Regarding rising 'sexlessness,' percentage of young people who've never had sex or a relationship do you think have never even made an effort?

AidsVictim · 2022-07-05T05:10:19+00:00

It's mostly that society is simply becoming more and more bifurcated into the "social haves" and "have nots" and this is mostly determined by socialization during adolescence/puberty. Did you spend most of school playing video games and hanging with other (male) nerds? Or were you hanging with mixed gendered groups and being invited to/hosting house parties? The men in the first group probably correctly guess that they will have little luck regardless of if they try or not. Obviously some "loser men" are successful in overcoming this but a lot of advice directed at them is naive - a lot of time the people giving the advice are taking for granted that a) the person is sufficiently socially competent (with women) to attract women but just shy or something b) has a social group that engages in mixed gender public spaces (i.e. they're at festivals, clubs, bars etc) c) that these men can shift their personality types by just trying.

As more and more previously public social spaces disappear, modern social spaces become more "privatized" (exclusionary), even extending to nominally public spaces. Although some of it can be explained by aging affecting social affability, observing how boomers operate in bars, gyms, and casual restaurants vs millenials/zoomers is a good example - the former are much more likely to just start talking and bullshitting with strangers, the latter is mostly stays close to their "group", especially in the case of women. With younger (sub 40) age groups you are generally either in or out in a binary way.

The effect is greatest on men - an average looking introverted guy either needs a quite solid mixed social circle coming out of highschool/college or getting very lucky0 on OLD or he's going to have a pretty rough time (i.e. typical "incel" and lots of "pill" guys). Women have a much easier time getting invited into new social groups and OLD actually works (sort of) for them so even if they're in the undersocialized group (and a lot are) they still tend to have better outcomes.

But she said yes. Granted , we didn't go on any more dates after the first, but she was also quite out of my league and I feel like if I tried a couple more times I could probably do okay romance-wise. But tbh it was stressful enough that I don't think I'm going to try again for a long while, if ever.

You should try again. Living with loneliness is not a happy life. The stress will lessen each time and eventually you will be comfortable enough to have the confidence to overcome negative thought processes (i.e. I'm not going to succeed with this girl because she's out of my league).

DRebd · 2022-07-05T03:10:51+00:00

Meh. I tried, I failed. The reason why I failed is unchangeable, therefore, failure is unchangeable as well.

SolidusMonkey · 2022-07-04T20:48:39+00:00

Many people simply don't have the CHANCE to put themselves out there. I never went to college, so that was kinda it for me after high school. Once you graduate college (or HS in my case), that's kinda like... done, lol. Keep in mind that increasingly fewer and fewer men are attending college/university. There's no longer any kind of social core or sphere anymore, there's no "out there" to put yourself out there into. Putting yourself out there is just "go to bars" when you're out of college. It's an increasingly atomized toxicially individualist society, and that's just one of the symptoms.

Sl0otiendo · 2022-07-04T21:23:38+00:00

Well, yeah… men have the burden of performance, needing to have courage and initiative, taking action. Whereas women can just exist.

It can’t hurt to put yourself out there more, unless it can damage your social/professional reputation. You miss every shot you don’t take. But many young sexually unsuccessful men do take a lot of shots, with few makes if any.

big_twig_tow · 2022-07-04T22:40:32+00:00

I would say that it's pretty common.

I've never had women interested in me (as far as I know), but on the flipside, I've never been interested in pursuing women in the dating game and never asked anyone out on a date.

I always viewed participation in the dating game as buffoonery (men have to do most of the effort despite receiving none of the benefits) but I wanted to have sex so I pursued escorts. About 99% of my experiences with escorts were extremely positive, so no regrets there (other than some lost money).

Khidorahian · 2022-07-05T08:10:12+00:00

To be fair, I already know I’m not a social creature but I think in the coming decades there’s going to be investment in tech to curb the ‘loneliness’ that people face. For many men, I expect realistic sexbots will fulfill that need. For older people, a robot which helps them get around the house or simply someone to talk to and learn from.

I think this is just the beginning of a much larger issue.

AreOut · 2022-07-04T20:21:06+00:00

I have never flown but that might be because I have never tried. Maybe there is a large proportion of people who could fly only if they tried a little bit.

Comradecraig · 2022-07-04T23:08:38+00:00

I'm in this category, 32 M never approached anyone or asked them out.

