Wife wants M-F, I want 50/50. How to get her to agree?

SeaweedWeird7705 · 2024-12-14T15:17:54+00:00

Well if you go to court, the judge will give 50/50. In most states 50/50 is the default unless there is abuse neglect etc. If she won’t be persuaded then the judge will fix it

Leather-Wolf3974 · 2024-12-12T00:11:17+00:00

Thats straight manipulation, sir. She just wants what she wants and who cares about what you want. Youre divorcing, either she can compromise which is 50/50 or she is having her way at your expense. Did you divorce because of stuff like that? Just remember you are no longer partners and anyone who is actually a friend wouldn't do you like that.

And as far as lawyers and money go, you csnbmake more money, and you can make more kids. But you cannot replace the ones you already have. If they're important to you, then they're re worth the expense. Yes, my experience may be different, but it has shown me that in my and many other cases, to her it isn't about the kids, its always out getting one over on you. Its dark and I am fortunate for my therapist, but divorce can be like that.

Medium_Message_224 · 2024-12-11T02:07:26+00:00

OK what i did was help change the law here in KY where 50/50 shared parenting is the rule and deviation from that requires court documents stating why that it was not approved.

Before that though, I moved within 1 mile of my ex and the kids’ school. Had to do everything to make it easy on the judge. Highlight child care during work hours. If she is a sahm, hopefully your alimony is not a living wage. CS is for kids not for spouse lifestyle maintenance. Note that she will have to go back to work and then the playing field becomes more equal.

All the outcome stats favor the dad. The trick here is to get the court to functionally define the term “best interest of the child”. Point to the stats of single (involved) dad household outcome stats. They are near that of married couples. Single mom homes fair significantly bad on outcomes.

Thrownaway_marriage · 2024-12-10T22:03:57+00:00

We ended up having to submit our proposals to the court. We each wanted M-F. I live within walking distance to their school and work about 10 mins away. She was commuting 45 mins way and had moved outside the school district. The court still decided 50/50 was better.

I see them every day, though. The ex can't make her schedule work without me picking up the kids from school, etc.

OFlahertyLaw · 2024-12-10T19:21:12+00:00

In situations involving custody, the focus should always be on what is in the best interest of the children (and this is the court's view as well). A few factors worth considering:

It can be helpful to highlight that both parents' consistent involvement is crucial for the children's emotional and psychological development. A 50/50 custody arrangement allows both parents to maintain strong relationships with the children, provide balanced routines, & offer a sense of stability.
- While concerns about consistency are valid, it may be useful to point out that consistency doesn't necessarily mean one parent has primary custody - a well-structured 50/50 plan can ensure a consistent routine while also allowing both parents to share equally in the responsibilities of raising children.
Creating a clear and flexible co-parenting plan that outlines responsibilities, schedules, and decision-making could demonstrate a commitment to working together for the children's benefit. This plan can reassure both parties that stability can be maintained even in a shared custody arrangement.
If one parent is insistent on primary custody, it may help to express a willingness to negotiate. (A phased plan, where the custody arrangement starts with a slightly unequal schedule and gradually moves toward a 50/50 arrangement as the children adjust, might provide a practical middle ground). This can show willingness to work together & avoid any unnecessary conflict.
Acknowledging the emotional toll and financial costs of a contested custody battle may encourage a more cooperative approach between individuals undergoing divorce. Emphasizing the benefits of avoiding conflict and prioritizing the children's well-being can help steer the conversation toward finding potential common grounds.
A neutral third party, such as a mediator or counselor specializing in family matters, could help facilitate productive discussions, as professional guidance can help both parents better understand each other's perspectives and propose solutions that benefit the children without jumping to involve the court
Showing a genuine commitment to being an active, involved parent can potentially help ease concerns about shared custody. Reassuring the other parent that a 50/50 arrangement is workable and beneficial for the children can foster trust and cooperation in the longrun

The above information does not constitute an attorney-client relationship, it is merely for information purposes.

smooth-vegetable-936 · 2024-12-10T08:06:43+00:00

The court gave me full custody of my daughter bcs x wife stated that she wanted to leave the country. I took advantage of that and the judge agreed to have both of my daughters with their dad. Love them so much and will do everything for them. The court will decide depending on u guys agreement and situation

Ladiesman94952 · 2024-12-10T05:02:55+00:00

The courts will decide for you... you basically have no say

Dust_barrels27 · 2024-12-10T04:53:39+00:00

Good luck you don’t need to think long on this you I. The lone star state you lucky to get a weekly visit - Texas is pro mom that state sucks ass so messed up you deserve any custody deal however you ain’t getting anything

Saved2Play · 2024-12-10T03:55:24+00:00

GET CHILD SUPPORT!!!!!!!!!!

