"I was blindsided!!!"

masterofthebarkarts · 2020-02-04T19:29:52+00:00

After dumping my second boyfriend (and longest relationship to that point) my ex had the gal to admit that if he'd actually put in some effort and tried 10% harder I probably wouldn't have dumped him. Straight from the horse's mouth.

cabernetmermaid · 2020-02-04T20:25:07+00:00

My ex husband also said he was completely shocked and blindsided when I left him for another man. After he had asked for an open relationship and I went along with it and wanted it too. Then he slept with his best friend the night before our wedding, struggled to get dates and then got really upset when I fell in love with the other person I was dating. He eventually demanded I choose between my bf and my husband, while still having a gf. And my bf wasn’t punching walls. So I left. Goodbye entitled couch creature. That very mediocre man who had no ambition made me feel like I was not good enough for him for years, like he needed to sleep with other ppl. As a single woman, it turns out I’m a fucking prize and I have men left and right dying to lock me down in a relationship.

siberiansummer · 2020-02-04T19:54:06+00:00

I was married for 10 years and left my ex 3 years ago. Red pillers love pointing out the fact of that 80% of divorces are filed by the wife. And they basically claim that we ruin our families on purpose to get their rESoRcEs 🙄 They say shit like: “All a woman has to say is that she is unhappy and a man loses everything!” Ummm.. Have you ever considered the fact that SHE IS UNHAPPY?And that you are the direct cause of said unhappiness? No, absolutely not, she is just a money hungry cock carousel rider!! I was with my lazy unambitious ex who let me take care of everything including the bills, kids and the house. 3 years later, to this day he thinks I belong to him and constantly yells at me over the phone how I ruined the family. Gets jealous, calls me names, posts shit on FB about me. Oh and he was physically abusive the last two years we were together cause I literally started despising him so much we were fighting every day. Yeah, that guy still thinks we had a normal marriage and cries to everybody how I took the best years of his life and left 🤦‍♀️

kdigz6 · 2020-02-04T20:38:30+00:00

Preface: I was an idiot, yes.

I was in a 5 year relationship (no marriage) with a man who had 3 kids. He was discharged from the military due to an injury and received a pension that was.. adequate if you didn't have to support three kids. I worked full time while he kept promising he would go back to school (the military would pay the full expenses of re-education). But ultimately, he just used that promise to placate me while he sat at home all day smoking weed and playing video games. I ended up taking on the majority of child care duties as well as legitimately ALL of the household chores (cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, meal planning, child activity planning, etc.,). Every single day I told him I could not handle it all. Every single day I asked for help with household chores, groceries, meal prep. Every single day he ignored my pleading for help. I had and have a great career, but I had to take on a second job to keep up with bills and give the kids the life they deserved because he wasted his money on (you guessed it- weed and video games). He then became abusive towards me and borderline was verbally abusive with the kids. I finally broke when I'd come home from the second job (usually at 2AM because I was bartending between getting the kids to bed) and would ask him if he had taken the dogs for a walk (we did not have an enclosed back yard so the dogs had to be walked multiple times per day, especially int he morning and before bed) and got frustrated when he said he hadn't. I took the dogs out he screamed at me for waking him up to the point where the kids all woke up and were crying.

The next morning when I left for work with a bag of my clothes and tried to calmly tell him I would be spending the next few days at my parents' house while I considered whether or not I could stay in this relationship he was absolutely shook. He could not believe that I would be so evil as to want to leave. He told me I would never see the children again. He kept that promise. I think about them every day.

TLDR- you can literally tell men exactly what you need from them. You can point out their shortcomings and tell them every day how unhappy you are and they will do nothing until they realize you might actually have a backbone and leave.

french_toast_fervor · 2020-02-04T18:18:10+00:00

I don't know how many times I've read the relationship sub, or AITA or somewhere, and a lady is giving the laundry list of how she painstakingly tried to beg for what she needed from her husband, and he would promise her the world, maybe even CRY! And then go right back to what he was doing.

There is always that one helpful asshole, so smug in his self-righteousness, who says, "It sounds like you two have a communication issue. Have you thought about couples counseling?" And so often a comment like this makes it to the top!

She communicated perfectly well! He knows what she needs. He just doesn't want to make the effort! It's not a communication issue. It's an entitlement issue.

In my case, things didn't start to change in my marriage until I said, "You know what. Maybe nobody is the asshole. I want these things, you're not willing or able to give them, so let's stop making each other miserable and make a plan to go our separate ways." And I MEANT it. But now I always feel like I have to keep 1 foot out the door to get my needs met, which SUCKS. I don't think any woman wants to live like that.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-02-04T19:00:13+00:00

Ha my ex husband tried the "maybe we should get a divorce" opener with me apparently thinking I would object. Instead I was OH thank god YOU brought it up. I think we should get a divorce too. Cue his drinking spiraling out of control and the pity parties for himself.

