If men and women can just be friends, Then why do a lot of women stop talking to their male counterpart once they are in a relationship?

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-04-08T04:03:12+00:00

Happens to a lot of people, honestly. Men also stop talking to their male friends, and any female friends that they might have, for various reasons.

they want to show that they're invested in their partner and not likely to cheat
it is necessary in the beginning stages of a relationship to make their partners feel important/like the priority
they found what they were looking for so they have no more need for opposite sex friends to fulfill that need anymore

I'd say the middle point is the key point though. Making a partner feel like they're the priority in a new relationship is crucial for that relationship to last, it seems.

IcarusKiki · 2021-04-08T04:19:27+00:00

This isn’t always gender specific. People can start to neglect all friendships when they get into a relationship. Plus the bf can be insecure and they may want to stop the friendship out of respect for him.

geyejoe7 · 2021-04-08T08:24:06+00:00

You just get busy.happens with guys too. They drop their friends when they enter a relationship.

thetruthishere_ · 2021-04-08T04:08:10+00:00

Some people vanish on both sides when they are dating someone. Ive had friends do this. Ive seen both men and women doing it.

My couple male friends I dont talk to or hang out with like my gal pals. But when we see each other and talk, we talk about anything and everything. Edit: So I just dont 'vanish'.

Anyone I would date would know they exist and meet them. One Ive met several of his girlfriends over the years. I talk to a couple of the old Gfs still. We were always cool with each other.

WilliamWyattD · 2021-04-08T04:33:36+00:00

Your problem is that you are presenting a false binary: men and women can be friends just like same-sex friends, or they cannot be friends.

But the truth is naturally a lot more complex. Opposite-gender, heterosexual friendships are almost never the same as same sex friendships because of the possibility of sexual entanglement. And the damage that entanglement could do tends to increase later in life as one's primary monogamous relationship becomes more important. There's also less time for friendships as you get older when family and work demand more, etc.

And finally, not all friendships are the same: there are levels to this.

So yeah, you don't see a lot of married 40-year old women with a male best friend they go to the movies with or go out drinking on Friday nights. Most husbands, and usually rightfully, would freak the fuck out. This is just natural. Even couples friends tend to be about the man interacting with the man, the woman with the woman, or the couples together: you don't see that much cross gender, 1 on 1 interactions. Again, just natural.

But sure, context is king. There are exceptions. A woman or man might have an old opposite gender friend that they see occasionally. Not usually a bestie. Probably see him in a group most of the time, etc.

ImaniX_ · 2021-04-08T04:20:24+00:00

Men do this too, more often than women. Also a lot of men will say you can’t have male friends 😂

PreparationWorried33 · 2021-04-08T04:04:31+00:00

Sometimes their partner is uncomfortable with it even if they aren’t. Also a lot of people just generally don’t hang out with their friends as much during the honey moonphase. If your friendship wasn’t strong it’s not going to last through this period of reduced contact.

Motherofvampires · 2021-04-08T10:33:49+00:00

Men usually drop their female friends once they have a girlfriend.

WestsideMoonWalker · 2021-04-08T03:59:13+00:00

Because some people are shitty friends. Some people disappear off the face of the earth when they have a partner just because they are that way. Even some of my longtime friends are bad about that. I won't care about them any less, but friendships also change over time.

A lot of friendships are friendships of convenience, and I'd imagine male/female friendships are like that pretty frequently. That doesn't necessarily make them worse, but that does make them less suited for certain types of connections.

mjhrobson · 2021-04-08T09:00:31+00:00

It is perfectly normal to have male and female friendships, but friendships do also end. They end all the time and for all sorts of reasons. But in the context of a friendship between and man and woman a common reason for it to end is sexual jealousy and insecurity coming from the new partner.

Which makes a certain amount of sense as men are aware that they (and other men) would often, not always but often enough, all too happily get into a FWB relationship with a female friend.

I have discussed this topic with many of my female friends (and they are my friends) and we all acknowledge that a man is very easily convinced (obviously not always) to do the fwb thing. More easily (again obviously not always) than the women...

