Women develop crushes outside their relationship all the time. Considering no actual cheating, how should men react to them?

NockerJoe · 2021-10-06T08:07:56+00:00

I think its generally one of those things thats a faux pas to bring up. If either partner gets a brief crush I think the generally expected behavior is that they don't mention it, don't act in it, and refuse any advances from that person.

Notanothrshitthrow · 2021-10-06T08:00:35+00:00

After spending substantial amount of time on reddit I noticed that it is very common for a woman to develop feelings towards her SO’s friends.

Don't use reddit relationship advice threads as a basis for your worldview, it's not a reliable or good source.

To answer your question though, it would be dependent on what my GF says but I'd most likely just break up with her. As long as you're not married with kids, if you encounter an issue like this bailing is usually the smartest bet.

BrodieDharma · 2021-10-06T08:04:44+00:00

The best form of trust is to base your trust on your realized chemistry & compatibility & get to the place where you’re so satisfied in your dynamic, that you’re not worried about what they do when you’re not around.

After that is established, tougher conversations become easier.

UrFoodMolestedMyNose · 2021-10-06T08:53:50+00:00

They only thing you can hope is:

You’re dating a woman smart enough to hide it untill she gets over it.
she breaks up with you instead of cheating

xFallacyx69 · 2021-10-06T11:41:51+00:00

There’s a difference between women being attracted to someone else and actually wanting to date someone else. Crushes are for school girls.

Look up a “secure” relationship style. It’s kinda bloop and dumb in its explanation, but basically you need to be comfortable breaking it off with a chick who’s eyes are always moving to the next target. Just cuz it was your turn to be with her doesn’t mean she’s gonna be good long term. You need to next any chick that makes you uncomfortable with how she treats/ talks to other guys (as compared to you).

It’s not an exact science, but that’s why we date and learn what we are/ are not comfortable with from our SO.

My way of sorting this out is just nexting any chick who consistently does things that I wouldn’t do because my moral compass wouldn’t be comfortable with it. It sucks short term, but I’m not staying with a chick that ain’t bringing equal energy.

You can’t prop up a relationship by yourself… many dudes have tried, and many dudes have come home to their wife riding/blowing some other dude who gives 0 fucks about her.

xQueen-Bx · 2021-10-06T11:29:42+00:00

yeah lol the innocent angel men "fight" their urges to cheat all the time

Throwaway18077 · 2021-10-06T15:39:11+00:00

I don’t get this post. How are you going to suggest divorce because a wife has a “crush” meanwhile it’s normalized for men to check out other women, masturbate to other women, etc.?

ilovepetya · 2021-10-06T08:33:34+00:00

I try to empathize by imagining myself experiencing the equivalent of what my boyfriend might experience. Have you tried doing this?

So let's say you have a girlfriend. But you notice an attractive woman. How do you feel? I'll guess you probably don't care that much about the attractive woman, she's just something nice to look at.

How do you feel when you look at your girlfriend? Probably like she's a cute dork you want to kiss and squeeze and do all this future stuff with. It's a totally different, comforting feeling.

One is appreciating aesthetics, the other is appreciating your partner at their core. It's like that for women too. So this so what's going on, and it's nothing to worry about, and a responsible partner will not engage any further than necessary.

SaBahRub · 2021-10-06T15:10:11+00:00

Is this, like, a new problem or something?

Newsflash - I promise you that all genders throughout history have lusted in their hearts, if not in the flesh

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2021-10-06T08:45:45+00:00

Has a married woman myself I can say I never had a crush on my husband's friends , however when I'm not working and home my husband is very attentive and we do lots of things together, So I find very few men actually attractive nowadays. Don't get me wrong I will look at somebody ,and think yeah he's good looking, but then go on with the rest of my day, I don't really think anything else about it.

I'd say if you're forming crushes on other people's friends, or just other people in general , then you're not happy with the relationship. It's lacking something.