I have "blindsided" many men that I spent months warning and having long conversations with.

laeriel_c · 2020-02-04T19:42:30+00:00

I haven't been married, but this also happened when I ended my last relationship. I was constantly unhappy, expressing why and expecting him to change his behaviour. After this went on for too long without enough effort on his part I just ended it and he apparently wans't expecting it at all. Uhh wtf I even told him the things I was complaining about were dealbreakers. They really do not listen.

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-02-04T17:45:43+00:00

I've never been married, but this seems to be how men 'just are'.

I ended my last three relationships, and my first relationship ended mutually. Each guy I broke up with claimed to be blind-sided, despite me stating very clearly that I was getting tired of their treatment of me, and stating very clearly what I wanted to change/happen. Not a single one of them made an effort to change.

One of them even told me 'why couldn't you have been a little louder' about voicing my complaints. I had been so direct ("I want to spend entire weekends together at least once every couple months", "I don't feel respected when you are over an hour late to meet me") I felt like I was slapped, because I remember numerous conversations in person, in the car, on the phone that eventually became literal screaming matches over the problems I had with the relationship. It's what ultimately made me realise that when you are involved with men, the relationship should be accepted as it is or you walk - they will not listen to you, they will not respect your needs.

Sure, one conversation might be worth it but if nothing changes after that stop wasting your breath and just leave. You shouldn't have to beg and repeat yourself to get basic needs met.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2020-02-04T20:37:55+00:00

The absolute state of men. They deserve to be abandoned and left alone to fester into an incel movement for being shitty abusive piles of trash.

Umm...

That divorce sub, along with heartbreak, ex-no-contact, and the various other breakup / dating subs seriously make me appreciate, to the fullest extent, the fact that I'm single, and I control EXACTLY how much space in my life certain men are allowed to occupy. I'm so grateful for my peace of mind and independence and I am sorry you went through what you went through.

glazedhamster · 2020-02-04T17:27:36+00:00

Deadbedrooms is jam-packed with these guys who don't understand why their wife, after a long day of caring for his children and his home and scrubbing skidmarks out of his draws isn't eager for a 2 minute jackhammer with zero foreplay. "I approached her from behind while she was doing dishes and smacked her ass, only for her to reject me! Poor me."

I think men take for granted that we're expected to be nurturing and forgiving, especially to them. Prior generations put up with that crap but it's 2020, sis, we have agency and have unsubscribed from that mailing list. It ain't 1950 and we're not doing it.

Edit: fixed a typo

aclumsygirl · 2020-02-04T19:33:30+00:00

Men never respond to words. I truly think they're programmed to tune us out. The only thing that they respond to is action.

You tell them ONCE what you want/need/expect, and if they don't do it, you put them on dread protocol. If that doesn't work, you walk. There's no other way. And they aren't "blindsided"; that's what they say to get sympathy.

ineedanewname2 · 2020-02-04T20:39:09+00:00

And after all the times you’ve told him to shape up or ship out, you finally leave and he runs around telling people you must have been cheating! Why else would you leave such a perfect, thoughtful Adonis?!

ResponsibleCharacter · 2020-02-04T17:39:46+00:00

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Ms_Tilly · 2020-02-04T19:09:50+00:00

In my experience they just don't think you'll ever leave even after only one date. How could you???? hE ReAlLy LiKeS yOu

EmergencyShit · 2020-02-04T20:58:20+00:00

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greenteaapplepie69 · 2020-02-04T21:06:37+00:00

I think it’s because they’re used to getting away with all this shit and they think you won’t leave. So when you do it really pulls the rug from under them.

They’re confused because they felt entitled to your labour and commitment.

thatsmyname12 · 2020-02-04T20:28:13+00:00

I work in a male dominated industry and used to travel a lot with my job and I've heard this countless times. Some co-workers regularly would cheat on their wives and when found out they would end up in divorce courts. One guy in particular, never hid his infidelity from his wife and had the audacity to return from one of our trips with a girlfriend in tow, with which he set up home with. He was 'blindsided' by his wife's wish for a divorce and still to this day moans about what happened to him. This was 23 years ago. He's almost 60 and still lives with his mum.

siberiansummer · 2020-02-04T17:20:53+00:00

So true. My divorce story is more dramatic, due to DV, but I asked him to do marriage counselling before he attacked me, I was crying on the reg, I was trying to make him happy all the damn time. Turns out he enjoyed making me miserable, so nothing was going to change unless I made the change. I kicked him out and life has been very different ever since.

Sisters, don't start a family with a man you aren't 100% sure of. You're better off with a sperm donor than an abuser. FACT.

Rain_Walker · 2020-02-04T21:16:56+00:00

My STBXH wasn’t blindsided but claims I have bad communication skills.

