Useless at 50

ComplexDetective2770 · 2025-07-12T08:01:27+00:00

I'm 45, was together for 10 years and married for 3. I initiated my divorce a week ago. So my advice might not be worth shit, except to say I was flying solo before this.

Guys need a purpose.

Get involved in a local volunteer group, where you can focus on doing something productive and constructive. Guys need social connections, but the best way we get that social connection is when it is a side effect of doing something purposeful.

You'll make friends, you'll have a reason for being, and you might just find someone new.

My volunteer life (I'm a volunteer firefighter and emergency worker) is my life support system. Genuine people who I literally trust my life to, who will be there if I call them day or night. And the self-esteem boost I get from actually doing something productive is huge.

Confidence is attractive, and in my limited experience, ironically you're more likely to find someone new when you don't think you need someone.

deserthominid · 2025-07-11T21:54:00+00:00

Be careful, the longer you live without a woman in your life the less likely you are to ever want one again. Solitude becomes an addiction. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

FuriousSasquatch · 2025-07-10T23:51:31+00:00

Man, im in the same boat. Late 40s. Burned a solid 20 years on my ex. Don't have the energy or the time to waste on women. Trying to keep my head above water while taking care of my house and being 50/50 for my son consumes pretty much all free time and available resources. So maybe its just a defense mechanism to protect my ego. Women just aren't on my radar at all. No urge to fuck, no urge to even speak to them. Seems I've just shut that part of my mind down completely. I can certainly understand and wish you the best. There are a ton of guys on here who have been through it can made it out the other side. Perhaps someday I will as well. For the time being mostly in a survival type mode.

Adondevasroja · 2025-07-10T19:12:24+00:00

Man- I feel you. Im @50 as well. My ex cheated on me with guys who I literally laughed at when I found out about them bc I was head and shoulders above them in every conceivable category. I too lived to care for her etc. it wasn’t about me, she cheated bc she had a bottomless need for validation; anyone could have fucked her no matter how pathetic. In the aftermath of my divorce I lost my job due to layoff and my kitchen flooded.

There’s hope though. At my lowest point I focused on therapy and getting my mind right so I don’t repeat the same mistakes- both in myself and in my decision making. I got a new job after a long stint of unemployment. It’s not perfect but it pays my bills and I’m also in the running for some significantly better ones. I started my kitchen renovation and it’s moving along well.

When I was ready to date I was pleasantly surprised at the women who were interested in me. I went out with probably 15 women; mostly first dates, some 2-3x and invested some time in a couple. None were the right fit but I had a lot of fun. Then I somehow hit the dating lottery and found a damn unicorn- never married 35 yr old with 1 kid. She is kind and caring. Shes reciprocal. She has a good career (not seeking a sugardaddy.) she doesn’t want any more kids. She has a good relationship with her kid’s dad (I’ve met him.) She never got married bc she wants the same kind of loving relationship her mom and dad have and never managed to find a guy she thought could measure up to the example she saw. She’s made her mistakes in the dating and relationship world and has learned from them. She knows my whole story (one of the few who do) and doesn’t hold it against me. A couple of months ago she told me she has never seen long term potential in a man until she met me and we had our first serious discussion about what a future could look like. We both agree that it’s a long road to thinking about getting married (years) but this is worth investing the “let’s find out” time in.

Doesn’t hurt that she’s petite, ridiculously attractive, and looks like she’s in her late 20s and might be the most fun girlfriend I’ve ever had. My friends think she’s great. Her friends think I’m perfect for her.

Good things DO happen and the only way to find them is to do the work, be the best you that you can, and get out there.

Only saying this bc I know the guys on this sub will get it- I don’t go seeking to run into my ex but I almost hope I do bc the upgrade is blindingly evident. According to mutual acquaintances, my ex’s new bf ain’t exactly killing it in any category.

Same_Common4485 · 2025-07-10T10:49:46+00:00

49M and my past experiences and bad choices in women surely colour my opinion but whenever I meet a woman I immediately ask myself what issues she has and if she is looking for someone to 'rescue' her, and if she has an expectation that I should be willing to ease her financial burden somehow, bcs that is her view on a relationship. Probably being to paranoid, who knows.

Legitimate-Move-444 · 2025-07-10T02:13:32+00:00

Brother. Not all women are terrible. Your ex didn’t deserve you. I’m 49. Got divorced a few years ago. My ex and I just grew apart and were making ourselves and our kids miserable. Ex and I are way happier. Kids are happier. I’ve been dating an awesome woman 15 years younger than me for 2 years. Never been happier with a woman before. It’s easy to fall into a trap thinking women are awful but it’s not the case. We are all struggling in this insane modern world. Everyone has some baggage. At 50 you are hitting your prime. Go out there and try to find that next person that you can share time with. Travel. Do new shit. Being alone is the way to madness and despair in my opinion.

