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nithanitha
[+][deleted] 5 years ago* (16 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]supremelyparanoidFDS Apprentice98 points99 points100 points 5 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Did you ever see how they cleaned their own homes?
[+][deleted] 5 years ago* (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]supremelyparanoidFDS Apprentice101 points102 points103 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Oh geez the horrors of men who shave and then never clean up the hair from the sink. Grosssssss
[+][deleted] 5 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]supremelyparanoidFDS Apprentice19 points20 points21 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I’m Scared 😢😢😢😥
[+][deleted] 5 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]MaisiebrFDS Apprentice20 points21 points22 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeah, there's a tweet somewhere that says something along the lines if why do we spend so much money on skincare if we sleep on these crusty sheets and pillows at these men's places🤷♀️
[–]melissa_nineFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
OMFG 😂😂😂
[–]toredtimetravellerFDS Newbie60 points61 points62 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
To be fair I suck at housework, the only house work I'm good at is cooking. So if my current boyfriend wants to live with me he'll have to continue doing his normal chores like before I lived there because I will just not do them, or do one thing and leave the rest for him I guess.
[–]WhoopassDietFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
We all hate chores, but as my mom said "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it"
[–]toredtimetravellerFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I don't have to do it if he can do it better 🤷
[–]toredtimetravellerFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same with me.
[–]NumbersRTacky5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I have always been the person on the lease. Take the role of power away from them and put it in your hands if you have the financial freedom to do so. Electric, water, gas, internet. All of it should be in your hands. That is the best dynamic and power structure in my opinion. Don’t feel pressured to get married. Be that woman. Be the one that is in charge of your life.
[–]LeaChanFDS Newbie509 points510 points511 points 5 years ago (53 children) | Copy Link
Also don't start a joint savings account. I don't care how good he is with money. He will find excuses to pull your hard earned cash out to spoil himself. Learned this the hard way and couldn't admit it was happening until I was several thousand dollars poorer.
[–][deleted] 180 points181 points182 points 5 years ago (25 children) | Copy Link
I won’t even do this while married 😂
[–]ms_monquisFDS Disciple114 points115 points116 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I’m a huge fan of Yours/Mine/Ours bank accounts. Surveys have shown the #1 thing that first-marrieds fight about is money. When I was married, we never fought about money, and I never felt like I had to get “permission” to buy something if I could afford it.
The marriage failed for completely unrelated reasons. 😂😂😂
[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple34 points35 points36 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
If I ever get married I want us each to have our private account and then a joint account. My paychecks go to my private account. Also if he earns more than me, he'll have to put more money in the joint account than me. No shady 50/50 here lol
[–]WhoopassDietFDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Having a very happy hv relationship with this financial arrangement.
We pay into the joint account based on income (which is currently about 50/50 but wasn't always), and thats for mortgage and utilities and food, and the occasional treat. And we have joint saving for appliances and the house and such.
And everything else is private and personal. Private checking account, private savings, private retirement system, etc.
[–]ms_monquisFDS Disciple3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I can’t imagine doing it any other way. But then I’m not one who wants to live far beyond my means. If I can afford this car, I get this car. If I need someone else’s money to afford this car, I don’t get this car.
[–]ms_monquisFDS Disciple0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
That’s what we did. We adjusted depending on who was making more, and there was always a little leftover in the joint bills account, which we’d use for a yearly vacation.
I recognize this is one of those things that’s easier when you “have enough money,” but when money is tight, you should be even more careful about who is doing what with what little resource you have. I never considered it a matter of trust, I don’t think that’s it at all. (You didn’t say that but I have heard it.) The opposite, really — I felt no need to micro-manage how he spent HIS money (and vice versa) because OUR needs were taken care of.
[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes. As long as the joint account is being used for what it should be and as long as the contribution to that account is fair, it's not really that important what each person does with their private account money.
[–]throwawayfosterthrowFDS Newbie67 points68 points69 points 5 years ago (17 children) | Copy Link
I think it depends once you’re married. Before we were married, my husband had saved up enough for a nice ring & a down payment on a house (which we bought 3 months after our wedding). He’s really diligent about money & has helped me be better with it. He added me to all his accounts when we got married. I still have my personal checking account open (that he isn’t on), I just don’t use it anymore & my paychecks are deposited into our joint account.
I think I might have a special circumstance with a safety net though. My family is close by and also well off enough that I have them as a safety net if anything went majorly wrong. I also have 60+ 3rd or closer cousins / aunts / uncles / etc in a 50 mile radius so I really don’t need to worry too much about a support network if I needed out— in all honesty, my husband would basically be run out of town if anything went seriously wrong, especially since my grandpa is friends with most of the local judges and was on the city council for many years. My dads family has been in the same area for 150 years and most people haven’t gone too far.
[–]wolf_townPickmeisha™️109 points110 points111 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You’re the exception sis, many women don’t have these kind of safety nets.
[–]throwawayfosterthrowFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
My state law protects me on that given I’m in a community property state. Moving money with the intention of divorcing a spouse will get you raked financially by the courts. A friends ex wife drained their accounts when she left & the judge delayed child support until the value of what she took that should have been his was made whole. Though she was granted temporary custody, she ultimately lost primary custody to her ex. You’ll end up with a huge asset distribution disparity if you try that in my state. That behavior is really looked down upon.
If he tried that, it’d be a temporary setback but ultimately work in my favor for the divorce. If I squirreled away money, I could actually be hurt badly by that in court for hiding money. Legally, I’d have to give him half the value of my separate account anyways in a divorce.
Plus he isn’t the type to do that & I trust him.
[–]drownthemoutFDS Newbie30 points31 points32 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Plus he isn't the type to do that & I trust him
Many women have said this before, many have been deceived. Men change from one day to another. I love and trust my boyfriend with my life, we are going to get engaged soon (he knows I want a special proposal, but my chronic illness and the current world issues going on got in the way) but he will never see any money from me. We have a common account which is in my name, and we each transfer each month an amount of money we agreed to beforehand to pay for our expenses.
[–]basicbagelsFDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I see that you wrote on FDS your husbands brother is living with you both rent free. I hope your husband instills some HVM principles in him!
[–]throwawayfosterthrowFDS Newbie-2 points-1 points0 points 5 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
I guess I should update on that. My brother-in-law went to his regular therapy session & she really helped him. He apologized & is doing much better.
He has RSD— rejection sensitivity dysphoria— which means that he can feel attacked / judged by totally normal requests. He’s also been severely depressed since covid hit & just stopped taking care of himself. He recognized that it was his mental health issues that was getting in the way. He’s generally a good kid; just glad he has a therapist to deal with setting him straight so I don’t have to. I think she must have ripped him a new one or something, he came out of the therapy session with a whole different attitude.
Edit to add: if he pulls a stunt like that again, we’ll be kicking him out though! My husband left it up to me (but was on board with kicking him out) & I decided to give his brother another chance. He’s young & trying to be better.
