How quickly widowers move on from their wives shows that they don't see women as people, just bangmaids

_Agrias_Oaks_ · 2022-01-07T23:25:44+00:00

Just to throw a glimmer of hope out there, my mom died a year ago and my dad is still in mourning for her. She had cancer for almost two years before she died and in that time my very stereotypical Boomer dad took up all the cooking, cleaning, and animal care. He arranged all my mom's doctor visits and chemotherapy sessions; he even retired early to be a full time care giver. For all that new and unfamiliar work he was doing, I never heard him complain.

He loved her so, so much, and I hope everyone here finds someone who loves them that much.

orangechickengeneral · 2022-01-08T02:36:05+00:00

Yes. This is true. I know at least a dozen men who moved on after their wife's or partner's death at the speed of light.
Quite often they start dating someone new while the wife is still alive but very sick. Someone in my hometown who was married for 40+ years, got remarried within 1 year after his wife's passing. He presents himself as a pillar of the community, has a very reputable job and career and is active in his house of worship.
Now his FB bio says "So happy to be in love with New wife's name"
🤮
It's like those 40+ years of relationship didn't matter! The late wife did her job and now it is time for a new model "appliance" to use until he dies.

Yet when I look at the widows that I know, hardly any have remarried within the first 5-7 years after the husband's passing, or are still single. Many are genuinely and deeply grieving their loss.
Men and women are not made the same. We are just not.

djfrankenjuice · 2022-01-07T21:44:54+00:00

I find in a lot of older men (who have been married most of their life) when their wife’s die they move on quickly in part because they don’t really know how to take care of themselves.

My mom and I were just discussing the menopause change in women that was posted here earlier and we pretty much went straight into this topic. If she was single tomorrow, she’s fine. She might need help with random technology but she has adult children that help her with those minor things and it’s not worth a whole relationship. She already did the big things in life and had a partner for those times and now she’s just hanging out.

When her mother died, her father moved on fairly quickly and all the adult children had to fly out and help and realized he didn’t know how to do very basic things

Alpha_uterus · 2022-01-07T22:09:53+00:00

Can confirm.

Source: in my pre-FDS days I married a widower (17 years older then me) whose wife, unknown to me, had died earlier that year. I of course knew he had a late wife but was lead to believe she had passed a long time before she did.

Fun arguments included in the marriage are (but are not limited to) :

"why don't you bake me cakes to take to work, she always did"
"have you ever cleaned the toilet in your house even once since we started dating, or did that somehow become my job"
"you should have hired a maid instead of getting married"
"can we please do something with her clothes so I can have some closet space"

modern-medusa · 2022-01-07T23:30:58+00:00

Former hospice volunteer.

Yup.

What they don't get is that you really should not date when greiving. But men don't care, they're happy to unload onto an unsuspecting woman and use her as a free therapist.

I lost my sister tragically (well, all death and grief is tragic, and valid) and I'm not ready to date. I am still raw, triggered easily, I cry at the drop of a hat or a whiff of patchouli (her signature smell. She was an adorable quasi hippie).

(I know better than to not date. Why? I'm vulnerable and men are predators. They also lack empathy, can't read the fucking room, and are socially inept)

But of course widowers are happy to date... Emotional labour diggers. Why get yourself straight when someone is going to be your mommy and pacify you? Why be your best self/ back to normal (my goals) when someone else will just sweep your peices into the dustpan and attempt to put you back together?

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-01-07T23:32:31+00:00

“started dating the nurse who was looking after his mother…only a week after his mother died”

All the sympathy and condolences to your friend, but he only found out about the relationship after his mom died. Which is bullsh-t behavior on his dad’s part. I get that prolonged illnesses mean the surviving partner grieves the end of the relationship sooner, but come on: show some f-cking decorum, widowers.

Sallou9 · 2022-01-08T00:06:15+00:00

It was always bitterly ironic to me, as a gay woman, hearing it was "a waste" for a woman to be gay. Because heterosexuality is the largest scale waste of anything, ever. Women are wasted on men and they absolutely do not deserve them, collectively.

Makes me both sad and angry

melympia · 2022-01-07T21:56:16+00:00

This pretty much proves the "wife as a home appliance" theory floating around here these days.

