinda shy but with conviction, silly, playful, idealistic, curious, open minded, caring and compassionate.

Obsidian_Koilz · 2024-06-21T13:43:17+00:00

I had a "good man" in my last relationship. Loved that man fiercely. So, I'll talk about what made him a good man to me.

He was just as goofy as I am. This Irish lad was a proper dork (self labeled), and I'm a geek. M was always grabbing my hand for a 'frolic'. We'd basically be skipping through the store while shopping. He didn't care who knew how happy he was being with me. His feelings were on display, and I 100% loved that. It made it even more comfortable to be just as open about how I felt for him.

I believe it was on our 3rd date where he told me he wanted to be honest and explained that he had children, was divorced for 3 years, and had bipolar 2. I loved that it gave me the opportunity to choose whether or not I wanted to continue seeing him. M gave me space and time to really think about it.

We didn't always agree, but instead of yelling, we talked things out. He respected my thoughts and opinions as I respected his. We never called the other out of their name.

He was absolutely in love with his children. He had been previously married and had 3 children. They were a driving force for him. Watching him interact, play, and have an active role in their education made my heart do weird things.

There are many more things about him that made him a good man. But no good man is perfect on every front. Neurodivergence can mask a good man behind depression, sadness, anger, idiosyncratic, neurotic, or repetitive behaviors. Losing him still hurts 4 years later. The idea of seeing someone else, dating, or a relationship is still kind of... not for me at the moment.

So, I keep to myself.

serpensmercurialis · 2024-06-21T18:06:25+00:00

I’m assuming you’re meaning what personality makes a “good man” in the dating context. I’m just going to copy/paste from a previous thread:

When it comes to what you want in a man (or a woman but please make that clear), what makes a man have an attractive personality?

Intelligence, problem-solving skills, critical thinking, ability to mentally reframe situations, ability to emotionally regulate themselves in healthy ways, strong sense of personal agency, reflective nature, kindness, compassion, pro-social values, adaptive, curious, open-minded, generally light-hearted, affectionate, nurturing, has leadership skills but also a realistic idea of his strengths and when to let other people lead, socially skilled, strong reality-testing skills, can emotionally cope with failure in a healthy way, desires and acts to be a positive influence on the world around them.

What makes a man have an unattractive personality?

hubris, lack of critical thinking skills, victim complex, aggression, inability to regulate emotions in a healthy way, selfish, external locus of control, preoccupation with dominance and social status, low self-control, entitlement, insecurity that requires external validation, lack of cognitive empathy, pessimism and doomerism, mistrust, complacency, insecure attachment style, anti-social behavior or inclinations, inability to be honest with himself, baby rage when held accountable or criticized, escapism, instability, addiction problems, weak sense of self, poor relationship maintenance skills, positive action inhibited by fear of failure due to weak ego, no sense of self-direction.

Most of these in general have a lot of overlap with what I consider “good people” and “bad people” to be.

Professional_Chair28 · 2024-06-21T11:50:37+00:00

He strives to be better than he was yesterday. He’s caring and compassionate, to himself, to others, to service workers.

thelajestic · 2024-06-21T11:35:44+00:00

Kind and caring - good to their family and friends, respectful of people like service staff, not looking down on people or acting like they're inferior. Honest, follows through on commitments, takes accountability for their own actions.

But also self respect and boundaries (there's no value in being really nice to everyone even if they treat you like crap, for example).

SlavePrincessVibes3 · 2024-06-21T22:15:43+00:00

I could ask you the same about what you mean if you say you want to find "a good person" to be friends with. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Flightlessbirbz · 2024-06-22T11:55:41+00:00

Someone who treats others with kindness and respect, it’s that simple. Same thing that makes a woman a good woman.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2024-06-21T13:48:48+00:00

Someone with the capacity for destruction who chooses not to use it

operajunkie · 2024-06-21T16:01:31+00:00

Kind, empathetic, emotionally intelligent, responsible, leads by example. Doesn’t have a podcast.

literaryhogwartian · 2024-06-21T11:07:57+00:00

Decent, kind and accountable.