[–]basicbagelsFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I know what it means. As someone with a psych degree, I hope that isn’t just an excuse, as RSD isn’t a condition itself. Hoping he gets well soon!
[–]throwawayfosterthrowFDS Newbie-1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
RSD is something that comes along with his adhd from what I understand (you’d know more than me about that). Trouble remembering to pick up after himself is probably also a symptom of ADHD because messy rooms is apparently something they struggle with.
He was living with us for no issues for over a year before the problems first started back in April & got progressively worse. He’s already much closer to his normal self with the help of his therapist. I get that it’s not very FDS to continue to help my BIL— but he’s like a little brother, young, & is trying very hard to do better. This is the first time he’s lived away from his parents.
[–]cheesymacaroonyFDS Apprentice110 points111 points112 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
This is super lucky. Men behave if there is a community of people around a woman who can take him down if scrote behaviour appears. If a woman has zero support network she is more vulnerable to abuse - financial, sexual and otherwise. Spare a thought for these women before you brag on the Internet about being immune to abusive men because you happen to be surrounded by a family system you were lucky enough to be born into. You are in a highly privileged position.
[–]basicbagelsFDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is the most accurate thing I’ve read, ever.
[–]throwawayfosterthrowFDS Newbie51 points52 points53 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Having a family system doesn’t make one immune to abuse.... it just means it’s easier to get out of a bad situation. My mom had a great family system too (about 1/3 of my nearby relatives are from her side), yet her first husband (whose my half brothers dad) was abusive. She got herself out but it didn’t make her immune to it in the first place. Knowing the red flags— because my mom talked to me about it— helped me avoid bad men. My parents taught me a very similar strategy to FDS.
I’m privileged for my small home town sure but it’s not like my family is 1%ers or anything. I just have lots of family nearby & a family culture that keeps in touch with extended family— which is more the norm in small towns than big cities btw.
[+][deleted] 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]throwawayfosterthrowFDS Newbie-2 points-1 points0 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My husband asks me about every purchase that isn’t budgeted (and vice versa). We talk 2 times a month about the budget. We never say no to the other person, instead we’ll discuss a timeline for the purchase (e.g. we need to save 3 months for it) or ask the other if it’s worth giving up xyz for that thing. So, neither of us ever feel judged for it wanting to purchase something. We have a really healthy relationship around money / finances.
In my state, it doesn’t matter how separate you keep your finances, you still have to split everything from every account — including debt accrued during the marriage even on a credit card that only had one of you on it, though sometimes a judge will make an exception if the other person was unaware of it— 50/50 unless a judge determines otherwise (like if there was abuse or cheating or you pursue an at fault divorce, the aggrieved party could get more assets than the other). If you add even one cent to an account of money you earned during marriage, it becomes commingled & that account is equally both of yours even if only your name is on it. Pre-nups are pretty air right here though, so that’s what most people with lots of assets going into a marriage do.
[–]4BigDataFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My dads family has been in the same area for 150 years and most people haven’t gone too far.
This is perfection! Hopefully, we can return to this once remote work becomes the new normal, no need to move away from our families.
[+]cheesymacaroonyFDS Apprentice-6 points-5 points-4 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Ever wondered if your husband is married to you because of your powerful family rather than, like, genuinely liking you? If you stripped away your powerful family - would he even give you the time of day ? Probably not.
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple13 points14 points15 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Lol what in her statement made you come to this conclusion? She just married a HVM (supposedly) so lucky for her. Let’s be happy for her.
[–][deleted] 136 points137 points138 points 5 years ago (14 children) | Copy Link
Always keep your own bank account. It’s ok to also have a joint account when you’re married, but every woman should have their own account in case they need to leave.
Always have a backup plan! I’m married to a HVM and I still feel this way lol. It’s just smart to take care of yourself.
[+][deleted] 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] 5 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]ThisAintMyOnlyUNFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
To add on to your list: also consider a pre-nup that will protect your assets (whatever you determine them to be). If he won’t sign, don’t marry him.
Marriage is a contract and the courts don’t care about your feelings, just state law. And I’ve never heard a divorce between a woman and a LVM ever being fair or easy.
[–]AverageToHotRuthless Strategist1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is all so complicated and from the quality of men we have these days, it doesn’t sound like marriage is worth it, especially if the husband turns out to be a LVM in the end. It’s making me consider not getting married at all. 😬
[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Why would you hide that you have a personal account if you're married to a HVM? A good man sees no issue in a woman having her own account so there shouldn't be need of hiding. Men who see issue with that are often abusers. A HVM being mad at a woman having financial secrets with him I can understand, I would if my husband lied to me and kept detrimental financial information from me. But a HVM wouldn't oppose to a woman having her personal account.
[–]2021IsOurYearToShineFDS Newbie53 points54 points55 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
100% agree.
We have 2 joint accounts that we use for everyday expenses and savings but only his wages go into that. All of my wages go into my own account that my husband doesn't have access to.
When I initially approached that conversion I told him that eventually I would be giving up my ability to earn any income because I would be having a child for us and so I wanted to ensure I had a safety net just incase. He agreed that if we were ever in a position that God forbid something happened to him, he wanted to know I had the ability to withdraw money he had earned to take care of us.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
[–]AverageToHotRuthless Strategist4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
And any man who dismisses this real concern is a LVM. I’m glad it worked out for you.
[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Totally agree. A good man won't see a problem in a woman having their own bank account. Mostly is the abusers (specially financial abusers) who see an issue with private bank accounts.
[–]Ayzel_Kaidus3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I wish I could even open a bank account, now I don’t work and have no way to even make my own money
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Why don’t you work?
[–]Ayzel_Kaidus4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I recently found out I have a heart condition, my doctor doesn't want me to until we can find out what it causing it... Also, I'm really not qualified for much.
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Gotcha, that makes sense. Is there anything you could do remotely? Like a call center or something? Not glamorous work but could give you the ability to earn your own income.
[–]Newwavesupport3657FDS Newbie30 points31 points32 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My father did this with my mother. I had to make a savings in secret.
Never ever trust a man who wants anything to do with YOUR hard earned cash!
[–]supremelyparanoidFDS Apprentice14 points15 points16 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This! Also the only person allowed to waste my own money is me!
[–]Pudding5050Pickmeisha™️5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Having your own income and your own savings is so important. Don't pool your income with his until you're married and maybe not even then. It's really not until you have children that it's worth considering joint economies (and again, maybe not even then..)
[–]preppykatFDS Newbie14 points15 points16 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I’d only agree to this if he makes more money than me lmao.
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same here. I won’t be losing out on anything lol
[–]heythereitsemilyFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Also budget bills together! One person shouldn’t be responsible for all that stress and responsibility.
[–]ThisAintMyOnlyUNFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My mom told me the exact same thing and whoo was I happy I listened. Every single LVM I ever dated long term (sigh) tried to get me to “pool resources” but I never did. I also never split bills 50/50 as I always made far less than they did but I did offer a percentage based off my salary and they all got so mad lol
There are so many scrotes out there that see you as a bangmaid with money and some come dressed in expensive suits.
Lesson of the story being, keep your coin, protect it at all costs and never believe any man has your best financial interest in mind.
[–]CoffeeBeforeAdultyFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Very little saved me from having to deal with a whole month or more of my ex being on the lease and having a joint credit account with him. I am sorry but I should have known.
Thing is, he never paid a dime of rent. No job. I was told by a friend that the way he left meant that I could get his name scrubbed from the lease just by asking her to.
Next day, I went to the bank and got him removed from my savings account (there was a time he had a job so this boy job breadcrumbed me if that's a thing) and cancelled my joint credit account with him. 🤮🤮🤮🤮
Then, to make it impossible for him to come back, I got the locks changed in case he had the spares (he didn't but I felt more secure so). 🤷♀️ After/during that whole shebangle, my mom and a friend came over to help me pack the shit he left behind into like 2 plastic tubs and some shelf looking thing my mom brought. I got sick of seeing it all sitting on my couches the next day (and the thought of him in my house again to pick it up made me want to vomit) and put em on my back porch for him to get within the next 2 weeks.
Wait...I probably have this out of order but he did come by for some of his clothes I already had packed in trash bags (didn't want him digging through drawers and looking for clothes) looking haunted or whatever. Only to then bombard me with l "Are you going to replace me?" and "You can still call me if you get lonely." and other AUDACIOUS shit in front of the woman he was moving in with and a mutual friend.
I was so pissed. Especially, when he hugged me. I didn't move to hug him back. I was steaming and wanted to hit him, but I knew this woman would probably call the police or whatever (mega pickme) and I just wanted them OUT.
[–]AbsintheM0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My partner suggested we open a joint account but he is the breadwinner and I won’t be putting money in. Is that bad for me?
[–]SNA411L0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
We have a joint savings account -- but we also have our individual accounts. It makes a ton of sense to have a joint account for joint expenses, just don't put all your eggs in the same basket....
[–]verusckaFDS Disciple120 points121 points122 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I almost did this last year, tg we broke up! I can’t imagine the hell that would have been quarantining with him for months. It might be more expensive to live alone, but at least I have inner peace.
[–][deleted] 52 points53 points54 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Agreed. There is no point. My ex scrote stole thousands of dollars worth of power tools and camping equipment that I bought in my name as he was moving out his stuff.
Rather than fight him for it I let it go. Better to see the back of him than deal with him ever again.
According to that scrote what was mine was his and what was his was his.
He had one of the blackest souls I have come across.
I will never let a man into my space again.
[–]fim_de_semanaFDS Apprentice343 points344 points345 points 5 years ago (14 children) | Copy Link
No cohabitating without a ring!
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 163 points164 points165 points 5 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
👏🏾 under 👏🏾 no 👏🏾 circumstances
[–]peachpy54FDS Apprentice45 points46 points47 points 5 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
And you should make sure it's not one of those "shut up" rings... make sure a date for the wedding is set!
[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple28 points29 points30 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Agree. If your goal is marriage then he has to give you the ring AND have the date set and announced to close family and friends. There is the forever girlfriend but forever fiance is also a thing.
[–]peachpy54FDS Apprentice22 points23 points24 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
For sure. Let’s make this even more specific. HIS close family and friends and COWORKERS. With these sorts of dudes you need to close every loophole. Remember, a man hasn't committed to you until he has given to you his 4 types of capital; literal capital (ring), and then familial, social, and professional capital aka a date set and announced to important people (boss must be included, not just coworkers) in those 3 groups.
Women wouldn't need to define this shit like lawyers on Adderall, but we have to because men don't treat women in a good faith manner. Just try reading the "ask men reddit" they really advise the same thing we do.
[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You're totally right. I forgot the coworkers and boss included. We all know that some men will hide their significant others from their workplace. That's a big red flag in my opinion.
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 19 points20 points21 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
My cousin did this with his girlfriend and they got pregnant. And even at their engagement party she was like- I still want to make sure we do a full on wedding! Never happened poor thing. He’s a dirt bad too. Three kids later, he’s out drinking all the time, doesn’t respect her because he makes so much money, heat thinks a wedding would be a waste of money.
My uncle and aunt tried to intervene on her behalf once, and they said he was being abusive toward her in front of them- which is ultimate disrespect in my culture.
Anyway, they offered to have her move into a house they own, right next to their house with the kids. Nice of them, but can you imagine the shitty position she’s in? She can’t even get away because she doesn’t have enough money and needs my cousin/my uncle&aunt to pay for kids stuff (school fees etc)
When I post shit here I am not joking. I have sooooo many of these stories.
By the way, my cousin started off as a “great” guy. Great career, hard working, so funny, life of the party, romantic and very sweet. But he got bored of his wife and now this is what she gets!
[–]AverageToHotRuthless Strategist11 points12 points13 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Even though a man might seem HV, he can always become a LVM. We have to watch out for men with the tendency to get bored with their partner.
[–]peachpy54FDS Apprentice4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is terrible and really upsetting how a man can seem so "high value" until his behavior obviously shows otherwise. Gross.
This is exactly what happens when a woman has no more leverage. Don't get it twisted, a man always knows what you're next best option is. That's why you always need to have your financial, emotional, psychological, health, familial, PROFESSIONAL (which is why I'd personally never leave my job when I start my family - I'll turn down the volume on my career at the same rate as my husband, if absolutely necessary) game on lock.
I've done a lot of in-depth study on the theory of negotiations, and when it comes down to it, your counter-party (boyfriend/husband, in this case), always knows what your Next Best Likely Option (NBLO). And it's not just Next Best Option, it's next best LIKELY option. Even if a Forever Girlfriend has high enough social capital to get a high quality boyfriend if she left, it doesn't matter if the current shitty boyfriend knows that she's willing to accept anything in her current situation (for whatever reason it is, shitty boyfriends rarely have the emotional depth/curiosity to question why).
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
[–]BorderszFDS Newbie80 points81 points82 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
People always call me crazy saying, "Oh but you wouldn't know what it is like to live with them, what if it is so bad". If I think their living habits are so bad I can't marry them then there were a plethora of red flags I missed beforehand. And you can live w/your fiance during that 1 year period of wedding planning to see what living w/them entails too. Like why do I need to live with my boyfriend? What if things go sour? We're just dating
[–]basicbagelsFDS Newbie107 points108 points109 points 5 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
One of my best friends did this and is currently living with her bf. She complained to me the other day how her bf doesn’t lift a finger and she does all the work... cleaning, cooking, and driving him to grad school. Pickme 101 🙄
[–]TulsiThyme14 points15 points16 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Everyone I know who moved in with bfs did it in the hopes in would pressure the guys into engagement and maybe improving their habits. It just doesn't work like that.
