“Never tell men about your trauma”

scooter_se · 2021-11-11T02:31:03+00:00

Every rule on FDS is written in blood

Jandi18 · 2021-11-11T02:27:00+00:00

I agree! I told my ex about my sexual assault, he got mad and asked why I didn’t tell anymore and did I enjoy it? I was 5 when it happened wtf! So no! Do not share trauma, they will use it and hurt you.

FineDeliciousSnakes · 2021-11-11T05:20:52+00:00

In high school I told a boy I was self conscious about a freckle. For the next week he pointed it out often and teased me. One day he did it and I deadpan just stood up and left the cafeteria. He stopped after that.

A decade later he ended up giving me an ultimatum that we either date or stop talking 🙄 guess who I don’t talk to anymore 🥴

plomerst · 2021-11-10T22:07:36+00:00

Haha it is hard to get motivated to date when I think of how guarded, protective and deliberate I have to be. I’m still mourning the idea of the carefree kinda romance I always desired. But better to be equipped with the tools to face reality.

ABQ_COgirl · 2021-11-10T22:03:54+00:00

I wholeheartedly agree with this. My current boyfriend does NOT know my deepest traumas. My ex-husband knew it all and oh god he used it against me. He even took it and told his mistress everything - it was the ultimate betrayal. The fact that he did this was like worse than his cheating. Never trust men with your traumas!!

Nonnasaysfuckoff · 2021-11-10T22:25:29+00:00

Tbh for everyone questioning things and advice we all share, please realize we're all trading notes and observations. We're sharing it so our other sisters are aware of it and hopefully have a better experience. Everything here is a direct reaction to how men and society are. If it was a perfect world we wouldn't need to be like this, but it's not and we have to acknowledge and work within the reality.

baileyj93 · 2021-11-10T22:44:23+00:00

I remember an ex-boyfriend threw something in my face that I opened up to him about. He said during an argument that 'if he was going to break up with me it should be for [the traumatic thing that happened to me]'.

I unfortunately did stay with him for a bit longer but I did break up with him eventually. I learned my lesson though and I have kept it guarded from men I date ever since.

repurposedschleem · 2021-11-11T11:12:15+00:00

This this this.

My NVX turned my trauma into victim blaming, into a way to manipulate and control when I made the mistake of telling him (SA when we were together.) I should have known — the man used to get hard and wanted sex when I cried, even if he was the one making me cry.

My current partner passed the “blood in the water” test (I actually used a really old trauma I’ve since healed from so it wasn’t a lie, it just wasn’t something he could weaponize). He’s also never gotten hard from seeing me cry. But he only knows what he needs to know.

Remember, it’s VITAL men believe you’ve been treated well. That need to be seen and heard and known? Spend that seeing and hearing and knowing yourself, queens. Your most important relationship in life is with you and you need to nurture it, need to protect it. Ever since I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve…life’s been better. Not just my love life.

sofiacarolina · 2021-11-11T00:39:20+00:00

I need this message drilled into my head. I’m someone who has so much trauma (and yes I’m in therapy and have been since age 9) that I don’t know how to not talk about it, it’s such a huge part of my life (not that I’m defined by it, but it’s obv part of the reason I am the way I am). I will tell anyone everything about me in hopes that they will do the same, trying so badly to forge intimacy, but the average person (and even more the average man) doesn’t care at best, or at worst will use it against you. I do respect boundaries and never trauma dump though, ofc. Also disclosing trauma early makes you a narc/abuser magnet bc they know you’re vulnerable. So I know I have to work on waiting a while to disclose my issues bc Im the kind of person that talks about this stuff immediately and I know it’s unhealthy. I’m just so desperate to know and be known, the slow build is hard for me.

However, when it comes to never disclosing trauma: serious question, how are we supposed to have a truly intimate relationship without sharing these things with our partner eventually? isnt vulnerability (obv timed correctly and when it’s mutual) fundamental to intimacy?

I could never be happy or feel seen and understood (assuming theyre understanding, compassionate people) without sharing these very significant things about myself, and that’s really important to me. It’s a very hard balancing act for sure, though.

blackmetalbetty · 2021-11-11T00:31:19+00:00

A friend and I were once on campus together. Knew her my whole life from grade school to the college we were both at when this took place. One day, she tells me she's going to break up or say her closing words to this guy she was with at the time that worked in the athletic building on campus. This takes awhile and I waited outside the building. Some time later she comes out visibly frustrated, teary eyed. She told me this dude told her, I guess in reply to some critical words she imparted to him, "at least I didn't beat/hurt you like the last guy you were with". I hadn't seen her since grade school, reunited at the college campus, but I had no idea she'd ever been with someone even remotely abusive. This dude really threw something she told him back at her in the heat of the moment. It didn't happen directly to me, but I could see then the way it cut through her. Don't tell them shit.

ConnectYogurtcloset1 · 2021-11-11T02:27:37+00:00

This might sound wild, but I agree with this because I never, ever told my HV now husband about any of my traumas while dating and I couldn’t be happier with our life together and he treats me wonderfully. That trauma that happened before we knew each other wasn’t who I am, and most importantly, it wasn’t his business.

