Narcissism seems to be the new buzzword today. Did or are you dealing with that in your present or past divorce?

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-07-22T23:16:35+00:00

Thanks to all the guys who contributed to this feed. The answers were thoughtful, powerful and poetic... Thanks again.

Willing_Bread6677 · 2024-07-18T00:48:12+00:00

I am in that position right now. A SO that has never ever been wrong in ten years of marriage; their family that never thought they were wrong and enabled the behavior. I kept giving and giving but when I asked for something or spoke about something I did not like I became selfish and a gaslighter. Now we are just living in the same home like strangers. There is so much wrong we both did in this marriage but not sure how I am still the narcissist if I realize my faults but the other just believes they have nothing to repent for.

TheWormTurns22 · 2024-07-15T17:18:13+00:00

Heck yeah it's a problem, I'm not real social don't know a lot of people, but I'd say every divorce i know of is because wife is an evil narcissist. They are a vast army of evil robots; they all act alike. This is why on r/NarcAbuseAndDivorce everyone seems to be posting the same story! Weird!

upvotersfortruth · 2024-07-15T11:39:06+00:00

Children of narcissists are definitely problematic.

Mister_Vandemar · 2024-07-15T02:24:44+00:00

I’ve also noticed that disagreeing with my ex was “gaslighting”. I can remember when “gaslighting” meant insidious manipulation with an aim to make the victim doubt their sanity.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-07-14T20:31:34+00:00

Actually I did a very scientific study on this. Odds are if you were born a male you are probably a narcissist. You can read more details here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/VtBRskxusa

4rdfun · 2024-07-14T17:12:31+00:00

I think a bad marriage brings out narcissism, which definitely was the case for my situation. I don’t think she’s an actual narcissist, but the behaviors sure do line up.

Ok-Cat1446 · 2024-07-14T11:27:18+00:00

You are right. The only window we have to the world is thru pur own lens and perspectives so of course everyone comes at life with a self-centric point of view. True narcissism is a whole separate pathology. I think in a true marriage, partners learn to appreciate the other's perspective and inability to do so often leads to accusations of self-centeredness which is often mislabled as narcissism. Not to say there are no narcissists out there, but the word is overused these days.

Embarrassed-Steak331 · 2024-07-14T08:11:43+00:00

Psychology has degraded into pop culture techobabble and name calling.

OleGriffyBoi · 2024-07-14T03:46:21+00:00

I'd say my current divorce qualifies with that buzzword, as well as borderline personality disorder. Basically, I'm in a situation where my ex-wife played the system and acted as though she was the victim. Had me arrested under the guise of "assault," then proceeded to stalk me when I was trying to stay away from her craziness, distance myself, and live my life. She continues to try and stall the divorce, stalk me although she's been arrested for it, as well as put our child second to herself, which was a common theme that was the marriage, but that's thankfully in the past. She never takes any responsibility for her own actions, everything is my fault as always, continually lies about her actions, and continues to make questionable decisions that are not in our child's best interest and put him in a situation where he could be in danger. Everyone in my family and my friends are controlling me against her. These people are sick.

Jake_Barnes_ · 2024-07-14T03:14:45+00:00

9/10 divorce clients use it.

Equivalent-Creme5282 · 2024-07-14T00:13:49+00:00

Yep, it has been a month or so since we moved out of our common house (we were renting), and while I was cleaning up the place to sell some of the furniture, she "casually" forgot her "Narcissistic Abuse Recovery" book under a mattress. Smooth and classy. I began questioning myself and believing I indeed was a narcissistic abuser, but thankfully, I got some great friends and a family who got me out of that rabbit hole.

thrownaway41422 · 2024-07-13T23:49:33+00:00

That term gets thrown around by men and women alike. It's gotten to the point that anytime someone does something for themselves and not the other person, they get labeled that and men do it too.

