Q4Women: You find out that your boyfriend treated his ex better than you. What do you do?

merlinscalculator · 2020-12-16T23:52:04+00:00

If I wanted him to do all of those things for me - paying for my things, being romantic, taking me on holiday - I would want them regardless of how he treated his ex or any other woman. I wouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t treat me the way I want to be treated. I don’t care what he did or how much he did for other girlfriends in the past. If he never bought anything for his ex but buys me a cheeseburger from McDonald’s and expects me to be happy with it because it’s the most money he’s spent on a woman, I wouldn’t be because I expect more.

I live for myself. My needs and expectations stem from myself. Not from some neurotic obsession with what other people have gotten. Your standards in a relationship should not change based on the way your partner has treated their previous partners. It should stay the exact same regardless of what they’ve done in the past. Your standards are there to satisfy your needs, not your ego.

Atlas__B__Shruggin · 2020-12-16T22:43:41+00:00

ill never understand this Q. if a guy doesn't treat me the way i want/need to be treated id rather be alone, i wouldn't BE with him at all. i cant imagine what he could have done with an ex that would be "better" than how he treats me because if he hadn't been doing the things i wanted and needed from him wouldn't have been with him in the 1st place.

I'm not "entitled" to anything, i want what i want from a man and if i dont get it I'm not with him. could someone un-teach internet people the word "entitlement"

LittyKitsune · 2020-12-16T23:41:52+00:00

Let's say you have a boyfriend and your relationship with him is fine.

Okay

You snoop through his social media, and you find out pictures of him with his ex on vacation in Paris with the sappiest romantic caption you can imagine.

Good thing I've already gone multiple times and think it's severely overrated compared to other destinations.

When you ask him about it, he tells you about how expensive and boring that stupid trip was, and how much he regrets the time and money he spent on his ex.

I believe it. See above.

Then he tells you how she used to live in his house rent free, how he helped pay her student loans, gifts he made, interesting dates they went to, flowers he bought, poems he wrote, all on his dime.

So he realized that cohabitation isn't compatible with our faith and changed. Good.

He tells you he loves you, sees LTR potential in you, and wants an equal partner, not a sex toy.

I see nothing wrong here.

He does none of the things stated above, or does considerably less of them. He's damn well not paying anyone's tuition anytime soon. Sappy facebook posts are gone as well.

Yeah yeah yeah. Does he know that my favorite gifts in the world are notebooks and stuffed animals? Does he know that my favorite date spot is literally no destination, let's just see where we end up? Does he know that if he writes a poem for me it'll just trigger my editor brain and I'll feel guilty about that? That I think flowers are absolutely useless until they're crunchy and dead?

That is what I care about, and what I act on. Not some ghost ex. Goodness fuck can y'all just learn to have your own original preferences independent of exes? Stop looking to the past for permission to want things.

SmurfESmurferson · 2020-12-16T22:33:03+00:00

If he’s treating me so badly that I’m go snooping on his social media, then the relationship is doomed to begin with

I assume every guy I’ve dated has treated his ex’s well, and is treating his current girl (or girls) well. Should my ex-h’s new gf be jealous that he bought me a diamond ring? She really shouldn’t be - if they last, I’m sure she’ll get a bigger one

2020-12-16T23:15:59+00:00

Did he treat her like this because she was a demanding harpy? Maybe he understood that he was used, that she treated him like a doormat. He learned his lesson, escaped toxic relationship and now is in a new, healthy one. Nothing wrong with his behaviour. Good for him.

It's the same when a woman is in a toxic relationship with an asshole, who screams at her and abuses her, and she becomes a doormat. He forces her to serve him and pushes her to do sexual acts that she doesn't want to do. When she finally escapes she learns how to have healthy boundries and doesn't act like a doormat anymore. Nothing wrong with that, it's actually good for her.

philomexa · 2020-12-17T00:45:59+00:00

I'd be relieved he's no longer a fucking simp that wastes money on a woman.

Why are money and lame tropes from mid 2000's romcoms always the equivalent in these stupid gotcha attempts?

NarniaFox · 2020-12-17T02:17:18+00:00

We get this leading question almost every month, it gets old and boring. Sex is sex, if you worry about it, you should ask about it.

