Separation = divorce?

Adventurous_Zombie17 · 2024-12-03T14:26:47+00:00

separated. spent a week home during thanksgiving this year. overall been going well. we also started doing some phone calls last few weekends that were 2,3 even 4 hours each. not sure what loes ahead. going back to the other place for the next two weeks and hope to return for christmas with a longer time at my house. kids are young adults. i had some issues I have been resolving and she is doing the same. different issues but they feed off each other. not sure if this helps at all but everyone has a different situation I suppose. july august i was back and forth then sept 5-nov 25 was totally away.

ghostiewm · 2024-12-03T11:29:52+00:00

Not necessarily.

Some people need space to evaluate if the relationship works and if time apart causes them to seek out each other.

The best approach is to let her go, and you take your time. Make sure y'all agree on what separation means from a romance with others perspective, and co-parenting expectations.

Otherwise take the time to work on your interests, do things that bring you joy apart from her. Hit the gym, standard stuff. Also get familiar with divorce and separation of assets law and child custody rules of your area, if those apply..

Be prepared for the worst. But also take time for a relationship inventory. There are countless books and videos and podcasts and web pages of content. And the search button in this sub reddit is a wonderful tool.

Best of luck.

dudefromyork · 2024-12-03T10:17:04+00:00

Mate, she’s already planning to divorce you most likely the minute you step out of the house. This is probably going to be considered deserting your family and she will make it look that way to a judge if it gets to court. Likely she had this all planned out already based on advice from friends who are already divorced or from a lawyer.

Go see three different lawyers and pick the one you think gets it most. Take their advice. None of this can hurt the situation you’re in.

Real talk. We’re always the last ones to figure out our marriages are over. The ex wives are usually several steps ahead. They are already moving on. At the start at least. Just get yourself prepared and get a head start. Don’t let her have it all her own way. And never ever assume “she wouldn’t do that to me”.

I hope I’m wrong but there’s a fair few men I. This sub who wish they’d taken advice sooner.

Good luck.

WhyAreWeHere99 · 2024-12-03T07:52:38+00:00

I agree with your thought process. This isn’t a positive step for your marriage. This feels like she has someone else identified and she’s looking to test the waters with the “other guy”. In other words, there’s something else driving this separation idea.

Might want to get your finances in order, contact an attorney in private for advice, and figure out who the other person is. Also, if she wants to separate, tell her she’s free to leave but you’re staying in the home. Why do you need to leave if she wants to “work on ourselves”?

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Good luck!

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-12-03T05:57:44+00:00

Usually it's just an opportunity for women to test other waters without guilt

HoyAIAG · 2024-12-03T03:17:39+00:00

We separated for 4 months and it worked out. YMMV

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-12-03T02:52:36+00:00

Whatever you do, don't let her think you care more about the relationship that she does. Part of me thinks that was the biggest mistake I made in my marriage and the other part thinks, if she were meant for me I wouldn't have to play games. But she's pushing you away now, if you try to hang on she will lose respect and be gone.

Content-Class1259 · 2024-12-03T02:04:42+00:00

Separation=seeing other people, keeping you as a fallback.

tryig2figureitout · 2024-12-03T01:49:01+00:00

Get an attorney. Hope for the best.

CommonBubba · 2024-12-03T01:28:41+00:00

I am currently separated and plan to divorce. My state requires a one year separation first. When I started telling people about my situation, I was absolutely dumbfounded at how many people told me they had separated from their spouse and then reconciled.

If your wife wants this, she should be the one that leaves the house. Otherwise work it out with your therapist and move forward.

Squidgy68 · 2024-12-03T00:35:45+00:00

Me & my soon to divorced wife agreed to seperate for a year to work on ourselves around 4 months into the seperation I told her I was divorcing her, Been apart from her gave me time to evaluate the relationship and how it was dragging me down I had completely lost my identity but was becoming much happier and less stressed been apart from her that I decided divorce was needed...That was a year ago I love my new life so peaceful ☺

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-12-03T00:23:29+00:00

Since she is the one who wants out she should be the one to leave.

And yes separation is simply a longer drawn out divorce.

deep66it2 · 2024-12-02T23:32:17+00:00

Get u out of the house, then go for divorce. Stay in the house, get your ducks in a row. File for divorce & read, read read.