Jealousy isn't an issue. Because I met my SO through a close female friendship circle (which is why these are good to maintain, girls can be good in with other girls) and one of those friends in turn ended up marrying my SO's brother, through her and me, so she in effect is now kind of my sister-in-law.

Another close friend of mine from university and I ended up working at the same place. So that friendship has been easy to maintain.

_pineapplylemon · 2021-04-08T12:23:02+00:00

Not only is it totally normal to drift from friends when you get with someone, but you might want to distance from opposite-sex friends to make your partner comfortable. Neither my partner nor I are ok with opposite-sex friends.

GridReXX · 2021-04-08T14:35:15+00:00

Imma be honest. Men do this more IME. Just observing my parents — my mom has to force my dad to check in on his friends and hang out with them.

My dad sometimes thinks bonds magically stay there and my mom has to remind him that they are nurtured. Meaning my dad can’t be mad he wasn’t invited to such and such’s 60th if he literally never calls the man back when he reaches out lol.

Men get super comfortable in relationships. Maybe all they need is a woman and no friends. Who knows.

SaBahRub · 2021-04-08T15:14:06+00:00

They do that to everyone, not just men. And lots of people get possessive of their partner, regardless of gender or orientation.

”Why is my partner/my partner doesn’t like me looking at social media of/talking to/remaining close friends with X of the opposite gender”

is probably the single most common complaint/question on relationship subs. It’s so tedious

superlurkage · 2021-04-08T18:36:04+00:00

In my experience, it’s the reverse. Get a bf; watch your male friends disappear

Also, jealous/suspicious partners of both genders exist.

Turbo_superbike · 2021-04-08T06:45:29+00:00

male femake friendships other than very rare cases tend to be shaky

RunsWlthScissors · 2021-04-08T07:02:30+00:00

Yes. Some of my female friends are like that and isolate themselves. Others stay the exact same. Everyone is different and reacts differently.

Important thing is to remember this shit isn’t about you. People just behave differently in various situations. Most of the isolationists shoot me a text whenever they break up or are unhappy and wanna get back in the social circle and that’s cool too. It really shouldn’t affect you either way, this isn’t a personal thing.

luckecage · 2021-04-08T10:39:55+00:00

Because the boyfriend want them to stop contact with there male friends.

little_jimmy_jackson · 2021-04-08T10:43:16+00:00

They think the new boyfriend won't tolerate it

Shadowgirl7 · 2021-04-08T12:45:10+00:00

In my opinion, you can't be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for, unless you have a thing for being a doormat and ear about the other person love stories while secretly expecting someday they'll like you (wew).

But if you don't have any romantic feelings, you can just treat male friends as you'd treat female friends. Most my friends are male and I have no romantic feelings for them. If I ever have a boyfriend and he wants to hangout with us, he's more than free to do so. Also I mostly hangout with them in group, not often one-on-one so I feel even if I had a relationship I could continue to do it. It's just that I'd probably have less time because I have a job and other stuff to do. My life isn't just hanging out with people.

Jakes1967 · 2021-04-08T05:58:59+00:00

If men and women can just be friends, Then why do a lot of women stop talking to their male counterpart once they are in a relationship?

Because they were the backup plan.

yuckyuck13 · 2021-04-08T11:20:03+00:00

Because they no longer need male validation from others.

Derman0524 · 2021-04-08T12:30:57+00:00

This is not true. I remained close friends with the 2 girls in my group when they were in relationships. Nothing changed from when they were with someone or not. Maybe the frequency of hanging out changed but that’s the same with my guy friends too

Mustbeaight · 2021-04-08T12:35:15+00:00

Not gender specific.. I seen one my guys cut me off because he cuffed a girl.. he was talking all that “we don’t love these heaux bla-bla-bla” and Bruh found a girl and he was outta here lol. She literally took him lol

smasher187 · 2021-04-08T13:13:07+00:00

Doesn't happen to me, I have lots of female friends.