2020-12-16T23:31:18+00:00

I would do nothing. My boyfriend was married once and he bought her a house. They had kids. I get none of that, and I do not care because I am not after that. All I want is him.

Hallowbin-Skin3329 · 2020-12-16T23:04:33+00:00

That sounds like you are trying to compare it to a specific something. Which is ridiculous as I could easily do it myself without cheating so I don’t think it’s the best comparison.

if you can’t get something from one partner you think is important to the relationship why are you staying with the partner? If it’s not important because it’s important to the relationship but because they did it with someone else it’s unreasonable

Edit: actually read the scenario have never been in that situation, I’m not sure how healthy that even is if he is equating me with the ex, that specifically sounds like a reason to break up

BluntVanBitter · 2020-12-17T03:06:08+00:00

Let me turn the question around.

Why did you make this question about money spent rather than a sexual thing? That is obviously the comparison you are trying to make.

If you had made this about finding out that he used to go down on his ex all the time but now he won't do it for me, I probably would have been able to give you an answer closer to what you are looking for.

Bitch, I can go to Paris anytime (outside covid), but I can't go down on myself can I?

Sufficient-Ad-3586 · 2020-12-16T22:37:06+00:00

I’m assuming this is the reverse of girls being kinkier and more sexual with their ex than their current partner.

You should treat each new partner better than the last, that’s how you grow. If you are treating newer partners less than previous ones then there is a problem there.

GridReXX · 2020-12-16T22:38:01+00:00

When you ask him about it, he tells you about how expensive and boring that stupid trip was, and how much he regrets the time and money he spent on his ex.

We aren't aligned. I enjoy traveling within my city and to other places. If that's something I enjoy and that he finds "stupid and boring," he and I wouldn't have gotten far enough for me to be "in love."

Also, travel doesn't have to be expensive. I went on a date with a guy who spent $5K (that's cool but it's funny to me when ppl spend loads of money on one thing and judge others for their things) on a TV (the TV he already had was like 2 years old and state of the art) but thought a $400 trip was stupid. We didn't make it past a couple of dates because the more he spoke, the more I realized we were not compatible.

This "gotcha" doesn't work for me, because unlike the men on this sub, a lot of women on this sub have no issue "nexting" people who don't grant them 'peace of mind' whatever that means to them.

Sage_Planter · 2020-12-16T22:48:04+00:00

Is this the alternate plot of every "my girlfriend used to do anal with her ex boyfriend, but she won't do it with me" reddit post?

Jokes aside, this story makes the man sound bitter about his past experiences with his ex. Based on what you've written, it seems like he doesn't want to do these things because his ex hurt him. I'm not looking for a man who takes me on whirlwind trips to Paris, but I have zero interest in a man who holds me liable for another woman's crimes. It sounds like he's saying "I don't want to do nice things for you because someone else took advantage of me in the past."

SaBahRub · 2020-12-16T22:45:25+00:00

Sounds fine to me. If I’m happy, I’m happy

I’m dating him now, not who he used to be

thelajestic · 2020-12-16T22:37:31+00:00

I'd feel pleased he was out of that situation. I don't think any of that means he was treating her "better". Just differently. None of it is what I look for in a relationship and I'd be glad he was no longer with someone he felt he needed to do all that to keep them.

Sappy romantic captions on social media are fucking cringy, so I might think a bit less of him for doing that but if he no longer did would write it off as him being younger and silly. Paying someone's tuition and letting them live rent free is IMO letting them take you for a mug so I'd be glad he'd wised up in that respect.

gifts he made, interesting dates they went to, flowers he bought, poems he wrote, all on his dime.

This really depends on context. I don't want or need any of that in a relationship. If none of that was stuff he was into and he now felt he no longer was forced to do stuff he didn't want, I'd be glad. I would still want interesting dates (not on his dime, and ones we both agree on). Obviously if we can't agree on what's interesting and what we both want to do then that would be a problem.

Mimoxs · 2020-12-17T01:38:50+00:00

Why do men continue to act like

live in his house rent free, how he helped pay her student loans, gifts he made, interesting dates they went to, flowers he bought, poems he wrote, all on his dime.