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2024-12-02T23:24:04+00:00

Simple google search confirms your suspicions:

“According to most sources, around 80% of separations end in divorce; meaning that only about 20% of couples who separate eventually reconcile and remain married. ”

The better question is, what do you want?

skybluetaxi · 2024-12-02T22:14:37+00:00

You have received amazing advice here. I will add that if you actually do want her back after you confirm there is not another guy then do not beg or jump through any hoops. She will lose respect for you and see it as weakness.

If you want any chance at having her back showing indifference will help you more. She asks for a separation, be calm and say sure, but tell her she’s moving out. She can at least respect this and see your emotional strength.

jkw118 · 2024-12-02T22:01:37+00:00

So she'd like a separation because she's been pondering it for 2-3 years. More then likely she sees the separation/divorce as a way to fix whatever she's upset about.

It could be you, could be work, could be stress of kids (yep I said it)

My ex, truthfully we'd probably be together still if we'd never had the kids. I honestly decided a long time ago, I'd rather have the kids (which I do mostly). The ex was a bitch, and honestly It would have been just a more dragged out nightmare.. Where basically we lived completely separate lives. Till she eventually commits suicide. (she almost did several times)

Their can be alot of reasons for it, my ex decided she couldn't live without kids. Then that nobody except her could take care of them and teach them (yeah her teaching kids was a super nightmare) It was a pain and a ton of arguments to get them into regular school.. And get them caught up.

Ex shouldn't have been a mother, and I shouldn't have married her.. But I love my kids, and wouldn't trade them for the world.

Yes you guys could repair the marriage.. But if she's asking for separation she has already given up. She's not interested in trying - You convincing her to try.. Won't do it. She's got to want it. and as I did when my ex left.

Her mom asked me this why did I let her go.

My answer "I can't control her, she's her own person and she's gotta want to make this work. She walked out the door after I repeatedly told her I would give her her space, but that at one point this goes from needing a break from life to being with others. If I stand here and force her to stay, will she be happier? Not at all. If anything she will continue to make everyone's lives more miserable and find any and every way possible to make us more miserable." Her mother agreed.. And also knew full well that her daughter doesn't listen to me, or anyone. And that she was making my life and the kids lives absolutely miserable and to an extent harassing and scaring our kids.

She's looking at the other fish in the sea, and wants to see what that is. As well as show to herself her independence, and control over her life.

klondike36 · 2024-12-02T21:54:48+00:00

I'm sorry to read this brother but your marriage is over and she has already mentally left, she just doesn't have the guts to tell you. Please take the advise from the guys on this thread. We have all literally been through it. It sucks a big one. Many of us on this page were in denial just like you. Many of us thought that it would never happen to us.

The guys on this thread are literally life savers. It really scares me to think of how much worse off that I would have been if I had not found r/Divorce_Men.

Keep your chin up. You are not alone!! This is most likely the worst mental pain that you will ever go through and its going to suck for a long time. You need to read this and take it to heart.

I was one of those that thought "not me, I can fix this". You can't fix this one bro!!

Don't beg or plead. Keep your self respect!!
Get a lawyer (protect yourself and your kids)
Keep records
Separate your income asap
DO NOT LEAVE HOME!!

Sea_Emu_4259 · 2024-12-02T21:49:55+00:00

Dont eat her crap, just find out who is her BF, as you will need that such info/proof for divorce proceedings +STD checks + DNA parental test if suspicion

djquikstop · 2024-12-02T21:32:48+00:00

Mine filed for Separation, I could have amended it to divorce but I wanted her to have to refile and reserve in an interest of handling the custody through mediation and not court. Her lawyer is amending it this week though.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-12-02T20:46:15+00:00

Just another person adding on to DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

They want you out for a soft divorce: you're gone but they still use your money, time, and labor. All the benefits of marriage without the sacrifices (and joys) of it.

If they want it THEY can leave.

you need to talk to a lawyer asap and be aware of your options.
do not tell them you're doing this
be ready to separate your income as soon as one of you files
do not drink/use drugs (if you do stop NOW).
do. not. leave. your. home.

wakablahh · 2024-12-02T20:21:47+00:00

Separation also is to see if they can survive without you financially, etc.

In separation, they typically do feel a wave of peace having been removed from their source of stress and anxiety.

Unfortunately that can be easily misplaced not as the relationship healing, but that they’re better off without you.