Mimoxs · 2021-04-08T13:53:08+00:00

Sometimes new boyfriend doesn't like her having male friends. 2 of my past bfs wanted to make me stop talking to my male friends. Makes them insecure.

hopemoom · 2021-04-08T13:57:16+00:00

There aren't many activities straight men and women can do purely for fun together. How many men enjoy hanging out with female friends to go shopping for clothes? I guess I could ask male friends if I look good in some dress before buying it to wear to my first date but would any straight male friend like to see that? The straight women I know who has platonic male friends are usually heavy drinkers who enjoys going to bars with the guys. I'm sure some of the guys like her though.

LillthOfBabylon · 2021-04-08T14:10:44+00:00

One guy friend also stopped talking to me when got into a relationship because he HAD a crazy jealous girlfriend.

alberto-hoff · 2021-04-08T14:45:04+00:00

It depends on the type of person and the sort of social circles and family they have.

My sister only has female friends and her partner only has male friends. They have acquaintances of the other gender but that's it. Likewise my mum and dad are like this. They find it really odd that I have male friends who occasionally crash put on my sofa and my Bf Doesn't get pissy.

I've always had mixed gendered friends and it's not uncommon for me to ring them for an hour's chat or go to the pub with them.likewise my exes have always had mixed gendered friends. I find it strange (and actually a bit iffy) if they don't.

And some people almost drop all their friends entirely when they meet their partner. But I guess they were never proper friends in the first place.

FIVE_6_MAFIA · 2021-04-08T15:44:43+00:00

A lot of my male friends do the same once they get into a relationship.

mte87 · 2021-04-08T15:47:08+00:00

My coworker and I have a platonic friendship. He has a girlfriend who made him stop talking to his female friends and a lot of guy friends. She probably has no idea about me or any of his other female friends.

-WolfieMcq · 2021-04-08T16:35:52+00:00

Some women are pressured to stop opposite sex friends by the new boyfriend. Insecurity and mistrust of one or both friends rules some people. Some give in and stop friends.

Sea_of_Pastel · 2021-04-08T16:48:21+00:00

Insecurity

sweetlike314 · 2021-04-08T17:12:04+00:00

Not in my relationships but in my mid-20’s girlfriends of some of my guy friends were insecure and communication changed out of respect for the other persons insecurity and to avoid jealousy. There was certainly less “crashing at the other persons place” to maintain appropriate appearances. Now in my 30’s most people are in LTRs or married and there are only a couple guy friends who I still stay in touch with. But I also only have a few closer girlfriends I stay in contact with regularly as well. Over time my friend group has shrunk as my work/home life has gotten busier.

GunnzzNRoses · 2021-04-08T18:55:17+00:00

It's probably done out of respect at the request of their lover, less so a personal choice.

omniscient_scorpion · 2021-04-08T19:57:10+00:00

I think it goes both ways and all ways. When people (regardless of gender) first enter a relationship, all they want to do is spend time with that person. Men and women don't necessarily drop their other friends, but they begin to prioritize their partner. Every relationship is different, but people just run out of time for previous friendships because relationships usually always take precedent over friendships.

That being said I have noticed that what you mentioned about girls ending friendships with guys once they enter a relationship in my own personal life. My ex girlfriend did this. She dropped many of her friends (most happened to be guys) when we were together (I did not ask her to). I didn't drop any of my friends because of the relationship and she was fine with that also.

I have also amazing friends (girls) who are happily married and find time for their relationship and friendships. It really just depends on the person.

fraxinustreee · 2021-04-08T20:38:45+00:00

Possible that the bf gets jealous and the girl just decides to not contact the guy friend much.

hesipullupjimbo445 · 2021-04-08T23:59:29+00:00

She’s filled her need for validation and her male friends now have no value to her

Sid_Insidious · 2021-04-09T00:04:54+00:00

It's a common trope, really. Boys meets girl, head over heels. He plans dates. It's romantic. He buys flowers and cards. He gives amazingly long back and foot rubs. He adores her.

And slowly but surely, it all slowly fades away to "Hey. How was work?"

You become room-mates. Or worse, two room-mates with 2 or more kids to care for.

Or maybe it's not so much about passion but just the day-to-day scramble to try and get all that "career" work done and all that "household" work done and after all the work is done you'd both rather just have a shower and go to sleep. Or just pass out in your clothes.