Is even remotely equivalent to the idea that some girl doesn't give you as many blowjobs as some other dude

Give me an analogy that is actually comparable and I can answer then.

RandomUsernameSkrrrt · 2020-12-17T00:37:53+00:00

I'd expect him to give no more than what he perceived fit for my value to him, and if that didn't match what I value for myself, I'd move on. This is a simple assessment everyone should make in any relationship: regardless of who they used to be, or who they intend to be, are they fulfilling the subjective standards of treatment you want for yourself right now? This could be as little as them not telling you "shut the fuck up, cunt" when they're playing video games, or as much as them taking you on extravagant trips while referring to you exclusively as 'Goddess Divine.' Whatever it is, it is your standard, and you should hold to it. It is futile to attempt to change someone's effort-level: if they wanted to, they would. It is also not constructive to hold it against them, because they're simply living by their subjective preferences, as you are. There doesn't need to be drama or hurt. A mature acknowledgement of incompatibility and amicable split is all that's required.

Willow-girl · 2020-12-17T13:21:12+00:00

I think many young men foolishly simp for a girl who really isn't that into him; in fact it would probably be hard to find one who hasn't! So that's probably not something you should hold against a guy.

I expect my partner to be ... well, a partner. I expect a good-faith effort from him, but I don't expect to sit on my arse while he caters to my every whim. I'm not going to say a guy isn't "making an effort" because he's not taking me to Paris or peeling my grapes!

relish5k · 2020-12-17T01:53:23+00:00

It depends on the reason why this guy is treating his new lady differently.

Maybe he felt that his ex-girlfriend needed all of that stuff, and was afraid that if he didn't do it she would leave him. Now he is more confident with himself and doesn't need to worry about all these bells and whistles to keep someone from leaving. And in that case, it's a good thing he's not doing this stuff anymore because he never really liked it in the first place.

Or maybe his lifestyle has just changed. He would rather go camping for a weekend than on expensive vacations. He is putting more money into his 401k or investing in a business. Regardless, his life today is in a different place than it was before and that's fine.

Or maybe he felt used and abused by his ex, and he is bitter and still thinking about her, and is withholding these things specifically to spite women. In which case I would say, run, since he is clearly not over his ex.

PlanetSquare · 2020-12-17T02:36:39+00:00

As long as they treat me well, what good is in comparing with what someone else got? It might have looked like they got the better deal on the surface, but obviously it wasn't a very happy relationship if there was cheating and abuse.

People grow and change. Maybe before they used to be really insecure and thought that the only way to get someone to like them was draining their bank account for them, and now they have higher standards for how they should be treated in a relationship, which is a good thing.

" He tells you he loves you, sees LTR potential in you, and wants an equal partner, not a sex toy."

I think that this is a little bit of a red flag though. I think it's kind of weird how some people are able to compartmentalize people into either the "LTR" category or the "Sex toy" category, like they have some weird sort of Madonna-Whore complex. I might think of them differently if I knew that they do see some human beings as sex-toys and have seen their exes that way. Likely they didn't tell them to their face that it was how they truly saw them, so who's to say they aren't lying to me as well.

DXBrigade · 2020-12-17T14:30:18+00:00

I don't compare myself to his ex. I also think it's ok to treat your new bf/gf differentely for whatever reason.

Rook_Cross · 2020-12-17T19:31:16+00:00

So this is obviously a try at a "gotcha", of how men complain women who used to give it away quicker and do more degrading sex acts, now won't, are being unreasonable and even hypocritical, if they want the perks an ex-girlfriend had in such a scenario. This actually illustrates why these men's thinking is so screwed up. because while there are many women who'd reason they should get the same treatment, a reasonable man or woman would say how ridiculous this guy was acting and that no woman should expect that. It's not just like buying her stuff, but buying her stuff you cannot afford (degrading sex acts you don't really want to do) and being pressured into it lest you lose her. Men aren't bags of money, women shouldn't expect them to be. Men shouldn't buy women with money, women shouldn't keep men around with degrading sex they don't want to have. If you're partner expects these they are abusive trash. If the next partner does they too are abusive trash. I'd hope either man or woman doing this would learn from past mistakes and change their behaviors. if you're next partner finds out and is mad they don't get a free lunch then dump them. And seriously, how many men take their girlfriends on expensive vacations and pay off tuition? Versus how many women play out degrading porn fantasies? The pool of women compromising themselves is much greater I can guarantee it. No Gotcha here.