Edit . Maybe try counseling. Figure out what's lacking. More than likely it's a lack of communication.

jiimmyyy · 2021-10-06T09:21:45+00:00

I don't really care, as long as they don't pursue it. There are so many people that we meet in our lives, we're bound to develop feelings for some of them, whether we're already in relationships or not.

Freevoulous · 2021-10-06T11:23:08+00:00

as long as it does not affect our sex life and other practical matters, shrug and move on.

Worrying about other people's feelings all the time is pointless.

AquaChip · 2021-10-06T11:44:48+00:00

Do you mean like a crush on a celebrity? I don’t know of many women who would confess to having a crush on a man who was actually obtainable to them.

And you called yourself very jealous and egocentric in the first sentence so I think you may have some idea what you might need to do. Go to therapy perhaps.

HardlyKaren · 2021-10-06T11:48:12+00:00

Meh, it wouldn't be a problem unless my wife was flirting with a man or obsessing about him. My sense of self doesn't depend on validation from my partner, and my life doesn't revolve around her.

I've always taken care of my body, but I know I'm nowhere near as facially attractive as the most attractive men around me. I have an ugly mug, and there's nothing I can do to change that. When it comes to looks, I can't compete with a modelesque man who has exotic features.

However, I believe my wife has more brains than to act on her impulses, which is why I committed to her in the first place. Plus, I also know she would rot away if she hurt me.

That said, I can't control her actions, and I would promptly divorce her if she made any moves on a man.

wtknight · 2021-10-06T12:05:44+00:00

My wife and I only have celebrity crushes a lot this point. But, when crush’s exist, they are a good thing because they usually show weak points in a person’s character that the other person should work on in order to make their partner happier. If it’s something that is not improvable, then it is important that a couple be attractiveness matched to begin with. I mean, my wife and I might both like celebrities who are better looking than either of us, but it’s not like we could ever successfully attract people of that level of attractiveness into relationships, so it’s more like pointless fantasy.

If there are non-celebrity, available people that a woman is constantly fantasizing about, then I think that could eventually be a problem. Similarly, if men are fantasizing about non-celebrity women in a “non-threesome” way, I think that that could be a potential problem too. But relationships are supposed to be a road to eventually finding that right person. Just because one is in a LTR, rather than a marriage, doesn’t mean that one should expect it to last forever.

superlurkage · 2021-10-06T14:42:16+00:00

If men’s crushes were sex based only, men would never leave their partners for another woman

Novadina · 2021-10-06T17:48:42+00:00

Who would actually tell their partner about this though? I have been in a relationship for 15 years, I’ve had one or two crushes in that time. But my marriage is important to me, I would never act on it. I just ignore it, and eventually it passes. I wouldn’t tell my husband, or anyone else - it’s just my own private thoughts. And I don’t want to hear if he has a crush either (men get crushes too, and can certainly be very attracted to other women not their SO).

If you want to break up at the drop of a hat it’s difficult to have a long term relationship.

jordan_form · 2021-10-06T23:17:48+00:00

look at chris watts, his relationship with the other woman was so complicated that he had to kill his beautiful current wife and his children in order to move forward with this other relationship. the guy could not just get a divorce and he wasn't some rich guy whose wife would take everything.

men have fucked up crushes and relationships with other people all the time.

rredirt · 2021-10-06T09:32:39+00:00

Let them live lol who doesn’t develop crushes? Psychopaths

happy_petite_spartan · 2021-10-06T07:56:36+00:00

I think women are generally much more centered and grounded when it comes to sexuality, sexual attraction and affairs of that nature. Of course you always have outliers but if we could quantify it- the mean of women vs men having a more centered nature towards sex and related- would be higher for females. Sex simply isn't as desirable to women as it is for men when it comes to LTR, the same way that ambition & power in a female isn't as desirable or attractive a quality for men as it is for women to desire in men.