It's not what she signed up for, but he could never had kept up the facade more than a year or two anyways. And nobody, not man OR woman, knows what they are getting into as a working couple planning to have kids. Unless they're earning enough to hire people to help with the kids and housework, I really hope they like WORK because they're going to be doing it *all the time*.

Happily married people might disagree (both of them) but I think marriage is a surefire way to drive two people to misery or at least to a point where they are pretending how happy they really are.

Robitaille21 · 2021-04-09T00:37:10+00:00

Longtime lurker here. I HAD to weigh in on this though. In my experience, women will *usually* have as many male friends as they can get away with. But, sometimes have a partner who won't allow it. I've been married 23 years, and I ain't ashamed to admit that I made my wife get rid of all of her male friends. Some the had known since kindergarten. I mean really, she can have all of the friends she wants. She just can't be married to me at the same time. People will try to convince me that I am controlling or insecure. Meh, I call it being protective of my marriage. Now, do I go over board sometimes? Yeah, I'm well known in my wife's social circle for being the jealous type. An honor I wear with pride ;)

flapperfemmefatale · 2021-04-08T04:00:15+00:00

I have never experienced this, or done this myself. I tend to disappear because of work, and the genders are affected equally.

death_by_1000_cats · 2021-04-08T14:44:31+00:00

I don't completely cut off my male friends when I get into a relationship, but I do stop hanging out with them alone, drinking with them etc. They do the same thing when they get into relationships. It's just respectful to your SO not to go galavanting with members of the opposite sex. Even if you know you're just friends and there's no attraction, your SO doesn't know that, so why do things that will naturally breed suspicion and jealousy? Just hang out in groups.

Plus, there is always a possibility for friendship to turn into something more, and those opportunities increase when you're spending a lot of one-on-one intimate time together. As a single person that possibility doesn't bother me; why would it? But if I'm in a relationship I want to protect then I'm not going to expose myself to situations where the potential for temptation exists. Exact same reason I would go out to a bar alone when single but wouldn't do so in a relationship. Even though I've never gone home with a guy from a bar in my life, I understand why that kind of behavior is associated with single people and looks suspicious for a taken/married woman to do.

inb4 "but muh bisexuals" - not my problem, don't care

Naus1987 · 2021-04-08T13:17:04+00:00

I have lots of male and female friends, but I tend to hang out with different ones based on my current hobbies or situations.

Like when I was dating—I had a lot of women I’d talk to for advice and just rant/gossip about the insanity of the dating world.

Now that I’m not dating and do a lot of day trading—my social group switched a lot.

I’ve always been a trailblazer in a way. I’d be that guy who’d wander away from a friend circle to just do my own thing. So I’ve often found myself in different circles as they fit my needs at the time.

I’d frequently abandon friends as I chased new goals and ambitions. Not to be an asshole, but I walk my own path. They can follow me or not. But I’m not bound to a social circle, lol.

Maybe my casual nature around friendships allows me to have a high number of women friends without it ever being weird.

Though my asexuality probably plays a bigger factor. I have no desire to sleep with any of my female friends.

flamingoinghome · 2021-04-08T13:19:07+00:00

Lots of women also stop talking to their female friends once they get a boyfriend. NRE is...powerful.

There are also some hella jealous boyfriends out there, and many women will, if pushed, pick the boyfriend over the guy friend.

DisturbedBurger · 2021-04-08T13:55:31+00:00

Maybe I'm just a fucking cuck but I've had many close friendships with girls where I was around to see 10 relationships/hookups come up and burn down in each of their lives.

Fked one of them, twice in a 3 year span lol. And that's it.

GGMcThroway · 2021-04-08T13:55:56+00:00

It's friendships in general, with the added caveat of "potentially jealous partner" when it comes to opposite-sex friendships. Social norms also make it a slightly uncomfortable topic to talk about openly since a lot of people will assume that a man and a woman alone together means they're fucking.

couldbemage · 2021-04-08T18:30:17+00:00

Classic monogamous hetero society rules forbid close opposite sex friendships when in a relationship. Pop over to relationshipadvice and it's everywhere.