AirSailer · 2024-12-10T02:44:31+00:00

I had a convo with another father from Texas recently who made way less than his wife and yet he still has to pay child support. Apparently in Texas the non-custodial parent pays child support to the custodial parent REGARDLESS of the income of the custodial parent. This is why she wants you to agree to give her more than 50%.. she doesn't want to pay YOU for child support, she wants you to pay her.

Get. A. Lawyer.

Also, never get married (or divorced) in Texas.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-12-10T00:24:30+00:00

You go to court. Unless you are in a hick state 50/50 is the default, doesn't matter what your stbx wants.

Do not waive child support. That's is your kids money and you have no right to say no to it. If you don't want to use it to enrich their lives now then put it in savings and give it to them later on.

TheNattyJew · 2024-12-09T23:23:43+00:00

IDK but all the feminists tell me that men never have to fight for their kids. They are just lazy POS's if they don't get 50/50 they say

Upper-Guess1330 · 2024-12-09T22:11:01+00:00

Some expenses are worth it. In this case being apart of your children's childhood is worth it.

gorillavstiger · 2024-12-09T22:02:58+00:00

I was in that situation many years ago, I refused to move forward with the divorce without 50/50 custody. Ended up getting it

That_Ignoramus · 2024-12-09T22:00:37+00:00

I had a guy in a black robe tell her for me.

Seriously: parents who don't want 50/50 either are protecting their kids from something seriously wrong with their ex, or they're trying to win a game against you by getting the kids more. Nothing you've posted says that you're a danger to the kids, so the court, in theory, will presume that a 50/50 split is best for them. The only question now is how expensive she is going to make it.

stent00 · 2024-12-09T21:15:57+00:00

Lawyer up... she's not going to agree. Have to likely fight it out in court... wish I did. I became a weekend dad as she was primary caregiver at home for 10 years so I didn't have a chance. My lawyer sucked.

jkw118 · 2024-12-09T20:29:39+00:00

So I (the dad) have been the primary care giver for me and the ex's kids. Realistically for you to do 50/50 you both need to live near if not next to each other. My kids school district will only pickup/drop off at one address.

My ex wants 50/50 and honestly not sure if she can handle it. As she's had many instances where she can't.. I also work FT. If you go to court the court will want 50/50 and push for that, it won't be easy. And this can also depend on ages/school of the kids.

For some theirs's no convincing. Go to your lawyer, have them talk to her lawyer.. Unless their is some kind of abuse/other major reason you'll get 50/50

Sea_Emu_4259 · 2024-12-09T20:22:04+00:00

Dot NOT leave the house unless you wanna compromise your child custody & create a custody precedent.
Studies show that consistent involvement from both parents contributes to kid' well-being. On the other side, an absent father is often a key factor in the development of delinquent behavior.
Suggest mediation to have a neutral professional guide the conversation. A mediator can help identify mutual priorities and propose fair solutions.
Propose a temporary 50/50 arrangement for 6 months to evaluate its impact on the children. This reduces the sense of permanence and gives both of you a chance to see how it works.
If nothing works at last solution, ask your rights for Alimony & child Support. She may back down & agree on shared custody. Personally i would have asked both, shared child custody & alimony+child support. She would have asked if situation were reversed. Don't be fooled by the "you are The Independent Proud Man" Card.
Fight for 50/50: TIME with love ones is one resource that can never be bought back. As people reflect on their lives in their final moments, the common regret expressed is: 'I wish I had loved more and worked less.' Don't be that regretful guy !

MickeyWallace · 2024-12-09T19:56:54+00:00

How close will you live next to one another? If close and school can be arranged as the pick up / drop off point then it can be arranged.

I had the following arrangement for my now 21 yr old son

MT: Me

WTh: Her

FSS: Alternating

Each parent will have 2:2:5:5 ensuring 7/14 days.

Holiday template will be in place and honored.

This system works if both parents live relatively close to one another and transportation to/from school is coordinated.

Good luck!

regertsrus · 2024-12-09T18:46:18+00:00

How old are the kids? Who is has been the primary caregiver?

