Where does the idea of "men are the gatekeepers of commitment" come from?

ace52387 · 2023-08-11T15:29:58+00:00

Men are often the gatekeepers of one specific level of commitment; marriage.

Beyond the whole element of tradition, women tend to want to get married sooner than men, especially if they want kids, which often creates this dynamic.

wtknight · 2023-08-11T15:02:43+00:00

Men with options are the gatekeepers of commitment. This is implied when TRP makes this claim. They are teaching this to men who are aspiring to be the type of man who can gatekeep commitment.

TopNYJeweler · 2023-08-11T14:47:28+00:00

The claim comes from women, not men.

A few men treat them as cum dumpsters and then they claim ALL men are like that just to avoid consequences of their own choices of men.

A few points.

Women claim men don't commit and that seems to be the main complain they have about men.
Top men are the only men visible for women, so they generalize that "lack of commitment" to all men.
Scarcity. It seems women value commitment more than men. Women find engagement, marriage, etc. way more important than how men consider those things. Men are usually pushed to do those things.
As women cut most men out of dating, and consider most men ugly, obviously there is competition for those men and commitment is a delusional guarantee those men are not dating other women.

WilliamWyattD · 2023-08-11T15:17:46+00:00

It comes from when men had the money. Gatekeeper to commitment meant gatekeeper to a situation where women could get a LOT more resources and stability by marrying than they had on their own, particularly if they wanted children.

As women have more of their own money, and want children less, this male leverage in the equation has gone down in value.

Dstar538888 · 2023-08-11T16:40:00+00:00

I’d like to know that as well because if a guy is not getting sex or can’t even land a date at all, I don’t see how he would all of a sudden be in control of commitment when he can barely even find a date…

Eater0fChildren · 2023-08-11T14:36:31+00:00

It should be rephrased to say only top tier men are the gatekeepers of commitment. But it is certainly true that these top tier men are the gatekeepers, there's countless women who want relationships with them but are often only used for casual sex.

roskybosky · 2023-08-11T21:30:43+00:00

There are plenty of relationships where the woman doesn’t want the guy permanently. Whoever said men are gatekeepers (as if all women want them around forever)?

2023-08-11T18:27:07+00:00

Remind me - who does the majority of proposing in almost every society in the world?

There's a reason for that.

It's because marriage is the finish line for women. It's a man saying "congratulations, I've selected you out of every woman in the world to get my lifetime commitment of time, energy, resources, and attention."

It's why women usually don't marry down. It's why women make a big deal about weddings. It's why dowries were traditionally paid to men by the families of the bride.

Because a man's commitment is the prize and there is nothing a woman can do to force a man to give it to her - she has to prove to be worthy of it.

CountMandrake · 2023-08-12T00:38:38+00:00

There is actually a movement of women here in Reddit that has a WHOLE subreddit advocating for young women to not cohabitate with men and to avoid those men who do not set a wedding date in less than 3 years or so.

The "fuckboys", they call them, don't want to commit and make wedding plans? Somehow It seems like an epidemic of emotional unnaviable men taking advantage of lonely women and using them as "bangmaids" and "step-girlfriends".

The drop in marriage and birth rates suggest to me that men are not proposing anymore, and this leads to less family stability and commited relationships, which in turns leads to less babies.

There is no shortage on women crying about men being "commitment-phobic" these days.

Do you see many men proposing and being rejected?

I'm sure there are a few I mean, but there are too few that, in the cases where it happens, soon they get plastered all over the internet and become a meme.

Men are being acused by women of suffering from "Peter Pan Syndrome" in the mass media. There is no homologous syndrome for women.

In fact, if anything, the only thing men acuse women of is whoring around and not being "marriage material" anymore.

It makes sense that if women are bitching about not getting commitment, being that the institution of marriage is something more women than men tend to gravitate around, then men are in some way "gatekeeping" their commitment.

If it's all men, or just an small fraction of them, it's irrelevant.

The truth is, women are not getting the commitment they want from the men they want, hence, making men the gatekeepers of commitment.