[–]basicbagelsFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yup. She’s disappointed they’re not engaged yet. And he is taking his sweet time. He’s in no rush
[–]MonarchCrew1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Y’all I just wanna say I know this is MONTHS old but I think I just... saw my future. Oh my god. Wow. Yikes. Thank you.
[–]basicbagelsFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You got this sis!! Stay strong ❤️
[–]kettleodumplinsFDS Newbie11 points12 points13 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Bet he complains that she nags and that he has to share a car with her.
🤡🤡
[–]basicbagelsFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
How did you know 😂 they split all household expenses in a spreadsheet, created by him, to make sure they’re fair and even 🤡
That’s the way it should be!!
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple67 points68 points69 points 5 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
Oof made the mistake of moving in once. Never again. I’m only doing it without a ring if he pays all the bills and I get to save the rent. Otherwise no thanks.
Edit: jokes aside I’d rather have inner peace. I learned you gain nothing from moving in with men and you can see how they live without cohabitating. Please don’t move in with men without a ring!
[–]FewButterscotch6FDS Newbie27 points28 points29 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah, my learning experience was cohabiting for seven years with nothing but the promise of a promise ring. Bills and rent were split 70/30 with me paying the larger share and when we split up, I left with nothing but my clothes, my cat and some of his credit card debt. Never. again.
[–]EuphoraAuroraFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same, girl. Learned my lesson the hard way on this one.
[–]Suspicious_TrickFDS Newbie200 points201 points202 points 5 years ago (47 children) | Copy Link
I understand the sentiment completely, and support it wholeheartedly for most women. However, what about those of us not interested in marriage? Please don’t hate, I swear I’m not a pickme 😅 I just love my vetted partner and want to cohabitate without marriage (ever) 🤷🏻♀️
[–][deleted] 71 points72 points73 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
keep things in your name!!!
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 61 points62 points63 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
You know I’ve been thinking about your post the last couple of hours. Thanks for bringing this to the table- many HV women can relate to not wanting a marriage.
I guess what I’d say to you, is try to define for yourself, in your own terms exactly what it is you want. Be honest with yourself- be bold, you deserve the relationship of your dreams.
And whatever that is just make sure you’re not stepping into “playing house” BEFORE you get the version of the relationship you seek. Make sure you don’t give up the goods until your partner has met the level of commitment that you desire and deserve.
[–]cherieblosumFDS Disciple70 points71 points72 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Then you do you.
[–]hanscons123 points124 points125 points 5 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link
yeah its a pretty sexist and old school thought that everyone here assumes marriage is the woman's goal. i would like a life partner, but unless theres a benefit of bomb health insurance i have zero interest in ever getting married.
[–]notochordFDS Newbie67 points68 points69 points 5 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
Yep. It’s a total scam that does not benefit us AT ALL!
[+][deleted] 5 years ago* (9 children) | Copy Link
[–]notochordFDS Newbie27 points28 points29 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Oh I agree about that 100%! There are many financial and legal reasons to get married but none to cohabitate without a ring.
[+][deleted] 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
[removed]
[–]FewButterscotch6FDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
You can but it's not a good idea. Breakups with shared property are usually much messier than divorces because there are really no laws that dictate a standard practice for splitting it up. If it ended up going to court, you'd be dealing with a civil court judge and they're not as experienced in these kinds of situations as family court judges are. I think a woman is more likely to get shafted when dealing with civil court in a breakup than family court in a divorce.
[–]AverageToHotRuthless Strategist2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
People who got fucked over “deserve whatever shit comes to them.” I understand personal responsibility, but your comment is quite judgmental.
“Sorry about y’all who got fucked over tho.” Like who says that? We don’t need your negative vibes in this community. 👋🏻
[–]shallowgirl89FDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
why would you want to be with a guy that reqires you to pay half of his mortgage? One of the cornerstones of FDS is man has to be the provider. He should take care of his mortgage payment it is his house.
If I was living in the house of a man who owns the house, I wouldn't be paying for mortgage. I'd want to live there "rent free" and then spare that money for my own personal accounts. It's the bare minimum to live in a man's house with no prospects of marriage.
[+][deleted] 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]textbasedpanda52 points53 points54 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Same here, I see no point in marriage at all.
I think "no cohabitation until engagement" works fine in most cases, but the fact is in my city the only way to avoid having roommates is to live with an SO. And I'd feel way more "at home" living with a partner.
[–]abirdoftheskyFDS Newbie125 points126 points127 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
That’s why the price of rent has been and continues to be a feminist issue. We need to be able to have safe and secure housing on our own in order to be free from economic entrapment.
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 41 points42 points43 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 this is the best dissertation defense I have ever been to. Thank you. Clear pass.
[–][deleted] 21 points22 points23 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I would not have child support if I did not marry my ex husband. It was in the divorce decree and he didn’t even show up to court for our divorce. He’s been a ghost for 4 years.
It’s the only reason why I’m glad I married. I never got tax or health benefits. All of those financial perks are a sham.
[–]FewButterscotch6FDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
If you live in the US, you would've gotten child support regardless of marital status. And if your income is below a certain threshold, then the state would do all the work of pursuing it on your behalf and foot all the legal bills for going after him if he's non-compliant. This is one of the few things that the US government does right by kids with and most people don't know how it all works unless they're a deadbeat dad or enabler complaining about it.
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I wish it would have been “regardless” but he jumped state when he got out of jail. I wouldn’t have child support at all if it wasn’t for the divorce decree. They can’t find him. He doesn’t have a license and he never changes his address with the post office.
I’ve tried to get it modified a thousand times and they won’t because they can’t verify his address and he bounces from job to job.
[–]SpicyReptile7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Seriously. My partner and I have been together for 5 years. Neither one of us wants to get married or have children. We are also okay with the idea that one day we might not be right for each other anymore and we might move on. We moved in together after 2 years of dating and a year ago we moved across the country together. We have our own separate bank accounts. We love each other dearly and we are quite happy with what we're doing. I love living with him; wouldn't have it any other way.
Not everyone's goal is to get married and stay together forever, and that's okay. I think it's important to have backups and plans for if/when a breakup happens of course. For instance, we have been talking about purchasing a home together. But before we do that, we would make agreements on what we would do with said property if we were to break up.
[–]Newwavesupport3657FDS Newbie24 points25 points26 points 5 years ago (14 children) | Copy Link
Was going to ask this; marriage is inherently patriarchal and I’m not a fan of feeling like I belong to someone legally. I like the idea of a life long committed partner and I don’t need a ring for commitment personally. The idea of traveling together, staying the night at each other’s houses, and just having fun with each other is more appealing to me than being a house wife.