If the home appliance breaks (permanently) or threatens to do so, you go to the store and get a new one (or look for the next model you're going to get).

Tell me how men quickly getting back into dating is any different for them, I challenge you. If wife breaks down permanently (divorces him or dies), he'll get a new one ASAP. If she threatens to break down (is very sick with a serious chance of dying - like cancer...), he'll look around for the next woman he'll try to date.

Edited for spelling

cml678701 · 2022-01-07T21:28:34+00:00

It’s ridiculous! I had a friend in school whose dad I’m friends with on Facebook. Anyway, his wife tragically died over the summer a few years ago. They had been married probably 40 years!

For a few weeks, all he could do was write about how much he missed her. I felt like their marriage was deep and genuine.

Then, suddenly, he was talking to one of my former teachers a lot online. She had lost her husband around the same time, so I figured they were friends being there for each other.

However, about a month or two after his wife’s death, suddenly he meets a woman who literally looks identical to his wife, and is taking kissing pictures with her!!! They had a whirlwind romance and married within six months. It is just disgusting! It would be less disturbing if they didn’t look identical, but it’s bad either way. I honestly wonder why she is down for it!

Also, I found out he had asked out my former teacher around that time. She said no, and was there for him as a friend, but…geez!

I feel like it’s so horribly dismissive and disrespectful to the wife he built a life with!

Davina33 · 2022-01-07T22:15:02+00:00

Sadly this doesn't surprise me. My grandfather had an affair with my grandmother's best friend. When my poor grandmother died of a thyroid storm at only 37 years old, my grandfather promptly moved the best friend in. Then he put my mother and uncle in care because my grandmother's best friend didn't want to take care of my grandfather's children, only hers. That hurt has carried on to us all.

VineStGuy · 2022-01-07T21:54:03+00:00

I think a big part of that is men don’t have deep friendships with other men. They watch sports or go bowling. They don’t talk about deep feelings. They do that with their wives/girlfriends. They can’t be vulnerable with each other. They only find it acceptable to be vulnerable with women. When they lose a wife, they’ve lost their emotional support person. This is the driving need to fill that hole. Women don’t experience this because they do have deep friendships with other women. They’re emotionally fulfilled.

bioqueen53 · 2022-01-07T23:27:08+00:00

My grandfather didn't even wait until my grandmother was dead to move on from her. Starting dating a younger woman, called himself a widower while his wife painfully and slowly died of cancer.

I'll mention this scenario when I start getting to know a guy, to see if he will denounce that behavior. If he doesn't, I kick him to the curb.

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-01-08T04:09:43+00:00

Pattan Oswald gave his wife/ mother of his daughter the illegal med cocktail that killed her then remarried before her body cooled off.

fds_throwaway_4_u · 2022-01-07T21:03:04+00:00

It sure does. Men should be ashamed.

AmeliaEmiliaEmma · 2022-01-07T22:14:49+00:00

My grandfather died when he was 42. My grandma was also 42 when that happened, she is 78 now. She has never dated another man.

curlyhaiir · 2022-01-07T22:53:11+00:00

My dad died 7 years ago. My mom has never dated any other man and doesn’t plan to. My dad was her first love and he will always be her number one. She says what does she need a man for? They only bring problems. She earns her own money, she’s always been very strong and vocal and very independent; she has a great relationship to all of her children and her grandkids. She said she will never meet a man like my father and she doesn’t trust a stranger around her children. If the roles were reversed my dad would be the same. Despite his stressful job, he always took great care of us(he was a great cook) and did chores without telling him. They simply complemented each other.

mandiefavor · 2022-01-08T01:12:46+00:00

A former friend’s wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer when their daughter was two, online he acted the part of the doting spouse - posting about how tough she was, shaving his head to support her, taking her to all her appointments… Meanwhile he’s hitting me (and other women) up via messenger about how hard it’s been for him because he has sexual needs that his wife can’t meet. You know, his wife who is dying of cancer. He couldn’t just wait a few years? Anyway, it really grossed me out. I stopped responding to him. She died when their daughter was like five; he moved his “new” girlfriend in six weeks later. Everyone was posting their congratulations and how it’s good to move on. It seemed clear to me he had that chick lined up before his wife even passed. It sickened me. Deleted and blocked.