2020-12-16T22:53:02+00:00

You leave. I had this scenario to a lesser extent and I dumped him lol. IDGAF about any man's sad ex sob story, if you treated someone previous like a wife and you don't do the same for me, NEXT!

That idiot texts me once every 1-2 months even though I moved 1000 miles away lmao

sublimemongrel · 2020-12-17T01:54:32+00:00

I’ve done this post before:

https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/597b7q/discussion_applying_trp_men_are_unattracted/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

I personally think context matters and it would likely be a case by case basis. Ie it would be less about the way he treated others and more about how he treats me, but that being said I’d have a limit where I’d be like wtf

Romantic_Asexual · 2020-12-17T05:20:13+00:00

Well my first question would be why did he keep those pictures? People don't usually keep pictures of them with their ex up on social media after they break up.

Tugallois · 2020-12-17T07:12:29+00:00

You snoop through his social media, and you find out pictures of him with his ex on vacation in Paris with the sappiest romantic caption you can imagine.

Haha, this would make me incredibly sad but only because we have joked about getting engaged in Paris our entire relationship.

When you ask him about it, he tells you about how expensive and boring that stupid trip was, and how much he regrets the time and money he spent on his ex.

This would be a problem because I love travelling and calling that kind of memory a "stupid trip" wouldn't sit well with me.

My boyfriend's ex did cheat on him. 🤷🏻‍♀️ He is still very sappy and loving with me and looking forward to many trips. I don't know the specifics of what he did with his ex and I don't care to know, since I am satisfied with his level of personal and financial investment. If he didn't make me feel loved, I wouldn't be with him.

ameadowinthemist · 2020-12-17T07:51:54+00:00

I’d feel pretty good and understand why he wanted an adult partner because I paid an ex boyfriend’s bills before and it was shitty and made me resent him.

Zonkey_Zeedonk · 2020-12-17T12:59:52+00:00

I’ve never been in this situation. I have been in the opposite situation where I found out someone I’m with treated girls before me badly, and that’s been difficult in a different way. In these situations I’ve had a conversation about it and if the answers are what I want them to be: that he was younger and learned from it and feels bad for treating his ex that way then I move on from it.

If I was unhappy with the way I was being treated in a relationship and found out an ex had a better experience, the issue wouldn’t be that she was treated better, it would be that I didn’t like how I was being treated, so I’d leave him. If you’re jealous of what someone else is getting, it’s probably because there’s some way in which you’re lacking something or unhappy. Knowing he’s not like that with everyone is even more telling, because it means he probably doesn’t like me that much.

I also don’t think being treated well is about sappy internet posts and fancy vacations, but I’ll substitute what I consider “good treatment” for that stuff as I consider.

Bildungsfetisch · 2020-12-17T14:17:00+00:00

His ex might have financially abused him. That doesn't mean that any next woman is entitled to do the same to him. wtf?

That put aside, what efforts you expect from your partner should be determined by your own personal needs and desires, not what others previously have asked from that partner. What you give and what you take should be balanced and if you really love your partner you shouldn't ask them to give more than they can healthily give. In a loving relationship both parties are entitled to each other's investment but within healthy boundaries. Where these boundaries lie can differ between relationships but generally should both parties still keep a certain degree of autonomy.

2020-12-17T14:18:19+00:00

I really hope this isn't a gotcha... because if one would feel some type of way about this, it reveals a mindset that really is unfit for a relationship.

Don't be in a relationship if you can't trust your partner and have good communication. Simple.

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smallrockwoodvessel · 2020-12-17T01:21:38+00:00

We're dating so clearly we're compatible, I would assume he has his reasons if he doesn't like those things anymore, and move on.

FlavFal · 2020-12-17T03:33:37+00:00

What ex?

spacechicken1990 · 2020-12-17T06:01:27+00:00

Don’t care. If It was a sexual thing it’d be a dealbreaker, like say he used to get pegged by his ex but won’t let me tap that arse then we’re sexually incompatible.