It's not difficult for a woman to acknowledge that other males are attractive and briefly appreciate that quality of another person while simultaneously understanding that they love their partner deeply and are focused only on their partner and highly sexually attracted to their partner. It's not necessarily black and white, I think women have a stronger core with these things and while in one sense can admire sexually attractive or attractive qualities of other people (both men and women) they have commonly a better stability about it and it doesn't create sexual urges or desires the way it may generally occur for men. This would mean that women don't act upon acknowledgements that other males have attractive qualities and would also mean that even if they did have attractive qualities it's generally not valuable enough to women for women to develop sexual urge.

ilovepetya · 2021-10-06T09:58:51+00:00

Who cares. And how would I even find out? Everybody has crushes, just keep that shit to yourself and everything’ll be fine.

Playful_Art_5364 · 2021-10-06T10:22:07+00:00

Don’t act on it and don’t tell me about it

TomorrowsWar · 2021-10-06T10:29:35+00:00

You’ll never know who I’m crushing on. I’m discreet and ignore my crushes when I’m in a relationship. I go through crushes quickly

gkom1917 · 2021-10-06T11:52:10+00:00

I guess it's individual, sorry for lazy argument but it's true. "No actual cheating" can become actual cheating. Or it can not. But the latter requires much self-control and conscious decision to value relationships more than "other options". Many men can do it, so at least dome women are able yo do it too. But if you can't already 99% trust your partner, it's more rational to rely on Murphy's law and consider calling it quits.

jbo99 · 2021-10-06T13:08:38+00:00

I don’t understand this position at all. Men in relationship develop crushes too and sure as shit have sexual feelings for women outside their relationships. But similar to craving fatty foods or wanting to be lazy we say no to those instincts and focus back on our partner and for a ton of us things turn out just fine. It’s hard to be monogamous across the board but people end up deciding it’s worth it and that’s all that matters. I guess it depends on how deep the crush is but man I think everyone in a long term relationship is going to develop feelings for someone outside of it and that’s to be expected

SonicBackScratcher · 2021-10-06T13:36:12+00:00

People usually give advice to wait it out, to talk about it and so on. But is that really healthy and leads to happy relationship?

Yes but only if their SO isn't jealous and egocentric.

If you want to be happy you are going to have to pretend in your head your SO will only be attracted to you forever. This is of course a lie. Women sometimes want to believe the same lie as can be seen in the "Why do you look at porn!" type feelings.

Know in any relationship the other one has thought of getting plowed or plowing someone else.

And btw, I do realise men are attracted to other women too. I just feel like men fight this their entire life and men’s ‘crushes’ are purely in a sense of ‘I would bang her’, while women on the other hand, tend to develop these crushes that are both emotional and physical, much more complicated.

Same deal though, women just get hot differently than men. As a guy a nice body and a yes is literally all it takes for most to stray, women usually need more "connection" which IMO is just needs to show more of the usual status thing which turn women on (confidence, intelligence whatever floats that boat).

Same thing though.

How should one deal with his wife’s crushes?

Non-judgmentally but with the understanding that acting on them is fatal to the relationship.

catsinbananahats · 2021-10-06T13:45:16+00:00

Men develop crushes outside relationships as well. I think as long as neither person in the relationship acts on that attraction it's fine.

Insidious-Sid · 2021-10-06T17:28:37+00:00

Women have emotional affairs all the time. This is not cheating.

Why do women lock down their social media accounts so carefully?

Because they don't want their partners to know who they are talking to, and what about.

A man watches porn (two strangers having sex) and that's cheating.

A man doesn't want to have sex with his wife and masturbates instead. Cheating.

The rules for men and women regarding cheating are different.

Again, we revert to "he is accountable, she is not".

That's the double standard men need to accept if they want to have LTRs with women.