“We had one bad month!”

No, we had a bad year all of the other months were me being calm, reasonable, and clearly telling him what I needed. I even told him “This is literally what I need to hear from you when X happens.” He didn’t notice until I lost my mind and that’s all he remembers. 🙄

CroneRaisedMaiden · 2020-02-04T22:40:12+00:00

In my experience it’s a huge red flag when vetting potential partners. If a man “has no idea” why a relationship or marriage ended, it’s right up there with “she was crazy” in my book.

HighLife0001 · 2020-02-05T01:34:44+00:00

I always roll my eyes when a husband of 2-3 kids get divorced by their wives and then claimed they really tried. Excuse me, if a woman has 3 kids with you, and still divorced you despite needing all hands on deck at home to keep the household running and despite the stigma in the dating market: you done fucked up bad. I don’t need to know the details, I just know he fucked up either by doing something or by not doing many things

quaintlyspoken · 2020-02-04T20:57:41+00:00

Them flashbacks are hitting too hard sisters. Icm dizzy.

DelicateDream · 2020-02-05T00:45:14+00:00

I dated a divorced man and when he talked about his ex and their marriage, I started to see why she left him.

He was literally giving me information that showed exactly why she left him but in his mind he was a victim and she was 100% wrong and he couldn’t understand why she got so unhappy and left. He was literally telling me what he did to repel her and not seeing it himself at the same time.

And yes I was being a pickmeisha by playing free therapist (learned my lesson there).

ms_monquis · 2020-02-04T17:55:05+00:00

I wonder if these "shocked" men were also raised by parents who did the ol' "one...TWO..." before any consequences. 😂😂

husheveryone · 2020-02-04T22:25:04+00:00

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ResponsibleCharacter · 2020-02-04T17:24:53+00:00

Men are always shocked when women don't think just like them.

Look at sex, for example. Men cannot even comprehend how women can simultaneously enjoy sex, and also not want to fuck them. They think, because it's so hard to get a one night stand, it's because women don't like sex, or have super high standards when it comes to man's appearance. A lot of men actually think that women are more shallow than them lol simply because of how hard it is for some guys on tinder.

Men are shallow and vet their tinder matches by look only, so they automatically assume women are the same, so if women swipe only on 2%, it means they swipe on top 2% attractive.

Same with marriage. Men are comfortable in marriage and don't even try to be empathetic and see the world from a perspective that is not their own. It's all due to their extreme narcissism that they nourished growing up.

thowawaywookie · 2020-02-04T21:24:15+00:00

I have a relative married to a waste of space. I so wish she'd get the courage to leave. She says she has no way to support herself. The youngest child will be 18 in a year and I think he'll leave as I believe he's still cheating.

ThicThighzSavesLivez · 2020-02-04T18:11:18+00:00

Girrrrrl this is me all the way. Years of stating my unhappiness, suggestions to change, cute notes, quick love letters highlighting a problem. And then it escalating to my excluding any niceties and in clear verbal English telling him why I was so unhappy. And only after he got a divorce letter, did he suddenly realize something was wrong and even then STILL couldn’t put the pieces together. His head is so far up how own ass. I can’t tell you how often I hear him say he was “blindsided” by the “path I’ve chosen”. Nah bitch! YOU chose that path by lying to yourself for the duration of our marriage that everything was ok. And each time he tried to “change” I hear “well you didn’t state it that way at the time”. Pff!! I speak English and so does he. What about the words coming out of my mouth for 14 fucking years do you not comprehend?!??!! #PunkAssBitchMen

2020-02-04T22:34:09+00:00

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Nifteroni-and-Cheese · 2020-02-05T03:31:23+00:00

My mom told me something similar a long time ago. She was friends with a women married to a man who was friends with my dad. My parents watched their divorce as it unfolded. They had been to couple’s counseling for a few months and basically it was just her talking, the therapist making suggestions, and him agreeing to everything in the room then acting like it was brand new information when she wanted him to follow through later. She basically gave him an ultimatum one day, and he didn’t change his behavior, so the next Monday when he want to work a moving truck came and she completely moved out, she left behind his crap and her divorce attorney’s number. He told my dad how shocked he was, how he never saw this coming, about how he wished she was willing to work through it. Boi she tried, but he ignored her and that’s how he got his first divorce. (She took most of his money and started a bakery, it’s still doing great)

He’s doing fine btw, on his third failing marriage 🙃

emilydoooom · 2020-02-04T23:15:21+00:00

A guy on AITHA the other day claimed his wife ‘Suddenly’ wanted to be a surrogate without consulting him. I’m like, no one suddenly makes a decision that big. I bet she tried to talk about it and he ignored or shut her down. Then she made the decision alone and now he’s all butthurt about it!

