Nobody knows the pain of divorce

EuphoricResort5247 · 2025-02-08T18:58:37+00:00

You will see on a daily basis men lifting up women. You can look for a lifetime and NEVER see a woman lift up a man… It will improve. Here’s my advice from my two attorneys that have practiced family law for over 30 years. 70% of ALL divorced women will attempt to make their return to your life. Their weapon of choice in getting back with you? The children. When men take these women back it never works. The second time is even more brutal. Both lawyers told me you take her back and when it fails DONT CALL ME.

QuantumWalker · 2025-02-08T05:17:41+00:00

Wow man, I’m sorry to hear this. I’ve seen rougher and I’ve seen not so bad ones.

Even the best case scenario divorce still is a terrible thing to go through.

It gets better buddy.

ReleaseMelodic2651 · 2025-02-07T21:13:36+00:00

Yeah standard operating procedure is to slander as well. Especially if there was cheating from her side.

It couldn't possibly be her fault.

willowtrees_r_us · 2025-02-07T20:48:28+00:00

They say death is the most stressful event and divorce is second.

IAPiratesFan · 2025-02-07T16:58:00+00:00

The further I get from the marriage, the more I realize how awful she was to me at the end. So the pain goes away and I feel free to tell people the truth about her.

adrianmonologovich · 2025-02-07T13:16:03+00:00

>Nobody knows the pain of divorce

Absolutely. They are so terrified of it, they would rather be stuck and being ripped apart every day.

Alice didn't know what's on the other side, she had to go there.

bennyl23 · 2025-02-07T12:41:43+00:00

I try to think of the people who I knew during my marriage who got divorced. I didn't care all that much. Now I'm in the same boat. People were willing to listen at the beginning but I noticed pretty quickly that it's not something people want to talk about or acknowledge unless they've been through it themselves. I guess either people don't give a shit, or it makes them uncomfortable.

wodanob508 · 2025-02-07T09:56:56+00:00

Divorce is living death.

death without dying, the undead but without all the cool superpowers.

RandomDude007_ · 2025-02-07T09:19:21+00:00

Unfortunately those getting divorced are seen to have failed. The opposite should apply, they should be seen as individuals who’ve made a decision to take action and address a bad situation.

Lots in loveless, dysfunctional marriages who waste their lives unhappy.

Pretend_Line6688 · 2025-02-07T07:56:44+00:00

It's a tough club to be a member of, that's for sure. I often have to remind myself that those around me don't truly know what I'm going through. Try to find a support group so that you can connect w/ guys that are going thru a divorce or are divorced.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-02-07T03:27:11+00:00

Nobody actually cares about any of that shit, but there's clear social rules for responding to those kind of good and bad events. Divorces are socially awkward and no one knows quite how to respond. It would be nice if it was somehow acknowledged but ... meh. Not something to hold against people or be butthurt about. We all suffer alone, essentially.

No_Zone_911 · 2025-02-07T02:26:47+00:00

The title says it all. Unless you’ve been through it, you can’t understand. And people don’t try to understand. And then people use it as some kind of ammunition against you when you just happened to rub them the wrong way or something. Employers are quick to cut and run. Friends are quick to cut and run.

You aren’t really alone, but for a while you feel alone. But there’s a zillion other guys out there just quietly dealing with the same hand you were dealt.

And eventually the grief fades. And then eventually you start to accept and even appreciate your new self and new life. And then you wake up one day and you are happy and you haven’t thought about that dumb bitch since I don’t know when. And then you can finally see her for what she really was. Not this fantasy you had going in your head. And you appreciate your divorce. (You still resent getting raped by the court system)

And then…

She tries to come back.

You’ve been warned.

Confident-Run-645 · 2025-02-07T00:58:52+00:00

There is such a thing known as "Chronic Grief "

For example, Queen Vittoria of England mourned the death of her husband Prince Albert for over thirty years.

There are things that happen to us in life that once you've gone through them, you will NEVER be the same person you were before you went through them.

Confident-Run-645 · 2025-02-07T00:53:53+00:00

Men are 9 tines more likely to commit suicide after a divorce.

That doesn't include those that commit suicide on "The Installment Plan" through over consumption of alcohol or drugs.

Per the Holmes & Rahe Stress scale of the top 100 most stressful things people go through, divorce is second only to the death of one's spouse!

AdequatelyfunBoi2 · 2025-02-07T00:30:23+00:00

I lost two families. Hers and then my own after she assassinated my character. I went through one of, if not the most difficult transition one can experience in life, and I had nobody. I still haven’t shaken the feeling of isolation, and my trust in women is non existent. I have very little faith that the trust will ever be fully restored. Vulnerability is a necessity for a good, functional relationship. Vulnerability is also what will be exploited if the relationship goes south. I can’t lose everything again. None of my friends gave a fuck about me during my divorce. Who do you think was the first person they called when theirs came up? Yeah.