As someone who isn't straight or monogamous, that seems stupid. Gay guys obviously have male friends. But it's certainly a thing. And based on ra threads, it's just as much women ans men enforcing that rule.

Plenty of modern socially liberal het mono folk think it's a stupid rule too, but that isn't everyone.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2021-04-08T18:54:49+00:00

Usually it’s because their new partner demands that they stop talking to other men due to his insecurities.

I’m ashamed to say I fell for this type of manipulation when I was younger 😔

I’ve also had amazing guy friends ghost me completely when I got a boyfriend and it was devastating. It’s not that I stopped talking to them, it’s just that they didn’t wanna be friends anymore after I got a boyfriend 😞

A lot of women also do the same thing. Whenever this one particular friend I have gets a new boyfriend, she withdraws from our friendship and it’s a real bummer 😔

mistresswhat · 2021-04-08T22:40:04+00:00

I've had multiple female friends pull back from our friendship after getting a partner -- sometimes quite dramatically -- and I'm a straight woman. Unfortunately, some people are really only capable of being good friends when they're single. They just want to spend all their free time with their partner, especially if they don't have a lot of it. Sometimes they come back after the honeymoon period wears off, sometimes they don't.

If the partner is the jealous type then male/female friendships are particularly likely to fall by the wayside, since maintaining them causes issues in the relationship. I know women who have experienced this with male friends, too.

2021-04-08T23:04:55+00:00

Well you stop talking to people you were interested in or she/he feels you were interested in. If you are not interested in the person and never have been, stand your ground on being their friend. Me and my S/O in every relationship have a discussion, and talk about who in each other's friend groups have we dated, had a casual thing with, or crushed on. Is it appropriate to talk to that person?

Not sure if related but hanging out alone in a non public place is definitely not allowed.

Nafemp · 2021-04-10T17:53:42+00:00

Haven't seen this posted but in some cases the person who cuts contact may have been into their male friend or vice versa and just moved on after the other party didn't get the hint and they found someone else.

BestLibertarianTemp · 2021-04-08T08:19:49+00:00

In my opinion men can never be friends with women, they always want 'something more', there are women who can comprehend this simple fact.

zeedoctorzee · 2021-04-08T06:19:21+00:00

Less need of a beta orbiter providing stuff for you if your boyfriend does it for you. Women only care about themselves so when the friend stops being able to provide for them to the curb they go.

cowfishAreReal · 2021-04-08T03:59:33+00:00

Well what can I say other than those women are just wrong. I don't know any women who has done that. And I don't think that most women do that but whoever does is just wrong.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2021-04-08T05:33:46+00:00

Too much work. No one has the social energy for all that nonsense!

Prize-Thought-4205 · 2021-04-08T05:34:52+00:00

well ppl are lonely my dude, and after they get a significant other who they can enjoy physical intimacy with too & solve their loneliness they don't need guy friends as much.

maybe a shoulder to cry on or advice if the guy abuses her or does something she doesn't like. but she can also complain to girl friends about this stuff who probably have no bias (if the guy has feelings for her it really doesn't matter what he says)

Chemical-Ad3703 · 2021-04-08T06:55:33+00:00

Depends, some men can’t handle being friends even if you’ve been friends since children some have ended up confusing friendly with more. I’ve only really been able to keep one male friend close, he just genuinely knows how to be friend. All my other friends I had to drop, I don’t like having to set boundaries at that point it’s too late.

icedhumblepie · 2021-04-08T08:50:38+00:00

If men and women can just be friends, Then why do a lot of women stop talking to their male counterpart once they are in a relationship?

I feel like there is a logical fallacy in your statement. To explore, let's begin at:

Many women stop talking to male friends when in a relationship, therefore many women believe they can not be platonic friends with men.

If we take that at face value, then the following is valid:

Some women do not stop talking to male friends when in a relationship, therefore some women believe they can be platonic friends with men.

So some women believe they can be platonic friends with men.

Therefore there is no contradiction in:

Some women believe they can be platonic friends with men, but many women still stop talking to male friends.

This can be explained by them not being the same women.