[+][deleted] 5 years ago* (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]hanscons22 points23 points24 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
uhh what women are just shacking it up at houses that their bfs own? do you actually know anyone who does this? the only homeowners i currently know (and im a millennial) are women. they have their bfs or friends contribute to their mortgage. any other woman i know that lives with their man is renting from a third party landlord. if ive ever heard of a woman living in a mans house he owned, she wasnt paying rent.
[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'd love to own a house but a the same time having a man living in there, he'd have to properly contribute.
[–]Newwavesupport3657FDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I rather own my own space personally.
[–]shallowgirl89FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Don't pay half of men's mortgage. It is his house he should take care of it. This to me sound so pickme you moving in with your man and assuming all the responsibilities of being his bangmaid plus you pay his mortgage? If he wants you to pay him he should get a flatmate/roommate instead of a girlfriend/wife. You are his woman and he shouldn't ask you to contribute to his mortgage. Men will let their bros live with them rentfree but expect their girlfriends/fiances/wifes to pay them so these women can be their bangmaids. Crazy.
[–]luvmyvulvaxoxoFDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I agree but that’s what women typically do. That’s part of why FDS advises against living together. Women always end up giving more than they should.
[–]CatSweetsFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I think exactly like you. My dream is to have a life partner whom I'm not married to and don't live with
Is this too much to ask? 😅
[–]CatSweetsFDS Newbie16 points17 points18 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I don't think marriage would be advantageous for me, since I don't want to have children. I understand that marriage can give security to some women, especially if they have children - but as a childfree woman, mixing finances and cohabitating with a man would be nothing but trouble.
[–]Newwavesupport3657FDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
THIS. As an ex Mormon, the concept of marriage makes me want to puke. I don’t want to hear that a man is “low value” because he doesn’t want to own me im sorry but NO. Marriage laws are property laws.
[–]Newwavesupport3657FDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
To be owned by a man via marriage? Fuck that shit.
[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
As a divorced woman, this is where I currently am. I don't want to live with or be married to a man ever again.
[–]NowTrulyFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Relatedly, here’s another thing to consider about marriage, home mortgage, and equity: CONTRIBUTIONS.
Both your names may be on the title, but if only one party is paying down the mortgage, their payments will be deducted from the home’s equity IN THEIR FAVOR — and you’re left splitting a smaller pot.
I married as a pick-me. This lesson, I learned the hard way.
He tried to buy our marital home in his name only, while I was working out-of-state. He said that “of course” it’s still OUR HOME — we got it after we got married. There was no need to take any extra steps to make sure my name was on the title. I argued with him that AS HIS WIFE, my name should be on the title as a matter of course (instead of salting the earth as I walked away, as I should’ve done when he tried this bullshit move.)
Then, he helpfully suggested that he’d pay the mortgage, and I could pay the rest of the household bills. “It’s just simpler that way,” he told me reassuringly. Maybe if we lived in Hawaii, or some other high COLA area, that would’ve been an equitable split. Newsflash: we didn’t, it wasn’t, and HE FUCKING KNEW THAT. I was paying the lion’s share of the household bills, even as he would moan and groan about each month’s mortgage payment. I was the proverbial frog-in-boiling-water, though: I didn’t notice the sizeable inequity until after it was too late.
When the issue of equity of the marital home came up in the divorce, I had to fight the judge, his lawyer AND my lawyer to get it properly evaluated. Everybody claimed the house was underwater: I knew it wasn’t. But after the house valuation came back MUCH higher than previously acknowledged, I still had to eat the loss of his mortgage payments from the equity split. There was no fighting that — even though what I was paying in household bills each month was literally 2-3 times what he paid in mortgage payment.
Again: I was paying for everything from the food on the table to the electricity keeping the lights on to the home nurse for our newborn, but NONE OF THAT WAS TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT IN COURT.
Mortgage payments. If you’re not splitting them, you’re setting that money on fire.
Final Protip: if most of your “HVM” husband’s friends are divorced, they’re coaching him on all these little tricks. Bros taking care of bros, eternal vows be damned.
Don’t hang up your FDS goggles when you get married, ladies. FDS FOR LIFE, or suffer the consequences.
[–]ThisAintMyOnlyUNFDS Newbie18 points19 points20 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I’m going to tag onto your story for all the younger ladies re: paying mortgage. But first I would like to say that I am so sorry you went through this and I truly hope you are in a better place :/ The bros always have - and always will have - their bro’s backs, we really need help each other.
This won’t be short but it is a shining example of how low a LVM will go after getting you to move in with him:
I was in a relationship with a LVM who owned a house (he didn’t take care of the house or the acre it sat on but he had a house 🤷🏼♀️ ) - he also had an entire basement apartment he rented out to a family for $1500. Eventually I moved in, the family moved out, a coworker moved in.
A whole dang field of red flags popped up about a year following - the LV ex started implying that I didn’t do anything & wasn’t contributing enough (sound familiar??). Keep in mind I did a lot of unpaid labor: I took care of his son, I did the majority of the housework, bought groceries, prepared meals on top of working full time & paying utilities.
Eventually these demeaning “conversations” turned into me paying rent. I balked immediately. Paying rent vs paying mortgage are two wildly different animals - I would receive exactly 0 benefits from paying his mortgage. I told him to put me on the deed to his house + split the equity & I would consider it. He laughed & said no.
So I played gray fox & asked how much he wanted, he said half of his mortgage which, coincidentally, was $1500. I then asked how much his coworker was paying & he wouldn’t answer (I had seen many checks, it was $700, 0 utilities).
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what was happening. First & foremost: he was lying. Second - my shitty ex wanted to make a profit off his effing gf bc he was too cowardly to ask the coworker to pay the value of the apt. The ex would only be paying $800 (I was paying utilities). The dude thought I would just say yes and/or not figure out that I would be paying more than either him or his stupid coworker meanwhile they both got paid a 6 figure salary WITH overtime. My answer was the same: deed, equity. His answer was no, so I said no rent 🙃
To add insult: He also asked me to split the cost of replacing all his front-facing windows ($6k). I said no & then told him all the ways he could use the benefits he received as a house owner to finance the costs. Best bet he took none of my advice, shelled out $6k he apparently had laying around, & since he played himself so hard I deducted all the housework, babysitting his son, biweekly grocery bills, + the cost of filling the oil tank from the cost of the utilities & there was nothing he could do about it bc they were all in his name. I saw his financial statements (again, he could not stop playing himself) - turns out he was horrible with money (🙄) & saw me as a viable alternative to his own financial irresponsibility.
I am not a queen. I have dated many LVM - on top of there being so many of them, I had 0 representations of a good relationship & had been conditioned into thinking difficult relationships were normal. HOWEVER, I am petty af & do not appreciate being treated like I’m stupid or lesser than.
Even though this is a rather straight forward example, I caution that even the nice ones will try to pull a fast one if they see you as a means to personally benefit.
