Realistically, what qualities would make you overlook a conventionally attractive man for an unattractive one?

waffleznstuff30 · 2025-03-12T17:42:04+00:00

I would preface this by saying I would absolutely not date someone I find unattractive. It's not fair for them and it's not fair to me. I don't want to tolerate ones existence because they are generally good natured. That to me, is cruel and ruins a kind person for someone who could really appreciate them.

If we are talking two men that I am roughly attracted to. One may not be as hot but still cute.

I would say what would push him to being absolutely desirable. And like would blow the hot guy out of the water. Would be consideration. Being considerate of me. Remembering the little details about me. Making me feel seen and appreciated. And consistency being consistent about seeing me and making time for me. Like that would make it. And being able to relate and show interest in things with me.

ThatBitchA · 2025-03-12T18:05:36+00:00

If I find a man unattractive, he's unattractive, and I'm not interested in him.

The unattractive wonderboy isn't attractive. The asshole isn't attractive either.

such that you would choose the less attractive man over the more attractive one?

I'm never choosing someone I'm not attracted to.

Nellylocheadbean · 2025-03-12T18:27:55+00:00

Absolutely nothing

ZoneLow6872 · 2025-03-12T17:27:29+00:00

So is the 2nd man less attractive or *un(attractive? Because your post says both and that is a difference. My husband is not conventionally attractive, but his kindness and wicked sense of humor made me take a closer look and I find him cute. I was not the only one, other women dated him, but no one would look at him (or me) and think he's gorgeous. The personality made me stop and think, but I wouldn't date someone that I didn't find attractive; I mean, would you?

justdontsashay · 2025-03-12T17:37:34+00:00

Actually unattractive to me? Or just not conventionally attractive in the ways defined by society?

I’m not going to date someone I’m not attracted to. But I’m very capable of being attracted to a man that others might not find as attractive.

Tylikcat · 2025-03-12T17:30:32+00:00

Interesting conversation, especially interesting conversation that includes an intellectual connection. That's the biggie.

His voice, and his hands. It's less a certain timbre of the voice, than its resonance. And less how his hands look (as long as they aren't gross) than how they move.

Oh, and how he moves more generally - I was envisioning a sitting down sort of social, where that was less likely to show up. Good balance and spatial awareness as a start, though "would be a fun sparring partner" is a huge plus.

Bitter_Rose2 · 2025-03-12T17:53:26+00:00

Nothing because I 'gave an ugly man a chance' once.

He was a gem in the beginning, then he started abusing me.

Never ever again.

PracticalControl2179 · 2025-03-12T19:57:25+00:00

Nothing. I am unattractive so I naturally gravitate to unattractive men because they are my looks matches . Can’t say the same about men. Men tend to fixate on looks, not women. Men are the ones who will always overlook a less hot woman for a hot woman. Regardless of their personalities.

leosandlattes · 2025-03-12T18:42:26+00:00

If I think he’s unattractive I will never date him ever. If he’s just less attractive but I still find him attractive, then it comes down to whoever is funnier, flirtier, and whose life goals and vision aligns with mine.

Fagitron69 · 2025-03-12T17:47:15+00:00

The thing I don't like about these types of questions is that they almost always insinuate that women go after the most conventionally attractive man by default. The reality is that "most attractive" doesn't translate to "every single woman's type". Like for example I personally prefer short stocky guys, which doesn't really fall into the "conventionally attractive" stereotype. And there are many such cases, every woman is different. So to answer your question... Lots of qualities would. Humor is a big one, being able to make me laugh is very attractive no matter what. Kindness and supportiveness are pretty high up there too. Responsibility is always sexy as well. I really could go on forever tbh... Just be a good person.

Tweezers666 · 2025-03-12T17:29:54+00:00

Money and sexual chemistry. I’m a simple woman.

S0yslut · 2025-03-12T17:46:45+00:00

Idk one of my exes was unattractive facially but it took me a long time to see him as something more and he was very fit and perfect personality wise. We were also best friends for a long time before dating. So it developed naturally and I’m not sure it would have ever worked out without the long friendship we had. It also helped that the more attractive men around me at that time had things that turned me away like being an intellectual light weight in comparison or were known to engage in causal sex and I preferred someone more intelligent, modest, humble and trustworthy. He was just the guy I enjoyed talking to and spending my time with out of everyone so it eventually dawned on me I should date him.

MyLastBestChance · 2025-03-12T18:44:42+00:00

Nothing.

Attraction is, at its roots, absolutely binary for me. Someone is or is not attractive to me. I’ve truly to develop attraction for unattractive men that I really liked and it just doesn’t work and isn’t fair to either of us.

Within the “attractive to me” category, there are certainly levels, but my individual perception of those levels changes based on how I feel about the person and someone’s behavior or personality can instantly denote them into the “unattractive to me” group forever.