Lux_e_Tenebris_ · 2021-10-06T19:15:58+00:00

I‘m not a jealous person so for me if the partner wants to cheat, i can‘t do something against it. If they want it, they‘ll do it and if not not. If the partner is fantasizing about another women or man i can‘t control it, thus making it not worth thinking about. Sure i would be sad as fuck if my partner would act on the fantasy and cheat, but again out of my control

Ruben_the_Fish · 2021-10-06T19:26:13+00:00

I used to do this a lot- get crushes on other men. I was not in love with my partner and I desperately needed someone to love, so I formed deep attractions to other guys and fantasized about them or dumped my BF to be with him. A lot.

Now that I am actually in love and happily coupled up, this never happens. I got my quest reward and there is no more quest.

Flightlessbirbz · 2021-10-06T19:55:00+00:00

I think a distinction needs to be made between a passing crush and actually wanting to be with someone else (an emotional affair, basically) but only staying because you’re married or have kids or something. Crushes are inevitable when you’re in a relationship for years, but that doesn’t mean you actually wish you could be with that person instead. You might not even know them well enough to draw that conclusion. Usually it’s just as fantasy-based for women as for men imagining fucking someone they have no real intention of cheating with. Of course if one person really does want to be with someone else, then the relationship is over.

passepar2t · 2021-10-06T08:29:31+00:00

Dread game her by developing crushes of your own.

NarniaFox · 2021-10-06T10:13:17+00:00

We do? My husband and I have been together for more than 7 years now and the only time something similar happened was when we both got into my female friend. We discussed everything together and decided not to act on it though and it just...passed? She's my dearest friend, but I don't want to have sex with her anymore.

Overall, I think it isn't something for you to deal with, it's something that your partner should deal with. I guess if they decide to talk to you about it, things are serious enough to consider breaking up. So you either break up or you work on your relationship trying to revive it. I'd guess that couple therapy could help too.

I don't think I could be happy knowing that my partner has a crush on someone else, but I'm not sure that it would mean a divorce. If waiting out wasn't helping or if they weren't avoiding that person and instead kept digging this crush, then I'd think about separating.

backcourtjester · 2021-10-06T08:53:37+00:00

A. You need to work on yourself if you are admitting to being jealous and egocentric. You are at least aware of it and that is a good start

B. Men absolutely do develop crushes beyond “I would bang her”

C. Open relationships exist. If you’re in a marriage and still happy with each other but are drawn sexually to other people, that is probably pretty normal

Sudden_Molasses3769 · 2021-10-06T09:50:07+00:00

That’s not true. My husband has a few attractive friends that are my type. Know why? Because they’re very similar to my husband in personality and interests. That’s literally why they’re friends. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband or have any intention of going after any other man (esp because they have girlfriends, one of which I’ve met and love).

Ohyarlysmiles · 2021-10-06T22:42:15+00:00

I believe that a person should always act upon his trye desires and not lie.

That's a pretty juvenile life philosophy and easily proven foolhardy.

Rosifer433d · 2021-10-06T11:52:22+00:00

Men who are very jealous and egocentrric should head out to a psychologist's office and get themselves fixed, because it's perfectly natural for other men to want to fuck that guy's girlfriend, and since even the women who are married to Chris Hemsworth, Tom Brady, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Leo Messi sill find other men to be hot...

It is silly to worry about a girlfriend having crushes over another guy.

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Select-Topic2090 · 2021-10-06T09:27:19+00:00

I have been in a very bad and horrible relationship in my past and it almost cost me to loose everything to my bad ex..... i noticed so e strange moves and i wasn't feeling safe anymore, that make me get in-touch with a trusted friend that refer me to get in connect with PROCYBERNET12 via the g mail..... she assist me to get access to his device and i was able to see every of his bad plans on how to take over everything i walk real hard for...... sometimes you need to check very well who you are dealing with before you commit all your life

luckecage · 2021-10-06T09:40:40+00:00

That would be a no go for me

flamingoinghome · 2021-10-06T12:55:06+00:00

Yes, that's really healthy and leads to a happy relationship.

