Luck plays a much larger role in dating success than most people like to admit

Oli_love90 · 2024-09-09T09:17:57+00:00

I truly believe luck is a major factor as well.

This is why I really don’t think many people in relationships can give advice on how to get into one. They will always have stories of meeting g someone at work, through friends, at a club or grocery shopping and chalk it up to them “putting themselves out there”. But in reality it was lucky that they happened to be in the same room as someone who thought you were attractive.

Turbulent_Mix_318 · 2024-09-09T08:44:38+00:00

Luck is everything in all aspects of life. People deny it because they want to stay a main character in their story.

Your intelligence, height/looks, social class, parents income/your income, neurotypicality etc

His0kx · 2024-09-09T12:00:14+00:00

I have seen a lot of friend over the years that went out every 6 months or so with average social skills/attractiveness and … that found someone on that particular occasion. Or just stumbled luckily on someone at their work.

The « just put yourself out there » and « just work on yourself » is just a big lie in itself. I don’t mean you shouldn’t do it but doing these two things won’t mean necessarily results at the end. And I hate that we don’t inform people on that.

DankuTwo · 2024-09-09T11:26:42+00:00

Luck is pretty much everything. Life is a game of VERY fine chances. You can do everything right and still easily fail due to bad luck. Doing everything wrong and still succeeding, on the other hand, is borderline impossible for the vast majority of people.

So….gotta improve your chances as best you can and hope for the best. What else is there?

IcyTrapezium · 2024-09-09T13:40:29+00:00

Luck plays a larger role in everything than we would like to admit. Anyone who has wildly succeeded at some point hit a lucky break. Either they win the genetic lottery in the looks or brains department, their parents know people, or they met someone by chance who helped them out.

There is no meritocracy. But that doesn’t mean striving isn’t worth it. We all can improve our circumstances somewhat through hard work. What we can’t all do is become wildly successful or famous. That comes down to luck.

IdiAminD · 2024-09-09T13:50:06+00:00

I think that for totally normie people luck plays a minor role - such people are pretty much easily compatible with each other, problem is when you are sort of specific regarding things that interest you, sexual compatibility etc. Solution for that is putting yourself in places where people similar to you may show up - though the problematic thing might be that male hobbies are quite often repulsive to women.

relish5k · 2024-09-09T09:20:03+00:00

I met my missus when I was 22.

Over 20 years later, I still feel like won the lottery.

YasuotheChosenOne · 2024-09-09T06:55:30+00:00

It aint called “getting lucky” for no reason lol

Neptune-Jnr · 2024-09-09T16:30:26+00:00

THANK YOU!

Infinite_Archers · 2024-09-09T06:31:19+00:00

Honestly I felt the same way until I met my bf. I felt like luck was never coming my way, especially with how I grew up. I'm a tall woman, and not liked by a lot of men because of my height. My bf is shorter than me and loves my height and my curves, which has been helping with how I feel about myself. But before then, my other bf's really sucked and I thought I was going to be alone and heartbroken forever. I really do feel like "luck" plays a role in a lot of things, except I don't call it "luck", I call it "chance". What are the chances you find TWO $20 BILLS ON THE GROUND? And you did! Holy cow! It almost feels the same way scoring anything else in life. "oh man, what are the chances!" I absolutely think it plays into dating just as much as who you are as a person plays into it. I definitely feel for you. Hang in there, I really hope things work out for you.

Icarus367 · 2024-09-09T12:44:45+00:00

Well, physical attractiveness is a large component of interpersonal attraction, and the main pillars of how attractive someone is physically - i.e. height (at least for men) and bone structure - are mostly genetically determined and/or subject to developmental factors beyond anyone's control, so, yes, luck is a huge component of romantic success.

What's less often discussed is that personality itself also has a substantial heritable component, and is not anywhere near as malleable as it's sometimes depicted, as when, for instance, people are told to just be more confident, gregarious, or funny.

arvada14 · 2024-09-09T14:37:12+00:00

Of all the things we consider the most important. How much of it, if any, is controlled by us. Our parents, our genes, the country we were born in, the environment we grew up in.

