It's men's fault and responsibility for 'the loneliness epidemic'

PM_ME_CODE_CALCS · 2025-12-29T17:57:47+00:00

I'm "lonely" as a 36 yo virgin because I want to be sexual and romantic and express that side of me. But I internalized all the bullshit sex and male negative ideas progressives like to espouse most of the time. I just feel like I've never engaged with the few women I managed to get on a date with on the same level, as possible sexual and romantic partners. I've been stuck in the "just treat her like a person and be respectful" mindset my entire life and it's gotten me essentially no where with women. There is a more flirty, forward, sexual innuendo loving side to me, but I've suppressed it based on the overwhelming messages I heard since middle school about how men don't care about how women feel, just want to use women for sex, treat women like passive objects that need a man to make all the moves for her because she's incapable of expressing herself, men constantly push boundaries and don't care about her wishes, men always make sexual jokes and innuendo in that wink wink nudge nudge kinda way just to get a reaction but it also just adds pressure to her, even the guys who think they're the good ones to this too, blah blah blah blah. It felt like the simplest way to move through life was initiate as far as dates and light flirting, but wait for some reciprocation before "making a move."

I'm lonely because I feel like I have absolutely zero ability to even begin to navigate what women want from me, and I've had many female friends and ex-dates tell me how I'm so great, and love talking to me, and all that. The dates always told me there was no spark. I found out after highschool that at least two girls liked me, but lost interest when I didn't immediately hit on them. Probably a few in college too. You know what compounds that feeling of loneliness? Knowing that 95% of the women who even might be initially interested still expect me to have experience, and skill, and grace, and drive the relationship from the first word.

The only time I've had a woman "initiate" with me was on the third/fourth date. First time she came to my place she told me explicitly that she was trusting me not to do anything. So we cuddled and watched TV. Few days later she came over and an hour or two in she basically asked me "well aren't you going to take me to your bed and try to fuck me?", though maybe a little softer. The one woman out of at least a dozen dates in my life who "initiated" did so by basically blaming me. She told me her friends would have bounced much sooner since it didn't seem like I was into her. This was "only" 9 years ago, she was in her mid 20s. I realize now I should have initiated making out or something sooner, but fuck me for enjoying cuddling for the first time in many years and not steamrolling her wishes. How many of my previous dates expected the same despite giving me similar "I trust you" messages?

Axis_Control · 2025-12-29T14:26:22+00:00

I think it’s naive to dismiss greater societal trends when looking at the problems a particular group is facing. Sure on an individual level guys need to solve their own problems. That doesn’t mean we can’t ask questions like “why do men isolate?” “Why do men lack in specific realms of communication?”

For instance I don’t have any problem saying that women were conditioned for ages to behave a certain way. Why are some so allergic to extending the same level of understanding to men?

Santa-Teresa · 2025-12-29T16:11:56+00:00

Keeping things secret is not as easy nowadays.

And the main point is that women don’t tolerate involuntary celibacy better than men. They just don’t experience it as often.

mrbonee69 · 2025-12-29T14:56:39+00:00

Women like to pretend to be victims of society because they get lots of attention and pats on the back. When men are victims of society, women just say "its your fault, get over it". If women didn't have double standards, they wouldn't have any standards at all.

nonedat · 2025-12-29T13:47:44+00:00

While I agree in principle that you should have friends before relationships as a form of natural progression, I can say with certainty it makes zero difference to 'the male lonliness epidemic' - I've been looking for a relationship for years but it's just never happened. Men can absolutely be inkwells by the very basic definition and be completely well-adjusted in every other area.

I have an established third space that has depth, i.e not just a hobby club or anything, we have multiple shared interests, beliefs and backgrounds. I have friends both where I live and in different places, I have played a significant role in groups, organised things, etc. I'm also very accustomed to meeting new people, even though I would be considered mainly introverted (ambivert, I guess). People do talk highly of me, and I have no concerns about my looks. And yet, still single and feel lonely at times. Tons of contextual and situational things that work against it.

