Is anyone happily married? (longterm)

BornSquirrel3272 · 2022-02-07T12:02:31+00:00

I think that people forget that marriage traditionally had nothing to do with happiness. It was an institution to protect and raise children and nobody gave a fuck if the spouses were "happy". Divorcing over "being unhappy" was unthinkable to people of the past. However , things have changed and the standards are different now.

CatoftheBanals · 2022-02-07T15:18:58+00:00

Married over 10 years. I’ll just say that children can add a lot of stress to a marriage. A whole lot. Some is bad. Some of it makes you feel like a true partnership. It’s complicated. The romance part will wax and wane. But it would take a lot for me to divorce.

nemma88 · 2022-02-07T14:24:18+00:00

Effectively this means that 80 - 90% of marriages are unhappy. Not a ringing endorsement for marriage and the traditional family unit.

I think if we assumed this to be true, the test of endorsement would be if people are happier single or such, which is a bit of a sticking point.

In general, most studies I can find on the subject suggest married folks are happier than their peers who are not.

However there was a recent contender that women in particular are happier single

Though some refute this.

So statistically, your friends would be more miserable outside the marriage, maybe cheer them up with that thought.

Ppdstillmental · 2022-02-07T15:20:17+00:00

I mostly am. Been together 22 years, married 20.

Was in an LTR when I was very young, it was very much like a marriage since we combined income, I supported him starting up a business and moved states with him twice. That was good until it wasn’t, and then it was horrible. The relative highs were absolutely not worth the low.

Spent many more years single, several of those celibate. Mostly unhappy, often very unhappy. Celibacy was unnatural for me, casual sex was hit and miss, but better than nothing. But I honestly was pretty determined to never get my feelings hurt again.

After several years and some pleasant strs (one got transferred, one wasn’t into monogamy, etc) I softened a bit. Started dating my now husband, an old friend. Even though I fell head over heels, we still didn’t even begin to combine resources for a few years after marriage. Even though I was madly in love, I also was preparing in case it folded. Once bitten, twice shy.

We’re compatible on a daily level, both enjoy the outdoors, canoeing,hiking, beaches (my ex was a city boy). We separated once for two weeks about 15 years ago. I would say I’m a mostly happy person and I am probably the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

I don’t think it’s a “get married/be single and then be happy/or unhappy”. Both have challenges and some people are more well suited to one or the other.

KirthWGersen · 2022-02-07T12:29:03+00:00

I was happily married for a long time, 10 or 15 years, and then things changed.

It was only after getting divorced (and my divorce went really well: we are good friends and dedicated co-parents) that I realised how much happier I was being single.

In my personal case, it was because I don't particularly enjoy cohabiting with another adult, even one I love or am in love with. I really need to feel in control of my own time and sexuality in order to give of my best in a relationship.

I also found while married that her moods and problems tended to have a knock-on effect on my own happiness. When I am in a less intense relationship, I am able to be more caring and loving when I am with a woman, as it feels a lot less stressful and I don't feel trapped.

In short, I am a far better person in the lover role than in the husband role.

And when I look at other people's marriages, I cannot believe the shit that people put up with for the sake of staying together.

KaleidoscopeEyes12 · 2022-02-07T15:59:33+00:00

It probably sounds like I’m just in denial or something, but my parents are definitely happily married. They always say they function better as a team and they’re each other’s best friends. I almost never see them fight, and when they do they just need a second to cool down. We go on long road trips as a family and even though my brother and I used to fight a lot on trips like that, we pretty much don’t at all anymore. My parents are always chatting and dancing together to songs on the radio.

Obviously I don’t know much about their lives intimacy-wise because it would be super creepy if I did. But what I do know is that my brother is going to college next september and they’ll be empty-nesters. They already are planning a trip to Disney World for the food and wine festival so they can just eat and drink together all week. They’re actually SO excited about it.