AggieDan1996 · 2025-07-09T19:05:03+00:00

One thing that I found... You feel kind of discarded and thrown away. You're a good person that was treated as though they were trash. Guess what. It happens to women, too. Is there gonna be baggage? Sure. But, look for those that have your same kind of baggage... and/or same level.

My new wife is a divorcee with two kids just like me. Her previous husband stepped out with a coworker who he has now married. Did we both have trust issues? You fucking bet we did. But, we have GPS tracking through our phones to each other and can unlock each other's phones.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2025-07-09T17:34:07+00:00

Start listening to Man empowering podcasts. You need a masculine boost, stat. If you don’t know where to start, I suggest Mark Sing. He is usually a dating coach, but his stuff on masculinity is incredible. I also suggest Jordan Peterson. Take your masculinity back and your life back.

Go look at some great butts in yoga pants in the gym while getting more fit yourself.

Most women cheat because we became “too nice”. Fuck that.

BlueHarvest17 · 2025-07-09T14:18:19+00:00

I think the secret here is to focus on YOU first, not finding someone else to make the center of your world. Make you the center of your world. All you have now is time and what to do with it...as the saying goes, you can get bitter or you can get better. Work on getting better.

I'm 58 and in the process of an unwanted divorce where I thought my family was everything. I currently have no interest in dating and, guess what...that's totally fine. Maybe I'll never date again. Maybe I'll find someone who's better than my last relationship. Maybe I'll start seeing lots of people. Who knows? But first I'm going to work on myself.

It's not easy. There are triumphs and setbacks. But that's where I am and I'm going to do my best with it. I think I'll be okay as long as I keep that attitude.

ng_rddt · 2025-07-09T12:33:15+00:00

Many men feel useless after a divorce because we made the mistake of making our ex wives the focus of our life.

You know this. Kudos to you for diagnosing your illness. Now can you take the medicine to cure yourself? Can you rebuild a life which involves you becoming the man you want to be? Do you even remember who that is?

l3tsR0LL · 2025-07-09T12:04:48+00:00

Similar situation. What I did differently was trying to date. I think I wanted to see if someone else would be interested in me.

One_Mathematician864 · 2025-07-09T11:20:46+00:00

I think you need to find purpose and stop relying on having a "woman" to gauge your worth.

At 50 you're still pretty young and have at least another 25 years to go. Make it count. There's plenty to do around the world that doesn't revolve around women. And at 50, you can still start fresh and have a new family with kids if you want to.

And if you come across a woman who's worth it, then give her a chance. But you won't get anywhere being sad and all. Get some therapy if you must.

You chose wrong despite your best intentions. It happens even to the most successful men out there. It's not because you suck. You just made a wrong decision blinded by love. Dust yourself off and try again. Good luck.

ExpiredPleaseUpdate · 2025-07-09T10:10:10+00:00

What was so great about your life with her?

I mean, she obviously wasn't in love with you, based on the fact that she was looking for affection elsewhere, so you didn't have that. What was it that you had and that you now miss?

smooth-vegetable-936 · 2025-07-09T06:24:26+00:00

I think most women at that age just have given up on watching their diet, working out etc. if I ever date anyone, I have to go with younger women.

modernmanagement · 2025-07-09T03:35:38+00:00

I too have stared into the void of meaninglessness. Camus says we face three choices when confronting the absurd. One is to stop being, which ends the story. Another is to rebel, to strive and overcome. The third is God. That’s the path I chose. It draws me into service with others who suffer. It puts my own afflictions in context. No need to date or worry about hitting the gym. And it offers new meaning. Not in escaping pain. But in redeeming it. Just some thoughts to ponder.

NewDay0110 · 2025-07-09T02:37:46+00:00

The revulsion to women and dating after going through a divorce is completely normal. I completely lost sex drive for a while. Find yourself a new purpose. Travel, learn a new skill, indulge by yourself. Do things that you couldn't before while you are married. You probably have a lot of good wisdom to share by writing about it and sharing online.

robe_and_wizard_hat · 2025-07-09T00:49:54+00:00

I'm newly separated at 49 for similar reasons and man, I hope your situation works out. It feels like the one I'm on the path to experience, but I read through the threads on this post and there's a lot of solid advice here that I'm going to heed.