Protect what is yours (get a pre-nup, pls), vet always, and if he tries to guilt you into or out of something because of love or whatever, just leave.
[–]NowTrulyFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hahaha “petty af” is now part of a complete breakfast, as far as I’m concerned. Won’t start my day without it.
And thank God you saw the play coming! You were caring for HIS kid and he STILL wanted to swindle you! It makes you wonder how there are things like the Geneva convention in the world, when the depths of these scrotes’ immorality is practically bottomless.
And I shared that mortgage payment story for sisters to see two truths:
Marriage does provide some protection from scrote predation — but it’s not ironclad. (And these assholes are sharing the loopholes with each other.) (AND sometimes those legal loopholes are shackles that yoke you to a scrote harder than non-marriage—but that’s another story.)
Even when you’re “happily” married ... it doesn’t mean they’re not scheming. This guy was taking advantage of his new WIFE! And I wanted HIM to know how invested I was ...! 🤦🏻♀️
The life of a pick me. That way lies only ruin and regret.
Again: FDS for LIFE, ladies! ✊🏼
[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I'm just so happy you were smart (and petty lol) enough to stand your ground and push back hard. I'm the same way.
[–]ThisAintMyOnlyUNFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
ME TOO. The day I just up and left was the most liberating day of that decade.
I’m glad there are other people out there who embrace their pettiness lol it has saved me more often than not
[–]suspended_animation_FDS Newbie61 points62 points63 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I won't ever again. It was a terrifying trap. Never never never again...
[–]Kind_Entertainment_6FDS Newbie26 points27 points28 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It seemed like a good idea before, but you are right, it is the finest mouse trap filled with tempting cheese, but a trap it is
[–]mscristalconnorsFDS Newbie26 points27 points28 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Don’t do it! He can pay my rent but he ain’t living here 😭
[–]ScrappleSandwichesFDS Newbie58 points59 points60 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
How about all these people wanting to buy a house together without being married? Asked at least once a month on /r/legaladvice. “But I don’t beeellieeve in marriage! So how can I protect myself legally if I do it?”
Good Lordy, if somebody wants you to buy a house with them but not marry them, run run run. Or buy it and make them your tenant. Or co-sign a loan for a Hummer with your meth-head cousin, because that’s a better investment.
[–]ScrappleSandwichesFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I don’t plan to get married again either, but that “piece of paper” means a lot. There are more than 1,000 legal benefits of marriage, including methods for dividing assets.
A real estate lawyer will charge you $300+ an hour to tell you the same thing, never ever ever buy property together with someone you aren’t married to.
Whatever legal documents you make won’t mean much if they are on the deed and the mortgage.
[–]perhapsbutnottodayFDS Disciple18 points19 points20 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Admins, some re-flairing please. Half the comments are 🤮
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Bruh. The amount of pickmes under this post. We get it. You’re not afraid to be a forever girlfriend😂
Also don’t understand caring about cohabitating if you don’t want to get married but oh well.
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
What flair do you think should have been used?
[–]Amy3e13FDS Newbie11 points12 points13 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Reflairing some people from FDS Newbie to Pickmeisha. You made good points with your post but many Pickmes have infiltrated it.
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It’s actually so sad. At first I was trying to respond to all these girls, with like older sister tough love. But now I know- THEY DONT WANT TO HEAR IT.
it’s so damn sad.
[–]kmblueFDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Agreed. Some of these comments have me going 😲
[–]richinsunnyhours18 points19 points20 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Wish I had seen this a year and a half ago. FML!
[–]Lily618FDS Newbie14 points15 points16 points 5 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
Omg living alone feels so damn good. No thank you
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
I didn’t move in with anyone until I was 29! And shortly after that person became my husband. I had the best twenties. Not a single regret. I lived on 3 different continents. Went to college and grad school where I wanted to go. I now speak 4 languages. I have friends all over the world I’ve travelled so much and feel I understand the world from a very different perspective.
And because I worked hard and challenged myself my career is doing great. Even though my husband earns more I still can afford my lifestyle . Money is not keeping us together , but I appreciate what he brings to the table.
Anyway, it’s because I poured into myself. And I really really really want other young women to do that for themselves BEFORE they do that for another person.
[–]Microwave79FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Do you have separate accounts and a joint account? Or just separate money accounts?
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Okay I love money stuff, so please indulge me, I’m going to go into serious details.
How we share money: We both contribute a percentage of our earnings to a joint a account. That percentage increases as you make more money. Basic democratic socialist principles. For example: If you make 10,000/month you pay 70% of your income to the shared account. If you make 5,000/month you pay 50% of your income.
Living Expenses: All our living expenses come out of the joint account. Most expenses go onto a credit card (points!) that has a very manageable credit limit so neither party could do any real damage to the other. Living expenses includes mortgage, food,bills, my gym and monthly upkeep stuff (hair nails) :)
Joint Savings: We have short term and long term savings. We both have separate “long term” savings accounts. This is for emergency fund (6months living expenses) and other larger investments like real estate investments and other long term goals (businesses/vacation house). We build up these accounts in increments. So for example, this quarter we’ll set aside 10,000 to go into my account, next quarter 10,000 to go into his. I always have a bit more, but we’re basically at the same level as we volley back and forth building up these savings. We DONT use this money to buy liabilities - like a new car or a jet ski! This is for assets only. This is so we’re always financially healthy.
The short term savings is for that fun stuff that we don’t want to buy on a whim- because that’s how you end up in debt. So we use this for vacations, new car, furniture etc. We save first then buy.
We pay off our credit in full every month.
Personal Savings: I have no idea what he does (lol), but I put away 15% of my income into ETFs and secure investments and don’t even think of it. It’s my rainy day fund. I never factor it into my money or get tempted to use it.
My husband and I are a team and we both feel this set up is totally fair and we feel like equal partners. I pray that we stay together until our last breaths. But I ain’t a chump- I know shit happens, and at the end of the day- he’s just a man. So who knows, best case scenario I live a long and happy life with this guy and get to leave my daughter my rainy fund or spend it on a sail boat when I turn 60!
[–]thighsmatchFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I love this ted talk! How much do you put in per month to the joint short term account?
Thanks .
7.5 % of our take home income goes to short term savings. I think we should be doing more. I think it should be closer to 12.5% in short term.
[–]Microwave79FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Oh wow....
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Lol. I feel like you walked into a ted talk you didn’t sign up for
[–]Microwave79FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Its ok. Lol. So its basically a "mine, yours, and ours" bank account system?
[–]thatslikemy4thaccuntFDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes! All the time and energy that went into the moving, creating a home and then taking care of almost every chore. All the money lost. Never. Again.
[–][deleted] 108 points109 points110 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
This is one part of FDS that I don’t quite agree with. I get the sentiment for sure, but I would never marry someone I hadn’t lived with.
Keep a separate bank account and have a backup plan should the relationship go south. Breaking a lease sucks but it’s not the end of the world.