Sader9801 · 2025-02-06T19:54:13+00:00

It’s worse than a death - sadly, it’s so commonplace, nobody seems to really care. Hang in there, my brother. If you have kids, stay strong for them. 🙏

mrclark121 · 2025-02-06T19:53:01+00:00

You never know who you married UNTIL you go through a divorce with them. You will hear and see behavior that you could never imagine coming from the person.

Upstairs-Studio8509 · 2025-02-06T19:09:34+00:00

Divorce turned my life upside down, and you're right, no one really cared except my close family. Friends were like, "yeah, that sucks man".

I could barely function. Work and gym were good distractions to get my mind off it but most nights I found myself alone and going to dark places in my mind.

I think it just comes down to how common it is now - it doesn't really surprise anyone when it actually happens. But that doesn't make it any easier.

ThrowMeAwayPlz_69 · 2025-02-06T18:53:33+00:00

I heard somewhere that divorce is harder on the men at the beginning, but worse on the women later on. Think about, most divorced women are miserable people. They go out, “live their life” for a year or so, but then become bitter people.

I’m going through it right now, but I’m convinced it gets better. I have noticed that nobody checks in or anything, but at the end of the day we only had ourselves to start with.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2025-02-06T18:44:01+00:00

If only Hallmark made cards for divorcing people.

Sick? You get a card.
Birthday? Get a cake.
Death in family? Flowers.
New kid? Baby Shower.
Married? Let's party

It sucks, but that's how it is.

khaddir_1 · 2025-02-06T17:55:57+00:00

The pain is what you make it. You are choosing to look at her in a way that makes her irreplaceable. Those people look at the divorce differently than you and that is why they did not support you like you wanted. We are men and must forge our own path forward. Hope you find your new person man.

Particular_Act7478 · 2025-02-06T15:52:50+00:00

Im sorry you went through that!! Is it time for all people to express their needs and wants? Not just go with the old boomer notion of men need to man up? That was a very toxic generation. We are advancing, so with the help of a therapist, find the words to use to express the need for support. And getting comfortable with those words and using them. It’s time. It allows you to protect yourself and your mental health matters! Men are not meant to be saviors. Everyone has to grow up, glow up… no just men by manning up. We all have to protect ourselves, establish our boundaries and communicate our needs/wants. It may be very uncomfortable but it’s a positive step toward healing and growth. And we must away from people pleasing and giving others too much power by subjecting ourselves to what others think of us. Wishing you the best!!! Not sure if this makes sense but Truly hope it helps.

2025-02-06T15:43:37+00:00

Meh. I think you'll go nuts thinking this way. People are going to be people.

I mean, I'm sympathetic obviously. But it's probably not everybody. Some clique-y person usually drives these one-off things.

Workplaces can't even get birthdays right. (It's not difficult, either no birthday celebrations at all or monthly celebrations for everyone. I guess they don't teach this in "HR college".)

Awards are the same way. You take a team, you recognize one person, and everyone else ... I guess ... isn't part of the team? Or didn't work as hard? Was there a rubric everyone missed? The right answer here is frequent celebration lunches.

So the hive workplace mind can't get happy occasions right. I'd expect even worse for sad occasions.

BakedCheddar88 · 2025-02-06T15:28:30+00:00

I think it’s because divorce is such a taboo subject for people that they don’t know how to engage with those going through it. I have a support system and I appreciate them trying but because they haven’t gone through it they’re basically wasting their time. The only thing that somewhat helps me is therapy, talking through my emotions with a professional at least helps me recontextualize things. This sub helps a bit too, even if some of the advice boils down to “get money, fuck bitches” lol

AvacodoCartwheeler · 2025-02-06T15:28:07+00:00

They don't understand.

My boss (a woman...) when we talked about it as part of a 'what's going on with you lately? You don't seem to be here in the moment and you've been taking a lot of time off' said to me that "Well, I've been through some bad breakups..." It made something snap and I unloaded on her in the moment (in a respectful way) and by the end of it she backed all the way down and asked how she could help.

My point is that the issue is two-fold. On the one hand, yes, we "as men" are expected to "man up" and deal with it. The other part of the problem is that we "as men" literally walk around like nothing bothers us, then get surprised when everyone acts like what is bothering us is no big deal. It's exactly the same as when we get upset at the women in our lives who expect us to read their mind - to them it's obvious, just like to us it's obvious.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2025-02-06T14:37:20+00:00

Men were built to suffer. That is how we grow. The universe saw you needed to learn something and has given you a huge gift. We should be celebrating your transformation, not consoling you.

