How to spot a cheating man

EDIT/UPDATE:

I read some of your responses with tears. Thank you to everyone who said something encouraging! I tried to answer some questions and hope I didn't miss any. I am not able to respond very fast; I still feel some emotional hangover just from sharing what I wrote. I initially made this as a one-and-done throwaway, but now I will keep this account active and hopefully share some more in the future, since some of your responses really got me thinking. I am truly grateful that this space exists. I still received some harassment (which I blocked), but I know the mods / automod filter out a lot more, and that level of safety was what encouraged me to speak up. Thank you!!

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(TW for self harm and abuse.)

I am a FDS member/poster. I made an alt to tell my story as a former sugar baby. I understand this might not go through because sex work is fundamentally anti-FDS. I am now anti-sex work and I hope this post has value here.

I won't go into childhood details, but I suffered from abuse and poverty from a very young age, so everything about luxury and having a sugar daddy appealed to me. I was also raised very patriarchal, and was told since birth that certain things were only achievable via a man, even if I was deeply ambitious when young. My own family tried to "match" me at age 15 with an adult family friend they felt was wealthy. Thanks to FDS, I now realize I was groomed and it was statutory rape. It was a major breakthrough when I told my therapist for the first time two weeks ago, and what sparked my motivation to write this post.

There was no clear "beginning" to my sw journey. I have always slept around casually. I also have always had rough/kinky sex. I was exposed to porn at a very young age. Eventually I happened into sleeping with richer men. But I became successful as a SB after I unknowingly implemented very strict FDS-like ground rules and demanded more. The irony was, after I started earning more, I got banned from several sex work/sugar baby forums. People thought I was lying about my standards and earnings. Even in the sw community, you had to be a deferential pickme to be accepted. Any high standards must be a lie. I was unknowingly lifting myself out of the sw fog, becoming more outspoken, and I was alienated.

I eventually managed to make a lot of money (bought my family a house). I had strict requirements that men provide verification of their identities (passport / work profile), and ability to provide. At my peak (financial peak and self-delusion peak), I abandoned my own career to do it full time, and even considered outsourcing the admin side of vetting + marketing myself like a product, to maximize earnings.

This was also a time when my self esteem was so chipped that I only knew one avenue of building it up: male validation and monetary reward.

Looking back now, even if money was there, everything else was bad. I traveled all the time. I was burned out. I still experienced FREQUENT sexual assault and rape without recourse, which I treated as "occupational hazard." I suffered emotional damage, extreme guilt and shame, loss of sense of self, loss of friendship, loss of sense of value regarding money and life. I spiraled to a point of being constantly suicidal. I was a shell. I drank a lot.

Finally, the most prominent of all: despite what I was telling everyone in my circle, I never could fully feel pride about my "work." I had a nagging sense that I was meant for something else, something not this, except who knows what though. It was like the part of myself I locked away was knocking from its cage. So I became more and more split psychologically. I dissociated a lot, where I literally floated up to the ceiling and "saw" my body going through the motions, even if it's not sexual and just a dinner at a nice restaurant. I was potentially losing my mind. I often imagined ending my life during a dissociated phase so I wouldn't "feel' it.

Yet, I continued to justify that all that was just normal work stress, because "sex work is work." My feelings must be wrong. I must have internalized slutshaming. This is the danger of that kind of rhetoric. Even if I entered it voluntarily as an adult, seemingly benefitted financially, I gaslighted myself about leaving and delayed it for far too long. My pickme self felt I was not like the others who were traumatized, and I was fine. In reality, I was in danger mentally and physically. I still feel this eerie brush with death when I try to imagine if I had never left.

I still have a very small circle of friends in the lifestyle and I make a point of talking to them about leaving whenever possible. I don't know if some of them will ever leave, though. I have to rebuild my social life as well.