However, I would say 10000% do not buy a house with someone you are not married to (or in a long-term committed partnership with). I’ve had a few friends learn this very hard lesson. One friend paid half of the down payment but the house was in his name. When they broke up, she got nothing and he kept the house.
[–]SunnydaleHSDropoutFDS Newbie35 points36 points37 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I’m waiting until engagement next time. Long enough for me to see how he cares for his own place, but soon enough that if living with him is hell, I can break off the engagement.
[–]ShadowRealmDwellerFDS Apprentice2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I would do this too, next time. There are lots of issues that arise from living together that you can't see even if you've spent a lot of time at their place. Some of these issues are minor and can be worked out, some cannot.
[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Maybe. But I spent whole weekends at an ex's house and it was clear very early on that he wasn't someone I could share a home with.
[–]Educational_StayFDS Newbie29 points30 points31 points 5 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
Yea I don’t really understand the fixation on avoiding cohabitation without a ring. A ring isn’t going to make them better to live with or more compatible in your life. The idea of Marrying with someone before living with them is horrifying, more so as in - you’re more “stuck” once you’re married? And a ring won’t change his crusty bedsheets or mean that you’re not playing maid. I’m glad I lived with my now husband before we tied the knot. We lived together for over 2 years. And now have been married for over 2. No regrets. But to each Their own I guess
[–][deleted] 12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Right? It’s much quicker and easier to break a lease than to get divorced!
[–]BellaStayFlyFDS Disciple14 points15 points16 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I paid off my house and take great pleasure in knowing it’s forever mine. It’s my happy place and makes me feel secure.
[–]guavagoodnessFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
GIIIIIIRL!!!! They don’t wanna hear this!!!!!
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Imagine, they really don’t. So many bloody excuses!!! “But I don’t want marriage... He’s HV!” It’s really sad. I’m telling you, the stories I have between my friends, family and loved ones I could fill a book. Don’t do it girl. But they don’t want to hear it.
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
People always think they’re the exception until they’re not. I guess they’ll just have to learn the hard way. We’ll find them back with an update post saying they were wrong, just watch.
[–]kmblueFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Never sign a lease with a boyfriend. Never move in with a boyfriend who owns their house. Get married and have a joint account that is used specifically to pay the mortgage to make sure there's equal equity. If you don't want to get married, it's best just to live in your own place or live with roommates who you aren't dating. Even if you date women instead of men, it's best to still get married before moving in with your significant other.
There isn't a man out there, LVM or HVM, who won't get tempted to take advantage of you if you put yourself in the position to be taken advantage of. No matter what, even in relationships with HVM, women give more than the man. That includes cooking, cleaning, children, overall household management. Even if you have help, the woman tends to be the one hiring and managing the help. Get that equity and everything you can to help yourself. Moving in without the legal protection of marriage is setting yourself up to be screwed.
[–]Rosievw9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
And sadly don't get a pet together, potential emotional blackmail, have your own
[–]AlienElyssa29FDS Newbie53 points54 points55 points 5 years ago (14 children) | Copy Link
I recently did. Its turned out well, he does most of the cleaning and all of that.
Don't feel like his maid.. at all.
[–]ThunderofHipHipposFDS Apprentice31 points32 points33 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think there are a lot of variables to consider.
Do you want marriage?
Is his name on the lease?
Are you in a place you couldn't afford on your own?
If you answered 'no' to all of the above, you're probably fine.
[–]AlienElyssa29FDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Very thoughtful.
I appreciate your insight
[–]peachpy54FDS Apprentice10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Maybe YOU need to put a ring on HIM! You found a one in a billion! Literally every single other situation I have seen in my life has turned out badly. Like this 40 year old Pickme Forever Girlfriend that is literally begging her live-in boyfriend to get married to her. After 6.5 Years. She has no leverage, and he won't do it, of course. And he even seems like such a HVM type of guy. She is suffering mightily under the sunk cost fallacy, and she can't fathom that she's WASTED HER 30s, so she's going to continue WASTING HER 40s, trying to change a man who just won't change. She's losing more and more leverage everyday, because she just gets more and more desperate.
She of coures got bamboozled into a 50/50 arrangement for their rent and bills, even though she makes 35k, and he makes 150k. After all these years, he does not see her as family or as future-family, and she is too beholden to The Cinderella Fantasy to see it.
BTW this woman's only dream is to be a SAHM, never intended to develop her own career, or to develop her own long-term financial security -- so that kind of desperation probably plays into this situation. I want to find a way to bring FDS into her life.
[–]pineappleshampooPickmeisha™️1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
That’s so sad.
Does she have children with him? If not then that’s truly dumb on her part at forty to be still waiting around as her fertility goes down the drain.
[–]peachpy54FDS Apprentice5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
No, no kids. And it is ABSOLUTELY DUMB to be 40 and still be waiting as her fertility goes down the drain, absolutely.
If you look at the grand arc of her life, she was not clever about strategizing her life in general (never planning to have a career or long term financial plan), so I'm not surprised that she is very bad at strategizing her relationship. If you don't have a cogent strategy for the big life plan, then you certainly don't really have a strategy for anything that's a component of it (your stupid ass boyfriend who is using you to save like gangbusters for HIS retirement and wasting your fertile years, etc).
A MAN IS NOT A FINANCIAL PLAN!!!! If I ever have daughters, I will tattoo it on them LOL
[+][deleted] 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]peachpy54FDS Apprentice2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
Why, according to that world view, would having a contingency plan make you a gold digger? Doesn't that just make you aware of possible unplanned problems like your spouse passing away from, like, a heart attack?
Look this 40 year old Pickme is not my friend because we have nothing in common and I don't really sympathize with her situation. I pity her. And because she hates her life, she doesn't really like other people nor exude warmth. But there's no way you couldn't known that.
I sympathize with her just as much as I would anyone, man, woman, Antivaxxer, Flat-earther, who doesn't use their critical thinking capability much once they're well into adulthood -- not much.
If this pings something personal within you that hurts then I dunno what to tell you, probably something you should look into
[–]peachpy54FDS Apprentice2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Also, she wants to have kids. He keeps being wishy washy about marrying her (delaying), and he says he wants kids....someday.
[–]EmpoweredGoatFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Same, he wanted me around more because I work and go to school.
He can afford all of the bills; I help with some because I’m no freeloader. I also set ground rules before agreeing to move in.
The biggest part is heavy vetting and having an exit strategy.
[–]mochha1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
What were some of your ground rules?
[–]BabyGotBantzPickmeisha™️20 points21 points22 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Queen behavior is either living on your own or making him pay 100 percent of the rent and living rent free. Don’t get tied into a lease with a guy who can literally leave you at any time.
[–]Educational_StayFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I mean , if he’s a POS he can still leave you at any time. It will just be messier if you’re married
[–]flowerpal76 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I grew up in a non-western country and moved to the states for college, and this is honestly one of the most shocking things about American culture. People move in so quickly with their bf/gf! I've been here for a while and still can't wrap my head around it
They really have infiltrated this post.
