I know that asking you this question at all is probably insulting to some degree and I apologize for that. Please be patient with me, I'm at my wits' end here and I just want to make it make sense.

Whenever I talk to women about their dating app strategy, and why so many women seem to end up on dates with idiot men who make stupid unforced errors that I and the guys I know who struggle in dating would not make, it always comes back to the following: we end up more matches than we know what to do with, and when we choose which ones to respond to, we choose the most attractive ones. Which would explain everything neatly - why so many frustrated men get ignored by their matches despite doing everything the right way (they must just not be that hot), and why dating apps aren't a panacea for women's dating woes despite them having all the power.

But there's a glaring hole in this explanation - you know you can just... not do that, right? If you're gonna filter out all but the top percentage of your matches then why not choose the ones with, I don't know, the most compatible personalities?? Presumably these guys are still attractive enough, given that you've already matched with them.

Some might answer "well, you can't get a good read on their personality through their profile, so you might as well just pick the guys with the best photos." Which is a reasonable enough strategy, but if it's not working for you, why not try something else? A profile (and texts) aren't the best way to gauge someone's personality, sure, but they're something. And as a woman you have the opportunity to go on lots of dates and collect lots of data about how men act in person vs. what's on their profile/how they text. Surely with enough data you can start to make reasonably accurate predictions, right?

Another potential answer is "the guys who are friendly and respectful aren't exciting enough." And maybe that's true, maybe the guys who are boring over text are also boring in person, I wouldn't know. But, again - if that's not working for you, why not try a different approach? Maybe try going for guys who are less flirty over text, you might end up going on more boring dates but it seems like you'd at least get assaulted less. And I know that choosing men who bore you a little over text seems like a counterintuitive strategy, but can you really claim to be struggling if you haven't even tried thinking outside the box?

Because from where I'm standing, it seems like you guys just don't want to change your approach; that the solution is right in front of you but you can't be bothered to try it. I don't want to believe that's true, I'd much rather believe that there's something structurally wrong with dating apps rather than women being universally stupid and/or lazy. But you gotta give me something to work with here because things seem to point in the direction of the latter and that scares me. As far as I can tell, despite being prioritizing profits over user experience, the apps are still doing their job. It's the people using them that are the problem.

And this brings me to probably the most common answer - "it's the algorithms! They incentivize you to choose vapid hot guys." Which to me is the absolute most damning thing a person could say - like, this is just transparently dodging accountability for your actions. Yes, the algorithm put those guys in front of your eyeballs, but it didn't make you go on dates with them.

It's like how when you walk into the grocery store, all the sweets are in front of you in the most reachable, eye-catching spots. Is it tempting? Of course. Is it predatory of them to take advantage of your lizard brain to sell you unhealthy choices at a profit? Absolutely, and no one would blame you for occasionally buying some. But you don't throw your hands up and say "well, guess I have no choice" and grab 100 cupcakes instead of buying dinner. You walk past them, because you're a fully grown human being with the agency to resist temptations and you're more powerful than your most primal urges. If you really want sustenance, you're gonna make it to the produce aisle no matter how many donuts they put in your way.

At the end of the day, three things are true:

  • Good guys (and I mean genuinely good ones, like the types with women friends who agree he would make a great partner) who aren't conventionally attractive are struggling on dating apps
  • Women en masse are claiming they "just want a good guy" and he doesn't have to be conventionally attractive
  • Said group of women is not finding said group of men despite them both being on the same apps

Now, here are the possible explanations I see:

  1. Women aren't trying very hard to find them (or they are but they're too incompetent to figure it out)
  2. Women are lying about the "he doesn't have to be conventionally attractive" part (or are not self-aware enough to know their own preferences)
  3. It is genuinely hard for these groups to find each other in the dating app era

I've heard a lot of convincing arguments for #1 and #2 already, but if you believe in #3 I'd like to hear you out.