EmergencyShit · 2020-02-04T23:18:03+00:00

My friends husband was “blindsided” when she filed for divorce after he cheated on her with 2 different women and lied saying he was no longer seeing them. She left to go be with her parents when she first found out because he started yelling at her and scaring their 1 year old son. She tried reconciliation (it’s a good step to try and shows is not your fault during the divorce process) but while they were in the process talking through stuff he went and got a third girlfriend. She found out when the women messaged her about something husband did and the girlfriend said he told her he wasn’t married anymore! The divorce finally is finished a couple weeks ago and the guy is still insisting she should’ve stayed with him. She happy he lives half the country away.

ny-lady · 2020-02-04T23:41:40+00:00

They only want to change when its over. You can tell them till youre blue in the face.

I had one of those, while our relationship was not bad there were things that needed to change, I tried and tried and tried. he pushed me to the brink.

Only wanted to change after it was over, begged for months but by then I was over it. My Dismissive Avoidant side was in full force! LOL

2020-02-04T23:38:56+00:00

My ex husband told me he didn't think I would really leave despite many many many many clear warnings. That's my fault for warning him more then once. No wonder he didn't take me seriously. Even after I left, he spent 2 years trying to get me to come back. Still wasn't taking me seriously

ManchurianCantaloupe · 2020-02-04T18:22:40+00:00

You guys should check out the classic: She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

SearchLightsInc · 2020-02-04T22:42:02+00:00

To me this is proof men do not take us seriously and do not listen to us, even when it's to their own detriment. My ex- husband was also "shocked" when I actually left our 20 year marriage despite 3 years in total of marriage counseling which did nothing to change his behavior and me directly telling him that his behaviors were destroying me and our relationship.

Pretty sure there was a study done that showed men in their second marriages were much more mature and put more effort in etc. Just thought i'd throw that in there, some need to have their lessons the hard way it seems.

SarcasmSlide · 2020-02-04T23:12:50+00:00

This was EXACTLY what I needed to read today. Thank you, OP.

flatliner4564 · 2020-02-05T03:03:48+00:00

Same story. Married 20 years. Dated 7 years before marriage. He truly started changing in year 3 of the marriage. But... We flunked 3 marriage counselors over those 15-17 years is drama. The last one just gave me. Number for a support group for people married to mentally ill spouses. It took years for me to have the courage to divorce him. But I cried daily. We fought daily. He verbally abused me. Threatened me physically. Told me he would ruin me. Take our son from me. Put cameras in my bags and hacked my emails to find cheating that never happened. And then was shocked when I finally said enough. I have had three failed relationships with men since my divorce 5 years ago. Each time they were total gentlemen in the beginning, but all three changed significantly over the course of our dating. Thankfully I never allowed them deeply into my life. I didn’t allow any of them to meet my son. And now I think I am done. I believe there are some good men, but I think less than I would hope, and I’m tired of wading through the dishonesty. The poor or passive aggressive communication has been stunning. I don’t see a reason to carry on. Think I’m going to take a break, and be happy with my friends, my amazing son, and my animals. I wish you all well, but her post is true. Be super careful who you give your heart to.

SheIsRadFem · 2020-02-04T21:10:45+00:00

Mine told me how he knows someone who’s fiancé just up and left, emptied heir apartment and just ghosted. Then proceeded me to abuse me in every way, cheat with porn and attack my self esteem, while cutting my phone line or telling me to move out (but without really meaning it) for 3 years. I’m sure when I leave he is going to be surprised and also think all women are the same like that woman who ghosted while basically excusing his own choices and blaming them on me as “you deserved it”. It’s almost like they are not very bright. But wait... check the pinned post on r/PornFreeRelationships science actually tells you WHY they aren’t that bright.

ivy176 · 2020-02-05T01:12:54+00:00

Very true. My ex was shocked that I followed through with divorce even though he was hitting me and I was crying for seriously at least 2 hours per day. He'd be like "omg shut up, are u still crying" when he passed me. After he'd hit me. For real. And was shocked when I was serious about kicking him out. And continued telling my family who took him into their home that I was just having a tantrum and I'd take him back when I calmed down. Lol

humanrobot99 · 2020-02-04T22:19:15+00:00

Ladies, not everyone will agree with me here, butttt.... you guys should really check out a YouTuber called “SheRaSeven1”. She give advice on men, dating, leveling up, and the psychology of men. It’s worth checking out and has open my eyes to a lot of things.

BrooklynBabe33 · 2020-02-04T21:54:26+00:00

They don’t listen to words only actions

Title	"I was blindsided!!!"
Author	penelopekitty
Upvotes	789
Comments	163
Date	February 4, 2020 5:13 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/eytaq2/i_was_blindsided/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-was-blindsided.694130 https://theredarchive.com/post/694130

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