[+][deleted] 5 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 18 points19 points20 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Seriously.
[–]Tatted_kreole5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Don’t do it . You will regret it. Trust the bad feeling in your gut.
[–]AppropriateHoney6FDS Apprentice5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Agreed. Even if you don’t ‘believe in marriage’, a house is a really expensive and binding investment . If your boyfriend walks out on you tomorrow, how are you going to split the furniture, where will you go, how much money will you actually get back?! This is a man who won’t commit to you in the long term yet he wants to sign a lease for 20+ years with you?! Wake up and smell the coffee! He is only doing what benefits him without actually thinking about your well being.
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
I don’t understand the comments about not believing in marriage. Is there even an equitable way to live with a man without having a legal contract? People are saying divorce is bad, but without it he has no incentive to stick to his word. I understand not wanting to get married, but why cohabitate then? Some of these comments are...interesting.
[–]Urbit19814 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I own my own place, and this is definitely a huge no go for me. I would just be viewed as a free ride, and that's a big nope.
[–]Bellaskywalker1FDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
😂 So true I second that! I was dating a lvm that wanted to move in after 1 month😂
[–]belial032 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My sister unfortunately did this. They were moving out of their old apparntment. Not long after moving in to the new one, they had to broke up since her bf started to be even more of a dick
[–]lyricthesecondFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Unless it's a completely advantageous situation for you. That is, he pays all the expenses - rent, bills (and vacations, gifts, spending cash for you if you're smart). Still, even in an idyllic situation like this, don't be completely financially helpless. Have a source of income, SAVE YOUR MONEY and build a safety net so you can chuck up the deuces if things go south (or something happens where he can't take care of things anymore), and use this time to get/upgrade your education and career. Don't be lulled into feeling like you've "made it" and resting on your laurels.
[–]GladArugulaFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
I live with my boyfriend and it’s been fine. I think it just depends. As long as you’re honest and up front with each other. We split up housework and he actually does most of the cooking. I think waiting until marriage is fine if that’s what you believe in. But not everyone believes in marriage. Not everyone wants the same things. I’m not sure I want kids either...I’m not much on traditional values.
[–]ShadowRealmDwellerFDS Apprentice2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago after 4 years of cohabitation. He was very affectionate towards me and kept a spotless house but sadly addicted to video games and pot, has anxiety issues that bled over to me, and no action on the marriage front. I moved in with him hastily and partly out of the fear that once I hit my 30s i would be less datable. 🤡🤡🤡 Me, i am now in my 30s and ended up where i had once feared. But whatever, I know what I have to do now to work towards a better future.
I just found this sub a few days ago while looking for advice for getting over a breakup, and the advice has been helpful. Thank you.
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Or ya know buy a house with him and you’re not married
[–]cemeterykitten1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Fuck. This person is so right.
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 12 points13 points14 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes.. You have the rest of your life to play house and take care of someone else (joking- don’t do that when you’re older either!) but really you are 19!!
You’re only getting to know yourself, there’s no rush for that stage of life. It will come. You should be thinking about building yourself up. Investing in yourself. School, hobbies, developing your skills, learning languages, trying new skills. Save up to travel, meet new people. Try new things. All the time. Really get to know yourself and challenge yourself, grow. Prosper! The world is yours do not waste these years in a cheap flat, using your money to fix old washing machines and sharing 2/3-3/4 of your food with some guy. I don’t care how HV he is, if he’s worth it, your relationship will continue to grow and eventually you’ll be moving in together.
Read more on this sub. And the website!
[+][deleted] 5 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple25 points26 points27 points 5 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Girl that’s not the point. Did you read the handbook? There’s no point of cohabitating with a man if your looking to get married. Being observant isn’t that hard. Just watch how cleanly he is once you’ve known him for long enough. Why do you need to live with someone to see that? Also moving in just tells him he doesn’t need to commit to you. If you don’t want marriage that’s fine, but if you do, why would you set yourself up like that? Moving in together isn’t as romantic or as cute as other people like to make you think. If anything you just turn into roommates.
[–]toredtimetravellerFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
What if I'm not going to get married? I read the handbook yes, I don't want to get married and tie my life to a man's life.
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Then why are you worried about cohabiting? I’ve noticed women who don’t care for marriage also don’t care to cohabitate with men because there’s no benefit. You won’t gain anything legally by doing so, so I don’t really see the reason for worrying about doing so in the future.
[–]toredtimetravellerFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Because I want a stable relationship with a HVM, I don't need to have it legally as I am not willing to get pregnant and bring children to the world. There is nothing beneficial to marriage except when you're considering having children, then marriage becomes crucial and you should under no circumstances agree to cohabitating with a man who might never be interested in marriage and starting a family, that'll lead you to lose a lot and gain nothing.
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I get what you’re saying, but I think you’ll also lose a lot if you cohabitate and start combining lives without a safety net. Unfortunately, it will be harder to cut ties with a man if you don’t have a contract detailing how assets and money will be redistributed. I’ve seen women with life partners that aren’t cohabitating and they say they like it like that because they don’t have to sacrifice their living space and their freedom. They also won’t need to worry about a breakup because they can easily cut ties. I mean you can choose to cohabitate if you want. I would just be careful who with and how. I personally think if I ever decided not to get married I would throw cohabitation out the window. I can’t really have any legible advice on that front since it doesn’t really make sense to me.
[–]toredtimetravellerFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Exactly what you said, I agree with it all. My point is, if you're planning to move in with someone you need to be too picky and higher your standards to the roof, and be extremely careful. That is for me like a test, because why would I wait until I marry the guy and get tied legally to him.
And for the financial part, I'd say never get joined accounts even after marriage. Also when it comes to freedom, house work, and other life assets. If said boyfriend is a hassle in any of these subjects, he ain't worth your time.
For me personally, cohabitation isn't an issue if you don't let your guard down, make the household follow your own rules and never settle for less than what you want and what you need, that should apply to marriage or living with a roommate or a boyfriend.
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Okay I get what you’re saying. I’m glad we came to an understanding.
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[–]Educational_StayFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]flowerpal76 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted]
(4 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]kmblueFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (1 child) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–][deleted] 18 points19 points20 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Tatted_kreole5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]AppropriateHoney6FDS Apprentice5 points6 points7 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Urbit19814 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Bellaskywalker1FDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]belial032 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]lyricthesecondFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]GladArugulaFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ShadowRealmDwellerFDS Apprentice2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]cemeterykitten1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (2 children) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]nithanithaFDS Newbie[S] 12 points13 points14 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (7 children) | Copy Link
[removed]
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple25 points26 points27 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]toredtimetravellerFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]toredtimetravellerFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]toredtimetravellerFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]vmuzondiFDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link