All of these were controlled by our parents and their parents before them. People get mad at this as fatalism, but you need to find one thing that you can control and use as a launching off point.

This is advice for the individual. You can't extrapolate it to a population level, though.

I think this is what blue pillers and boomers don't understand.

AlmostKindaGreat · 2024-09-09T20:40:17+00:00

I like to tell guys to optimize everything under their control. No excuses. At least if you're not happy with your romantic situation and want it to improve.

But of course you have to acknowledge luck, good and bad. If you don't cut yourself some slack with bad luck then you'll drive yourself crazy. Things won't work with so many people due to circumstances beyond your control and and beating yourself up about them is counterproductive. It takes some experience to discern whether you had bad luck or there is something you could have done better. Reflection is always necessary.

You should also acknowledge good luck when it happens. Everything worked out perfectly but you're not perfect. Keep going. Keep working.

Downtown_Werewolf_44 · 2024-09-10T10:03:46+00:00

like everything in life, you can do everything right and still fail. The most you can do is max your probabilities.

SorooshMCP1 · 2024-09-11T11:37:45+00:00

100%. In the past 14 months I've met two amazing girls who I vibed with amazingly, we talked for hours, we even went out a few times, but neither of them led to anything because of factors out of our control.

The first one I was leaving the country to study abroad, it was just doomed.

The second one she had arrived a couple of months ago, she is still trying to settle down and is stressed and is just drowning under the weight of life.

So much of it is luck. For someone else they might not be leaving the country and they'd have a 5 year relationship with the first girl I met..

kochIndustriesRussia · 2024-09-09T12:55:49+00:00

Luck doesn't play a larger role.....luck is THE role. Without luck.... nothing else you do matters.

Purple_Cruncher_123 · 2024-09-09T06:12:25+00:00

Some people are idiots too, I just don't try to pay too much heed to them.

For the sake of needing to disagree, I would contend that luck is a nebulous concept in most people's minds. So it can sound like we dismiss effort when luck is invoked. There is something to be said that if your odds of success is like 5%, then the best way to succeed is to either modify the odds or to play volume and make the eventual 5% pay off. Volume approach does take effort, and potentially tremendous amounts of resources (time included). So not everyone can afford that cost to roll the dice until it works.

Of course, people who are dismissive shouldn't be heeded. Most of us who make it into a mature state of adulthood have faced enough setbacks to recognize that you can literally make all the statistically best choices possible and someone will still have an unlucky day. And someone can be super lucky through no achievement of their own. Finding the time to reflect and grow from our setbacks matters more than what dismissive people think.

MyUpSeemsDown · 2024-09-09T06:06:10+00:00

I agree for the most part, luck definitely plays a role. But it's also reductive to pin everything to luck because people have free will and agency. They can literally choose to go do push ups instead of finishing the post or my comment. They can go out tomorrow and start talking to people, whoever, make friends and meet someone new. Obviously, one's successes and failures are reflected usually by both luck and their actions. And I think it will be utterly helpful for people to realize that one of those factors is completely in their control.

MikeArrow · 2024-09-09T05:12:09+00:00

I often think about how lucky I was with my first girlfriend. She was easy to get along with, wasn't a prude, didn't play mind games...

Then again, maybe it wasn't luck. We were both young and impressionable. I was her first boyfriend and she was my first girlfriend. Maybe what I'm attributing to luck was actually her not having a strong sense of boundaries. Maybe she was just going along with everything I wanted because she thought that's what she was supposed to do.

Point is, you can attribute something to luck when in reality there's probably a good reason for it. Ultimately, I'd rather put in the work to find and vet a good partner in a way that isn't reliant on 'luck'.

2024-09-09T19:13:35+00:00

Also, people who are lucky and meet that person never seem to acknowledge that it's made their life much easier and more fulfilling.

I have a friend like that. He had the nerve to compare our lives and tell me that I'm "falling behind". Like fuck you dude.

TomCatoNineLives · 2024-09-09T23:48:35+00:00

Luck plays a large role in life. But we get a lot of opportunities to do things in life, including repeated opportunities. Over time, if one keeps consistently getting similar results, then it should be clear to any honest student of statistics that there's some kind of bias involved, and that we aren't dealing with purely random results.