Popeoath · 2025-12-29T13:16:16+00:00

You cannot make people like you or want to associate with you. That is out of your hands. Socialization is a two-way street. It cannot individually be one person's fault when they will never have total agency over the situation.

All else equal people tend to trust and favor men less than women, so on average men have less friends. That's just how life works.

No_Self_2165 · 2025-12-29T11:37:23+00:00

If women don’t have anything to do for male loneliness, what do women contribute to a man’s life except of sexuality?

Let me rephrase; what value do a woman have for a man rather than being a sexual object to satisfy his needs?

VermillionVile · 2025-12-29T13:14:58+00:00

I wonder how much the political divide has affected mens ability to group up. I would say theres substantial risk in letting certain opinions slide, moreso in the past 10 years. Getting a wrong beat on someone could mean immediate ostricization, something even 'hardened' men dont want to deal with.

xEyelessOnex · 2025-12-29T14:50:36+00:00

I don't know about all of that. I don't really leave my house unless it's something worth leaving it for. Even with the small circle I have, I see them maybe once or twice a month. I love my boring life where I can go home with my cat and watch crime shows instead of dealing with people. My job is the only interaction that I have with people and it's not by much. To put it bluntly, I'm not lonely. I'm actually happier when I'm NOT surrounded by people when most of them act like it's a privilege for them to grace you with their presence.

ResponsibilityAny217 · 2025-12-29T15:51:14+00:00

There is a misalignment here something is getting lost in the translation and I don't know exactly what's getting lost. But here's the clues that something is missing that I have so far.

Being in relationships with men doesn't fix my loneliness at all. He really has very little effect on my loneliness. It doesn't really help with my loneliness at all.

What if it's something similar with men, what if going to hang out with other men doesn't fix their loneliness either ?

Whenever I feel lonely as a woman I don't think to get into a romantic relationship because being in romantic relationships don't fix my loneliness.

Instead I think go make friends or go hang out with friends cuz that fixes my loneliness. Seek connection - emotional connection.

So I go to the strongest source of emotional connection I have which would be other women.

I don't know if being in relationships with women are men strongest source of emotional connection ?

But if it is what then ?

They could fix it they could change it but that would be a mountain of a task, it would be transforming how male friendships are and how male relationships work.

How do we get to the point that men's strongest source of emotional connection are other men?

It's already hard to make friends as an adult, then they're going to appear as a very needy/weird friend. Self issolating feeling lonely definitely a problem.

Edit : reminded me of a scripture A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment.

Basically isolating ur self makes u even more selfish, self-centered and stupid.

wtknight · 2025-12-29T15:52:25+00:00

Getting a girlfriend is really not going to help much if you have no other friends.

Why not? If he has a girlfriend then a man has emotional companionship and sex.

If a man has male friends, then he is either hanging out with a bunch of other losers like himself who will all talk poorly about women and make him hate women even more, or he will be hanging out with some guys who are successful with women who will make fun of him for being unsuccessful with women at best, and a virgin at worse if he is that bad with the opposite sex.

If his friend group is mixed sex, then he will be tempted by his female friends who “don’t see him that way”, and will likely eventually embarrass himself by asking one of them out.

While I agree that it’s mostly unsuccessful men’s fault for not learning how to attract women, I disagree with your premise that somehow things would be a lot better for them if they had a friend group instead. This is female solipsism, and it ignores the strong need that most men innately feel to be successful with the opposite sex.

MysterySolverDog · 2025-12-29T13:32:43+00:00

No. Both men and women are far warmer to women socially. This isn't something cisgender women are constantly made aware of but it is very obvious to men. As evidence of this, trans men often say they have a really hard time adjusting to people being far colder to them when meeting for the first time. Now, there are good reasons why people are more cautious with men but you need to accept that this is an obstacle men have to deal with that women don't have to.

It makes perfect sense why men would be hit much harder by the increasing atomization of society than women. At least to some extent, this is unavoidable. Community has always been a collective responsibility. This means the burden can't be put entirely on either men or women, but it also means men can't unilaterally fix the issue ourselves.