Knarfia · 2021-11-10T23:02:30+00:00

This includes sex acts we've done, but never enjoyed/ never want to do again. He absolutely will guilt trip you and expect it ("Oh, you must have loved him more than me...")

peacrabs · 2021-11-11T08:20:07+00:00

You can say that again. I was telling a guy that he is treating me like shit, and his response was "Well if I'm treating you like shit then how did lists 2 of my exes treat you?" And he saw nothing wrong with that response too, it showed me mens' brains work very differently than ours. If you've ever been mistreated in any way, men will hold it over your head. I learned the hard way that it's better they don't know much about your past at all

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2021-11-11T15:50:15+00:00

Yep. It's fascinating, if you're in a co-ed group, to let drop that "my dad is great, he's always been supportive," "I talk to my brothers daily - they're hilarious," and "my ex and I grew apart, but he's got some great qualities and I appreciate his consistency and investment as a dad." You can literally see a few of the men immediately lose interest in you like a mask fell off their faces. And you'll become invisible to them moving forward.

It's a great tack to both flush out some of the predators and ensure the horror vultures stay away.

asocialsocialite · 2021-11-11T18:05:07+00:00

Never share trauma. Most men are LV and only want to siphon you for what they can get off of you. They want to steal your light, and no man - not even the HV ones - are equipped to deal with a woman that is a fully realized person. They'll throw your humanity back in your face because you aren't a perfect, 2-D bangmaid.

I told a guy that I had depression and anxiety. He then went on to tell me that it was the reason why we couldn't be together because "Two people who have depression can't be together, it's bad news." The difference? I'm getting help for my depression, he refuses to. It was all good when he wanted to fuck though!

crapeescape · 2021-11-10T22:30:26+00:00

I worked in the sex industry for 10 years while I did my college degrees. Would I ever tell a man that? HELL NO! You’re just asking to be treated like shit.

Live-Werk-Pose · 2021-11-11T02:04:52+00:00

My mom told me this years ago and at first I didn’t understand why. She said, “at some point, it will be used against you, no matter how nice the guy is.” She was right.

consciousexistence19 · 2021-11-10T22:49:25+00:00

I agree with this. Instead of going in detail about what happened and in what ways you were hurt, you can always simply say a general feeling you're feeling. ''I feel sad right now because I want closure'' is far healthier for you to say rather than ''I feel so mentally exhausted because of the way X person wronged me in the past''. Simply voicing your feelings in the moment helps you get the closure you need, but also prevents your past to haunt you more and more. I understand trauma often feels nearly impossible to forget, and sometimes we never do. But the best thing we can do is take the weight and reminders off when possible. I kept making the mistake of opening up about every specific detail of my past to men I trusted because I expected them to understand. The right man will make an effort long term to know you well enough to be able to distinguish how you feel without you even voicing it. A simple confirmation you feel upset and need his support is enough for him to offer you that warmth and safety you need. Please be careful and don't open up ways for them to take advantage of you or hurt you. Some are petty enough to do those things.

surfview · 2021-11-11T17:46:05+00:00

every single guy who sexually assaulted me did so after i shared my story. somehow they seem to think once it’s been done to you that they can get away with it again.

rayne_chi · 2021-11-11T20:56:10+00:00

Every single time I've been lenient with men and softened my boundaries, I've regretted it. Every single fucking time. There's a reason we have these rules.

egyptologist13 · 2021-11-11T16:09:58+00:00

I need to learn this. Im a very talkative person (a me problem, working on it) and told my lv ex about my (sexual) trauma. Of course, he tried to HEAL me from said trauma through using the exact same position of my trauma, because i 'need to associate it with something good' to heal. Yeah no. Never again. It did not help.

frappe21 · 2021-11-11T00:11:49+00:00

Yes yes yes!! I agree and I have regretfully told two scrotes (in particular) who took it out on me, as a direct consequence of opening up. I cannot IMAGINE harming someone in the same way they disclosed they were harmed.

Some men are so sick. Sociopathic. 🤮

FunResponsibility826 · 2021-11-11T01:19:57+00:00

Yep I always give them a fake made up insecurity to protect myself. Works like a charm.

DepressedOnOccasion · 2021-11-11T08:34:31+00:00

Told my ex-boyfriend. He just was super quiet about it when I tried to talk about it because I wanted to open up. Literally didn't say a word. Women understand, men don't. Not worth the trouble to share. And the guy who caused my trauma and PTSD was my previous ex-boyfriend so go figure. Men can be such pricks. Communication and compassion are so important, and so many of them seem to lack that.

gingerlovingcat · 2021-11-11T07:12:09+00:00

I see people commenting about how part traumas are part of the past and don't need to be brought up but what about the death of a parent? My mom passed away last year and we were very close so it's affected me profoundly. I don't know if I'll ever heal from it. How do I keep that to myself? Seemingly normal things like attending a wedding or seeing a mother and daughter with her baby can upset me. How do I deal with keeping my trauma hidden in this context?

qwaliY · 2021-11-11T15:10:21+00:00

The worst thing that's happened to you is probably a verbatim porn title that millions of men would jack off to without a second thought. For a lot of men your pain is his pleasure.

Be careful with your secrets!

oceanbreeze88 · 2021-11-10T23:27:14+00:00

Ok so I have a male therapist. I don’t need to be concerned in this regard correct? It is a THERAPIST.

freedom3437 · 2021-11-13T04:28:11+00:00

Serious question. What do I tell men if they ask why I'm divorced? Truth is there was trauma: emotional, verbal, and getting close to physical abuse. On the one hand, I know FDS says not to share that. On the other hand, how do I convey that I didn't get divorced for "frivolous" reasons- i.e. if an HVM comes across, I want him to know I take commitment seriously.

Title	“Never tell men about your trauma”
Author	hikurangi2019
Upvotes	858
Comments	100
Date	November 10, 2021 9:35 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qr4u9y/never_tell_men_about_your_trauma/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/never-tell-men-about-your-trauma.1084794 https://theredarchive.com/post/1084794

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