Unhappy_Offer_1822 · 2024-06-21T11:51:50+00:00

i dont believe in "good" or "bad" people

Freethinker312 · 2024-06-21T16:17:20+00:00

A man who is chaste, has chosen to wait with sex until lifelong commitment (marriage), prioritizes love and loyalty over sex, and doesn't consume porn, especially not while having a wife/girlfriend.

Large-Signal-157 · 2024-06-21T11:24:33+00:00

Optimistic, responsible and intelligent

CauliflowerElegant76 · 2024-06-21T13:14:29+00:00

Kind, smart, loyal, protective, caring, empathetic, traditional, family values, respectful towards women (as well as other people), emotionally intelligent, calm, hard-working. That’s all I can think of for now.

MistyMaisel · 2024-06-21T12:16:05+00:00

Honestly, the hallmark qualities.

He treats people who have nothing to offer him and are lowly with undeserved kindness and generosity.

He treats people who have much to offer him and are high with honesty and courage.

Economy-Shake-1448 · 2024-06-21T13:01:15+00:00

Mentally Stable: no severe, untreated mental illness.

Spiritually Stable: will either convert to my denomination or is already a part of it

Physically stable: no major physical disabilities or illnesses. It’s one thing to marry someone and they get a health issue after marriage. It’s another thing to willingly marry into it.

Financially stable: have a good job and career path that won’t lead to extreme poverty unless extreme circumstances happen.

Emotionally stable/ mature: will not throw a tantrum about splitting up housework or childcare. Doesn’t have anger issues. Isn’t in a power struggle dynamic. Has a marginal level of charisma where he is pleasant to be around and nice. Isn’t brooding and seething.

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MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-06-21T15:38:39+00:00

I think there are some more or less universal "good" traits - be kind, be respectful, take others into consideration, be open to honest communication. Those aren't that rare to come by. You'll meet some pricks in your life but most people tend to be okay in this "good" trait department, even if it takes a bit for them to mature.

I also think that there are some "good" traits that will vary from person to person. For example, I would never date a man who has a problem with me having guy friends or being friends with an ex. Some other women might not have an issue with that guy because they think he shouldn't have female friends, and they shouldn't have guy friends. I wouldn't date someone who insisted I take his name if we ever got married. Some other women might not have a problem with it, and might actually want to take their husband's last name. These "good" traits fall more into a "good match for me" category, not that they're necessarily good or bad people if they want or don't want the same as me.

Waschbar-krahe · 2024-06-21T17:12:26+00:00

Empathetic, intelligent, hardworking and playful are my main things. I want someone who can sit down and play videogames with me one day and help me with a project the next.

bloblikeseacreature · 2024-06-21T21:19:37+00:00

mostly the same as a good person but the standards relevant to relationship skills are higher.

a good person to me is someone who cooperates, deals with people honestly and fairly, takes care of those who need it, builds and creates, is capable of loyalty, has morals and values and real commitments to them, respects and upholds rules that are there to enforce the common good, but not rules that are unjust, etc. etc.

in a relationship a good person is also able to manage one's own emotions, communicate needs and set boundaries in an honest and direct manner, recognize fairness and mutuality and hold up one's own end, etc. etc. for a heterosexual man a common stumbling block is a disrespect for women. that's immediately disqualifying.

Mentathiel · 2024-06-22T13:11:44+00:00

I don't think there is a single definition, there are many very different men who are good men. Some good men are warm and kind and community-oriented. Some are boastful and loud and silly, but would die for their family. Some are cutthroat business people who still have a code of honor and a noble purpose for their pursuits. Some are on an individualistic path of self-development and self-actualization which may lead them to become great artists, spiritual leaders, or thinkers. Some are kind of unserious and hedonistic, but they're the center of a circle of friends and they're there for everyone, keeping everyone's social lives alive, helping others find balance and reconnect to the people they love occasionally by hosting events or visiting people. Some dream of revolutions, others safeguard the values that have brought us to this point.

I don't know, there are many ways to be a good person.