Until relatively recently, I felt that I had bad luck with relationships. It was less that I had trouble dating or finding people to date (I didn't), as it was that I getting stuck in long-term relationships with the wrong women (typically: insecure, inconsistent, confrontational, closed-minded), and losing out on better opportunities because I was stuck in those relationships. After it happened enough times with enough consequences, that finally prompted me to realize that I was choosing those women. When I stopped doing that, things improved.

uglysaladisugly · 2024-09-09T09:37:20+00:00

That's one of the things I told my 16 years old son who is a bit of a late bloomer socially speaking (never wanted to get a diagnosis but it's quite clear there is some spectrum in him).

We can give advices on a lot of things. But meeting people you click with, at the right moment, is reliant on a lot of luck. So you may do everything right, and still have no result. The advices serve the following purposes : in case the universe puts an opportunity in front of you, it will maximize the chances that you seize it.

Now, the luck factor is stronger when you're a bit of a weirdo interested in weirdos ^{^} because we are rarer. But it's also a good thing to remember so you don't lose your time, self esteem and effort in some number games with miss and mister normies.

shmupsy · 2024-09-09T11:37:52+00:00

some girls have rng

Advanced-Ad8490 · 2024-09-09T12:09:52+00:00

Luck plays a part in everything. However relying on luck is foolish. To obtain control of the outcome you need to invest yourself in what you can actually control. Which is much better than using luck as an excuse to give up.

AreOut · 2024-09-09T18:20:32+00:00

I've gotten pretty fucking unlucky myself - I haven't been cheated on but there seems to be some invisible force of nature that continually gets between me and anyone I'm interested in.

lol that "invisible force" in my case is usually her jelly single friends noone wants to touch with a barge pole

BiffTannenCA · 2024-09-09T19:19:05+00:00

Most good looking women I know are in relationships with men nowhere near as attractive... they just met via overlapping social circles and settled.

MoshiMoshi78 · 2024-09-09T09:29:38+00:00

Being there at the right time, in the right place and meeting someone you're compatible with is in part being lucky. I will not dispute that. But I would also argue that "putting yourself out there" serves as a way to increase your chances. Like if you sit all day playing single-player games in your house for example, you chances drop to 0. But if you go out and do stuff, or play multy-player games, your chances of finding your lucky break suddenly exponentially increase. And if your hygiene, social skills, job etc etc are on point... than your chances once again increase.

So yes, while I agree the meeting itself is purely based on luck, the probability of having this meeting in the first place is exactly in your hands. You have a degree of control over the situation. Not total control, but a reasonable amount. What you do with it, it's your decision. Good luck!

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MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-09-09T16:59:10+00:00

Luck has a lot to do with it. I've never had any trouble finding people to date but finding people who I was compatible with was a struggle. Meeting my partner was absolutely just pure luck - we were both in China in relatively close cities at the same time, and we had both decided to use Tinder. There was a small chance we would have met eventually because it turned out that we had mutual friends but there's no way of knowing if that really would have happened.

You can be a very outgoing person, and just have no luck when it comes to meeting people who you find attractive/find you attractive. You can do everything right and still have a hard time. That being said, bad luck isn't to blame if you're an asocial shut-in or someone who makes no effort to put themselves out there, which seems to be a not uncommon accurance for people on this sub.

PushPNoDiddy · 2024-09-09T17:35:54+00:00

This is correct in pretty much all aspects of life, in the sense that plain old luck can always be the primary attributed factor in success and/or demerit. HOWEVER, mathematically speaking, probability is an unignorably variable phenomenon. You seem to have been one of the woefully unfortunate folks throughout your dating journey timeline, which indeed does suck quite a bit. there are hundreds of millions of women out there, so i'd presume that your standards and requirements are pretty specific, eh? nonetheless, i do believe your current predicament is somewhat uncommon amongst those chronically in the dating market. generally speaking, probability is the predominant marvel of the adventure to "love" rather than luck candidly. feel free respond if you'd like to discuss the topic any further.

