I know this isn’t exactly a new take. But it’s still something a lot of men need to hear, especially if they’re stuck thinking this system is going to change. It’s not. And guys need to know what they’re signing up for.

There’s this constant conversation about how dating apps are "broken." Guys are frustrated. Women complain about their options. And everyone acts like we’re all struggling equally. But if you take a step back, it’s pretty clear—dating apps aren’t broken at all. They’re working exactly the way they were designed to. And they’re designed in a way that makes men struggle.

Take Bumble, for example. When it first launched, it branded itself as the "feminist dating app." Women message first—that was the hook. The goal was to "level the playing field," give women more control, and reduce some of the typical problems on other platforms. But here’s what actually happened: A lot of women didn’t message first. Or, more accurately, they weren’t particularly motivated to. When women had to take on even a small part of the effort men usually shoulder—initiating conversations, risking rejection, carrying the burden of breaking the ice—many disengaged. Matches went stale. Conversations never started. Women left the app.

Bumble quickly realised that if women weren’t actively participating, the whole platform ground to a halt. And if women left, men left. And if men left, there was no app left. So they adapted. They quietly introduced features like "Opening Moves," allowing women to set pre-written icebreakers, which lets men carry the conversation from there. It’s a compromise that subtly makes things easier again for women, to keep them engaged. Because dating apps live or die based on the female experience being convenient and efficient. If you don’t make it low-effort and high-reward for women, they lose interest. And without women, the system collapses.

That’s the part a lot of people miss. Dating apps aren’t designed to connect people—they’re designed to keep people swiping. Especially men. They feed you just enough hope to keep you coming back, scrolling, swiping, and eventually, paying. The frustration men feel isn’t a bug in the system—it is the system.

On nearly every app—Tinder, Bumble, Hinge—it plays out the same way. The vast majority of women are highly selective, leaving most men to compete for a tiny fraction of attention. This imbalance creates scarcity. Scarcity creates desperation. And desperation is profitable.

There’s no "fix" coming for this system. Because this IS the system. You’re not supposed to win. You’re supposed to keep playing.

(Once you understand the game, it’s up to you whether you want to keep playing it. Personally, I think men should at least consider stepping back and focusing on building a life that doesn’t rely on these systems for validation or fulfillment. But that’s another conversation.)