Yes, we all have narcissistic qualities. Everyone does. That's part of human nature. Just because you have some of those qualities, that doesn't mean you are one.

Chris_Chilled · 2024-07-13T21:15:54+00:00

My STBX threw that diagnostics around way to much and she was a therapist. At times our lives in a certain situations we are all narcissistic tendencies, or anxiety or depression. That doesn’t mean it justifies the clinical diagnosis.

letsbehavingu · 2024-07-13T21:02:55+00:00

Feels like it’s lost all meaning at this point . Does it just mean they were spoiled growing up?

l3landgaunt · 2024-07-13T20:57:28+00:00

I didn’t know that’s what I’m dealing with until the process started. She literally can’t accept that she’s done anything wrong. She seems to think it’s fine to just break up with someone out of the blue but demand they continue to provide for all her needs. She won’t leave the house and I’m paying every bill in full. She works but says she doesn’t have the money to contribute but always has money to go out with friends and shit. Living like this is pure hell. I want to heal and move on, but I’m trapped by her. She gets home from work, disappears until I’ve made dinner for the kids. She eats the food I made for the kids then just leaves. She says I’m not trapped and can make plans but every single time I do she does something to sabotage my plans. I work from home too so this is like a prison sentence. I have to sacrifice all my free time to do all the housework, take care of the kids (which I love, don’t get me wrong), etc. I have no life because she still controls me through her actions. Any time there’s a schedule conflict she just tries to pawn the kids off with one of her parents instead of being a responsible adult

doublex2troublesquad · 2024-07-13T20:10:54+00:00

What I love is she's not stone-walling, she's protecting her peace. She said what she said and there's no reason to ever repeat it or talk about it!-???? really?

What really hit home with my ex was when the kids (8-12) started calling her out on the same things I was saying to her behind closed doors- Wild

Beneficial_Town2403 · 2024-07-13T20:03:46+00:00

My stbxw just called me a narcissist in an email lol

WindowFuzz · 2024-07-13T18:27:08+00:00

In addition to the term being overly used, it is also possible that our society itself contributes to nurturing narcissistic tendencies. There's a phenomenon called the "dark triad" which includes narcissism and these individuals often complain of being victims (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32614222/). The reality is that our social media companies rely on creating a sense of victimhood in their users--that anger draws them back to the social media platform, which can then display ads to them (https://www.aceprensa.com/english/the-culture-of-victimhood-chic-self-indulgence). Women tend to consume social media more than men, so they are being influenced by these forces. That doesn't absolve them of blame, though. So, I don't think that it is just that narcissism is a buzzword--I think that our social media landscape is increasing narcissistic tendencies in our society (https://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/14/opinion/narcissism-is-increasing-so-youre-not-so-special.html)

The book "Gatekeepers: A Tactical Guide to Commitment" has several helpful chapters that describe what guys should look for in a partner. A key point he makes is to look for a woman who has not fallen prey to the victimhood mindset that permeates our society.

aintTrollingYou · 2024-07-13T18:25:35+00:00

If I'm being honest I think we both are narcissists but in different ways.

greywindowsill · 2024-07-13T18:02:55+00:00

Look up Ross Rosenberg. I work with him 1-on-1 to heal trauma caused by narcissism in family. He has a book called The Human Magnet Syndrome which explains why you keep falling for the same type of woman over and over.

Acidhouse2137 · 2024-07-13T17:10:04+00:00

If you say no and don't allow yourself to becoming a doormat/servant, you are a narcissist. Btw l strobgly believe modern women in majority having dormant cluster B traits, i'ts like a fucking dud or landmine - waiting to explode.

biscuts99 · 2024-07-13T16:50:51+00:00

Let's see, so far I'm a narcissist, controlling, gaslighting, manipulative, took her away from her family, and abusive.

But she's infallible obviously.