Smoovie32 · 2024-12-09T18:21:09+00:00

Flip the script. If she thinks M-F with a parent is good for the kids, then there is no reason that they should not live with you for the majority of the time. Make that your line in the sand and make her negotiate back to 50/50.

Icerunner45 · 2024-12-09T17:58:34+00:00

From my limited experience so far, there is no getting her to agree. She decided to leave. If she didn’t pay the bills or contribute to your finances over the years, she likely does not understand the financial situation, especially how much a divorce devastates you financially. All that money goes to the court and lawyers instead of yourselves and your children. I know of multiple ex-wives who left because they weren’t happy, then spent $100k+ on the divorce still thinking the bank was full and they would take half.

Edit: forgot to add, be prepared for the false abuse allegations as soon as she doesn’t get her way.

warwww · 2024-12-09T17:52:18+00:00

I will say this though, I had to “fight” tooth and nail to have 50/50 custody while the mother was able to modify 2/2/3 to 2/2/5 at will and at a whim. It was as if custody was hers and hers only to decide.

I’ll never understand how most judge ascribe to the fact that kids are better off cut off from their fathers by default.

100% of my friends that have gone to prison grew up without their fathers around.

warwww · 2024-12-09T17:49:37+00:00

Waste of all energy trying to get her to agree. The fact that she has to be convinced as a starting point should tell you all you need to know.

Any person who would expend great energy to keep the biological parent away while having no issue entertaining people who will never have a similar bond to said child to be with them the majority of the time is not worth even effort of a conversation.

I don’t want to be around another man’s child more than he would like to be if the mother fought to keep him out of his kids life.

quantum7066 · 2024-12-09T17:47:02+00:00

As one or two commented, you need an attorney who can take this all the way up to the trial. You wont get her to agree. Hire a trial lawyer. Not willing to hire a lawyer thinking it will drain your resources is your weakness and do not ever show that weakness to her. How old is your kid?

If she wants consistency then you propose that you can have her M-F and she can have every other weekend otherwise tell her that you will see her in the court

jimsmythee · 2024-12-09T17:25:15+00:00

You can't get her to agree.

By making herself the primary parent, she gets more CS $'s, or in your case, mitigates your CS claim.

And neither parent can say, "I waive my rights to CS!" Because literally 2 seconds later, they can change their mind, go to family court and get CS $'s.

no-more-nazis · 2024-12-09T17:03:00+00:00

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8160159/

My brother's wife, a psychiatrist, sent this to my ex and I never heard about less than 50/50 again. Before that she was trying to argue it was best for the kids if I stepped away.

Spared-No-Expense · 2024-12-09T17:02:10+00:00

first thing is have any lawyer who doesn't require a $5K retainer immediately submit the petition simply to draw a line in the sand on date for debts, assets, and school district. it shouldn't cost more than $500 to do this. If its possible for him to include no other asks and specify that the parents will attempt to resolve all matters with a mediator first.

this prevents her running with the kids back to your MIL's home state or a long distance AP and also prevents dissipation of assets, liquid cash prior to filing. not including any "asks" in the petition (if possible) will reduce any feeling she might have of you going behind her back. all you did was mark a day on the calendar.

then you can bring up 50-50 with the mediator among other things and suss out whether she's going to be difficult and demonic, or fair and reasonable. if the former, or if she delays going to a mediator with you too long, then you go back to your lawyer to start preparing for war.

ageoffri · 2024-12-09T16:58:32+00:00

Time to change your mindset. This is no longer your wife that is supposed to be a partner. It's now a business transaction and in the best case it's one focused on what's best for the kids. You don't convince her.

50/50 is your hill to die on. Depending on the kid's age, 7/7 is a good schedule for late elementary or older. For early elementary, I like the 5-2-2-5 plan. Younger kids there is research that shows the kids shouldn't be away from either parent for more overnights than their age. Common schedule that is rough on parents is 3-2-2-3.

Child support, you don't want to do unofficial if there is any contact. But don't mention a single word of child support from now on. Once the parenting plan has a judge's stamp, then you MUST file for child support. While courts hold dad's to a higher standard, even mother's can get screwed over by a dad not getting child support when entitled for it.

Next up, is lawyer's. If she isn't ready to settle for 50/50, you have no choice to lawyer up. Lawyers are not good for kids at all but which is better, an every other weekend screw job without lawyer involvement or 50/50 with lawyers?

Now I hope you haven't moved out of the house and the kids are still there. You must stay in the house with the kids, or if anyone lease with the kids you do. Otherwise your STBX gets so much leverage that it hard to overcome.