Ok_Coconut2973 · 2025-07-09T00:26:54+00:00

Date younger women

frogmicky · 2025-07-09T00:23:43+00:00

Youre not useless, you need to change your mindset and I know its tough. Its been 2 years since you've divorced, have you even looked at other women. Have you downloaded some dating apps. Im not sure where you're at but I've never noticed so much skin since the temps have broken 80 degrees. If women in your age group aren't responding date younger women. Someone probably has suggested it but have you thought about getting a therapist to help with your confidence.

klink12 · 2025-07-09T00:19:23+00:00

r/Pattaya

FUMoney · 2025-07-09T00:13:17+00:00

Hire professionals. Unlike the backwards U.S., this is legal and acceptable in many parts of the world.

UnimportantOutcome67 · 2025-07-09T00:06:10+00:00

57M.

I filed on her after I found out she was a ho' and a covert narcissist undergoing a mid-life crisis with a substance abuse problem layered over the top for kicks.

That was August of last year.

As far as the marriage was concerned, I left it all on the table and had nothing to be ashamed about. I'm a good, if flawed, man, a good husband and a devoted father.

I started dating in November.

Dated seven women, of various ages and degrees of beauty.

I've been with the seventh since mid-February.

She's got baggage, I've got baggage. Her X is a narc as well.

We understand one another's background and issues. We communicate well.

Where it all ends, who knows?

But she adds value to my life and I to hers.

TDiddy2021 · 2025-07-09T00:02:58+00:00

Write one book. Take it from there.

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2025-07-08T23:46:32+00:00

60M. Ex divorced me after 35 yrs. Marriage was stressful and my three adult children all said I would be happier. I have a lot of peace, but am bored. I have an important job but work from home.

I agree with your assessment 100%, and don’t intend to date. Have passed on opportunities. The financial and emotional risk isn’t worth the potential reward.

In the event that a total unicorn falls from the sky, I will consider that. Until such time, nope.

Known_Paramedic_2967 · 2025-07-08T23:35:53+00:00

I really needed to hear this out of not feeling alone. However, I feel terrible that you are going through it. I am 55 and was married for 30 years to my HS sweetheart. I learned that she had an affair with her best friend’s husband. So she destroyed me and her supposed other best friend. Now I am alone and trying to figure out what to do with myself.

SteveSan82 · 2025-07-08T23:32:18+00:00

Date younger. My current girlfriend is 20. My coworker is 57 and his wife is 32 and they just had their 3rd kid.

Able_Buy_7859 · 2025-07-08T23:23:09+00:00

Brother, I feel all of this. I'm 48 and I'm done with all their bullshit. It's a struggle. You wake up everyday wanting women, but the cons outweigh the pros by a landslide. It's not even close.

Enigma_Colchonero · 2025-07-08T23:19:00+00:00

Start traveling abroad.

Expand your horizons.

Start weight training.

Update your wardrobe/hairstyle /beard

Turbo boost your hygiene.

jimmycrackcode · 2025-07-08T23:14:28+00:00

If you are relying on someone else to be in your life for it to feel complete and be happy, you have other problems.

omegared138 · 2025-07-08T23:13:19+00:00

I'm still working on getting mine finalized. I'm a few years younger than you, but I agree I have no interest in dating or any of the drama that comes along with it. My time is mine.

Zealousideal_Try_864 · 2025-07-08T23:05:53+00:00

I’m two years out and a few years younger.
No dates.
No problem.
Living my best life.

pandatitanium · 2025-07-08T22:58:57+00:00

I get it. Who wants to f with all of the divorcees who probably did the same BS to their ex and now want to live their best lives. Gross.

OogyBoogy_I_am · 2025-07-08T22:57:07+00:00

I'm 60 and have a few friends my age who like you are single.

Some have been single for a long time (talking multiple decades) and some are newly single like you. And all of them are not just enjoying their lives, but are thriving.

Some throw themselves into work, others their kids, and yet others just life in general. The key to all of them is that they are just busy with their lives. All are not interested at all in ever dating again and whilst some have female friends, all of these are more acquaintances than "friends". They all see that there is simply too much to lose to ever get into another relationship so they simply don't.

So to give you an example. One close friend who I used to volunteer with has been single since his divorce almost 2 decades ago (he just turned 70). And like you, it was fairly traumatic and yes she cheated on him. So because of that he has absolutely no interest in ever dating or getting into a relationship ever again.

And he is busy - so busy that to catch up with him you have to book a couple of months ahead. If he is not out hiking, he is volunteering. If he is not volunteering he is off with other single mates from his army days doing trips, visiting music festivals or just chilling on one of his side projects. The guy is just living his life.

Like you he struggled initially which lead him to volunteering as a means of getting back that social side he lost when his wife of 20 years walked away to be with her AP. And he has never looked back.

