Being in a good relationship has made me realize how women are being gaslit on a mass scale to ask for less

Wild_Artio · 2021-07-28T04:05:18+00:00

❤️thank you. Women are being mass scale emotionally abused, 💯 it’s a “cute joke” in the media that the bar is in hell, not a sad shitty reality where women are brainwashed to settle for literal shit crumbs.

shinyjewels · 2021-07-28T04:11:27+00:00

Yep, I still sometimes have to stop myself from apologizing for asking for basic respect. And those habits didn't just come from dating a shitty ex boyfriend - society socializes women to feel guilty for asking for anything at all, and it starts young. I remember being 5-6yo and being forced by teachers to apologize for not wanting to sit next to the boy who bullied me. Girls are constantly being taught by society that their discomfort is normal, and that they need to apologize if they demand more for themselves.

orangechickengeneral · 2021-07-28T05:13:56+00:00

Each time you doubt yourself when setting your standards or expectations in a relationship, ask yourself, would a man agree to this treatment, would he be happy in a relationship like that?
Men walk away when their expectations and needs aren't met instead of pleading, convincing, cajoling, and everything else that we women do. It is time we do the same.

LiquidSapphire · 2021-07-28T05:44:57+00:00

Holy hell story time. I was talking to a male friend a few years back. In hindsight I can see he was an LVM. And he was telling me all about how his girlfriend was annoying and insecure and he didn't really like her all that much and he was thinking about dumping her anyway because of how needy she was. And it dawned on me and that moment and I actually shared it with him in that moment - she has every reason to feel insecure. He didn't like her as much as she liked him. That's not exactly a recipe for security. He was thinking about dumping her. There was a power imbalance. Of course she was feeling insecure. She was not secure. If you feel insecure - sometimes it's because you actually aren't in a safe situation emotionally or otherwise. Somehow it took me something like 35 years to recognize that

LeftistEpicure · 2021-07-28T05:21:53+00:00

I’m trying my best to quit using the word “just,” like, “I just wanted…” and “I just thought…” because that one word sums up for me how women are taught to minimize their presence in every way. We’re taught from birth to be small and quiet and not ask for anything for ourselves. Instead we’re taught that everyone else’s needs are more important than ours. Yeah, well, I’m over that. Thanks, FDS!!!

Elegaunt · 2021-07-28T04:00:52+00:00

Great post.

It took me a long time to accept that I need what I need. And that what I need is not unreasonable. Undoing it has taken the good part of a year, but the constant gaslighting and abuse will make you literally insane.

like_onomatopoeia · 2021-07-28T04:21:31+00:00

Such a great reminder, thanks for posting.

Someone wrote the other day here: if he thinks you are too much, suggest him to go and find less.

FDS-GFY · 2021-07-28T04:13:33+00:00

Oh HELL yes to this. Once FDS slapped me awake I could see it every day and the ick set in.

habsbdbjf · 2021-07-28T12:16:45+00:00

The point of patriarchy is to crush women's spirit so that we accept anything from men. It's depressing when you actually become aware that it's happening on such a massive scale :/

basicbagels · 2021-07-28T03:48:02+00:00

Thank you so very much for posting this, it’s fantastic ❤️ well said and came at a great time for me. Onward and upward

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-07-28T04:24:43+00:00

So true, we’ve been pressured by society to accommodate to men even if it means sacrificing our autonomy and comfort. I’d been afraid to take up space or speak up when something isn’t right in fear of being “too much”. That’s something I’m still working on, and I’ve noticed that after gaining more self worth and confidence, I’m not as afraid to set boundaries and cut off people who cross them. I cut off a guy who was pornsick and was into choking, anal, and other forms of abuse and I cut off a LV friend who didn’t respect my time and would be super pushy with us hanging out even if I wasn’t feeling well or had to study for my classes. It feels good to not allow people to walk all over you and use you solely for their benefit

IndigoTR · 2021-07-28T05:20:12+00:00

Amen! 👏🏾👏🏾 I refuse to apologize for asking for my basic emotional needs to be met and I also refuse to keep entertaining men who can’t meet them!