Welp, that got long. I originally wanted to share some cheating red flags here, since many of my sugar daddies were married. I hope these help confirm everything FDS already says in the handbook. So here it is:

• Social media
  • Either no social media, or social media has very few wife-focused posts.
  • Takeaway: Your fears when he is not posting you prominently are not unfounded. No social media is not automatically green flag.
• Phone lock
  • All had locked phones. Some had two phones. Many often were able to keep up intensive texting with me even if they could not physically meet.
  • Takeaway: Heed your fears if he is glued to his phone in a secretive manner. Moving forward, I will never trust a man if he does not release his phone codes to me. Also the multiple phones were all "unintentional," as in, he "lost" his phone and had to get a new one, then "found" his old phone, so just kinda "wound up" having two phones, and if you tried to ask he would gaslight you about "overthinking."
• Business trips
  • Lots of travel. They took me along. Some even lovingly checked in with their wives/kids daily.
  • Takeaway: I am not sure. Not all who travel cheat. But business travels and conferences are a very easy way to maintain affairs.
• Cash withdrawals / Business expense accounts
  • And I mean large (over 10K) cash withdrawals. Or he puts expenses on his business cards and explains them as taking a client out.
• Turbulent at home
  • "Mandatory" family vacations such as birthdays, holidays, were often windows of fighting with the spouse, due to their resentment and guilt. The men also never planned stuff. They treated showing up as a gift to their families. And then they excused everything by attributing it to "holiday stress." I received calls from exotic vacation locations needing a listening ear (me). They told wives those were "business calls."
  • Takeaway: The common FDS red flags apply- low effort and bad attitude. The "holiday stress" is simply a myth and excuse to justify abusive behavior at major family occasions.
• Couples therapy
  • Yup. Useless. They come to meet me after a couple's therapy session. Or, they go into detail to tell me what transpired.
• Other addictions (alcohol / work / gambling)
  • Self explanatory
• Often cluster B types
• Gaslighting / accusations of wife being too sensitive, too controlling, too XY
• Has an unhealthy relationship to money
  • Uses it to buy sense of power, love, women, patch feelings of inadequacies
  • Takeaway: vet by having clear discussions about money. This includes their trauma, expectations, histories, etc.
• Family man image + powerful man image
  • The best way to describe this is perhaps the madonna/whore comparison. Some men genuinely believe being a man means keeping a good family/wife on the outside and a mistress on the side. They will give up neither.
  • Takeaway: Vet for misogyny and leave.
• Emotional hoover / vampire
  • They had an impressive ability to cry and appeal to wife's sympathies when found out. Many were "forgiven" and go right back to it. Or they 'take a break' and ghost me, then come back months later.
  • Takeaway: If you sniff a cheater out, you must leave.
• There is no one type of "cheated wife"
  • Some were beautiful stay-at-homes, some were in high powered careers such as elite surgeon or high-earning entrepreneur, some were overly codependent "will maintain the family at all cost," some are checked out and close one eye
  • Takeaway: A man who wants to abuse you will abuse you, it's not you.
• If he wanted to, he would
  • The bumbling idiot man who is clueless about how to organize a simple family outing could turn around and get elaborate gifts, efforts, and attention for someone else.
• If a man wants to cheat, he will. You cannot plug every leak. You cannot follow him everywhere. He could be going out for a run, he could be going on a business trip to earn money for you and the family. He could be sweet to you, or mean to you. He could frequent strip clubs, or never ever set foot in one. He WILL stay married to you to protect HIS financial interests. The only way to protect yourself is be clear with yourself on what behavior you will accept, what you won't, and have a clear backdoor for yourself to walk away. Always retain full transparency on all your joint accounts. Always have control of your finances. Always seek a divorce and pursue maximum damages and alimony.

That's all I can think of for now. I don't know if a healthy relationship with an age-appropriate man will ever happen for me. I have tried to date normally since my exit, but found that I struggle to vet as strictly as I did when I was a sugar baby. I have stopped dating. I do know I am now a radfem working on spending a life with myself if a man doesn't happen. I genuinely believe men, as a whole, abuse women, and we cannot categorically escape it, and must always watch our own backs. I am working up the courage to become more outspoken against sex work, and hopefully help younger girls out of the trap I fell in myself.

It's been 1 year since I last had a drink, and 1.5 years since I broke up with my last SD. My wish for 2021 is to rebuild my career and friendships. I start to feel low when I think of the last 5 years of a black hole, and how to explain that. I am working up the strength. When I was a young girl, I wanted to be a lawyer. I don't know if I have the gumption to follow through, but I can fantasize. I also have a couple of other fields I have interest in. I only need my self worth to catch up and open my eyes that I can achieve my dreams.

I wish you all a happy 2021.