BrilliantAd5277 · 2024-09-09T20:50:50+00:00

You can always try to nudge luck a bit in your favor by doing things that will increase the odds of a desired out come, in this case for a guy working out, being well groomed, not being desperate, putting yourself in positions to meet women etc. but yeah at the end of the day (especially with how dating is now for men) a lot of it unfortunately comes down to luck. There is plenty of women that are attractive dating non-chad guys, but these guys definitely had something else going for them or were just LUCKY like right place right time lucky. Unfortunately some people just get fucked over.

Fantastic-Life-2024 · 2024-09-09T22:26:24+00:00

Luck is where preparedness meets opportunity.

BigMadLad · 2024-09-09T23:20:31+00:00

Yes, but I feel like it should be less of a factor for a LTR. Ideally, the longer and more in love you are with someone the less random chance events should affect your feelings / you should factor in your partner more. Prime example is if a couple is married, ideally if one gets a chance dream job but needs to move for it depending on communication either it would be turned down because that partner values their SO more, or the other partner moves as they value their SO more, or somewhere in between. This should reduce luck in driving a wedge between them, but this is all ideal talk here.

MrAnonPoster · 2024-09-10T00:15:26+00:00

Nope. Success in dating is the same as success everywhere else. 99.9999 percent reps that place pne in the right place with the right skills and 0.0001 of a lucky break

a_minty_fart · 2024-09-10T00:23:22+00:00

Luck is fine, but it doesn't beat effort.

But, and this is important, you can't control the things you can't control, so using them as an excuse is cope.

Control your controllables then worry about that shit. You'll find that if you control what you can, that having an internal locus of control will lead to living a much better life.

throwaway_alt_slo · 2024-09-10T04:41:40+00:00

[permanently deleted]

kongeriket · 2024-09-10T09:08:13+00:00

Is Cristiano Ronaldo lucky that he scores 70%+ of the free kicks in the 20-to-30m range?

Of course some luck is at play when his ball hits the crossbar and then falls into the net rather than in the 6-yard box to be then cleared by a defender or the goalkeeper. But it would be disingenuous to say that it was luck that propelled his amazing career that led to scoring 901 goals in all competitive games so far (as of today, September 10, 2024).

The same goes with romantic success. Luck plays some role but it's disingenuous to say that it's unacknowledged luck that makes the successful. Because it's not.

If it were all down to random luck, then relationship patterns would look like lottery statistics but... they don't.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-09-09T13:19:31+00:00

I heard a quote recently that I really liked

“Luck is where preparation and opportunity meet” -Shanon Sharpe.

Junior_Ad_3086 · 2024-09-09T10:34:54+00:00

of course luck is a big factor with most things in life. however blaming bad luck for everything that's not going well is a defeatist mindset. why focus on variables you can't control? whether that's dating or other areas of life. some people really hate accountability these days.

one_ball_policy · 2024-09-09T13:42:29+00:00

Luck plays a role, but most of the time lack of preparation hurts more. You should give yourself the best chance to succeed when that lucky opportunity presents itself

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-09-09T14:28:18+00:00

Yes, it's just luck that the circumstances get right for you to meet the right person. You can help it, of course they won't just knock on your door if you never leave the house. But at the end it's just luck. You can have multiple dating apps and a date every second day for years but just not run into the right person.

Audi_fanboy · 2024-09-09T14:34:20+00:00

Yep, agree with you POV. It also applies to a lot of other factors in life, including your death, lol. Dating is just another part of life, you can improve and should improve, but sometimes you just didn't get lucky. Some things are so simple, yet a lot of factors have to go at least well enough so the situation happens. Sucks to suck, I guess.

ThisBoringLife · 2024-09-09T17:53:39+00:00

I think, while luck is quite a factor, I don't think it overtakes other factors (looks, social skills, etc).

And since luck isn't much of a tangible factor one can genuinely influence, it's hard sometimes to note luck when it stares you in the face, especially in dating discourse when other factors exist.

pg_throwaway · 2024-09-09T18:34:03+00:00

It's funny how people who don't do anything and sit around pretending the world owes them something always have "bad luck", and always tell the jealous lie that successful people just have "good luck".