The “unattractive to me” category is a no-go zone for romantic interaction, regardless of any other qualities.

toasterchild · 2025-03-12T18:51:09+00:00

I'm not really into conventionally attractive men. Most men who are touted as very attractive so nothing for me. That said i can't imagine going for someone i think is actually unattractive. There is a bar you have to pass to be a consideration.

I prefer quirky looks myself. Long hair, an original sense of style, a big nose, just something not generic.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2025-03-12T18:52:02+00:00

If I find him unattractive, nothing. If I find him attractive, but he's not conventionally attractive, being fun and pleasant to be around goes a long way.

fuckitall007 · 2025-03-12T18:58:04+00:00

He has to be funny. Making me laugh multiple times a day is absolutely non-negotiable. I married the funniest man I know.

He also has a lighthearted view towards life and reminds me by example to not take everything so seriously. He’s disciplined as well.

xLuna2 · 2025-03-12T19:19:10+00:00

If I'm not attracted, then I'm not attracted. Entering a relationship with a man I'm not attracted to will make both of us unhappy in the long run.

Sophiatab · 2025-03-12T19:36:28+00:00

Character, kindness, and intelligence. If the unattractive man was more moral than the conventionally attractive man, he would definitely be the one I would pick. Kindness and an eagerness to help others or otherwise make the world a better place would be another tipping point in favor of the unattractive man. Also intelligence, I think it would be very difficult for me to be married to someone I couldn't have an intelligent conversation with, so a smart unattractive man would be vastly preferable to a dumb conventionally attractive man.

Plane-Image2747 · 2025-03-12T20:26:03+00:00

I wouldnt date anyone im personally not attracted to. And theres never been a time in my life where someone has done "made a change about themselves" to cater more to what they think im attracted to.

Ive had guys do this to me, and I never even noticed they were trying to change to get my attention, it wasnt until 2 of them told me (one in a very annoyed way lmaoooo which is dumb af)

I dont hold this standard for making friends, I am friends with all sorts of people. And I can care very deeply about a person, and that care isnt somehow 'diminished' because i dont want their peener in me.

Siukslinis_acc · 2025-03-12T20:27:58+00:00

I assume by "unattractive" you mean "conventionally unattractive", so it would be in the same category as "conventionally attractive".

For one, I don't find many conventionally attractive people attractive. Like ryan gosling is meh. And I'm able to find at least one physical feature attractive in 90-80% of men.

Qualities that give bonus attractiveness points, which can turn a meh man attractive:

Eloquence (I'm still smitten by John Rhys-Davies after hearing him talk at a comic-con)

Manners

Joy

Liking other people

Handymaness

Calmness

Also, an attractive person loses attractiveness if constant cussing, negativity, hate are coming out of their mouth.

attendquoi · 2025-03-12T21:45:58+00:00

I would never date someone I find unattractive. Full stop.

OkSun6251 · 2025-03-12T21:48:17+00:00

Amazing personality and rich. There still has to be some attraction. But I’ve definitely become attracted to less attractive men because of their personality and our connection getting to know each other. Add to that the ability to make me a SAHM and live my dream and I’d have been sold.

thelajestic · 2025-03-13T00:29:54+00:00

Well I'd need to find them attractive, even if they're not conventionally attractive. When I was younger, I quite liked two guys I worked with and they both liked me. One was tall, slim, defined jawline, probably what guys here mean when they say conventionally attractive. The other was short, obese, with a huge crooked nose. He's the one I went for. While he probably isn't seen as conventionally attractive, I found him very attractive. I thought his face was handsome, he had nice eyes and a great smile, I liked his cuddly body.

Personality wise we just vibed better as well - it's not really anything about qualities. We just had more chemistry, had more of an easy manner together, clicked better.

RelativeYak7 · 2025-03-13T03:47:01+00:00

I would never date an Adonis looking man if he was any of the following: religious, timid, judgmental snob, bisexual, loves fighting, criminal, polyamorous, short. I'd be happy to have a less attractive man with none of the above attributes.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-03-13T03:52:14+00:00

Hot/rich/powerful/famous men get away with shitty behavior and attitudes

That is extremely unattractive to me

But mercenary women do not care; it’s the price of doing business, after all

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2025-03-13T04:40:00+00:00

if I'm attracted to a man he's attractive, I wouldn't be with a man I didn't find attractive. that doesn't mean others would. I don't understand going out with a man I find is UNattractive

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2025-03-13T07:08:31+00:00

Either you FEEL it or not. You must have the spark. It's not that you choose to overlook. If so you are settling for convenience. And chemistry is not a about being conventionally attrative, everyone has different type. It's more about "vibe". There just have to be spark/chemistry between two people.

And I'm not willing to overlook it, if I don't feel genuine desire for him I'm not going to settle for convenience.

Elliejq88 · 2025-03-13T17:45:10+00:00

Compatibility and chemistry (which isnt just looks, its a vibe and a general feeling). These are huge factors in relationships this forum really leaves out but shouldnt.