CelebrationKey · 2021-07-28T13:14:40+00:00

Until I met my 2nd and now husband I thought I had BPD, attachment and abandonment issues, low self esteem and all these other mental health issues. Turns out it was just the shitty lvm I had dated, and one I married (and divorced.)

Quebeks · 2021-07-28T05:36:30+00:00

Thank you for posting this. I have felt needy and clingy in so many past relationships. Now that I’m with a man that exhibits a ton of high value traits I realize that I’m a normal human, with needs and desires and he never makes me feel bad for asking for what I want or need. It’s quite refreshing to feel validated.

UntamedPunk_ishungry · 2021-07-28T03:51:50+00:00

I here you, I’m a very “giving” person, when I know someone really enjoys something ( favorite musician, mangas, books, etc) I tend to gift them things based on what they like. I have always done this with my friends. When I was younger I did the same for the guys I was dating (3 diff times this happened) I was always met with “you’re crazy, needy, you’re too much”. For the longest I really did believe I was the problem. It wasn’t until I met my SO that he told me, the problem were those guys and not me, that what had done for them was something sweet and thoughtful and they were just assholes. I can def say no one had ever had my back like he does.

isa_banana · 2021-07-28T06:02:39+00:00

This is so true and it's such a huge red flag : if you don't feel comfortable expressing yourself by fear of being judged, then it's better to be alone

talltori · 2021-07-28T05:17:51+00:00

This is so sad how true it is and I completely relate. My ex bfs were always gaslighting me. One called me a “clingy ass bitch” when I asked him to text me more. There were so so soooo so many red flags, not even red flags more like red trucks hitting me lol. But I’ve been with my bf (not the same guy obviously) for 4 years now and no matter how much I text or call him, no matter how much I want to see him he has never expressed in anyway that he thinks I’m clingy. He reassures me constantly because of all the shit I’ve been through that has made me extremely insecure. I’m getting better and thank god he’s patient. But dammit I wish I would’ve had more self esteem when I dated shitty guys to know what the signs were and know that I was being manipulated. Fuck that shit.

miphasgraceful · 2021-07-28T14:10:54+00:00

I think it’s been stated previously on FDS before, but still holds true: “you’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking the wrong person.”

katiekat0214 · 2021-07-28T13:57:16+00:00

I took to saying a long time ago, any or all of the following: it's not too much to ask, sorry you're lazy, I have a right to ask for what I need. Any time a man makes a stank face or comment about that, you can drop him, and move on with life freely. First husband was like this. Of course I divorced him. Second husband was like OP's guy: always wanted to know what I thought, wanted, needed, always happy to provide. We worked together, never at cross-purposes. Having been loved well, truly, nearly as unconditionally as possible, there is no settling for less ever again.

snootdidanoot · 2021-07-28T06:55:25+00:00

I think a huge change I've noticed is how I see other relationships, and how horrible these men are to women I know! Relationships I used to think were solid and good, I can see through the bullshit now.

honeybadgerattitude · 2021-07-28T09:03:39+00:00

Women are in a worldwide narcissistic relationship with men

Latter_Ostrich2875 · 2021-07-28T16:12:53+00:00

I remember when I was like 10 people kept asking me if I had a boyfriend. I said “no because I want one who’s nice and has stuff in common with me and won’t force me to cook and clean for him” they all scoffed and said I have really high standards 🙄

chainsawbobcat · 2021-07-28T11:04:55+00:00

every time in the past I’ve been criticized and had my spirit crushed for wanting things

I think that wanting things/asking for things is also traumatizing bc of what you may be asked for in return. The score chart is absolutely terrifying to me. I do not have the problem of feeling like my needs are too much or crazy, it just seems like every man on earth feels. OWED bc being kind and decent to your partner is an inconvenience for them.

VgraceD · 2021-07-28T06:12:11+00:00

Well said. Kudos to BF for even being aware of you diminishing your needs and being compassionate enough to reassure you that he wants to be there for your needs. He does truly sound to be a HVM.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2021-07-28T15:41:29+00:00

1000x this. I am in a relationship now where my boyfriend takes my feelings into account. Before I was in one with someone who called me "controlling" for not wanting him to hang out with or message a girl who was very clearly flirting with him despite knowing about me.