Expect for "Women's Divorce Handbook" tactics to start. False allegations of child abuse and/or domestic violence. Also so called "Silver Bullet" tactics. Especially if she has friends who are divorced and have more than 50/50, they'll start feeding her all sorts of ideas. The wrong lawyer for her can also create a sense of entitlement that will make things insane.

I don't see where you are located so some of this applies to the US and becomes State specific. If you are in a single party State, it's time to have a digital audio recorder going in your pocket at all times when around her. If you are in a multi-party State talk with a lawyer, my ex is so bad that my first lawyer said he would still advise me to carry a DAR. Which would you rather fight? A child abuse and/or domestic violence charge or a recording when you shouldn't?

Wealthatech · 2024-12-09T16:55:53+00:00

It’s probably been said before but alternating days may not actually be best for the children. How about a 3 weekend four weekday on an alternating weekly schedule. Depending on the kids ages it creates less disruption in their lives. Scheduled times to speak with the non custodial parent during the time away. When you leave it to the judge you don’t know what will happen except more billable hours.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2024-12-09T16:45:05+00:00

I want to be woken up every day with a blow job. But like Mic Jager says - you can’t always get what you want

The simple answer is that you don’t. That’s why you’re getting divorced. Hopefully her lawyer is reasonable

Training_Ad1368 · 2024-12-09T16:38:59+00:00

Let the judge decide, divorced women are freaking out because the law are giving men 50/50 custody more than ever.

notyourmama827 · 2024-12-09T16:32:33+00:00

Lawyer up in the beginning and protect YOUR rights as a father. Her "agreement" is of no consequence. Besides what if she "agrees" and then changes her mind?

Agreements basically should be rulings . Also if you have 50/50, nobody pays cs as you would both be supporting the kids.

Also, 100 percent you do not want "social services" in your state involved.

I know what subreddit I'm on ......don't shoot the messinger please and thank you.

Edit for spelling.

Mangrove43 · 2024-12-09T16:20:47+00:00

Never agreed to anything less than 50/50. It’ll be the beginning of the end for you and your relationship with your kids. You will be second class parent

AStirlingMacDonald · 2024-12-09T16:03:29+00:00

This is an area in which it’s absolutely worth spending the lawyer money if she digs her heels in. If you agree to her terms, even temporarily, that will be taken as tacit acceptance down the road.

JustAnotherBoomer · 2024-12-09T16:01:43+00:00

She doesn't want "consistency"; she wants control. I am sure you have experienced this "has to be my way" behavior before.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-12-09T15:57:50+00:00

First off SHE IS NOT THE ONE GRANTING YOU ANYTHING - its the COURT that makes the call if you cannot agree. And buddy I had the SAME thing told to me (m-f, i get weekends).

Secondly, you NEED an attorney. Sorry but with her asking for this, you're going to have to protect yourself, AND the kids, with representation.

What did you do to convince you wife that it’s what is best for the kids?

NOTHING you say/do is going to suddenly make her say "oh! you're right!" so dont even BOTHER. You're going to have to get a lawyer and very likely YOU will have to have them draft a custody plan with 50/50 time.

She keeps saying she wants consistency for them and I also do not want us to waste all this money on attorneys fighting it out in court, possibly to trial, and dragging this out, which is also not good for the kids.

Money will have to be spent. Its only wasted when the parent asking for more than 50% keeps fighting it out. And that would be her. Consistency can be achived with a 50/50 schedule. I'm on a 2-2-5-5 schedule: She has them every M/T, me every W/Th, and we alternated F-S-su.

I have told her I do not want child support even thou she makes a lot more money than me, just want to see the kids half the time.

GET THE SUPPORT. 1. its for the kids, not you, and 2. you are going to NEED it. Dont let current you screw over future you because you want to be nice to think NOT asking for CS would make her go with 50/50. Barring any insanity the court WILL give you 50/50.

How did you convince her?

I got a lawyer. I had her served to start the divorce. I PAID to have custody plan drafted and my attorney sent it to hers (she got a lawyer) and then we spent nearly a year back and forth on it.... and it ended up being 98% of what I initially put out there. It cost me 15k because she wasn't willing to move on anything and the judge, in a pretrial, basically said what I had was completely reasonable and IF it went to trial that is what it would be.