Technical_Moth248 · 2022-01-07T23:54:53+00:00

You are correct. I’ve seen people throw out “Men get remarried fast after their wife died because they love being married! It’s a compliment to their late wives!!!“ 🤪 Immediately looking for a replacement is not a compliment. They are doing it because they cannot be alone and in a lot of cases literally cannot manage a household or cook for themselves. That might be a good reason why they “love being married”, but it does not mean anything good or romantic about their late or current wife.

I noticed I had a message request a couple days ago on fb from a man that apparently saw my face and “knew” he had to speak to me and see if I would let him take me out. I went looking through his profile and saw that not only is he the same age as my MOM and trying to go out with someone who was widowed when I was barely old enough to drink, but his wife died TWO WEEKS AGO. I normally would just block but I had to ask him if he really thought he was healed enough to attempt to date or if he was just trying to fill the space. It must’ve offended tf out of him because he called me a b*tch and suggested I hadn’t dated in the year since my husband died because no one is interested. (I guess he’s no one lol?)

I have no problem attracting men and I think I would like to remarry one day, but I just cannot imagine being with someone else so soon. Most people aren’t even over a dead pet within a week much less your spouse and parent of your children 😳

ALISHAISHERE123 · 2022-01-07T21:32:39+00:00

Didn't Patton Oswald get with his current wife within months of his last wife dying?? How is that not suuuuuper weird.?

apommom · 2022-01-07T21:53:45+00:00

My father remarried within 2 years of my mom’s sudden death. They were married over 25 years and did not love each other.

sheokay · 2022-01-08T04:20:10+00:00

Have you seen the recent post about this guy whose wife is mad at him because when she asked him whether he’d remarry if she died, he said yes, and now he’s whining because she’s stone walking him? Because I’ve been thinking about this for days.

s_slayer · 2022-01-08T01:24:32+00:00

I truly don’t think I can be with another man if my boyfriend (someday husband) precedes me in death. He’s lit up my world, he’s truly an angel on earth. I’ve been in enough relationships with LVM. I’m done rolling the dice. I’ll be like the woman sleeping with his photo on my nightstand for the rest of my days. My grandma was widowed in her 40s, lived to be 85 and never dated anyone in 4 decades. It’s true that men move on faster given the opportunity. They aren’t too picky either. The sooner they can replace the old bangmaid, the better. And some women sniff out new widowers too, it’s disturbing.

Japanese_Lasagna · 2022-01-08T04:47:21+00:00

My grandpa died about a decade ago, and some family members have tried to convince my grandma that she should date again, but she has no interest. She was with my grandpa since high school. They were married for nearly 50 years. She has never been with anyone else. I don’t think she will ever be with anyone else. He was her one and only. I don’t think the same would happen if the roles were reversed, but it’s hard to say for sure. I just know that my grandpa did cheat on my grandma at least once.

Lady_Schmoobleydong · 2022-01-07T23:24:51+00:00

I think another issue is that women are often scorned for even dating after widowhood, for admitting that they miss and want sex. A friend of my mother’s who was widowed before meeting my mom didn’t remarry until her children were well into adulthood, my mom states that what you should do. She was also none to pleased when a long time family friend who lost his wife to brain cancer and was in a live in relationship with another woman a few years later, they’re still together, but my mom maintains that his wife was her friend and had a hard time picturing him with someone else. Sympathy for men, circumstances depending, but It’s always too soon for women and it’s selfish when there are children involved.

My husband says he doesn’t see himself marrying or even making an effort to date if I died, I can’t make that claim because who knows what life will bring for me.

I wonder if younger, childless men are quick to remarry as opposed to men with children, or older men. I try not to be judgmental, but come on men, optics!

queeninprogress · 2022-01-08T10:11:35+00:00

My grandmother died over 10 years ago. My grandfather never moved on and asked to be buried next to her when he dies :')

katiekat0214 · 2022-01-07T21:21:36+00:00

Can confirm. First story: my late father lost my mother rather suddenly to an aortic aneurysm back in 1980. I was 12; my mother only 48. He was lonely, and they had been childhood sweethearts. He started dating another woman a few months afterward, not out of any disrespect to my mother, but because he was lonely. Even as a child, I understood intellectually, and honestly didn't mind, since the woman was nice.