All of this is sarcasm btw. She finds whatever on tiktok she can scream about.

sak144 · 2024-07-13T16:37:39+00:00

I was called "sociopathic", not narcissist. I started to question my own sanity so much that I started seeing a therapist to figure out if I really was some sort of monster.

As it turns out, the professional who actually deals with this type of stuff for a living introduced me to another overused term called "gaslighting". 😂

Stay safe out there gents. And when anyone diagnoses you with a personality disorder based on some stupid Facebook quiz or WebMD article, kindly tell them to GFO.

DaddyNoBux · 2024-07-13T16:36:21+00:00

I went down the narc rabbit hole. It’s like cold reading to a certain degree. If you look hard, you will find whatever you want.

I’ve settled on the ex being a c-unt. She definitely fulfils the criteria for that diagnosis

WizofWorr · 2024-07-13T16:21:29+00:00

Yes, I'm a narcissist, autistic, bipolar, suicidal, depressed, anxious, list goes on.

All of our ex's are trained in the DSM of course, that's how they are all so good at finding these mental disorders we never knew we had.

Flashy-Excitement247 · 2024-07-13T16:11:18+00:00

I agree and disagree. The term is definitely over used in a non clinical setting, but many people can exhibit traits of these Cluster B personality disorders without a formal clinical diagnosis. Cluster B is from the DSM IV which includes NPD, BPD, High conflict HCP, Anti Social Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality disorder. The prevailing advice is to not get overly focused on a clinical diagnosis, but to carefully examine the traits and patterns to observe their impact on your own well being. One requirement of a clinical diagnosis is a repeated pattern of mal adaptive behavior that interferes with normal day to day functions. The key being a pattern. There is a great book I would recommend called "stop walking on eggshells, 3rd edition". It helps you to identify the behavioral patterns and recognize them in your own situation, but not as a means to label or diagnose your partner, but rather to know how to manage yourself, your reactions, and to understand the root of the behavior. In my situation, I believe my stbxw does actually have undiagnosed BPD, but that suspicion is based on knowing the traumatic history of her childhood, some bad shit that happened in her family later, and observing her compulsive tendencies towards anger, projection, and verbal abuse. Also, it is not helpful at all to tell your not-any-more-significant other that they have x,y, or z. That will backfire. It is very clear when you read peoples stories that many people on this sub are actually dealing with someone who suffers from these types of personality disorders. We shouldn't dismiss people here for using the term narcissist... They may be trying to express deeper issues without fully understanding that these disorders can manifest in levels, exhibit overlapping traits (sharing of clinical traits), and express themselves in both conventional and unconventional forms. In all cases, if this describes your situation, seek therapy from someone trained in dealing with these types of behavioral issues.

NewDay0110 · 2024-07-13T16:05:12+00:00

Finding out about narcissist helped me piece together what I was dealing with. It gave me a framework and words to describe her behavior that was predictive of what she would do next. Narcissism is a spectrum. It is part of all of us to some degree, so it may be inappropriate to use as a label, but understanding it helps you identify very common toxic behavior early and nip it in the bid.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-07-13T16:04:44+00:00

Narcissist is the new buzzword that many women call their ex. In years past it was controlling. It was used when you started saying no and stopped being controlled by her.

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-07-13T15:10:34+00:00

Not really; why how she acted towards me could be described as 'narciccistic' it's really only towards me; she's perfectly fine towards anyone other than her family, And I've seen a similar behavior in how other men were treated, leading me to believe it's more something to do with moving on to another guy, rather than just being a narc in general

bkdad75 · 2024-07-13T15:04:02+00:00

Someone sometimes being selfish, greedy, ambitious, vain, deceptive or disagreeable doesn't come close to making them a genuine narcissist. I think people should use words like that instead. From what I've read, the genuine article is pretty wildly unhinged and quite dangerous, something close to a psychopath.