Luck determines many of your opportunties, that's very true. But your own work, skills, intelligence and mindset is what turns those opportunities from potential to success.

LovesGettingRandomPm · 2024-09-09T09:42:49+00:00

If you understood what fate is you would use that term instead

rustlerhuskyjeans · 2024-09-09T12:50:38+00:00

Dating success is dependent largely on do girls find you attractive or not. In terms of luck, you may end up with some great beautiful girl, but I wouldn’t call that dating success. In my life, it’s either you’re good at getting girls or not, it’s not luck.

DoinIt989 · 2024-09-09T13:06:06+00:00

"Visa" is not an acronym. You don't put it in all caps.

wtknight · 2024-09-09T14:43:08+00:00

It’s not as much luck as it is skill in noticing red flags versus green flags. Some people are oblivious. Others are just desperate enough for a person to ignore them.

Fab_Glam_Obsidiam · 2024-09-09T16:56:09+00:00

I'm so lucky to have the man in my life that I have! I'm thankful every day that we met. But luck is sort of the last stretch. You gotta have everything else in place already like being a good person and having good hygiene for luck to carry you over the finish line. I think so much of have a successful relationship is already being a complete person, and then meeting another complete person you can grow with. That any of us find anything else is pure luck ✨

Mr_KenSpeckle · 2024-09-10T16:51:40+00:00

Luck, by definition, is out of your control, so there isn’t a lot of point in focusing on it. It makes it all the more important to focus on what you can control.

Among the things you can control is to put yourself in as many situations to be lucky as possible. You also want to equip yourself with the tools to capitalize on luck when it happens. The harder you work, the luckier you’ll get.

Also, luck comes in two forms: bad luck and good luck. As long as bad luck doesn't kill you, bad luck and good luck tend to even out over time.

SillyMushroomTip · 2024-09-10T19:53:30+00:00

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity" - Seneca

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2024-09-11T08:51:42+00:00

I completly agree. Luck play a huge role in this kind of settings. But I don't really like the intentions behind that. It can be used as an excuse to not put that much of an effort to find someone. I think some people have an easier chance to find a partner for sure and some would will really struggle to do so

But I don't like too much excuse. Sometimes it's really about the selection of your demographic and your target. I know some place where a blue pill mentality works. In some other places a redpill mentality works

Moldy_Gecko · 2024-09-09T09:48:13+00:00

Disagree. My advice is always to play the field until someone makes you not want to play it anymore. It's a win-win. Don't marry quickly and live together first. And be a better judge of character.

2 things will happen. You'll stay a fuckboy, no harm in that. Or

You'll meet someone who checks all the boxes and is well vetted. If she sleeps with you on the first night, she's not the one. Hold yourself to a higher value, and you'll find women that do too.

Ppdebatesomental · 2024-09-09T14:14:11+00:00

I have two friends who were seemingly met their perfect match in class... 12 years later they're happily married.

I was with my ex from ages 20 to 27. He was 1” taller, not especially handsome, he was probably slightly aspie, definitely didn’t win any genetic lottery except for intelligence, but I loved him dearly at one time. He cheated. He is still single to this day.

we all make our own luck and spout dismissive remarks such as how lucks for losers, or even that they straight up don't believe in luck since everything happens for a reason

We do often create our own luck though. We choose to be overweight, unfaithful, have bad habits…….

TheHouseSomalian · 2024-09-09T10:26:16+00:00

Luck has almost nothing to do with it. Your friend who gets ghosted and stood up is subconsciously causing those reactions in women for several reasons. He gives of needy, desperate vibes. He is overly nice and accommodating to women who give him the runaround. He has no self respect/esteem. All of these are comorbidities of course.

Stop spewing crap you have no idea about.

Title	Luck plays a much larger role in dating success than most people like to admit
Author	AnomicAge
Upvotes	181
Comments	131
Date	September 9, 2024 5:06 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1fchro9/luck_plays_a_much_larger_role_in_dating_success/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/luck-plays-a-much-larger-role-in-dating-success.1529877 https://theredarchive.com/post/1529877

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