The "rebranding" of old order monogamous relationships into more lax and not clear at all "situationships" is another funny sign... I've never heard a man use the term "situationship" before, it's always women.

I mean, you don't need to run a huge public pool to figure out which gender is more intrested in casual sex encounters VS which one wants marriage and family stability. That knowdelege is pretty much out there and anyone with a brain cell can give you, more or less, an accurate answer.

Feminist narrative of women not wanting to be opressed by their husbands anymore and refusing to have traditional families is not strong enough to bash all those "where are all the good men gone" articles over the internet and the covers of the women's magazines.

Slyfer_Seven · 2023-08-11T15:31:51+00:00

Because more than likely if a woman is attracted to a guy and sleeps with a dude, she would like a relationship with him, but he makes the call as to whether that happens or not...

Soloandthewookiee · 2023-08-11T14:51:20+00:00

If someone possesses a child-like belief of how adult relationships work, then it's easy to come to that conclusion, just like "women are the gatekeepers of sex."

2023-08-11T15:32:43+00:00

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januaryphilosopher · 2023-08-11T15:01:55+00:00

You just looking at things in terms of casual sex displays the problem. Most women don't want casual sex. Most women want commitment. No, not casual sex with the chance of a relationship some day, but someone who intends to have a relationship from the beginning. Many men want casual sex and then possibly commitment afterwards. Competition to actually commit is low for men and often they won't commit to someone they don't see as special.

Gari_305 · 2023-08-11T15:39:25+00:00

But what of this commitment notion?

Simple, it comes from a man's time and energy, he puts forth in the said relationship.

Any male whether high value or not can divest his time away from a woman in a relationship.

The less time and energy he puts in a relationship, the less commitment he for the relationship.

Ayaka_Simp_ · 2023-08-11T16:05:35+00:00

I think a better phrase would be: men are the gatekeepers of marriage. Nowadays, women control sex and commitment. The only thing they can't do is force a man to marry them. Chad is the gatekeeper to all 3.

TheIncredibleHarry · 2023-08-11T16:16:51+00:00

Men are the gatekeepers to commitment.

Women choose the man but we choose whether or not we want to commit.

Safinated · 2023-08-11T16:48:43+00:00

Women complaining about lack thereof 🤷‍♀️

LowCreddit · 2023-08-11T22:18:22+00:00

Billy Beta gets to determine the standard for marriage. There's not enough Chad to go around, and even with birth control and abortion, women don't want to live alone forever. At some point, women have to go to Billy and convince him that they are good candidates for marriage or be alone forever.

You can see this playing out in the marketplace even now. Every young man today has heard some version of TRP. Even if they don't agree with it, the 30 year old men today are much less excited when their high school crush DMs them. Because of this, young women are changing their behavior. At the very least, young women are telling people they are having much less sex. Women are getting together and telling each other not to fall for fuckboys and how to secure providers on FDS and its spawned communities.

Most_Read_1330 · 2023-08-11T23:38:50+00:00

No idea. Women control everything.

macone235 · 2023-08-12T01:54:32+00:00

Look at this way. If the man cheats or leaves, it's his fault. If the woman cheats or leaves. it's also his fault.

Men are expected to fulfill two roles that comes together to form a committed relationship.

A man ultimately decides how much commitment is involved from both parties.

Over_North8884 · 2023-08-12T08:31:14+00:00

It's just supply and demand. There's more men seeking to have sex than women available to have sex with, and there's more women seeking commitment than men available the commit too.

tendrils87 · 2023-08-11T15:11:29+00:00

Because men, given the option, want to have sex with as many women as possible. Women, given the option, want to have sex with the best man. They are competing sexual strategies.

CptKillsteal · 2023-08-11T14:46:03+00:00

" Even the top dogs have to make moves if they want casual sex, it doesn't fall on their laps that easy. "

I don't agree with this. If you are perceived as the top dog. Women will do all the work and actually hit on you or you just have to say "Hey" basically. I can tell you this from personal experience. The problem is that all the woman are going for the same few men and these few men are gatekeeping them.