Overall I’d consider their marriage happy for sure. I think they would too

NigelDweeb · 2022-02-07T12:59:30+00:00

Married for 22 years. 3 Kids- only one left at home, the other 2 uni.... probably never coming back.....why should they?.... To the topic. After 22 years I would say we have an 'arrangement'.... We're perfectly happy living with each other..... We love each other. I have no desire to change the situation. But the 'spark' of young love has given way to a contentment with the status quo. It's deeper..will never hurt her....and it's freeing...we can each be our own person.... So, all I can say is, if you find the right person, you will both change over time...and if you can keep the love, and the friendship... you'll be fine.....

Black_BoomHauer · 2022-02-07T12:39:45+00:00

Short answer- No

Long answer- HELL NO

That__EST · 2022-02-07T12:32:11+00:00

My marriage is stable. But there have some been some rough patches and I can say with 100% certainty that I haven't always been "happy" and sometimes been downright "unhappy". I've been married over a decade for reference. I think a lot of my unhappiness has been on me though because I am just naturally a pretty independent person. As a woman speaking to a lot of other women, I'd say that my experience is probably the norm.

Someone upthread brought up women's hypergamous nature and how it makes humans not suited for life long monogamy. I agree with that but I also add in that the different genders have different motivations for infidelity in their relationships and neither gender is "okay" with it. I spend a lot of time in the Adultery sub (I myself am ethically non monogamous in my marriage) and it appears that many women who engage in affairs ultimately choose to leave the marriage. A woman's affair largely seems to boost up her self image and she's able to either finally meet The One or realizes that there are "more fish in the sea" so she goes in search of it. Women seem to love one person at a time and fall in love with their affair partner to the detriment of their marriage. Men largely seem to be able to have an affair and say with a straight face "I love my wife very much I just want something extra". Men cheat to supplement their marriage and often have no desire to leave.

I've written in other threads that I speculate that a lot of the people who leave the marriage or don't leave the marriage has to do with how secure they feel their relationship with their kids is. Anecdotally I scroll through the Divorce subreddit often and when I see a man filing for divorce, often there are not children involved in the marriage and I think that's interesting.

If you've read this far, thank you for doing so.

Willow-girl · 2022-02-07T14:46:53+00:00

Does "shacked-up-as-good-as-married" count?

The key is to have a mission that you work on together, I think.

Jakes1967 · 2022-02-07T15:10:15+00:00

Curious to hear peoples thoughts on this particularly those who have been married for 10, 15 yrs plus.

I don't fit your requirements, as I've only been married 32 years.🤣

My wife is non-western, so that's different. 🤣

Marriage is like any job, you get from it, what you put into it and sometimes there's arseholes who screw it up for you.

No marriage is happy all the time, that's just not possible. You have good, bad and seriously rubbish times, but if you both honestly work at it, you can have a marriage that's good for you.

The secret is that both parties need to believe that they're getting more out than they're putting in.

philomexa · 2022-02-07T15:44:58+00:00

Coming up on 17 years, still pretty happy with my marriage. My parents were together for 30 years, had a good life. My husband's parents were together for 23 years, also had a good life.

Not surprising, when you have happy marriage role models in your childhood, its not difficult to pick up on the skills required to maintain your own happy marriage.

NarniaFox · 2022-02-07T13:16:28+00:00

I guess he's somewhat right with his numbers, but I also think it's been getting better among younger generations, where a lot of people marry because they want to and not because it's expected of them or because they want to have sex. Plus, therapy and family counseling are far more common nowadays and it's also a positive change.

I'm from Russia, we have even worse divorce rates. I know lots of contented married couples though, but I get that my social circle isn't the norm or even close to average. First of all, I'm from Asian background, secondly, my family has it somewhat better financially than an average middle class family here, and thirdly, most couples I know closely are highly educated and have good careers and these two traits give you far lower divorce rates.

My husband and I have been together for more than 7 years, married for 3, but we started cohabitating one year in relationships. It's a significant length for our age, considering that we're both in our middle 20s. We're both family-oriented, neither is interested in casual flings, we have compatible values and we put a lot of time and efforts into our relationships.

I think lots of marriages and relationships don't work out because people a) aren't really compatible and they don't figure it out until it's too late or they try to ignore it and/or b) they aren't ready or don't want to put enough efforts into their relationships. Moreover, I doubt people are cut out for life-long monogamy. To achieve it, you often have to work against your biology and urges and most just can't or don't want to do it.

