What do you think about the phrase, "Your money is YOUR MONEY. His money is for the family." ?

Ruben_the_Fish · 2021-09-30T14:52:52+00:00

regardless of your feelings, marital assets belong to the marriage and will be divided upon divorce and the courts do NOT look kindly on hiding assets.

NarniaFox · 2021-09-30T15:17:46+00:00

That's total bullshit. You either have separate accounts or you have a shared budget. There also can be some variants in-between that can work for both partners like having separate accounts and one shared, but surely not what the quote suggests. It's just an equivalent of "rules for thee, but not for me".

My husband and I have a shared budget. And our belief is that everything mine is yours. We're a family, we're a unit. We live together, we care for each other, we want each other to be happy, not to exploit one another.

ashpr0ulx · 2021-09-30T14:31:22+00:00

strong disagree. dating? my money is mine and his is his. 100% separate. married? our money. family money. mine is yours and yours is mine. my dad always says “if you’re gonna be married, be married” and i agree.

death_by_1000_cats · 2021-09-30T14:51:09+00:00

Don't agree. All our money goes in the same pot. There's no such thing as "his money" and "my money" because there's no such thing as "him" and "me". We're a unit.

superlurkage · 2021-09-30T14:32:57+00:00

Not cool

NimblyBimblyMeyow · 2021-09-30T14:34:35+00:00

He won’t let me contribute. So what am I doing? Buying myself a Supra with my $75k salary.

To answer your question though: No, I don’t believe in the 50/50 rule. If I make 75% of what he’s making, then how am I to be expected to contribute more of my income towards expenses that I’m not home enough to utilize in the first place? If we made equal salaries, then yes. This rule would apply.

GridReXX · 2021-09-30T15:33:14+00:00

I’ve heard this before.

But mostly from:

women who’ve been burnt before by not doing this; or women in their life were burnt by not doing this. Meaning he left the mom or grandmom destitute back in the day. Or she shacked up with a dude for 15 years playing housewife SAHM w/o getting married and he left her penniless and now she lacks 15 years worth of professional skills.
women who partner with men who literally don’t add any value at home and then also doesn’t bring home the bacon or wants to 50/50 it while she works 24/7 at home and at her work shifts. These women have either experienced this personally or seen their moms or grand-moms or aunts experience it.

vial_of_music · 2021-09-30T14:42:24+00:00

Are they married? No? The quote is invalid.

Married? Okay, they should now discuss finances as in individual couple. I would suggest joint account for bills and separate checkings for fun money!

spinsterchachkies · 2021-09-30T14:47:52+00:00

I get it if they are married, he’s a bum and has a long history of being a bum. When you’re married it’s 100% you’re both pulling the weight. But if he doesn’t pull his weight, you have no choice but to resort to drastic shit like this.

neetykeeno · 2021-10-01T09:49:51+00:00

Probably better to avoid marriage and go for a cohabitation agreement instead if you want separate assets and income with defined responsibilities.

Notgnisnek · 2021-09-30T14:51:39+00:00

Comments like that are usually written by salty people who can’t practice with they preach and fantasize a life they haven’t earned

crookedsummer2019 · 2021-09-30T15:12:22+00:00

Sounds like the flip version of those red pill men who advise members to hide their assets from their spouses while discouraging her from her own financial independence.

Both are kind of shitty if you ask me. Shared financial assets, shared expenses as well as each having their own nest eggs/ investments/ assets etc is ideal in my opinion.

GridReXX · 2021-09-30T14:36:52+00:00

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blackandlavender · 2021-09-30T18:44:15+00:00

If wife has sacrificed her career for the sake of marriage with mutual consent of both - say moving to a different country to be with her husband, or for the sake of childcare, and then finds some side gig where she's making a bit of money while also taking care of the major chunk of SAHM duties, I would agree she should be keeping her money separate and it's still the man who is supposed to be the provider.