Yes, someone can be "considered happy," as can their partner, if they do not act on every single sexual impulse that comes into their head--just like we don't act on other impulses and it doesn't mean we are secretly unhappy. This ridiculous idea that every intrusive thought we have is a "true desire" while the things we build our lives around are, idk, "false desires", has gotta go. I was actually reading something recently by Julian Fellowes, of all people, on this.

Consider food--an even more basic and primal impulse than sex. With very few exceptions (holidays, birthdays) pretty much every day I do not eat the food I most desire. This is because it is expensive and/or unhealthy. This does not mean I am not a happy person, and often, my impulses to eat something (say, a cake covered in fancy icing designs I see in a bakery window) really is just a fleeting impulse that quickly passes, and if I'd eaten the cake, I would have almost immediately felt gross and probably wouldn't have finished it.

I can deal with my SO having a crush on someone--depending on the circumstances, even tease them about it. So long as I trust them not to act on it, they are a human being, not an elf from a Tolkein story, and I cannot expect us to only ever see each other, that would be silly.

Taipanshimshon · 2021-10-06T13:35:45+00:00

In the absence of actual cheating they shouldn't react at all

luliloo · 2021-10-06T13:36:09+00:00

I developed a crush on my ex’s friend after I saw some qualities in him that my ex was missing. So it could be a sign that there’s a problem in your relationship.

2021-10-06T14:54:03+00:00

Then you can't have a relationship, ever. Because everyone is going to crush on someone else who isn't you at some point in their life.

stlmick · 2021-10-06T15:18:24+00:00

I'm not going to stop finding other women attractive, so why should she. If it is obvious, and she does it in front of you, or the relationship isn't happy then definetly break it off. I saw that happen, she eventually broke up with me and dated that guy. I should have ended it then. It just depends on the degree of it. If one of you prefers someone else, break it off.

tonyghow · 2021-10-06T16:14:26+00:00

I believe jealousy manifests more when you know you're not compatible enough with your partner. You have to find someone who is as crazy about you as you are them. Anything less than a "Hell, yeah!" from both of you, is going to tingle your jealousy spidy-senses.

Otherwise, just break up.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-10-06T16:51:05+00:00

If she don't act on it, I don't care

yungthrowaway97 · 2021-10-06T20:43:08+00:00

Wont ever happen if you settle. I am stress free because I settled. She could go fuck a dude tomorrow and I'd just leave without a single tear shed. But I know she is too afraid to do that.

NimblyBimblyMeyow · 2021-10-07T07:26:25+00:00

It’s unreasonable and unrealistic to expect another human being to never have a crush on anyone else. I’ve had small crushes that were incredibly brief and fleeting. Never once did I think about sleeping with them, nor would I have ever dreamed of acting on said crushes. I keep my distance because I respect my husband way to much to put myself into a situation like that. I would never even imagine being upset at my husband for having a simple crush. On the other hand, just having a crush and acting on your own selfish desires does warrant action, because that’s actively going out of your way to hurt the person you’re with. I don’t think anyone could ever realistically control if they found someone else attractive.

If my husband divorced me over something like that, I would have to say that there were other issues at hand. I’m not sure how old you are, but this seems to be an incredibly immature way of thinking. I would expect this from my middle school “boyfriend”, not an adult that I’ve promised the rest of my life to.

The-Wizard-of-Oz- · 2021-10-07T07:34:53+00:00

I am very similar to you in constitution & faced a lot of the very same things you describe in you post.

This is the biggest thing that helped me overcome them - understand this & while it may seem like you're missing out on much potential, the truth will set you free:

People are apes. They will do apey things.

This includes women. They're not transcendental, enlightened entities.

They're apes. Like the rest of us. Can't change them & don't assign deep meaning / spiritual (?) beauty where there is none.

If you do this, you will suffer.