AdamtheFirstSinner · 2022-07-05T13:32:18+00:00

Speaking for myself, I came to the conclusion that the juice isn't worth the squeeze more often than not. I decided to quit wasting my time and energy and put it more towards things in life that I actually enjoy (shooting, weightlifting, gaming, cooking) than would be fruitful in my life rather than wasting time with people who often times have ulterior motives, are unreasonably picky or have more personality disorders than you yourself thought you were afflicted with. Either that or I just end up wishing I'd gotten that 45-75 minutes I spent on that date back at the very least.

Also, in the case for a lot of these men (and women, too) they simply just aren't attractive at all. They go after people way above their league, all while putting zero or minimal effort into themselves and then wonder why they come up short. It just doesn't work that way

AutomaticMeaning3844 · 2022-07-04T22:45:44+00:00

The better question is, how many sexless men would succeed with a decent effort/reward ratio if they did start asking women out? (outside of college because college is easier and doesn't scale)

You can do the thought experiment. How much time does he have to spend talking to women before asking them out? What's the rate of success in getting a date when asking them out? How long does he spend talking to her on a date? What is the rate of success to get sex on those dates? It will be something like a 50-100 hour investment for sex each time, with a 500 -1000 hr drought at the beginning when he's first starting out and learning the ropes. And it is traumatizing to get rejected hundreds of times, so it's not something he can even enjoy and not many men can mentally sustain getting rejected so much.

For sexless men, the effort/reward ratio won't be worth it unless they find a long time term girlfriend who provides years worth of sex and validation.

Time_Animaal · 2022-07-05T01:22:56+00:00

Part of The Red Pill/Black Pill is that 'making an effort' is a meme. You don't 'make an effort' because there's no effort to be made. Making an effort for an unattractive man is as sensible as making an effort with a garden fence. It won't look at you, it won't acknowledge you, it won't think what you say is funny, it won't try to encourage you to pay attention to it, it won't slip you it's number, it won't invite you to group events or get their friends to, and you won't be on the list for events in general. It won't follow you on social media, it won't respond to your texts, and if by chance you encounter it outside when you're just out and about it won't acknowledge you.

One thing I noticed about living with women, is that the vast majority of them are never without male attention. So it's not like your experience with that girl is out of the realm of possibility, it's just that she's probably single and is willing to commit a certain amount of time every week to male attention and you just ran into her on a week where she had some slots opened up.

ruboyuri · 2022-07-04T21:58:40+00:00

Lots

Because 1) it’s scary and 2) there’s other things to occupy yourself with

I didn’t say it, the kiddos did

H8beingmale · 2022-07-04T21:14:33+00:00

you think is becoming more common for guys, men, to enter their 20s and 30s as virgins?

wtknight · 2022-07-04T22:19:54+00:00

I think the percentage of men who have never even tried is very low. What I think is more common is that a guy tries with a few women, they all reject him, and he gives up. What men need to understand is that average men are going to end up with most women rejecting him, but if they keep trying while continuing to improve themselves, eventually some woman won't reject them.

sarkington · 2022-07-05T03:48:11+00:00

Internet distractions, including social media, porn and games, are responsible for way more sexlessness than dating apps, simping or obesity.

Dating is uncomfortable and intimidating; your internet friends and personalized entertainment feeds are not. Who wouldn’t prefer the latter to the former, until you get desperate?

MasterTeacher123 · 2022-07-05T11:12:18+00:00

A lot of guys flat out don’t try.

Like they approached 3 girls it didn’t work out and they gave up. Or they created a shitty online dating profile and it didn’t get matches and decided it was a wrap. Again it’s your right but you can’t complain

gofigure62 · 2022-07-04T20:21:13+00:00

I have friends that complain about being single but literally never do anything but go to work and go home. They don't even go grocery shopping or shopping, they heave everything delivered to their homes.They also don't socialize with anyone else.they don't use dating apps either. There is no realistic way that they could date someone without them physically leaving the house.

I've even known a few people that I could have introduced them too, they still said no.

Everyone who is single and sexless isn't an absolute hermit. But many people do self isolate to the point of self detriment.

It's impossible to make friends let alone romantic connections without meeting and introducing oneself to new people.

Barneysparky · 2022-07-04T21:16:49+00:00

There is a drug crisis in the US. While party people party serious addicts tend to suffer alone.

Some guys are getting their needs met virtually.

Between those two things that pretty much sums up the difference. Nerds who don't get laid but marry later in life maybe have always been around, though there is a rise in autism as well.

AelfredRex · 2022-07-05T00:47:20+00:00

I think we've raised a seriously terrified generation. It's OK to look at women, smile at them, talk to them. They're probably just as lonely.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-07-05T00:59:09+00:00

In regards to "relationshiplessness", what percentage don't make an effort?