BUT, the women of that forum preach that women shouldn't ever sacrifice their careers, and that men should contribute equally towards housework and childcare. So men still have the duties of a traditional provider, but do not get to reap benefits of a tradcon relationship? While women get to reap benefits of both the modern egalitarian relationships AND tradcon relationships? What's wrong with these women and how are they this hypocritical so openly?

You can either have an egalitarian relationship or a tradcon one, or one which is a mix of both but both partners get their equal share of benefits. What you can't do is have your cake and eat it too.

Willow-girl · 2021-10-01T04:20:52+00:00

In the working class it's usually the other way around. The woman pays the rent, utilities and puts food on the table (often with Uncle Sam's help) while the man's money is for his truck payment, lunches with the crew, bag of weed, pizza and beer on Friday night.

milkyymochii · 2021-09-30T16:06:37+00:00

When most males talk about going 50/50, they almost ALWAYS mean in financial terms. But how often are 50/50 relationships actually 50/50? Males foam at the mouth to cry about “eQuaLiTy” in financial terms but go radio silent when its time to go 50/50 on chores, cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc etc.

You can find so many posts by women on this website breaking down because they’re working full time and married to a husband who refuses to ever help with the chores/cooking/cleaning/children. This is really not that uncommon either.

Males want me to pay half the rent & bills but still expect me to retain most traditional female gender roles. That sounds like a shit deal to me and heavily benefits the male counterpart.

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Devourer_of_felines · 2021-09-30T14:40:30+00:00

I mean, you can't argue that this sort of arrangement is very beneficial to the woman in the relationship.

Frankly if a man willingly signs up to be her free room & board either he's got "fuck you" money and she's a live in trophy wife (let's be honest, nobody in that sub is that great of an arm candy or they wouldn't be trawling that page in the first place) or he's just that spineless and someone else will come along to take advantage of him anyways.

Orange_Paisley · 2021-09-30T16:05:14+00:00

I disagree with it. We keep separate accounts but we pool our money. Any intelligent woman will also quietly keep an emergency fund of her own, but generally speaking, major expenses should be discussed and shared equitably.

covfefe_believer · 2021-09-30T19:34:23+00:00

Why does this honestly matter. Do you think someone like this will last long in relationship?

Suppose she does get into one, hides her assets, and her partner finds out. How do you think that is going to play out? Not fucking well for her.

These people are adults, bitter, deluded adults, let them be.

Sure, guys will finess a woman for that pom pom, but once the rides over so is the fun.

Flightlessbirbz · 2021-10-01T01:24:29+00:00

Well legally, any money earned after marriage belongs to both people. Imo everyone, but women especially, do need to have at least some emergency money tucked away in case they need to leave. And in practice, I think there need to be three bank accounts, one shared for bills and family expenses, and then both spouses having their own to do with as they choose without having to consult the other (except on major purchases affecting the whole family of course). But to imagine that the money you earn while married can truly be “your money” while living off of your partner’s earnings is just factually wrong, because in the state’s eyes, it’s shared assets. If that’s going to be too much of a problem, which I totally get how it could be, then it’s probably best not to get married.

Bottom line is, there has to be an understanding of the legalities of marriage and a level of trust with your spouse if you’re going to bother getting married. Marriage is merging your lives together, so if you’re going to do everything you can to keep them separate there’s really no point. BUT that doesn’t mean you have no safety net at all if things go south. There should always be a contingency plan no matter how much you trust the other person... you just should not expect to have to use it, or otherwise don’t marry them ya know?

houstongradengineer · 2021-09-30T14:37:26+00:00

Makes sense if the dude hardly lifts a finger around the house and impregnated his wife with 5 children she must take care of by quitting work. It makes sense if money is genuinely the man's responsibility in the marriage. It's not like the man who earns the money usually ever lacks for anything- they do buy things for themselves plenty. They are a part of the family. It's just important that the wife also has exclusive access to funds in case of emergency- especially if she had no career with which to easily earn money.