The solution to your observations is simple:

Think of a relationship as a stead supply of sex / do fun stuff together, share rent conveniently.

Reproduce.

That's it.

Stop expecting people, & women specifically to be capable of what you desire.

Don't believe them if they say they are (ie NAWALT) - THEY ARE APES. they are not in control of themselves.

Most of us like this to some extent.

All the deep meaning / commitment etc that you're looking for?

It just isn't there.

Don't become emotionally attached & you'll do fine.

& if you still want to satiate your urge for something more - go watch a few movies & read books.

That's where things like these (pure, true etc) Are possible.

But you will know the book is made up - & still be able to enjoy it.

More importantly, it won't run away with your kids & half your property.

The-Wizard-of-Oz- · 2021-10-07T07:36:20+00:00

Oh and bro.

Go read some Nancy Friday.

LOL, I was in the exact same place as you, & I already feel really bad for you.

What you put in your post?

It's quite tame.

Go read it.

Start with my Secret Garden & then move on to the rest.

You poor, poor man.

BabyOutrageous468 · 2021-10-07T12:43:24+00:00

Well people you know what?it's fine to getbody pillows and stay single

nonedat · 2021-10-07T19:21:55+00:00

No one should worry about them unless it becomes anything more than a "I'd bang her / him" thought.

But ultimately it shouldn't matter as long as you and her are still intimate with each other. If she does cheat and withholds intimacy from you, she gets the boot.

Altruistic_Wafer4398 · 2021-10-23T06:14:28+00:00

I’m the sort of person who is 100% blindly committed and in love with my partner, so much so that I literally can’t form a crush on someone else even if they’re objectively better. Even when I had to break up with my ex because he was verbally abusive I couldn’t date anyone until the memory of him faded. I can’t speak for all women but this is how I have been in past committed relationships.

Jakes1967 · 2021-10-06T11:10:50+00:00

Women develop crushes outside their relationship all the time. Considering no actual cheating, how should men react to them?

As someone who isn't jealous and believes that marriage/relationships aren't a prison, I don't react and over the years my wife has spoken of "certain attractive men".🤣🤣

Oddly, she's a very jealous person, so I don't disclose that information. 🤣🤣

DaphneDK42 · 2021-10-06T12:45:33+00:00

I don't care. Although I think its more like crushes on celebrities or some such. Anyway, I don't care.

My wife started talking about how handsome that super cringe Canadian Trudeau dude is. That was my limit. Have you celebrity crushes but keep them of a certain quality.

Liberal_On_Guns · 2021-10-06T14:09:28+00:00

If you suspect that your woman is crushing on another male, you should break things off. Why waste your time?

And you hit the nail on the head. Ask a woman: "Which is worse, having a physical affair with no emotional attachment; or, an emotional affair with no physicality?" For the most part, women view the emotional affair as worse than a physical one, if presented with the binary. Men are the opposite. Which makes sense from an evo psych point of view.

Therefore, as a man, you know that the crush is certainly not a mere acknowledgment of a man's physicality. Women can see a guy, and notice that he's conventionally attractive, and still not crush on him. She will offer IOIs to the men she crushes on, and she will offer no IOIs to conventionally attractive guys that she's not interested in. If you notice any IOIs in the direction of another male, just GTFO cold turkey.

SuperSupremeKai · 2021-10-06T17:23:49+00:00

You want to, what, police her thoughts too?

Unless you're planning to lock her up in a cell with no windows, social media, internet or any other source of men, it is more or less inevitable that she will find someone hotter, better and more attractive than you are. The only true question here is, what will she do with that "crush"?

Title	Women develop crushes outside their relationship all the time. Considering no actual cheating, how should men react to them?
Author	Lounly
Upvotes	7
Comments	210
Date	October 6, 2021 7:51 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/q2fqt6/women_develop_crushes_outside_their_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-develop-crushes-outside-their-relationship.1077114 https://theredarchive.com/post/1077114

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