If you're worried about spending money know this: what you spend now will PALE in comparison to what you'll spend later trying to get 50/50 if you agree to anything else. You've got to think long term here, we're talking 15-20 years. TIME is the one thing we can NEVER make more of. You will NEVER get lost time back. 50/50 AT ALL COSTS or future you will regret it.

Any questions, ask away - I got advice on stuff that goes IN the plan as well (how to do swaps, holidays, right of first refusal, splitting costs, etc). Again it cost me 15k and I would love to help someone save some money.

Several-Eagle4141 · 2024-12-09T15:56:28+00:00

A GAL / Judge

Unusual_University14 · 2024-12-09T15:55:06+00:00

First, take a look at this and something like it: https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/research/dads-custody-time-by-state-appendix.php

Colloquially, I refer to this as "the deal"... it's the default custody arrangement in your state (counties may vary a little). If "the deal" in your state is 50-50, your job is easier. Almost everywhere they've come up with calculators and conventions so the courts don't waste time figuring out what is what, they simply plug in the numbers and that's what you do. You can spend all you want for a deviation, but unless you got a REALLY good reason (i.e. child abuse), you may be looking at burning money in a pile to still end up with "the deal".

Assuming you don't have a really good reason (and adultery, being a crappy wife, et al is not a good reason), then what you need is leverage. 99% of law is negotiation. You mention one bargaining chip... you don't want child support even though odds are you are entitled to it because that's "the deal". You can codify almost anything you want in a negotiated settlement, so if she'd like to keep the money and you want 50-50, then there you go.

You could TRY mediation. Usually you have to anyway but that outcome of mediation is typically not used in court. It's an attempt to get a settlement, so line up everything you are willing to give on and what you demand and give it a go. It can't hurt you, at worst its a waste of money (FAR less than lawyers), and depending on where you live it may be required.

You could also try to get creative on 50/50. Some households do week on / week off, 5/2/2/5, alternating 3/4 weeks... You could split the weeks in half and then alternate weekends... whatever.

It takes two parties to make a deal but only one to choose war. There is no "getting her to agree"... she has to be willing to deal. If she's not, then you have to decide if you're willing to accept "the deal" and/or how much you are willing to fight to try to get something better.

Flashy_Yam967 · 2024-12-09T15:52:15+00:00

How old are the kids, how close do you live to each other?

In the 1990's, my dad did the every other weekend, half the summer, half the holiday thing. 50/50 was not common then as it is now. Coparenting is much more a thing now than it was 30-40 years ago. If you live an hour or more away from each other, 50/50 is not practical because of school.

Lefaid · 2024-12-09T15:51:02+00:00

You don't. You drag it out until you get the best arrangement for the children you 2 share, 50-50.

No-Blackberry7887 · 2024-12-09T15:47:30+00:00

Nothing is good for your kids if you benefit?! You should take her for everything you can get. Wouldn't it have been better for the kids if she wasn't so sneaky and filed for divorce while going for MC and not being honest. Children also need a father in their life. Especially in your case where you were the primary. You're being manipulated.

Lukkychukky · 2024-12-09T15:47:07+00:00

First off... If she makes significantly more than you, take the child support. Divorce is hard, don't make it harder. Second, get a lawyer. File first. Start the process on your terms. DO NOT concede to anything you even think you might regret. And third, recognize the point where the fight needs to stop. Namely, don't bankrupt yourself. That does you and your kids no good.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-12-09T15:46:32+00:00

You tell her it ain’t going to happen. This is the hill to die on above all other. Children will suffer mentally for you not be around, trust me. She is snow jobbing you because she wants the child support; you say “hell no” and you will”not settle for anything less than 50/50”. You don’t need her next boyfriend raising your children, that that is exactly what she is trying to arrange.

superman_410 · 2024-12-09T15:45:29+00:00

I told mine i wouldnt settle for less than 50-50 and be ready to fight me in court, and if i lose so be it, we will constantly be reviewing/revisiting this issue until i get 50-50, it worked, she didnt even hire an attorney to fight me, she agreed to 50-50 and i have my kids sunday-wednesday every week

pmbrenner91 · 2024-12-09T15:44:48+00:00

i hired an attorney to play hard ball

Title	Wife wants M-F, I want 50/50. How to get her to agree?
Author	LionAR1999
Upvotes	30
Comments	90
Date	December 9, 2024 3:40 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hacifr/wife_wants_mf_i_want_5050_how_to_get_her_to_agree/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/wife-wants-m-f-i-want-5050-how-to-get-her-to-agree.1538025 https://theredarchive.com/post/1538025

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