In modern day, it can be a bit outdated. I'm all for saying a man should buy gifts and provide for his wife and make sure she is taken care of as best he can... but these days many women can and will also financially contribute, too. There is such a thing as taking financial provision too far, I suppose, when the man puts his own safety or well-being at risk. That's not a good thing.

iatheabd · 2021-09-30T14:39:47+00:00

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pink-summer-sky · 2021-09-30T15:40:36+00:00

This is a stupid sentiment. FDS has some good principles but not everyone that posts there makes good arguments.

My fiancé and I contribute to a joint checking and savings for household bills, utilities, etc., we don't just use all of his money for everything while I spent my money on whatever I want. That's not a partnership or a healthy relationship dynamic. My partner contributes significantly more though because he makes more and he wants to.

gimpgirl555 · 2021-09-30T15:35:03+00:00

It used to be that way in a lot of Boomer marriages, that's where they got it from. These days they can forget about it.

What do I think about it?

I think that men who marry are dumb and deserve to get scammed by strategists. My dad made my mom pay him rent when they moved in together. That's how Chads operate.

nemporisso · 2021-09-30T16:41:15+00:00

Fine if you aren't interested in family or partnership. In all sincerity, many people aren't.

GridReXX · 2021-09-30T14:34:18+00:00

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SnooCats37 · 2021-09-30T15:07:12+00:00

When you're married it should be 'our money', like above said if you're married be married.

To tbe point saying what if husband earns so much more, that could change, there may be points in your marriage husband earns more and other points in the marriage the wife earns more. Life is unpredictable and things change. Both should be ready to step up when needed

GridReXX · 2021-09-30T15:28:28+00:00

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GridReXX · 2021-09-30T15:35:31+00:00

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asperges_me_domine · 2021-09-30T15:42:23+00:00

Dumb. It's all our money. My husband and I have taken turns being the bigger earner- it used to be him, right now it's me, and once we start having kids in a few years it'll probably be him again since I'd likely go part-time at my job when they are little if we can afford it.

Plus a joint account just makes it so much easier to be on the same page about finances and budgeting. It doesn't matter who contributes what % as long as our needs are met. If he wants to get something nice for himself, we talk and he gets it if it fits the budget. If I want something nice for myself, we talk and I get it if it fits the budget.

TomorrowsWar · 2021-09-30T16:01:11+00:00

My money is my money, his money is his money. We set aside money for joint stuff

You won’t catch me sharing anything outside of that.

In some cultures people feel that because men are impulsive women should be in charge of money. Some men prefer this because they just wanna work and come home, not worry about the bills and all that. To each their own

Novadina · 2021-09-30T16:28:30+00:00

My husband and I wouldn’t be able to have the lifestyle and house we do if we didn’t pool our resources together. That’s the whole point of being DINK. If I made him only pay the bills we’d have to live on only 20% of our total income. What would I do with all that extra money? I’m not making it to save 100% of it - I want to afford a house in my area, I want to go on vacations and buy toys for our joint hobbies… It wouldn’t really benefit me to live on such a small fraction of what we actually bring in.

We pretty much consider all our money our money, but we do each keep a percentage of our checks in a personal account to do whatever we want with.

_mwk · 2021-09-30T16:53:53+00:00

it's a pretty merciless but effective approach if you don't want a partnership with the guy and don't trust him. I wouldn't do that if I were married because I wouldn't feel great about using a husband in that way but I understand why some women act like that.

I agree with a "softer" version of this that is keeping a secret stach of money you acquire before the marriage and never touch it. it's like the money version of a prenup.

chalkandapples · 2021-09-30T17:02:21+00:00

I've heard this saying before. I feel like it's usually from women who isn't making significant money so her money is either insignificant or the power dynamic is such that she cannot really survive by herself if she leaves the guy and therefore needs an emergency fund. Or if she is so much less knowledgable than her husband about finances so he might be able to keep her from joint funds if the divorce becomes nasty.

It's a type of chivalry, to give the woman a bit more financial benefit as to protect the weak.

It's definitely complete BS in normal modern dating situations. Like many have said, before marriage money should be separate, and after marriage everything's shared.

flamingoinghome · 2021-09-30T17:41:36+00:00

I mean, this is assuming that I'm married and have formed a family with someone, in which case--nah. I'd say the better thing would be, like both partners put in a certain % of their income to a joint account, and skim the remainder off the top for personal spending (clothes and luxuries).