Posts like this are damaging for multiple reasons. The first is that lonely men inherently have low social capital, they are not able to generate any of the changes you want just by themselves. The second reason, is because of radicalization. While moderate spaces have basically told lonely men to go kick rocks, radical ideological spaces have put in the work to be as welcoming to lonely men as possible. Then we wonder why so many men end up in these spaces. I'm going to assume from your "blue left" flair this isn't a favorable outcome for you. Black pillers and Red pillers have already got involved and built pipelines for lonely men, if Blue pillers want to sit out and demand lonely men fix it all themselves then the result is looking fairly predictable.

mashedturnip · 2025-12-29T16:48:49+00:00

Most men mean “sexless” when they say “loneliness”, so women are in fact to blame for not wanting to fuck them

Unhappy_Offer_1822 · 2025-12-29T12:06:46+00:00

no i think its just a side effect of social media

PuzzleheadedGrab8375 · 2025-12-29T11:38:38+00:00

Not only thar but young women are actually more lonely than men. They just don't really complain about it.

How comes that? I always thought women have god like social skills and large diverse circles of friends.

Btw is it young womens fault, and are they responsible themselves, that they are even more lonely than young men? I guess not right? That is the fault of the patriarchy am i right?

And one more question. If young women are more lonely than young men, but complain less about it, does that mean more young women are anti- social weirdos than young men?

Chance_Dog_6281 · 2025-12-29T15:39:28+00:00

Are mens social skills really to blame for a lack of friends in later like or is merely the fact most of us work a lot and if you throw in relationships and family obligations there's just no time to hang out with the boys all that often. First off let me just say. I agree with almost everything you're saying. Where you get me is that you say men are lonely because they have less social bonds while simultaneously arguing women have both stronger social bonds and more loneliness. You then throw shade by saying "women just don't complain about it as much as men". Personally I think the so called loneliness epidemic is just a talking point in the terminally online gender wars. I don't know any man who complains about being lonely. Maybe it's because men don't talk about it in real life, or maybe its just terminally online people who are lonely. I'm in my 40s and am in a long term relationship. I lost almost all my close friends years ago. I m not saying we aren't friends anymore, simply that we aren't close and rarely hang out. I have one male friend who I speak to every day but he lives several hours away. We see each other maybe once a year sometimes twice. My closest family ties are all dead, all I have left is my dad who I occasionally go out with and my half siblings some of whom I'm somewhat close to. Im blue collar, I work odd and sometimes long hours doing somewhat moderately physical labor. I don't have time for outside activity except for the gym because most gatherings or groups meet when I work. The point of all my blabbering is that life is complicated and telling people it's their fault they have no friends isn't helpful. People have jobs, people have careers, people have kids and spouses and family obligations. I spent 10 years working full time and taking care of a dying, disabled mother. When I found a girlfriend it was game over for hanging out with the boys on weekends. I didn't have time and what few bonds keeping us together snapped. It is what it is, im not griping or blaming anyone I'm simply saying there is no broad answer or solution to why some people are lonely.

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2025-12-29T19:37:51+00:00

Trying to assign blame is the wrong angle. You can make a case for it being society, biology, media, feminism, mercury retrograde, whatever

Looking for blame is the easy way out. There are steps you can take to position yourself to get better results, but they require work.

Novel-Tip-7570 · 2025-12-29T11:38:53+00:00

The gay panic of the 1900s ruined male solidarity and friendship forever. Current men don't realize that it was perfectly masculine to say you prefer the company of your male buddies over your wife's. According to the current male mindset the ancient Greeks and Romans were "gay" because they spent most of their time in the agora and the Roman bathhouses with other men.

TheOneWhoThinketh · 2025-12-29T12:05:33+00:00

I agree that it's not truly about sex or dating, but true to my flair, I'd argue it's about the punishment of public displays of masculinity.