A man can be more conventionally attractive, it does not mean I will feel better chemistry with him. He may also not be compatible with my personality, core values and disposition.

Traits that are compatible with me that would make me choose a less "conventionally" attractive man

-Type B or inbetween Type A and B (I cannot stand Type A or neurotic people for close friends or romantic relationships)

-intellectual/curious, open to new experiences

-emotionally warm and empathetic

-not too judgmental or critical (everyone is judgmental about some things, I just mean judgmental about most things)

-humble

-inbetween very extroverted and introverted (Im in the middle and both extreme ends frustrate me)

-religious but not obsessive about it

-has a goofy and random sense of humor (think Jake Peralta from Brooklyn 99)

-healthy but not a gymrat so not obsessive about it

-can communicate easily. I'd rather take an overcommunicator than the opposite where its pulling teeth to get them to talk. I've learned over time I prefer secure attachment people or people who lean anxious attachment. Disorganized or avoidant attachment is a no.

-liberal or liberal leaning values socially and fiscally

-Not a huge spender or obsessive frugal person. Again, I'm in the middle leaning more frugally and both extreme ends of this frustrate me.

Please note I dated alot in my 20's, so alot of this list comes from dating different types of men and knowing what works for me.

My husband who I can easily be myself with meets all of these too.

SquirmingAddict · 2025-03-12T17:39:45+00:00

Truthfully, I'd examine the type of life I would have with the unattractive man.

Does he have the money to support me and maybe our children? Is he kind enough, or am I going to have to put up with bad treatment?

I could get past being with an unattractive partner if he were to sufficiently improve my life in other ways.

It's the same thing for being with an attractive man with no finances. He's improving my life, just in other ways.

Fancy-Statistician82 · 2025-03-12T20:10:13+00:00

My man has a bald head and does not have a square jaw. He is, however, incredibly fit, reliable and active in certain fields that impress me (gardening native plants and energy responsibility with early investing in photovoltaics 25 years ago before that was a common thing) so I married him and we made some kids.

girlypop_xo · 2025-03-12T17:36:07+00:00

At the end of the day it’s all about how he makes me feel. I love a guy who makes me smile, brings out the best in me, and makes me feel good about myself. Someone who’s supportive, genuinely interested in me, and kind not just to me but to others too. It took some maturity to get here though. I don’t think I would’ve felt the same in my early 20s but now that I’m in my late 20s, it resonates with me so much more

Training_Hold_1354 · 2025-03-12T18:34:04+00:00

If he’s incrediblyyyyyy smart. Like smarter than most people I’ve met. I find bizarrely intelligent men superrr attractive. Status, money, deep emotional connection, quick witted and likes a bit of play/banter, understands his charisma. Appropriately assertive (just because I’m very direct myself so I like to have balance in the dynamic). Genuine kindness and philanthropic interests. Funny, supportive, phenomenal communicator, likes to choose what we eat (balances my indecisiveness in particular areas). Sexual chemistry and patience for it to build (it takes me a bit to get there and feel safe with intimacy). Mutual comfort in being vulnerable with each other. Consistent effort.

ezbyte · 2025-03-12T18:03:03+00:00

I have 3 avenues an ugly man can take to make me overlook his face. #1 Be funny, #2 Be tall with a sexy body and a hung dick, or #3 Be charismatic, chivalrous, and generous.

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Sonia314 · 2025-03-13T07:14:22+00:00

Passion for learning, passion for self improvement, shared hobbies, altruism, the kind of kinky I’m into, good at sex, doesn’t want to start a family too soon, excited about his career, good communication skills, sexual chemistry, empathy, quantitative mindset, well read, challenges me, high decoupling, is excited about me, good mental health, etc.

Really, once a guy meets the roughly average bar, in practice looks don’t matter for me because these other things are so much more important than looks and so hard to do well. The roughly average bar is essentially just not being too overweight. Being short or having an ugly face are the kind of things I can get over if his personality is stunning.

blebbyroo · 2025-03-12T17:28:12+00:00

Having more in common with the unattractive guy, like genuine interests that lead to more engaging, fun conversations and banter. I’m assuming the other guy also has a good personality and I get along with him too so the conversations have to be extra good in this case. Making me Laugh more also falls into this category

Better job or lifestyle, this can be an important boost.

Get along more with his family / or the other persons having a family I do not like/ get along with. I dated seriously a guy whose family I did not get along with- never again. Creates problems. I’m a family oriented person and will want to be around my partners and my own family a lot.

More alignment on future goals- hot guy doesn’t want to get married and have kids? All good for him but I do.

Title	Realistically, what qualities would make you overlook a conventionally attractive man for an unattractive one?
Author	idoze
Upvotes	10
Comments	168
Date	March 12, 2025 5:18 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1j9pbzh/realistically_what_qualities_would_make_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/realistically-what-qualities-would-make-you.1546352 https://theredarchive.com/post/1546352

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