But at the end of the day if he’s not giving me what I want it doesn’t matter what he did or didn’t do with others. Unhappy is unhappy.

Mrs_Drgree · 2020-12-17T16:32:35+00:00

[removed]

Reisiluu · 2020-12-17T21:57:16+00:00

You snoop through his social media, and you find out pictures of him with his ex on vacation in Paris with the sappiest romantic caption you can imagine.

When you ask him about it, he tells you about how expensive and boring that stupid trip was, and how much he regrets the time and money he spent on his ex.

So he is a liar and a manipulator? Either he lied to his ex about liking those things back then, or he is lying to me. It's a red flag either way.

The usual case of "she won't have anal with me but she has tried it" doesn't involve the woman praising anal sex on social media so your belief that she liked it before is based on your own insecurity.

I don't care what he did with other women if I'm getting what I want. He paid for her fake nails, hair extensions and nose job? Great. I don't want any of those things. He bough her a house and a car in her name without being married? Then he is stupid and a liability.

shedragoness · 2020-12-17T22:03:17+00:00

I wouldn't bother with a man like that.

superlurkage · 2020-12-17T22:51:58+00:00

i would be happy he wasn't unhappy anymore.

im not poor nor am i looking for a handout. if i wanted to date a singing wallet, i would have dated a singing wallet

rubbooyuri · 2020-12-18T05:24:14+00:00

Nothing? What do I care, unless these relationships gave him mental issues? Demanding “compensation” would be pretty crass and selfish

neetykeeno · 2020-12-18T20:55:12+00:00

Well...I would almost certainly become very blunt and not in the least bit pandering to his male sensibilities about some economic realities concerning my own time and resources. This wouldn't be because he had done all that for someone else before...it would be because it is clear he has not been seeing the relationship as a slow build like I have, but rather as a binary thing... yes/no...and we ain't at yes yet.

He invites me to his work's Xmas dinner and the cover charge is $40? Sorry dude, not going dutch on that one just to be shown off and help keep you entertained, I'll stay home. He keeps inviting himself round on Friday and just eating my food? This Friday there is no easily consumed food in the house and I have already eaten and I have ZERO problem with this...he can call out for food. He goes to open a bottle of my wine? NO. I am saving that. Etc.

I would also 100% act financially with long terms plans as if this relationship is never going to be an LTR. I might, for example, buy a house of my own instead of just invest my money to stay liquid in case the relationship progresses. Spend time renovating that house even if it means time away from him unless he comes round and helps. Take a weekend job to work to pay down my own student debt... sorry dude, I'm working split shifts all weekend, that's just the way it is, I owe it to myself. Oh and I'm doing evening classes on Thursdays so Thursdays is out.

Pretty much if he's OK with all this I know he's at least not a hypocrite and he's not trying to get me to close that "distance" all on my own effort and resources with zero effort and resources from him.

pleasantldar · 2020-12-22T00:10:34+00:00

I don't care for the expensive gifts or poems either way, but I do care about the level of commitment. If someone has been burned so badly that they are holding back with me, it tells me they aren't quite ready to trust again. Plus the unfairness of it would sting, like I'm being punished for another woman's deeds. That is hardly true commitment. That would be really sad and disappointing to find out. It would probably end. A relationship might feel "fine", yet be doomed for failure anyway because one or both parties are not absolutely sure about each other and are just staying put for the comfort and complacency.

Mkg102216 · 2020-12-23T10:45:42+00:00

If he was hurt by someone in the past who he did all that for then I would understand why he wouldn't want to do that again for risk of being taken advantage of. I just care that he's healed from that experience and he has room in his heart after the heartache to love me. He already puts effort into the relationship and I wouldn't ask him to do anything he doesn't want to.

Anunemouse · 2020-12-23T19:14:20+00:00

If you've snooped, you lost. The end.

Title	Q4Women: You find out that your boyfriend treated his ex better than you. What do you do?
Author	Ok_Swim_2691
Upvotes	39
Comments	257
Date	December 16, 2020 10:20 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/kejgpd/q4women_you_find_out_that_your_boyfriend_treated/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4women-you-find-out-that-your-boyfriend-treated.735993 https://theredarchive.com/post/735993

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