Comfortable-Dare-307 · 2023-08-11T16:23:26+00:00

Women are less likely to commit long term then men. Women are more likely to get bored and cheat. This claim that men don't want to commit is not true. Women just seek out the top 1% of guys who will not commit and ignore the 99% who desperately want a long-term relationship. Women get a few losers and assume all men are like that.

ReasonablePlenty5548 · 2023-08-11T16:18:21+00:00

There’s a certain type of woman that can get sex from men, but can’t get into a relationship to save their lives. They are often ugly-to-mid physically.

I call these women Inpros (involuntary prostitutes), they get used by men above their league for sex and then get ghosted. Their body count is probably somewhere in the 100s but no one, not even themselves, really knows.

This idea comes from the Inpros.

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2023-08-11T19:15:33+00:00

This was years ago so things might have changed but when I was online dating, it was the men who said they were looking for something serious and want to get married that were getting the most messages. I don’t know what the women they were talking to are like but it was pretty clear that the serious guys had more options. So I think there is some truth to it.

-snickerss- · 2023-08-11T14:27:39+00:00

Well, I have never heard that before.

But to be honest, most men aren't gatekeepers of commitment. Neither do they have the luxury to be a "gatekeeper".

Like you said, that idea probably comes from top men not wanting to commit to most women.

But these men are 10% of the total amount, not a representative sample.

You have to realize that those are the type of men women are attracted to. So that's why they are seen as a representative sample.

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-08-11T15:43:54+00:00

I think it came from guys who's girlfriends kept pressuring them to propose. Personally idgaf if I get married so meh. I actually prefer being a girlfriend because it means I'm sexier and more desirable than a wife 😅. At least that's how I see it.

JNRoberts42 · 2023-08-11T15:36:32+00:00

Revenge fantasy. Men want commitment, they don’t want to risk another man stealing a woman away and they sure don’t want to share.

In my experience men are desperate to impress and monopolize all of a woman’s time as soon as possible.

GYN-k4H-Q3z-75B · 2023-08-11T15:58:32+00:00

It's a dumb red pill idea. It's obvious that women. Are the gatekeepers of sex. They wanted to tell men they have something exclusively as well, so they settled on commitment.

That's wrong though. Commitment is something that both sides want, and it's still much easier for women to step out of it pending opportunities to do so. Men are not the gatekeepers of anything.

Mrs_Drgree · 2023-08-11T14:57:25+00:00

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EverVigilant1 · 2023-08-11T15:39:46+00:00

It's a vestige of old relationship practices where commitment = marriage and the man decides who gets his ultimate commitment.

TermAggravating8043 · 2023-08-11T16:32:45+00:00

My guess it’s because traditionally the man would propose marriage which was the offer of a secure home, money etc

Nowadays things are very different and marriages are rarely done for security but it’s still fairly the norm that the guy will propose

Highonuppers · 2023-08-11T16:32:46+00:00

I’ve never had that problem, men that I’ve dated wanted a committed relationship

JumboJetz · 2023-08-11T16:56:21+00:00

Because men are generally the ones who propose marriage and get down on one knee, it is their decision on when or if to get married. This is where it comes from.

Bouldershoulders12 · 2023-08-11T19:02:19+00:00

From the basic premise that the man a woman wants long term controls whether or not she will be his wife. Men do the proposing and claim whether or not they are official.

A woman saying that’s her man vs a man claiming a woman proves it.

Whereas women control sexual access which is what men desire. Only difference is men dont have as many qualifiers as women when it comes to casual sex or relationships.