I suppose the only definition I could give is you must not be a bad person lol. A bad person is someone who lies, bullies, abuses, uses other people without reciprocating or getting their consent. Somebody who feels excessive entitlement and thus tries to dictate what others should think, say, or do, beyond what is a legal norm of their society (and to some degree cultural, but that is way mor grey). Who doesn't respect boundaries. Who tries to shame other people into submission. Idk.

half3mptyhalffull · 2024-06-21T12:24:27+00:00

personality doesnt really come into play in my mind, because all personalities have the potential to be good or bad or neutral.

-treats people with general kindness and respect.

-honest with himself/sets healthy boundaries for himself.

-takes care of himself- is willing to help take care of the people he loves when its necessary.

-sets realistic goals for himself and works towards them.

-has a moral code/code of ethics of some kind that he is able to articulate.

-has specific interests/hobbies that he genuinely enjoys.

-has the most normal sleep schedule he is capable of (some people are insomniacs and i get that)

(this list is the same one i apply to women too btw)

Suspicious_Glove7365 · 2024-06-21T13:16:16+00:00

Honest, empathetic, emotionally mature, kind, hard working

Planthoe30 · 2024-06-21T21:38:37+00:00

•Lives by his morals and is Christian.

•Demonstrates discipline, chooses commitment over casual relationships. He doesn’t partake in hook up culture even when the opportunities present themselves.

•Kids adore him and he enjoys making them smile.

•Family oriented, chooses me over friends. Has a good relationship with his father and mother. Makes time for my family.

•Is extroverted and has a positive outlook on life.

•Is highly intelligent. A role model at work and in social settings.

ConanTheCybrarian · 2024-06-22T02:00:25+00:00

"good" is such a fraught term; but given that you are asking our personal opinions, a man I think is good to have in my life/ be close to would be:

honest
intelligent
thoughtful
clever
funny
empathetic
emotionally mature
self- aware
compassionate
a learner
integrous
supportive
interesting
accepting

if you specifically mean what type of man would I personally consider morally good, it would be all of the above except for:

intelligent
clever
funny
interesting

I don't believe those are technically required for a good moral alignment.

crookedsummer2019 · 2024-06-21T12:08:52+00:00

A man who is decent to other people ( not rude, arrogant, demeaning). However he has a backbone and won’t put up with bs from other people.

Can consider perspectives other than his own. Doesn’t mean he has to accept it as his own perspective, but can respect that not everyone he meets is him. Not have a rigid opinion on everything. This one for me personally is important, I can’t tolerate small minded men or women.

Has some ambition, doesn’t have to be sky high but is interested in pursuing self improvement and seeks like minded partners.

Isn’t afraid to hold himself and others accountable.

SaBahRub · 2024-06-21T14:42:49+00:00

Unselfish and giving

apresonly · 2024-06-21T21:11:11+00:00

has respect for himself (very very rare)

aspires to be a good person and have integrity (very rare)

aspires to have long term healthy relationships with those around him

addresses problems rather than letting them fester 80% of the time (i use the 80/20 rule a lot w my own values and morality, i need to make sure i'm doing the right thing 80% of the time at least and then allow for me not always being perfect, but I know as a rule I am generally trying to do the right thing 8-9 times out of 10).

looks out for those weaker/more vulnerable than him, he holds the door open behind him rather than slamming it shut so he has less competition

treats others fairly in his work and in his private life (ex: if he sells something he would not want to own, he is a bad neighbor and a bad salesman per Wendell Berry's standard).

mrs_seng · 2024-06-21T11:37:09+00:00

A good man for me: extrovert, charming, charismatic, humorous, a bad boy with a heart of gold, helps friends, has a job, makes his share of chores, has muscles covered in fat + belly, doesn't go to the gym, plays games, no chest hair, no baldness.

Title	Q4W: What is your personal definition of a "good man"?
Author	shadowrangerfs
Upvotes	14
Comments	212
Date	June 21, 2024 10:58 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1dl1814/q4w_what_is_your_personal_definition_of_a_good_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-what-is-your-personal-definition-of-a-good-man.1522314 https://theredarchive.com/post/1522314

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