The money you lost can be easily replaced if that is your thing (not that you can ever take it with you). Do you really need it? Does it play any part in achieving your purpose? Or is it some meaningless scorecard for the old and weak you?

Don't look for validation or comfort from others. Nobody cares. If you are a man nobody is coming to save you. We save others, and for that we get the privilege of leading and building great things.

Commercial-Doubt-612 · 2025-02-06T14:35:45+00:00

Men must support men. I know your pain. And it's OK to let it out. You have my support.

47omek · 2025-02-06T14:09:17+00:00

No one cares about divorced men. The prevailing response to a man getting divorced is that "he must have been a pretty awful husband for that wonderful snowflake woman to leave him". There will be no sympathy there. Only possibly other men that have been through it will understand and even many of them keep the "women are wonderful" after what happened to them somehow. It's how the egregious mommy support and alimony amounts men pay are justified - the man probably had it coming so who cares. The only person a man can truly rely on is himself and getting divorced makes that starkly clear. But instead of approaching it with lament, you can choose to wear it as a badge of honor. "I got through this all on my own, I didn't have the entire community and the divorce industrial complex propping me up like my ex had - it was all on me. Now I know that I can do anything."

Tires_For_Licorice · 2025-02-06T13:28:14+00:00

I’m so sorry these people that you thought were more concerned and connected to you turned out not to be. I had a somewhat similar experience. At the risk of being downvoted here, I read through the comments and I feel like some balance to the perspective is in order from someone who is a few years down the road from separation and divorce:

1) Someone going through a divorce does not equal someone having a medical procedure done or going into the hospital. First, the medical circumstance is usually a discrete, one time gesture of support whereas supporting someone through divorce generally is thought of as entailing long term support and contact. It’s far easier to just chip in for a gift then actually commit yourself to a closer relationship with a person. Not everyone is ready for that. Obviously they could have done SOMETHING like even a token “Let me know if you’d like to talk,” or “I’m so sorry”. Second, there’s not an obvious, culturally widespread “thing to do” when someone announces they’re going through a divorce. There’s no “we should take him out for a traditional ‘Hope Your Divorce Goes Okay’ lunch.” So, people need some grace that not only do they not know what to do, to do anything would generally require more time, effort, and close connection than all but your closest friends are willing to give.

2) In many areas of life I have found that I have an expectation for others to make the first move on things that I as an adult actually have the responsibility to make the first move and ask for. It would be nice if others would reach out and offer, but it’s ultimately not their responsibility. If I want support, it’s my responsibility to ask people directly for it.

3) People in divorce are hurting and not at their best. Yes, of course this is when they need relationship the most, but someone being at their worst is when it is the hardest to be in relationship with them. I don’t feel like it’s right to blame people too hard for keeping their distance from someone going through a divorce.

4) I was married with two kids. You’re so busy and you want to spend time with your family. It was hard enough for me to find time for myself let alone to find time to hang out with someone else. And when I did, it was only with other families with kids. I had a really, really close friend who actually let me stay in his house with his family for a few months, and once I left I never heard from him again - but I don’t begrudge it. He’s busy, he’s got a family, his kids are in extracurriculars all the time. When is he going to hang out with his newly single friend? If I want to hang out with him, I have to ask. That’s not his fault. It’s just how life works.

5) Last thing I’ll say - and more could probably be said - I think a lot of times getting close to someone going through a divorce feels like “getting involved”, and that feels icky. Maybe John cheated on his wife, maybe she cheated on him, maybe he’s been abusive or is a narcissist. If we have lunch is he just going to bitch about his wife and how he’s the victim the whole time? How am I supposed to respond to that?

I think someone else in the comments pointed out that it’s very hard for people to relate to someone going through divorce unless they also have gone through it. Be the change you want to see in the world. I also wish our society was better equipped and more ready to hop in and get close to people going through divorce, but I don’t think it’s totally fair to judge people when they don’t. It makes sense. So, let’s make sure we give other people the support and relationship we wish we had gotten when we find out they are going through divorce. That’s the only reason I’m still a part of this sub and r/Divorce.

mesi130 · 2025-02-06T13:02:02+00:00

It’s tough to go through alone. Reach out to a family member or counselor. As far as other people and their marriages. You have no idea what’s going on with them behind closed doors. Just because they are married doesn’t mean it’s necessarily great. Yes divorce is hard but put it in perspective. I’m going through a divorce right now. I lost my son 13 years ago. Now that’s something I’ll never get over.