2022-07-05T08:10:46+00:00

yeah between the ages of 18- to 24 i was really trying a lot but just kept getting rejected. Now im 26 ive sort of given up and worn down.

2022-07-05T08:49:26+00:00

I think there are many reasons to this and I have given this subject a lot of thought so prepare yourself for a long paragraph.

First reason:

Women nearly all of the time have 10x more options than nearly all men. Not that they are attracted to nearly any of these men but you can nearly always know that a lot of these men will find that women some what attractive. It's almost certain. So when you have a lot more options to can be a lot more picky. You don't settle for someone you are not that attracted to when you can just pick the hot guy instead. And you cannot blame women for that. Men would be even worse if the tables were flipped.

This then leads me onto the second reason:

In general I think women are just more attractive than men and I think there are more attractive women than there are more attractive men. If you think of it from a biology / evolutionary point of view. The most attractive women would have been the ones to pass in their genes more. Yes more attractive men would have but 100s or 1000s or years ago the men that would have passed on their Gene's would have been the ones with all the power not necessarily the most attractive men. Think of genghis khan for example. Not a hottie but had so many kids, loads of people today can trace their roots back to him. So this could potentially be the reason why women in general are more attractive than men and there are just simple more attractive women than there are attractive men.

Third reason:

I have found that in life and in the world in general most things follow a simple rule. The people at the top will get the most / own the most / attract the most women. Let's me real. Hot dudes will still have sex with women who are less attractive than them and are not genuinely attracted to. I'm a dude and I have definitely slept with women that I would never date or that I found that attractive. If you want the cold hard truth a guy will sleep with a women sometimes just because he wants to fuck and "she will do". That's just the truth. Yes it hurts to be that girl but sometimes that is the case. And yes men are very good at pretending that they genuinely like you to sleep with you. Especially the hot ones because they have had more practice at it as they get more attention from girls.

I think this creates an effect. Women who these attractive men would never date get attention and to sleep with this men. This women then makes the understandable conclusion of "This hot guy wants me I just be good looking otherwise he would never sleep with me". Or at least they feel good about themselves and think "wow I can get guys like this".

Now imagine you are getting to sleep with these attractive men. They never stay but they can get them to sleep with them and give them attention. Why the hell would you settle for a less attractive guy even if he would actually date you? Yes it could become a relationship and yes the guy might genuinely care for the girl. But he lacks one simple thing. He does not give her the tingles. The butterflies in her stomach. That come here I need you feeling. And without that a relationship can never form. At least a genuine one. So understandably why would a girl want to date a guy that doesn't do that for her? I know me as a man would not want to date a girl that did not do that for me.

But yeah that's some of my options and thoughts on this subject.

javlck_stripe · 2022-07-05T15:16:12+00:00

Stress is good. Don't run from stress: learn how to handle it. Is like going to the gym, carrying weights is stress, but under controlled situations. You feel like she's out of your league bc you said that bs in your head to find an excuse to fail. Diamonds are created under pressure.

IrrungenWirrungen · 2022-07-04T22:11:45+00:00

I'm in the same situation as you, early 20s, virgin and never asked out a girl before nor have I ever shown any interest in girls, though I have been asked out by some girls and have turned them all down - I have no regrets even as a virgin because I never felt anything for them. I'm a 6'4" mixed race male of predominantly European origin. Being mixed race means that my appearance is harder to pin down, I am mostly seen as an Italian by some and Spanish by others, which happen to be the two primary ethnic groups I've got. I have a large frame and weigh in around 320lbs. I had a very stable childhood and socialized incredibly well throughout my life and into highschool/secondary school, where most of the girls that asked me out approached me (yes they approached me when I was fat, quite odd haha).

A friend of mine, who is also in his early 20s and also a virgin, he tries to get dates and all that and has had plenty, but only ever first dates, never anything that went beyond. I'm actually starting to believe that many girls these days will say yes to dates that they don't want, usually because they're not interested in the guy. He's a 6'2" White guy of Swiss and German decent, blonde hair, blue eyes, no signs of balding and is quite skinny, though I talked him into hitting the gym to build some muscle and fill in his frame, he weighs about 140-150lbs. Very stable childhood, somewhat well socialized, kind of awkward at times but still fairly well overall.