Liberal_On_Guns · 2022-02-07T17:22:24+00:00

I have been married for almost 10 years, together for 12. 5 y/o son. I work, she stays at home. We homeschool. I have an awesome marriage.

Part of that is because we both understand things like duty and obligation, and find meaning in the fact that our family is something bigger than ourselves. We aren't worried about "happiness," but meaning.

Most people getting married today are simply too selfish to put another person before themselves. And yes, unfortunately that is mostly the woman's fault. It's what happens when you raise boys to be providers and protectors who pedestalize women, and raise women to believe they don't need men. Ask a woman how she was raised to view men once she hit puberty. She will likely describe an upbringing that taught her that men are something to be feared, used, and/or unneeded.

sine120 · 2022-02-07T17:29:37+00:00

I've only been married for a couple years but I've been dating the same woman for 11, living together for 4+. Everyone including us jokes we're an old married couple as we've kind of hit all the relationship milestones as early as possible.

My case is somewhat unique now, but we met in 6th grade, got together in 10th and kind of mutually decided we didn't need to waste time dating anyone else. If you can be satisfied being with only one person forever, and there's a good option who feels the same way (this being critical), then I'd strongly advocate my path for the "boring" trad couple. It builds wealth, it builds trust, it builds love and most important it builds the feeling of security, all things that definitely help facilitate happiness, and it will help us raise the best possible kids.

In my opinion the most significant thing any ideologies or advice for dating misses is the work aspect of it. Bluepill folks on dating advice subreddits believe you'll just fall into love, Redpill folks believe it doesn't exist how they'd want it to and steer clear, but in even the easiest relationships there's years and years of learning and work you have to put in to get things to go smoothly. I don't have a lot to compare to but I can pretty confidently say I'm much happier in my marriage than I would be without, if that answers your question.

wtknight · 2022-02-07T12:56:59+00:00

I’ve been married for more than 10 years and we are happy. My wife did not grow up in the United States, though. I was married to my first wife, who is an American like me, for two years and that marriage didn’t end well.

gimpgirl555 · 2022-02-07T12:09:13+00:00

Curious to hear peoples thoughts on this particularly those who have been married for 10, 15 yrs plus.

He's probably right. But I don't think that the problem is marriage, I think that it's women. If you're just hot and sexually depraved the guy will be happy.

Happily married for 20 years btw.

qclady · 2022-02-07T13:03:42+00:00

Going on 15 years, monogamous, two kids, happy.

abaxeron · 2022-02-07T17:16:41+00:00

Marriage is about entirely different kind of happiness.

When I saw my partner a day after giving birth, pale like a full moon, exhausted like a mining worker after 12-hour shift, and walking like she'd appreciate a cane, I was happy that at least she can walk and isn't covered in cast.

When I got informed that my kid had all the necessary limbs and only one not fully functioning internal organ, I was happy that it's only one.

When I carried the kid down the hospital stairs to a car, I was happy that I didn't slip and fall because those stairs were covered in ice.

When it turned out that I should rent medical equipment to help my kid fully recover at home without constant rides to hospital and back, I was happy that at least the kid doesn't need injections every half an hour.

When my financial stability became worse, I was happy that I'll need to give up only so many entertainments and rest to keep paying mortgage in time.

Being happy in marriage is like being happy volunteering to plant trees in the forest. No-one will appreciate, no-one will thank, no-one will remember your name. But you know you're doing important thing.

logiauser · 2022-02-07T12:22:33+00:00

Yup makes sense to me. If a woman does not submit to her man (if he’s competent) completely, it’s literally impossible. If a woman can keep a decent man full, his balls empty, and his environment peaceful, he will move Heaven and earth for this woman.

Example my parents. Obviously I’ve only seen hints of the empty balls thing but their relationship in their 60s is the only one I’ve seen personally that gives me any hope for marriage. Almost all of the other ones I’ve seen are the reason I’m still unmarried after being engaged. Most women are not marriage material anymore.