Dad and this lady talked about marriage, but eventually he called things off with her. She was in fact a gold-digger, and the fit just wasn't there between them. He took me golfing one day around age 13 (him playing, me watching, so boring), and told me he was going to marry this lady. I broke down crying. I wanted to be happy for him, but it would have been such a major disruption. He took that to heart, saw through my trying but failing to be happy for him, and called things off a few months later. Everyone -- I, older sister, older brother -- were super relieved.

He took that time, I think, to work on himself, although I honestly don't know. I was 12-15, so just a kid, going through my own stuff, my own grief and mourning, school, band, friends, etc. My sister moved out during this time, bought and renovated a house, and was getting out on her own, too. Fortunately she moved across the road; we could see each other's houses. For several years, it was just me and my dad in the house, and because he was rather emotionally ham-fisted, I learned early on not to go to him with major issues, to keep things light and trouble-free. I learned to solve most things myself, talk about major issues with friends and/or my sister, and go to my dad only as a last resort. Money, especially, set him off due to his being raised as a Depression child. He was one of those who never spanked me, but MY GOD the guilt trips. If I never hear "I'm so disappointed in you" it'll be too soon.

My father then met my now-late step-mother, and married her. They were happily married for nearly 40 years, but again, a disruption. I liked and loved my step-family, just not what I needed or wanted at 17. Soon, though, both I and my step-sister flew the nest. I went off to college; she started work and moved to her own place. (Now that my father is gone, and my unstable step-sister has all my late step-mother's furniture, I don't know if we'll ever hear from them again. We were never a blended family, obviously.) All this to say, my dad was textbook in that he needed and wanted someone around. I read somewhere that men are 80% more likely to marry again, whereas widows are about 10% likely to marry again. Actual percentages are probably off, but you get the idea.

Second story: it's now been five years since Jack's death; I divorced first husband in the 90s, so I was married for 25 years. Absolutely unwilling to marry a third time, absolutely unwilling to cohabitate with any man again. I very much like having my own space, peace and quiet, time to myself, the TV on only when I want it, the remote right where I left it, etc. I never want extra cooking, cleaning, or caretaking again. No kids by choice, damn sure don't want anyone else's kids ever. What a man could offer me is companionship, but he needs his own house. At my age, with my assets, having been there, done that, and bought the tee-shirt, being a forever girlfriend suits me to the ground. My assets will go to family, not a man. I don't want a man's crappy credit score, or his debt. I never was and never will be the social secretary, either, plus any other expected role that most women play, so I'm not most men's cuppa tea esp down here in the Deep South.

I honestly think for most men it's way more than just sex, especially since my dad and step-mother were into their 50s when they met. Men overall seem much more needy, much less emotionally capable and competent, more in need of a social secretary. It's already well-known and documented that men are extremely lonely these days. Widows just don't have these problems. We've already got family, friends, community, connections. I'm proud that after my step-mother died, my dad was finally very happy with his own company, valued his alone and quiet time, and had reached a measure of equilibrium living alone.

West-Cook · 2022-01-08T00:54:09+00:00

In contrast, there was an aita post the other day where a widower of 8 months refused to take off his ring and was not looking at dating because he still felt married to her, and the pickme OP of the thread was offended that he was “falsely advertising” that he wasn’t single. So culturally, even if a man does want to stay single and mourn his wife for longer, there’s a societal pressure for them not to and move on sooner rather than later.

thatshadywitch · 2022-01-08T08:51:57+00:00

This made me think about my dad's cousin, who was engaged to a guy who tragically died while they were in their twenties. She has stayed single since then. Women are capable of loving with every ounce of their being.

MysteriousLife7 · 2022-01-08T08:22:27+00:00

This is so painful to read. So disrespectful and worthy of every possible condemnation. I can only wish in a million lives that I’d never have to marry this kind of men and my children would never have this sort of fucked up father 😣

AnniaT · 2022-01-08T15:29:30+00:00

The father was probably already cheating with the nurse before his wife died. Disgusting.

ewokblubber · 2022-01-07T23:36:52+00:00

I don't want to discredit your great-aunt's love and life story, but have you ever considered that she might be gay? I'm not asking because I'm doubting that love like that exists, the story just really reminded me of my own great-aunt, who also had a fiance that died in WWII, and who also cited grief/still loving him as a reason for never marrying.