Another friend, same as me with never asking though he admitted to having interest in one in the past, he had a girl ask him out recently and he refused. He is a White guy of French and English decent, 6' tall, long hair with the first stage of balding at the 'corner', he weighs about 200lbs. He comes from a less than stable childhood due to his parents, fine-ish at socializing but his way of doing it is abnormal and not something many people will 'click' with (idk how to explain it), has a 'intelligent' humor that spills out a bit and frequents 4chan.

Exciting-Necessary-5 · 2022-07-04T23:44:06+00:00

I put myself out there.

5'6 28 kissless virgin guy. Just hit the six fig bracket in my moderate flyover town, 0 debt, so successful I guess? Do have success attracting but problem is is that I seriously question the motives of the women whom are showing interest in me.

Unfortunately the signs of genuine desire aren't there. Which really frustrate me. The women I deal with give me the vibes that I should be glad that they're giving me the chance. I don't think they like me for me and just see me as a stable option i.e. husband material.

I'm disturbed that this is how husbands are picked. Not to mention, it's absolutely disheartening considering the amount of effort I have to put in.

Lol. I sent them on their marry way. Any advice to me would be appreciated 🤷‍♂️.

flakybottom · 2022-07-04T21:26:08+00:00

I've never flirted with a woman or asked them out, but even all but a handful of my friendly approaches to women within +/- 12 years my age have been completely shut down.

NotARussianBot1984 · 2022-07-04T23:27:54+00:00

A better question is "given if they made an effort, how many would have that effort lead to successful relationship?" Imho very few since my effort has not lead to success.

As i became fitter the quality of women i was able to date decreased massively.

But i never had a successful relationship (before current gf which is an exception)

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-07-05T02:27:50+00:00

[permanently deleted]

decoy88 · 2022-07-05T07:08:56+00:00

HealthyGamerGG explains better why this thing is on the rise.

Basically, the rise of technology provides substitutes that are easier to obtain, but don’t scratch the itch completely.

RealAmericanWeasel · 2022-07-05T16:59:19+00:00

I think most people try out of sheer necessity at some point. You tried once and it went well the first time for you. For many of us, it never goes well but it’s good to hear that it worked out (relatively speaking) for you. Hopefully, you’ll have increasing success going forward.

delight-n-angers · 2022-07-04T21:12:52+00:00

Most of the people I've known who don't have relationships are sexless by choice. they've decided that their gender of choice isn't worth the effort, dating sucks, they're focusing on other things. I'm too old now to know any virgins personally but when I was in my early 20s I knew plenty of them and they were all folks who just didn't put in any effort to pursuing sex. it just wasn't important to them, and now that i'm older my single friends that don't have casual sex are the same way.

Johnny_Autism · 2022-07-04T21:00:42+00:00

Why does america have so many goldiggers despite its feminism? why do your women care about status and carreer so much? it looks even worse than any eastern european “shithole” from where the trope originates.

2022-07-04T20:24:04+00:00

The problem is some of us are turned on by different things. It is very rare I'll be so compelled to ask someone out because of their looks. I consider myself really superficial but there has to be more than looks but looks are a pre-requisite for interest.

catniagara · 2022-07-05T01:38:10+00:00

Judging from my own family, the people age 18-24 seem to fall into 2 categories: got into a relationship at 14 or 15 and have already gotten married or had kids, and never been in a relationship, never really tried. Generally they have mental health issues like the anxiety in your case and have problems relating even to their immediate family. That coupled with a general lack of opportunities out there. They can’t find work, can’t move out, can’t get an education. Can’t bring the person they’re dating home to meet mom and dad. And some are very reliant on their parents for support, like they can’t even make phone calls or schedule their own medical appointments. One guy I know only has his own place because his parents got tired of him breaking things, got him on disability benefits with a rent supplement, packed his bags, drove him to his new place and dropped him off.

CocoBabeNYC · 2022-07-04T21:26:43+00:00

I find that men who are unsuccessful romantically are just not fucking horny enough. I was once unsuccessful and shy. But I was more horny than shy, so I went out and learned to talk to women and take them home. It took a some time to find myself, but I did. I was just that fucking horny. The reality is that men who are sexless just have a motivation problem because if they really wanted a girlfriend as badly as they claim, they would have already gotten one. Instead, they all have excuses for why they don't go out to places where women go to socialize and meet men, they all have excuses for why they look like dorks, they all have excuses for why they take bad photos on their Tinder accounts. Excuses, excuses, excuses.

SilentFroggy · 2022-07-04T20:17:05+00:00

What’s the reason for people not wanting to put themself out there?