WorkingSearch6124 · 2024-07-13T15:03:49+00:00

Lived with one for over 20 yrs - just hired a lawyer to proceed with divorce; parental alientation was the last straw that made me decide finally. From my experience, it never gets better - we just keep giving until there is nothing more left for them to take other than your life. They say anyone can change but a narc won't change. A true Narcissist will never change.

jKick_thaONE · 2024-07-13T15:00:22+00:00

My ex wife was a narcissist, or someone with narcissistic personality disorder. She was so dangerous, I finally had to divorce her after 15 years of marriage. And she was so angry that she blew up my phone and had our adopted son refuse my calls.

Gillilnomics · 2024-07-13T14:59:05+00:00

I always thought it was too much of a buzzword.

But then my eyes were opened.

When I caught her cheating she said she didn’t “owe” anything. When I caught her lying about having a miscarriage and secretly aborting our second child she didn’t “owe” the truth. When I caught her pocketing mortgage payments and letting her parents cover them; I “didn’t understand”. When she physically assaulted me I “deserved it”.

Just this morning I tried to confront her for the truth again. It’s useless. She lives in a fantasy land where all of her actions are rational and it’s everyone else that is a problem.

citizen5001 · 2024-07-13T14:55:00+00:00

I’m not qualified to diagnose someone as one, but I can call out an extreme level of selfishness of her interests over the kids, another family and mine.

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-07-13T14:48:13+00:00

People can exhibit narcissistic behaviors but it does not mean they are a narcissist. Gaslighting and egotistical behaviors are not reserved for narcissists. Just another way to place a label on someone. 99% of people don’t even know definition of a true narcissist.

ZackyAnarchyy · 2024-07-13T14:47:35+00:00

Yes, if I wasn’t blinded by emotion as well as thinking with my other head, I might’ve seen it. When friends would tell me things about the stbxw, I dismissed it thinking it was something completely different. What really cemented it in my head, finally after a few years is her sister telling me that she’s narcissistic.

Then I started piecing together the puzzle of everything I’ve been told, heard, and overall what truly was happening. If it’s to the point that narcissism is dictating everything from her to control the relationship, depending on where you’re at, it falls under the category of domestic violence from what I heard.

sunkskunkstunk · 2024-07-13T14:43:43+00:00

Random thoughts of mine about it. Normal behavior becomes more intense at the end of the relationship I think. Maybe I just saw her for who she had always been. It wasn’t “us” anymore. Just her because she was done with me. So I used that word. It’s overused but I also think it’s always been prevalent in society. Just noted more, and this used more. Just saying selfish doesn’t seem enough anymore I guess.

Plus it has a more defined diagnosis. Kids with learning disabilities were just called the r word. Now it can be more defined. I don’t think more people are narcissistic today.

For me it’s just hard to put into words my feelings, so I just say the harshest thing that’s used now without resorting to name calling. Somehow makes me feel like I’m the better person. lol.

ADivorcedGuy · 2024-07-13T14:34:12+00:00

Yes! I had this conversation yesterday. This term is so overused that a true narcissist falls through the cracks. It is quickly approaching "the boy that cried wolf" level. IMO, it is better to talk about the specific behavior that is in question vs labeling someone with a label that is becoming meaningless.

Independent_Owlz · 2024-07-13T14:28:43+00:00

Yes, she probably has the disorder but has never been fully diagnosed.

She has become the worst version of herself. And refuses to get help.

tempussecundus · 2024-07-13T14:22:25+00:00

I think it's thrown around way too much to be honest. I think resentment is the more apt word, communication breaks down and the wife begins to resent rather than discuss until it spills over and she walks out.

Title	Narcissism seems to be the new buzzword today. Did or are you dealing with that in your present or past divorce?
Author	DivorceRecoveryMen
Upvotes	22
Comments	76
Date	July 13, 2024 2:16 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1e2bgew/narcissism_seems_to_be_the_new_buzzword_today_did/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/narcissism-seems-to-be-the-new-buzzword-today-did.1524183 https://theredarchive.com/post/1524183

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