I'm bisexual. The first time I brought my then-girlfriend to a family party, my great-aunt's eyes went big as saucers. We had this moment of eye contact when my then-girlfriend went in to tuck some of my hair behind my ear, and I just knew. Like, that was the face of a woman who just realised the very thing that was impossible for her had become possible for her descendants, with all the mixed feelings you'd expect in such a situation.

We never talked about it and she died two years ago, but there's not a shred of doubt in my mind that that woman had no interest in men for reasons very different to her dead fiance. Not saying that is your great-aunt, too- again, I don't want to presume!- but having talked to a few fellow queer people about it, the 'dead fiance'-story isn't all that uncommon.

The_Cat_Empress · 2022-01-08T16:01:30+00:00

Just like your great Aunt my Grandma never had another romantic partner after Grandpa died in a car accident. Thing is I don’t think Grandpa was too great of a man since it was his alcoholism that did him in.

People say men die shortly after their wives or women die shortly after their husbands die.

Honestly I think it depends on how close they were. The father in OPs story is disgusting. He probably wanted to leave his wife when she got cancer but knew it would make him look bad so he monkey branched to the nurse the second his wife passed away. (Or like you said, BEFORE)

The nurse is awful too!!! JFC I feel bad for OP.

Eli1984 · 2022-01-08T11:14:28+00:00

I personally think humans are not made to be alone, BUT (!!) When your partner dies, you have to grieve, you have to "get over it" (sorry English is not my mother language, i don't know how to describe it.. what I mean is that you have to be mentally and emotionally over the death and ready to love a new person again without burden him/her with your grieve) Always have the memories and never forget your partner, but be stable to not be a burden....

I hope this makes any sense... My grandmother on my father's side never had a man again in here live after her husband died 40 years ago. I personally don't think that's good for her but she wants it that way,so who am I to tell her otherwise. My grandma on my mum's side lost granddad while in her 80th and had a boyfriend after a few years until she died. She also was happy. So moral of my rambling.... Do what ever is best for you!

Coconut975 · 2022-01-09T02:20:30+00:00

Back in my pickme days I briefly dated a widower. His wife had been more than 10 years older than him and started dating him when he was under 18 (he was an immigrant without family in this country). She was basically his mom and he asked me did I like to iron because he hated to iron.

MsWriteNow07 · 2022-01-09T09:14:05+00:00

Every day I see IRL how much truth FDS is spitting. I got two truths in one this week, 1. There is no wall, and 2. Widowers ain’t shit. I know a man in his 80s, supposedly a man of integrity, a deacon in my childhood church whose wife died about a week ago. Before the week was out, he asked my godmother (88) on a date. That’s fine. I mean it’s a hot horrible mess because his wife is not even cold in the ground, but at least my godmother’s age appropriate for him. To me, it was just another instance of how unfeeling men are UNTIL he tried to perv on my sister (20)at church. Tried to use the excuse of that fellowship church hug to cop a feel. Shit like that is exactly why I no longer believe in organized religion.

MsWriteNow07 · 2022-01-09T09:15:46+00:00

That reminds me of when a family friend died and her husband remarried that same year-on Mother’s Day weekend. And yes, they had children.

goatismycopilot · 2022-01-09T18:33:20+00:00

I lost a ton of respect for one of my high school buddies who was dating six months after his wife died from a brain tumor and engaged a year later. I think he wanted help parenting the young daughter they adopted and did not want to be alone. He was with his wife for 25 years. I always thought he was a decent guy now I hardly talk to him.

Title	How quickly widowers move on from their wives shows that they don't see women as people, just bangmaids
Author	Delilahh12345
Upvotes	1008
Comments	109
Date	January 7, 2022 8:53 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ryhmop/how_quickly_widowers_move_on_from_their_wives/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-quickly-widowers-move-on-from-their-wives.1094080 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094080

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