RadicalAzrael · 2022-07-05T00:13:13+00:00

I can get a bunch of girls to accept dates and send nudes but I don’t really see dating as worth the effort. I also was in a slow paced relationship for 3 years and never did anything with my ex. That was between the age of 17-19. I went to do something at age 20 and was too busy to date— I did be open to accepting dates but of the one I went on the girl turned out to be sketchy. (Fast forward to 2022 and she’s a stripper actually)

At the moment there’s a few girls interested in me and I’m thinking about visiting one a city away and going in a date, but I don’t really rate my worth based on how much sex I can have so I’m not really fretting about it.

I’ve also turned down sex/sexual opportunities 4 times . 3 of which were because I’m a slim guy and the girls offering were 300+ lbs. No point in doing FWB if you’re not even sexually attracted to them.

rhumel · 2022-07-05T12:42:48+00:00

Try again. And then again. Eventually it will get easier. It’s literally like everything else in life: you get better and it gets easier with practice.

I’m 33 and I feel like until I was like 30 i felt a lot of pressure and nervousness when making a move for a girl I really liked (I got a hold on girls I liked but not “really liked” before that).

Now whenever I meet a girl I really like my brain instantly activates a natural gravitational pull that brings me towards her and starts just going for it.

If you’re natural and confident women like that, like a lot, like maybe they don’t feel even a tiny percentage of what you’re feeling in the moment but if you take the lead and you get to be funny enough, attractive enough, enjoyable enough, they will just continue being interested in you. Then without prior notice she really likes you, they just work that way, you can see it in her eyes when she made her mind.

Just go for it and go for it and go for it. That’s the best you can do.

You will have an edge on all the bitter men who think that women only aim for the top 1% and think that the rest of men are worthless shit who’re to be used and discarded (off course without sex lol).

If you doubt me just pay attention on who’s dating who. You will see men in relationships/dating/fucking women way “out of their league”.

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AloneOnTheStrange · 2022-07-05T05:40:45+00:00

The whole "make a move bro" thing kind of assumes we don't know when someone isn't interested.

I'm not going to make a move with someone who seems to talk to me only when I talk to her first, and treats every interaction like she wants to end it as soon as it's polite to do so.

When I have made a move, it's when she makes it real obvious. She gravitates towards me, makes an effort to smile and make eye contact when we pass, touches my arm, seems really engrossed in conversation, laughs at jokes that aren't funny.

Now there are some in between cases. Maybe she seems kinda interested, but doesn't seem to like it when you try to escalate. Or she seems to flirt a little on day, but gets cold the next. Or she acts warm when you're alone together, but gravitates to someone else as soon as there are other guys in the room. In which case, I have no idea. Is she interested but nervous? Is she not interested just friendly? Is she kinda interested, but not interested enough to follow through?

AdobiWanKenobi · 2022-07-05T09:37:27+00:00

Am 22, haven’t even tried yet cause I’m still fat 🙃

Drougen · 2022-07-05T11:07:12+00:00

I just don't like dating, never really done it. I've had a handful of relationships and am in one now, though.

But dating / hooking up is just not fun to me.

jamesbwbevis · 2022-07-05T15:30:02+00:00

Of course that's true of some guys and not others. Depends on every individual situation

Substantial_Video560 · 2022-07-06T11:55:34+00:00

I've made lots of effort to find someone in the past from clubs, pubs, meetup groups, adult learning courses and online dating (both free and paid) without much success so I feel more than entitled to throw in the towel and give up. The older I get I'm making peace with being alone and finding acceptance. It's rather freeing and refreshing to walk out of the dating game.

JanetInSC1234 · 2022-07-06T13:40:54+00:00

You scored a date with the first girl you asked, and she was out of your league. Success!! Keep making connections with more people. Yes, it's stressful (at first, gets easier) but it's worth it!

Safe_While3650 · 2022-07-09T11:44:07+00:00

As some people have already said, I never had good opportunities to try and meet women. I have a very weak social circle and just don't have an organic way to meet women, I have never flirted or asked a girl out, but I never even hung out with after after I got out of middle school, so at this point, the only way to ''try'' would be cold approaching women, which is a completely different debate.

Title	Regarding rising 'sexlessness,' percentage of young people who've never had sex or a relationship do you think have never even made an effort?
Author	NSA_PR_DPRTMNT
Upvotes	77
Comments	235
Date	July 4, 2022 8:10 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/vrg688/regarding_rising_sexlessness_percentage_of_young/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/regarding-rising-sexlessness-percentage-of-young.1121434 https://theredarchive.com/post/1121434

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