There are also plenty of other explanations, but others have talked about this.

michael1962-01 · 2021-04-08T09:56:47+00:00

Intergender friendship does never work from my hpov.

Women will disagree as it favors them heavy.

When women would act accountable and reciprocrating on same level - would be different.

But - did a women ever do paint your room or do perfect tile work.

Normally it is the way that you do 2 days work for some women and she "cooks" you some spagetti.

Seen it so often with buddies who thought they get pussy that way.

So males into such "ahh can you drive me my car broke down i need 30 bucks as i forgot my purse i repay for sure can you come over i have some heavy things to lift" female buddys are stupid idiots.

One -she did some rare mercy fucks- had a part of her house build from one of my employees and when the house was ready she kicked him out and "chad" moved in.

Intergender friendship?

Tell me what is in for a real man - i'll reconsider.

lilac2481 · 2021-04-08T14:13:57+00:00

Because of their girlfriends.

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pikachuwei · 2021-04-08T09:14:24+00:00

Maybe have less shitty friends? Out of my 8 closest female friends, 6 of them are in LTR and I keep in regular contact/hang out with them either in groups/solo with or without their partners no issues.

The only friend who regularly disappears whenever they have a partner is one dude who me and the rest of the boys rightfully roast as he will disappear without contact for months on end until he’s single again.

alialahmad1997 · 2021-04-08T09:57:21+00:00

I think this generally depends on the jealousy of tge so and the weaknesses of the friend to their partner demand

psypD · 2021-04-08T11:49:14+00:00

The guy they are now with Is confident enough not to put up with her hanging out with "male friends" and she finds him high enough value to accept.
Women can't actually be true friends with a man unless they want to fuck him.

ThunderbearIM · 2021-04-08T12:26:06+00:00

I have a few female friends that I am still friends with after they started being in a relationship.

The question for why, I guess they're obsessed with their new bf and are afraid of making him jealous? It's probably not uncommon especially for younger people in relationships to obsess over things like this.

Shirley_Schmidthoe · 2021-04-09T15:46:23+00:00

Apparently those specific individuals that do so can't.

Is there an individual that said that every individual can do that?

PuzzleheadMouse · 2021-04-09T21:22:55+00:00

Men do this even more

TodTheRod01 · 2021-04-13T00:34:50+00:00

But i dont think men and women can be friends...

urminecraftgf98 · 2021-04-15T03:23:11+00:00

Because there’s always a risk of sexual attraction or a crush when you’re friends with the opposite sex (speaking from a hetero perspective). That’s what makes it more complicated than a same sex friendship. Plus when you spend time with your partner, you may find yourself spending less time with friends in order to get to know that person more.

There’s also the possibility of the new partner not liking the fact that you spend a lot of time with your opposite sex friends, especially with that risk of developing sexual attraction. Any reason being that your friends who have developed a crush may feel hurt that you’re dating someone else and want to have space.

Aishacryptomoon · 2021-04-19T04:14:44+00:00

I never stopped. My best friends are all men. I would never be in a relationship with someone that asks me to stop talking to my friends. Either there is trust or there isn’t. I’m totally okay for my partner to meet them. But at the end of the day, I won’t change for anyone. Either you accept me as I am or we are not a good fit and that’s okay.

I’ve been with the same man for 10 years. I don’t care with who he talks, and vice-versa.

pleasedontknowmee · 2021-04-08T10:11:03+00:00

men are only friends with women they want to fuck. if they stay friends with you once you have a gf, that means they want to cheat. take it as a sign your friends aren’t cheating dirt bags

souredskittles · 2021-04-09T01:41:47+00:00

Just out of respect for his gf. It’s inappropriate to be that close to a man with a gf since we know it’s in fact men that can’t be just friends.

Title	If men and women can just be friends, Then why do a lot of women stop talking to their male counterpart once they are in a relationship?
Author	Wobblewobblegobble
Upvotes	135
Comments	178
Date	April 8, 2021 3:50 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/mmjdpv/if_men_and_women_can_just_be_friends_then_why_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/if-men-and-women-can-just-be-friends-then-why-do-a.764241 https://theredarchive.com/post/764241

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