THX1138-22 · 2025-02-06T12:58:34+00:00

Sometimes I wonder if people turn away from us because they are having problems in their own marriage and they dont want to look in the mirror.

warwww · 2025-02-06T12:22:49+00:00

The pain is commensurate with the level of loyalty and adherence you have to your vows…. Remember for better or worse. When the person you expect to be buried beside betrays that for whatever reason that is a nuclear event for men as we generally would hold to it, in most cases ignoring seemingly “better options, younger females” etc for the well-being of the family unit.

For a lot, 90% of the grief comes from not being near your kids as you used to which is why most advocate fiercely for equal shared parenting. To have your kids stripped away from you to go live with another man is a weird thing, I don’t see this happening in the wild or Mother Nature… it’ll forever be odd to me to take another persons kids and then attempt to have them raised by someone else.

Most men can get over the betrayal of their spouse fairly easily but it’s the loss of the family unit as it relates to their kids that send a lot into the twilight zone.

I can guarantee you the sting of divorce for men would feel like a mild sunburn if we didn’t experience having to fight to the point of destitution to be in our kids lives. I have never met a woman that had to fret about custody of the kids while either going through a divorce or breakup. Odd that society does this to kids, I blame us men too as we turn the other eye and fall into the dumb as a rock role narrative that is portrayed when it comes to parenting. We make movies and commercials showing that we are clueless when it comes to kids…. It’s simply false.

It is in fact a great thing that a disloyal person leaves your life for many reasons. Health wise you don’t have to worry about transmitted pelvic diseases, financial drain, worry etc…

charmer143 · 2025-02-06T11:21:46+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Even though I haven’t gone through this myself, I agree as a woman that men's mental health is often overlooked. I genuinely hope you're coping well. Please remember that you are more than welcome to take days off, even if it means simply resting at home and being in touch with your emotions.

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2025-02-06T10:32:38+00:00

Have you sought help for grief?

You have pain, and it may be more radiant to others than you think. And while the pain isn’t your fault, that can drive people away.

But again, it’s grief. And it takes time to deal with.

warrior_up · 2025-02-06T10:20:17+00:00

Nothing like a divorce to make a man out of you. I felt the way you feel for a while - then one day I realized that it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me.

aquatic-dreams · 2025-02-06T10:08:27+00:00

Half of all marriages end in divorce. It's that most men after moving on don't waste their time dwelling on it. At the same time, I met men everywhere who had been through similar when I was running around lost and in shock. It was really really weird how common it was for men I had never met before offering me a beer and some slice of advice to try and help me through it.

Exactly65536 · 2025-02-06T10:01:16+00:00

Interestingly enough, I have the opposite impression right now.

Every colleague whom I choose to inform that I'm undergoing a divorce reacts as if I told them I had leukemia.

As for them giving me a gift or inviting me for lunch, thank gods they are not attempting to do that.

Cool-2026 · 2025-02-06T09:16:25+00:00

Same here- nobody supported. I was all alone going through this and when you have a toxic wife who doesn’t understand and always blame you for nothing is the worst thing ever. What I did was to fight after each downfall. I didn’t go to any psychologist. I just changed the thinking within myself, start going to gym, had started extra classes for German language at evening and put myself so much busy that I forgot everything. Now I am well balanced, top earner and with best job. I am so happy that my ex told me for divorce and sometimes things happen for the good being of a person.

HerbEverstanks · 2025-02-06T08:59:43+00:00

People end up getting compassion fatigue. They would rather hear about your dog getting run over by a car. They can relate to that.

Your divorce? Nope. I think that's why we're here.

No one cares how much money I lost because you can "make it back." No one cares about the time I wasted because I "learned a lesson." No one cares about how I felt because, well, we're men and we don't have feelings. No one cares about the out dated laws in _____ county, (insert state here). No one cares about how the money the person who committed the adultery is not taxed because "let's not talk about tax implications."

Last one was a quote from the 3rd judge on my case.

/grief

Itchy_Importance6861 · 2025-02-06T08:41:20+00:00

Unfortunately people don't "know" a pain until it happens to them. I lost my sister 3 years ago. Nobody understands unless they've lost a sister too.

No_Pace2396 · 2025-02-06T08:35:14+00:00

This is true. There’s no acknowledgement of the loss and grieving in divorce, or worse when it’s contentious. If anything, there’ve been people I’ve told who’ve then ghosted me, or tried to figure out how I was to blame.

Title	Nobody knows the pain of divorce
Author	ww3historian
Upvotes	158
Comments	85
Date	February 6, 2025 8:30 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1iixxph/nobody_knows_the_pain_of_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/nobody-knows-the-pain-of-divorce.1543117 https://theredarchive.com/post/1543117

Comments