Women are more picky therefore their options are more limited and if you’re finite you’re more valuable and become the gatekeeper

Trying to say men who can’t get dates can’t talk about being gatekeepers of commitment is rhetorical because that’s already implied. We already know women only go for the best. You can’t compare apples and oranges. With women it’s quality, for men it’s quantity. A lot harder to find quality when there’s more of you around

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-08-11T19:22:26+00:00

Because most women don’t want just casual sex. It’s not always the case, but it’s assumed that if a woman is having sex with a guy, she probably wants commitment at some point. Or she may not even be willing to have sex with him until he commits. Many men obviously want commitment too, but if a woman is willing to have sex and give him “girlfriend benefits” without it, many would rather not and keep their options open. For women, sex without commitment is risky from an evolutionary perspective.

dumbbitchcas · 2023-08-11T19:40:15+00:00

I mean it comes from women’s experiences. Men won’t commit unless their light is on (cab theory)

2023-08-11T20:09:21+00:00

Women have a smaller window on their fertility that’s where it comes from

lolthankstinder · 2023-08-11T21:06:41+00:00

Dating for most men is like wandering through the desert looking for an oasis. The two most significant choices men make are whether or not to approach the oasis, and whether or not to stay at the oasis. Men are always on the lookout for an oasis and are extremely realistic for approaching oases so that decision is pretty trivial. Is there water? Yes? Okay let's go check it out. Thus, the biggest decision men have to make is whether or not to stay at the oasis or go back to venturing through the desert.

In other words, most men do not get the luxury of being super selective because women are so insanely initially selective. It's so rare just to find a bare-minimum attractive woman willing to give you a chance that most of the time you're just focused on getting a chance and you worry about the rest later. When you get a chance, it's too rare of an opportunity to pass up so you feel things out and have to ultimately decide if it's worth staying. This makes men tend to be the "gatekeepers" of commitment because they aren't as easily able to get into something casual and be selective prior to "committing" (since many women will not give an average guy the time of day unless there's some promise of commitment tacked on).

TSquaredRecovers · 2023-08-11T22:25:50+00:00

Where on Earth are you guys getting this notion that only 10% of men can get casual sex and then go onto find relationships? Where are you getting this data from?

2023-08-12T00:47:49+00:00

it takes two to be in a relationship 🤷🏼‍♀️

basedmama21 · 2023-08-12T05:33:46+00:00

Men traditionally provided assets and protection. My husband worded it beautifully. He said he wrote a pros and cons list about me. Once he realized the cons were trivial (I like my toilet paper roll facing any which way and I don’t squeeze the toothpaste neatly all the time)

He realized he was making the right choice in marrying me. Apparently other exes had red flags that made a marriage impossible to consider. Which is fair.

2023-08-12T09:11:37+00:00

Applies to hot men only. Average male wishes he had that much control. Don’t mistake proposing as a sign of power on his side, avg woman can find multiple men desperate enough to buy her a ring.

Narrow-Currency-8408 · 2023-08-12T11:44:21+00:00

Tip girls are the gate keepers of marriage too. I myself am a mid girl, so alwsys believed basically what the title states. Till i met a bunch of pretty girls who girls said "I cannot stop men from falling in love with me" These women are single and successful (not sleeping around, just career focused). Men are literally falling at their feet begging them to marry them. It's just the circle of life. If you're not conventially attractive, you don't get chosen.

gopher_glitz · 2023-08-13T17:59:40+00:00

I've never heard of a woman being a commitment phob

2023-08-15T04:17:49+00:00

Women happily chose to be the gatekeepers of sex, evident since they still do it in our “equal” society. Men were formally forced to gatekeeper relationships traditionally whether they wanted to or not. Now it’s an unspoken/informal rule since women don’t choose to make the first move even though they technically could since there’s no stigma keeping them from doing so. So men even in a free for all are STILL forced to get the worse end of almost every stick. It’s like men are built specifically to make women happy, but evidently women are not even slightly built to do the same for men. Fucked up world whether traditional or post modern.

Mrs_Drgree · 2023-08-16T10:58:55+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Where does the idea of "men are the gatekeepers of commitment" come from?
Author	ricar426
Upvotes	39
Comments	262
Date	August 11, 2023 2:16 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/15oa4nq/where_does_the_idea_of_men_are_the_gatekeepers_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/where-does-the-idea-of-men-are-the-gatekeepers-of.1228267 https://theredarchive.com/post/1228267

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