TheJim66 · 2022-02-07T11:59:27+00:00

In general I think the dude is an idiot but I agree on this. Female sexuality isn't really suited for lifelong monogamy. Not only are the dynamics of marriage inherently sexually unattractive to them, their hypergamy also makes it VERY hard for them to stay attracted to the dude. It's one thing to be the best she interacts with for a few years. It's another to be that dude for 30.

Personally,I don't think marriage is impossible to work. But it is something that only the top men have any chance of getting a good outcome out of

Throwaway230306 · 2022-02-07T15:25:47+00:00

Married for a decade, three kids. I'm very happy. I think my husband and I are very well matched, we both enjoy family life, and we've been fortunate not to experience any major relationship stressors. Even with kids and parenting, things just kind of fell into place for us.

Anti_Thing · 2022-02-07T18:11:29+00:00

I know several happily married couples, including my own parents. It might be true that effectively all (99%) of marriages among secular (I include people w/ religious or spiritual beliefs who don't actively attend religious services & don't make a real effort to follow the rules as secular) Westerners in their 40s & 50s are unhappy.
The sort of absolute "happiness" many people seek in today's society isn't something I think actually exists on Earth, though if course that depends on how you define it. Contentment is much more valuable than "happiness", whatever that is. Lust or infatuation may fade, but there are indeed content married couples who truly love & respect each other, even if they're in the minority. I see such married people as "happy", though I have a nonreligious friend who doubts religious folks like us can really be "happy" in the sort of old-school marriages we prefer.

Dealunbreaker · 2022-02-07T21:20:21+00:00

I've been married almost 12 years, together 19. We just had our monthly relationship check in last night and we both said we are happier now than we've ever been and still very much in love.

MarBitt · 2022-02-07T23:30:54+00:00

50% of marriages end in divorce

100% of lives end in death. The time between a wedding ceremony and a divorce is marriage. The time between birth and death is life. The main problem is not whether you die or divorce. But how you spend years of your life and marriage.

about 70% - 80% are unhappily married

And does that mean they would be happier as single? Or would they be instead of unhappily married, unhappily single? I have seen research that claimed that single mothers are as happy as married mothers.

The chance of a marriage being happy are no better than 50 percent. That's not much. But look at Tinder's stats, for comparison. For example, out of 100 thousand swipes, you have 200 conversations = 0,2%. Out of 200 conversations, 20 dates = 10%. Out of 20 dates, 5-7 times sex and one or two long-term relationship.

If you take that into account, then almost half the chance that if you get married, it will be happy, is not so bad.

YakOrnery · 2022-02-08T03:15:35+00:00

I think people put a unreasonable focus on "happiness" and I put happiness in quotes because I also think people severely misunderstand what happiness is and how it looks in a real life sense. Also, people just tend to be shitty at picking partners on the outset, but that's another conversation lol.

This isn't to say be in a dysfunctional relationship. But it is to say that when most people think of the unrealistic portrayal of happiness and compare it to their relationship they feel like they're missing out on something and thus begin to resent their spouse and want out.

Like someone else commented, marriage is not centered around a sense of "happiness" in the way we're presented happiness. Marriage is centered around unity, togetherness, growth, and combining forces to deal with life with someone.

Think of your job/career. Are you always "happy" to go to work? Fuck no. But you keep going to work because the benefits of going to work over the long term generally greatly outweigh not going.

Saharaofthedeep · 2022-02-08T04:59:50+00:00

I am happily married. We have an (almost) 2 year old. We have only been married almost 4 years but we've been living together almost 7 years.

I don't think we just "get along" better than other couples, I think in the grand scheme of things we have actually dealt with more serious issues than most couples but I guess what makes us such a healthy couple is how we deal with our issues. We don't ever go to bed mad at eachother. We actually used to fight more and nowadays we hardly ever have real fights anymore. We prettymuch are able to work things out without being disrespectful or getting really upset.

We started out with a lot of issues because I used to live with my husband's abusive family and he now has PTSD and he even had BPD but I think his BPD is a lot better now. We didn't wait for things to get bad before going to therapy. No matter what happened, we were both always advocating for the solution 100%. After being in couples therapy for a couple years, the therapist actually told us we don't need therapy anymore because we learned how to work out our issues on our own.

