Dear Nice Guy Friend

Girl here. I've been lurking here for a while because I'm interested in the psych aspect of pick-up and I have a few things I noticed about my friend.

I went out last evening with a guy I met at school last week and we decided to hang out (not under the pretense of a date). We went out last night (our third time going out together, the first time we bar hopped and the second being a short snowboarding trip up north) so there is some history to the attraction build-up (or lack of). He's a handsome guy, and he keeps fit, so I wouldn't have hated it, but I just didn't feel hot for him.

He obviously wanted to lean over and kiss me when I dropped him off at this place at 4 a.m., but he had done such a painfully terrible job throughout the entire night that I couldn’t allow it to happen. I set the pace by saying I was tired during the drive and abruptly saying have a good night as he was leaning in for the kiss.

1. Social proof (this can come from texting while you guys are hanging out drinking). It’s not rude because we’re obviously just friends chilling for the moment and if he read texts (or pretended to), it would make it seem like he had friends or other places to be. I was texting over the night with these guys we met the first time we bar hopped, and it just made me seem like a cool person people wanted to be around. Many have disagreed with this point, so use it carefully. I still believe glancing at your phone every once in a while is a good idea, telling your target about a joke your friend sent you, but I did not mean you should be texting all night.

2. When I was complaining about being tired, if he had said something like “you’re such an old lady” and dismissed the fact that I was tired, I think It would have changed the dynamic.

3. Complaining about being cold, hungry, etc. Seriously, not hot.

4. Be spontaneous; know your city and know good places to go out: This is a fairly easy thing to do, but it takes a bit of research. Join some forums about your city, read bar reviews to get a sense of the vibe or the reputation of each spot, know what is going on that evening. You should be able to say, fuck this joint, let’s check out x spot because y is playing tonight. I want to emphasize this. I'm often the one initiating plans. When a man has a plan, grabs me by the hand and leads the way, the attraction skyrockets.

5. Compliment: Yeah, I know you guys don’t think this is a great idea but seriously, you need to drop one or two. He half-assedly complimented me when I said “I look like shit tonight”. He replied “I tend to disagree”, I smiled and awwwwed but then he got nervous and dropped a “just so you feel better”. I’ve always thought complimenting takes more confidence than it gives. Confident people recognize positive attributes in others and aren't intimidated by them. Many of said this is fishing for compliments. Probama mentioned an interesting reply which I will include here:

   whenever a girl is blatantly fishing for a compliment like this, I never oblige. If you had said that to me, I'd probably have responded, "yea, you sure do. aren't you embarrassed?" with a cheeky smile*

6. Kino: you guys already know how important this is so I will go no further. There is an interesting distinction to be made in kino. Post by famousmodification:

   Have you read DiCarlo's Escalation Ladder? He kind of touches on this, basically he suggests that you alternate incidental kino with more overt kino. The idea behind this is that after she's accepted the incidental stuff, she'll be comfortable with the more overt stuff like leading her by the hand. I think he also says not to make the overt kino too long since that increases the chances of her thinking about it and breaking it off, which is obviously bad for you.

7. Paying for drinks: I know this is frowned upon, but yeah, if you don’t buy the girl at least one drink, it will really look like you're not interested. Even friends do this for each other. Very controversial. Upon further reflection, though it would not have hurt in my context, it is safer not to buy a girl a drink. You can read the comments if you're interested

8. Being present: I’m pretty social myself so I talk to random people wherever I am. And this is an attractive trait for anybody, men and women. I would often open up people to talk, and laugh with them and he would literally fade away in the background. I honestly would forget he was there sometimes, until I was getting bored and turned around to see him right behind me smiling. Walk in the field of vision of the girl, not behind her. Make sure you’re somewhat loud and keep the conversation going. Make sure you are interacting with other people, and ignoring your target a bit. Show that you don’t need her to have a good time. Flirt with other girls, it makes you look sexy. An extreme example of him disappearing was I unfortunately got into a fight with a drunk girl and 2 guys and 2 girls got in between us, and I actually got teamed up against and he was nowhere to be seen. I completely forgot he was there until the shit calmed down and I turned around and he asked if I was o.k. Seriously, not attractive.

9. Buzz kill: Never and I say never, say no to fun. I don’t care how cold you are or how tired, if there is a fucking outdoor slide and dodge ball on ice going on (which there was last night), don’t be the one to say you’re not in. This is a problem I suspect non-drinkers have, since you come across as a party pooper. But I rarely drink, and I often just say it in a fun way (e.g., I’ll shake my head and say I’m pregnant while placing a hand on my stomach).

10. Driving: I’m always driving him around. I don’t mind in the circumstances (4 a.m. on a cold night) or whatever, but he doesn’t seem to appreciate that it puts me in a superior position (i.e. I’m the driver and he’s the passenger). And if a chick is driving you, please know the directions. It’s pretty unattractive when a man doesn’t know his way around. Even if you know the girl will drive you anyway, offer to take a cab or metro. If she insists, then don’t press, but you should at least offer. Don’t make your target a soccer mom.

Things he did do right:

• He did dress nicely
• He’s pretty funny/clever
• Before making plans for last night, he said “I’ll text you tomorrow to work out the details”, which was pretty authoritative and it stuck with me more than something like “let me know if you’re still up for tomorrow”. I actually almost bailed on him if it wasn’t for that. I actually think this is called NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), subtle changes in wording or phrases causes people to react differently to what you say. I'm guessing a lot of seduction revolves around this, so worth picking up a book or two on the topic. Any recommendations?
• Before leaving me each time, he says “let’s do this again soon”. This got me twice so far, and I don’t think I’ll fall for it again, but it’s important that you create an expectation that you will meet again.
• He made some killer tuna sandwiches for both of us when we went snowboarding, which was thoughtful, without being too beta (I think). I felt like I was being taken care of, which is something I like to feel with men. But obviously, don't go too far with this.

Okay guys, have fun ^{^}

Edit For those of you who do not want to read the comments, I've highlighted the controversial points in italics.