The key to what you are struggling with right now is that you need to fill that "her" shaped void with new things or with things from your past that put aside because of "her". They can be new routines, new hobbies, new interests. And as I said, they can even be old neglected interests, old neglected friends or things that you once liked but that she never did.

There is so much to be said about just staying single and being the only person on your journey. Sure if someone wants to join you on that journey you can be open to it, but they have to handle their own shit and their own baggage and fit in with you, and not you fit in with them.

Get busy then mate. Start enjoying your life and put the past in a box and chuck it in the back of the cupboard. That all means diddly squat now.

Nothoughtiname5641 · 2025-07-08T22:54:23+00:00

Relax man! I'm only 10 years younger than divorced, I've had some fun ladies not all of them that pretty and one that i just blocked cuz she's nuts. You'll be fine, get your groove going and find things that you enjoy. The women come, and of them really cute and emotionally mature!

jkw118 · 2025-07-08T22:47:28+00:00

So 1st off.. I'm 48.. Divorce started a 10 years ago, took 8 to finalize it.. And I am dating now.. But I've flat out told my gf their's no guarantee we'll marry ever.. Maybe we'll live together..

As to another woman... the question is what do you want? you don't want baggage.. fine most ladies don't either..

And you were more then likely burned a bit from the now "ex"

That all being said, the question ends up being what do you really need and what do you want?

And if you do a dating app, be upfront about it, and that ie marriage/whatever is off the table.

I actually ran into this where there were about seven ladies I'd gone on dates with, where they basically floated between guys.. One had a guy for each day of the week, and had a gf or two where it was the same.

She was literally trying to get me to be her "main" stable guy, and have other guys pick her up at the house for her to do dates/weekends with.. In some ways if I had another lady or two to float around with.. aside from the possible STD's etc.. I could see myself going with that for a bit.

Non committed really, get what you feel you need, and if it's not bail..

I did not follow that, because I've got 3 kids, whom live primarily with me. Last thing I need is having 2 or 3 "female friends/mommies" and a few of they swap out, and randomly get picked up by other guys... I know I'd get jealous.. And wouldn't be happy with it as well.. But that's me.

Their's also a lady or two I'd met who was like hey I'm moving to x apartment, their's an apartment next door.. When your kids are in college move in next door.. And we can be fwb and help each other out..

Step back from everything and decide what you feel you need to feel satisfied with life, and to an extent help you as you get older.. No offense, but I'd like to have someone at the house when I turn 80 and miss step and fall or something stupid.. So they can help get my pants on me before the medics show up.. LOL

TrueLies__ · 2025-07-08T22:47:19+00:00

Man I'm 39 and I feel this way very much.... I have tried all the bullshit possible. Idk man,... I wish you all the best. Idk myself how to really keep putting one foot in front the other.

Teeko253 · 2025-07-08T22:40:28+00:00

I was married 12 years and found out she was having an affair. You mentioned your age as if it’s too late. You can still get in the best shape of your life, try new things , and you can meet a good woman out there who will worship your body damn near, don’t let one slut ruin it for you. 25 years of the same routine, so when it ends your comfort zone is shaken up, invest , get that motorcycle you always wanted, maybe even get closer to God and go to church, this isn’t the end.

stent00 · 2025-07-08T22:23:48+00:00

There no guidance to men that say you have to date.. I did for many years and all it git me was single mommies with issues you just mentioned. I'm much happier single being a lone wolf.... im not looking but wouldn't object to meeting someone in person and OK if I never meet.someone. Just be comfortable in your own skin. Do your own thing

whoisgodiam · 2025-07-08T22:23:29+00:00

That’s why you date 20 year olds with less baggage LOL

KeyRefrigerator6368 · 2025-07-09T17:24:44+00:00

Good thing you didn't jump in front of a train for her.

Confident_Ask8782 · 2025-07-10T03:54:44+00:00

You’re not useless, brother. In fact, you have so much value, you just need to tap into it. Life isn’t defined by whether or not you have a woman by your side. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you to explore and enjoy.

Start doing things that light you up: pick up a hobby, dive into a project, hit the gym and get in shape, grow your income, travel to new places, volunteer your time, make a kid smile, reconnect with an old friend, plant a garden full of fruits and flowers, or take a trip with your boys.

If you feel like dating, there are plenty of amazing women out there. But build your life first. Fill it with meaning, joy, and growth—everything else will fall into place from there.

Learn to truly enjoy your own existence and company. It is possible. You will be always miserable otherwise.

Title	Useless at 50
Author	beachfishin
Upvotes	120
Comments	90
Date	July 8, 2025 10:19 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1lv257x/useless_at_50/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/useless-at-50.1556661 https://theredarchive.com/post/1556661

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