I heard somewhere that the statistics for people who get divorced after couples therapy is pretty discouraging but I have also heard therapists say that it's because people wait too long before they go. By the time they get there, they have already gotten used to unhealthy relationship dynamics. It has less to do with general compatibility than people would like to think.

death_by_1000_cats · 2022-02-07T16:20:34+00:00

Most of the long-term marriages I've been close enough to observe have been happy at times and unhappy at times. The trick to staying together is not expecting to be happy all the time.

Also, IMO, a lot of people use their marriage as a scapegoat for the general stressors of life and aging.

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ogsimpology · 2022-02-07T13:29:45+00:00

Am for now hahah

LUCKYMAZE · 2022-02-07T15:40:54+00:00

Insidious-Sid · 2022-02-07T15:49:56+00:00

Married people need to portray to society that they are happy. Being happily married is tied closely with illusions of being successful, and illusions of success allude to higher status.

I say "illusions" and "allude" because (a) think a lot of married people are miserable (most really) and (b) a lot of people I knew with status symbols - import cars, big house, travel - are up to their assholes in serious amounts of debt.

In any case, I've always said that if I were generous and claimed 50% of marriages that don't end in divorce are happy, a guy has 1 in four chance of being happily married. But I think maybe 1 in 4 marriages are tolerable and 1 in 8 are happy.

Married people have a reason to lie about how happy they are, so their anecdotal reports are of no value.

I was married once. Worst years of my life. The level of stress involved in trying to make an insatiable person happy was almost lethal. It literally almost killed me.

Glad it's over, never doing it again.

Women are "never happy machines" looking for someone dumb enough to try and fix them.

Fill your boots, boys.

Sophiatab · 2022-02-07T16:37:08+00:00

I was happily married for years until my husband died. I was very unhappily widowed for a long time after that.

Alternative_Room4999 · 2022-02-07T17:22:01+00:00

Thanks all for sharing your views and life experience.

kingtobiasoliver · 2022-02-07T17:36:35+00:00

I believe that very few people are happily married in the sense that they keep the same feelings they've always had for the person that they choose to marry. I've been in a committed relationship for almost 6 years and I've already been through ups and downs without being married yet.

I'd say the main idea of having a happy marriage isn't what people expect it is: it's not always being happy in the marriage, because being happy all the time isn't possible in life, let alone in relationships. Marriage also shouldn't be the end goal of a relationship. Marriage CAN be part of a successful relationship, but it is not a requirement, and it is also something that has to be worked on. It is a sign of strength to admit that you're having problems in your marriage and to then work on those problems. It is also a sign of strength if you realize that the marriage needs to come to an end in order for you both to be happier. Marriage is overrated; relationships, and working on them, are the truest victories in life.

scullnomad · 2022-02-07T17:42:20+00:00

Can't rely on other people for one's own happiness. People would've probably be unhappy no matter married or not.

cunningcaring · 2022-02-07T18:19:15+00:00

Married couples are happier than any other demographic.

heyitsjeape · 2022-02-07T18:37:06+00:00

I am extremely skeptical of any social science data but this has always been the intuition I had about married or long-term couples. I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility that many that ended in divorce were happy but the couple decided to divorce before things got really bad.

While it’s probably a great thing to work through adversity, there is something to be said for acknowledging that not everything is going to last forever in life and moving on to something new isn’t always a bad thing.

Lonelybuthopeful9 · 2022-02-07T18:43:12+00:00

"Dr" yeah sure

YveisGrey · 2022-02-07T19:01:36+00:00

Um are people happier if they never marry and have a bunch of kids everywhere? Or if they never marry and never have kids at all? Also is it a realistic option for a society to not have marriages or people having kids or raising kids etc… not really. We kinda need to have kids to keep society going and regardless of that people will have kids because of biological imperatives to have sex and whatnot. So kids are given now what have them what can we do to best raise them? That’s where marriage comes in. This is nothing to do with happiness just a pragmatic solution to the real problem of raising vulnerable children. But hmm maybe people aren’t happy in their marriages because our society isn’t that marriage oriented to begin with there’s so much temptation and people have a lot of wrong ideas about what marriage is. Anyways I think if people just orient themselves to doing whatever makes them happy in the moment we can’t have a functioning peaceful society so happiness can’t be an argument for marriage. And Generally speaking married people are happier than unmarried people so there’s always that.