Masculine behavior is increasingly being deemed "toxic" in public settings. Saying a joke that is mildly offensive can get you shunned from a social group, trying to explain something to a coworker who doesn't understand is labeled "mansplaining", and even public discussion of dating experiences between men is seen as something inexcusable if it suggests women are anything less than wonderful.

"Locker room talk" between men is deemed worthy of federal investigation, while the Tea app specifically designed for women to publicly share private information about specific men is seen as progressive.

When male social norms are seen as toxic, men have to publicly conform to feminine social standards that aren't inclusive of things that men actually want to participate in.

AltSnow5403 · 2025-12-29T11:43:00+00:00

Men let's

Go out and find friends. Not a girl who is a friend or a girlfriend. Anybody, anything.... Dog, cat, tortoise, gym mate, roommate, flatmate, neighbour, sports club, rock climbing club.

Carry a mentos with you all the time. If you find yourself sitting beside another person and if you feel like it's getting awkward, offer one mentos...... At least the awkwardness goes away.

If you find yourself in a conversation and you feel anxious, just breathe and try to calm down. Nobody is going anywhere.

I think I will try to participate in a rock climbing club this week.

Edit: better late than never.

Blacktransjanny · 2025-12-29T16:23:05+00:00

Women have spent the last 50 years attacking, tearing down or forcing open every male social group, yet its men who are the problem apparently.

miami2881 · 2025-12-29T13:05:42+00:00

I agree. People need to take more responsibility for their life problems and stop blaming “society” or whatever other scapegoat people like.

leefjk · 2025-12-29T16:31:50+00:00

I think male loneliness is just a nice way to say that men lament over not being able to get laid. I don't think men mind being alone that much. It's just that some of them will cry and whimper and complain about "loneliness" when they're trying to get sympathy for being unable to get laid. "Loneliness" frames it in a more relatable way rather than saying "waahh waaah why can't I be balls deep in a woman right now?". Nobody would empathize or sympathize with them if they put it that way. lol

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Away_Grapefruit2640 · 2025-12-29T22:29:30+00:00

While on one hand I agree with people ultimately being responsible for their own wellbeing.

On the other hand telling people to just make more friends is not really actionable advice. It's diplomatically telling someone they're a piece of shit.

I also question the logistics of placing the responsibility on strangers with a penis while leaving mothers, sisters, female friends and female coworkers that actually know the guy sit idle and wait for man to fix the problem.

I also don't know anyone's situation. Men on average work more hours and are stuck in commute for longer. Maybe many men genuinly don't have the time or energy to socialise more. Or maybe there are not quite as many places for men to socialise.

Livid-Log7463 · 2025-12-30T10:48:02+00:00

Male loneliness is primarily driven by men having to fit much higher standards than the standard deviation allows all of them to meet. And as for women, there are none who can be romantically alone without actively choosing to be so.

jorts-enthusiast · 2025-12-30T16:52:45+00:00

The “male loneliness epidemic” is actually a global loneliness epidemic that doesn’t really have any clear blame to place anywhere except for the rise in social media and technology replacing socialization.

Free-Ant2053 · 2025-12-30T21:48:25+00:00

Lonliness is a symptom of being a terrible person

Kingcrow33 · 2025-12-29T13:36:46+00:00

I love how many women tell men they are violent raping pieces os shit and it is men's fault they hate themselves.

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2025-12-29T11:47:34+00:00

Not only that but young women are actually more lonely than men. They just don't really complain about it.

I would say women are more open about it. It's the same with depression or medical consulation. Otherwise, thanks for saying the truth

Only_Excitement6594 · 2025-12-29T12:59:18+00:00

And we are fine about it. ⚔️

Title	It's men's fault and responsibility for 'the loneliness epidemic'
Author	Axis_Control
Upvotes	1
Comments	332
Date	December 29, 2025 9:38 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1pyi3y6/its_mens_fault_and_responsibility_for_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/its-mens-fault-and-responsibility-for-the.1569946 https://theredarchive.com/post/1569946

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