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 2021-09-30T17:44:56+00:00

I believe that the only way to keep things as they ought to be is to deposit all pay into his account and let him allocate it as he sees fit.

WilliamWyattD · 2021-09-30T19:43:10+00:00

You will never have a good relationship where one side abuses whatever leverage it has.

This applies to men who say make a lot more per hour, and thus feel that they can put in their 40-50 and then skimp on the domestic work while the woman has to put in the dreaded second shift. Some men feel this is fair because his 40-50 working hours earn so much more than hers do. Don't work that way.

It applies the same to female sexual leverage or the fact that women have to give birth. You can't let that make you feel you are special and have a right to do less or keep more or whatever.

Sure, both parties should protect themselves to the extent possible if there is a break up. If you are in love, you should recognize that possibility and understand that under extreme conditions, we can all become monsters. So I'd try to protect my wife against the monster in me, and she should do the same. Once that is done, then you are all in it together.

towerofcheeeeza · 2021-09-30T20:03:37+00:00

I strongly disagree. I think both parties need to contribute. Obviously if there is a significant difference in income then you can adjust accordingly. Also, it's important that both parties have some money that is separate in case of emergencies or just for personal hobbies etc. But I don't like the mentality that the guy should pay for everything while the girl just spends only on herself. My partner makes more than I do, so he covers a bit more of rent, but generally we split everything else 50/50ish (we don't track/tally). Now, if in the future, one of us decided to SAH (I had friends growing up with SAHDs) then obviously with only one source of income, the wage-earning party's income DOES become the family income, but if both parties are working, then both need to contribute to some extent.

CFinCanada · 2021-09-30T21:14:01+00:00

I don't personally subscribe to that line of thinking.

For me personally I think all assets, savings and finances should be managed separately and everyone should pay half.

It doesn't mean that's what I endorse or believe is best for everyone though. That's just what works best for me and our circumstances. I find it easiest, just like I find having an income close to parity with my man is just easier.

g0juice · 2021-09-30T21:15:27+00:00

Oh yeah lol like if someone thinks this would fly for a second around any ACTUAL man they are a complete moron.

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-09-30T22:02:58+00:00

What do you think about this?

It's illegal to do this in marriage.

During divorce, judges get very upset at people who do this.

Scarypaperplates · 2021-09-30T23:08:15+00:00

This is how it is in Islam, but I think thats because of expectations of family dynamics. Outside of that I got nothing.

throoowwitalllawaaay · 2021-10-01T00:00:45+00:00

Don't date broke women. lol

Gilmoregirlin · 2021-10-01T01:39:15+00:00

As a high wage earning female, I think this is complete and total BS. We both contribute equally. Why would I not want to share what I make with my husband, with my family? That makes no sense whatsoever. But every marriage is different and every couple has their own way of handling finances so it is not my place to judge how others do it. If I earn a big bonus at work, I am putting money in savings for us and then looking to pay any bills off we may have, then buying my husband something nice, and something nice for myself. Isnt that what love is?

06534956 · 2021-10-01T02:04:29+00:00

Absolutely true. Men are providers, period.

If I’m going to be the feminine part of the relationship, he’s going to be the masculine.

BillyWrightGAC · 2021-10-01T02:31:12+00:00

the one throwback to the 1950s that women definitely won't be handmaid's-taleing about.

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2021-10-01T08:58:54+00:00

Unrealistic

LaPrimaVera · 2021-10-01T10:42:56+00:00

My opinion: all money is our money.

His opinion: I can buy things for the house and myself but not for him. He can spend money on any of the three.

But neither of us really spend money on frivolous things so it's not a problem.

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-10-01T11:26:21+00:00

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ohdiddly · 2021-10-02T02:14:59+00:00

I think it’s dumb but then again I think most conservative relationship expectations are dumb. Everything is situational, if I’m making substantially more money than my bf then I have no problem paying for rent/food/utilities etc. if he’s doing more housework.