Real-Exercise5212 · 2021-07-28T03:36:51+00:00

That one hit close to home. Thanks for posting

M1nette · 2021-07-28T09:50:17+00:00

The more women realize this, the better! You aren't the problem, he is simply a jerk.

Radenoughyet · 2021-07-28T16:26:32+00:00

Yup. It honestly took me dating a woman to realize how mistreated I was by ALL of the men I’ve dated. I realize most of the women on this sub don’t have the luxury of bisexuality.

The last guy I was with called me clingy, needy, insecure etc because I asked him NOT TO SLEEP WITH OTHER WOMEN. We were in a closed monogamous relationship that was his idea but somehow I lowered my standards so much that I truly believed I was being uptight and crazy for wanting him not to cheat on me.

emmgdac · 2021-07-28T16:27:15+00:00

Hi there, funny enough, it's a totally my sister who does this. I've been single about 6 years now- by choice of course until I find a HVM because I refuse to go to hell just for a guy. Whenever we go out to eat she always makes it a point to remind me that I'm "high maintenance" what does she mean? Let's say I order a steak MR, and it comes out MW to WD, and I tell the server very politely (I was a server 10 years) she'll say I'm HM. Or, if theres something in the food I dont want and I instead ask for a substitution, I'm HM.

Or if I would like extra sauce, HM. Finally I snapped on her a d told her I'm not high maintenance for expecting what I've ordered, and that she's just low maintenance and will take what is given to her whereas I demand what I've ordered and what I'm paying for and until I make the mistakes, I shall continue to request and expect what I've ordered.

WatIsThis52 · 2021-07-28T16:37:22+00:00

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.

I’m also currently in a healthy relationship after being in a few hella toxic ones. I’ve been worried about being “clingy” and reaching out to my BF too much. I told him this, and he looked confused and said “I don’t think you’re too clingy!” He’s never ONCE expressed any negative feelings about our contact level or how often we see each other. It’s been an adjustment for me and I find that kind of sad … we’ve been together over a year, and I still get nervous sometimes when I text him or try to make plans with him. It’s like I’ve been conditioned to expect a guy to be annoyed with me contacting them … not ok.

Educational_Okra_798 · 2021-07-28T10:54:36+00:00

I had a guy tell me I was asking me too much when I wanted him to talk to me more and see me once or twice a week.

joysie21 · 2021-07-28T05:21:29+00:00

❤ thank you so much for this. I feel heard.

mycatisgoth · 2021-07-28T04:16:33+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I literally just asked my bf that I prefer to hang out Saturdays over Fridays. Saturdays are usually his “dnd night with the guys”. After I stated my preference, he responded that he will keep in mind I prefer Saturdays. I felt very proud for a couple minutes for stating my needs but immediately after, I started to feel anxious and scared that he’s going to think I’m being dictator. I need to keep reminding myself that my requests are perfectly reasonable. I am not crazy or controlling. I need to continue stating my needs. I need not be scared. Sure it may be an inconvenience for him but if he’s a hvm he will know to prioritize me over a silly game.

AbbyDean1985 · 2021-07-30T13:39:16+00:00

I feel this so hard.

xinxenxun · 2021-07-28T19:24:47+00:00

Isn't there a religious woman who thinks she's "teaching" biblical womanhood and literally all of her posts it's her calling women to stop asking for anything to males and settle even when it's just one income and can barely get by, do not demand anything from your husband and keep quiet, don't study, don't go to work but comply to any and every single demands from your husband since he's your head and he commands you and he's just taking what all women have been taught and taking it into the next level

Title	Being in a good relationship has made me realize how women are being gaslit on a mass scale to ask for less
Author	pascalines
Upvotes	2433
Comments	103
Date	July 28, 2021 3:20 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ot1prd/being_in_a_good_relationship_has_made_me_realize/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/being-in-a-good-relationship-has-made-me-realize.795370 https://theredarchive.com/post/795370

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