Lateralanouncer · 2022-02-07T19:11:23+00:00

Ive been stung for this comment before, why you dont marry a person who's goal is feelings. (Happy).

manfrom-nantucket · 2022-02-07T20:27:33+00:00

70% - 80% miserable seems about right.

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-02-07T22:20:51+00:00

The marriage is recent, but I've been with my husband since 2008 and I'm pretty fucking happy. Neither of us were desperate for a partner, so there's no reason to stick around unless we're happy.

chalkandapples · 2022-02-07T23:07:42+00:00

I'm not married long enough so I can't say. But I think most people are bad at being happy in general, not just in relationships, but by themselves too. They put the bar too high for themselves to be happy, and many thinks that it's good for them, or make them more complex or better or something. It's a good thing to be easily happy.

dump_in_a_mug · 2022-02-07T23:40:24+00:00

I have been married 5 years, together for 8, so I don't exactly meet your criteria, but here it goes. I am happy in my marriage. We are currently trying to have a baby, so that's a stressor we have not faced together. But I feel like we've planned it for years and are ready. My husband and I are highly sexually compatible, and still prioritize sex (4 days per week, on average), 8 years later. We are also compatible in other ways: financial priorities, hobbies, and goals. We both want 1 or 2 children, and both contribute to earning money (with me earning less), cooking and cleaning (me doing more), and house maintenance (which he does most of). I am an accountant, so I handle most of the budgeting/bill pay/taxes, but all major financial/purchase decisions are done together.

I attribute much of my marital success to my reasonable expectations, if that makes sense. For example, I never quite fell for the feminist bullshit boomer feminists fed to millenial girls that you can have both a high-powered career and still be an attentive homemaker with a Martha Stewart-esque home and still have your sanity intact. Liars. I also don't expect to be treated like a princess; I work hard for the marriage, and so does my spouse.

Another reason why my marriage is doing well, IMO, is that we live a low-stress lifestyle. My spouse and I live within our means, have savings/investments, and avoid cramming our schedules. We don't give each other Christmas or Valentine's Day presents, and we eloped versus elaborate wedding plans. Outside of Reddit, we don't use social media (Instragram, Pinterest, Twitter, Facebook, etc.), because we think it breeds materialism and stress. I think stress destroys people's ability to be happy in general, so a stressed marriage is an unhappy marriage.

Sometimes, we have communication issues, but those have gotten better over time. I don't regret getting married, and believe I married the right person. I don't believe in "soul mates", but I married well.

GobblingRenegade · 2022-02-08T01:56:56+00:00

Yes...35 years...Think it's 50% luck and 50% similar family backgrounds, shared life goals and getting married young. Suspect there's a benefit to not knowing any better.

Willispin · 2022-02-08T02:12:19+00:00

Reporting that I am in the 20%.

Substantial-Sign1963 · 2022-02-08T02:35:57+00:00

40 years here, I’m happy.

Suck-Less · 2022-02-07T23:25:25+00:00

Married 24 years, and I’d say yes. In our 50s and still at it like rabbits. I can’t remember the last time we went a day without laughing, saying how we appreciate each other, and someone getting slapped on the ass.

I learned a long time ago, avoiding western women was the way to go. I don’t know a single long term successful, happy marriage where the wife is American. No exaggeration either. Not a single one. Oh, I’m sure they exist, but looking in that pool of women is like going to a FORD dealership looking got a BMW.

Title	Is anyone happily married? (longterm)
Author	Alternative_Room4999
Upvotes	65
Comments	223
Date	February 7, 2022 10:32 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/smn4j5/is_anyone_happily_married_longterm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-anyone-happily-married-longterm.1100583 https://theredarchive.com/post/1100583

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