Embarrassed-Ebb-1970 · 2024-12-02T20:17:16+00:00

It’s called monkey branching. She wants to make sure the other guy is willing to commit first before getting a divorce.

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2024-12-02T20:09:15+00:00

Likely so she can get railed by other dudes and assess her prospects before cutting the cord with you.

Substantial-Run3367 · 2024-12-02T20:01:06+00:00

Get a lawyer and follow their advice. You can give her an upper hand in a divorce if you have already left the house. If she needs the space to "work on herself" and it is her idea she should put on her grown-up pants and go secure that place..

Masypha · 2024-12-02T19:53:47+00:00

She's cheating on you or will move on to someone new very quickly. Work on yourself.

AirSailer · 2024-12-02T19:52:59+00:00

As others have stated, this is a common wife tactic she's using. Beware, not only is she attempting to manipulate you, she's actively planning multiple ways to get you out because she knows once you leave she can legally keep you out even if you pay the mortgage and bills. Research the "Silver Bullet Method", that's the next step in the escalation if her first ask doesn't work out.

Does she have any divorced female friends, if not immediate does she have any on social media? Watch out for funds leaving your bank account, she's thinking long-term so most likely she's stashing money away behind your back.

Particular_Car7127 · 2024-12-02T19:50:37+00:00

Go see a family lawyer's and pick one. Pull money from anywhere you can and set aside in your own account for a retainer. Educate yourself thoroughly on divorce and what it means for you. Plan an exit strategy.

Significant_Idea_663 · 2024-12-02T19:46:13+00:00

Just agree you have no choice. THEN prepare for a difficult divorce. Your wife has lawyers lined up.

How do I know?

Ask 99% of men who were told exactly what she said, “let’s separate, I don’t want divorce, just separation, so we can work on our problems, we are always arguing, we have to do something different.”

Call 5 best family lawyers in your town so she can’t use them. You might find out she already beat you to some of them but you might be fortunate and she hasn’t.

Make appointments to see your lawyers and pick one. Preferably a woman but pick one don’t worry about the cost.

See your accountant and tell him it’s over and ask what to do.

Talk to your father or uncle or older mentor.

See a therapist alone. Do not see a therapist with her.

Get closer to your faith and your god, you’re gonna need it.

DM me if you need. Keep your head up and be a good man.

PS- DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. DO NOT ARGUE IN THE HOUSE. VIDEO TAPE IF AN ARGUMENT STARTS. Read about the laws in your state.

CrazySanta7 · 2024-12-02T19:42:33+00:00

Separation is divorce practice. It's mainly stated by the woman so she can hook up with her plan A, B, and C. Meanwhile, she has plan D (you) to come back to if those don't work out. It suck bro, but good luck.

ScaryInformation1436 · 2024-12-02T19:39:23+00:00

Seperation almost always leads to divorce.

DoughnutObjective806 · 2024-12-02T19:36:13+00:00

"Trial" separation means 1. One of the spouses wants to have sex with other people as a "hall pass" then reconcile.

2. one of the spouses wants to divorce but would like to keep the other spouse as a plan B.

Also be aware,women have no problem seperating...realizing she's not ready/kids arent old enough/she doesn't make enough money, then getting back together with the guy...waiting 5 years, then finally divorcing.

IcyMycologist4837 · 2024-12-02T19:20:05+00:00

Prepare for the worst and hope for a miracle. Make sure you have non joint funds to access. Ask your therapist what they think and if they support you moving out. If yes you either have a bad therapist or they are in it against you. My ex was planning the divorce long before actually deciding to pull the trigger. You need a plan. Example if you have a car loan, pay it off from joint account before filing(especially if you put the money in it). If you have extra money set up a UTMA account for your kids with only you as the administrator.

iSurvivedltd · 2024-12-02T18:58:48+00:00

Under no circumstance do you leave your house. If shes unhappy she can leave

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2024-12-02T18:42:33+00:00

I left for 3 days and my wife went to party with her adult children. I ended up back at my house to take care of our dog.

I decided to move back in and live in the basement.

She screamed at me. But we’ve all been yelled at before.

I finally told her that I was filing for divorce and that it would take nothing less than a court order to get me out of this house.

2 months later she moved out.

Stand your ground.

No_Pace2396 · 2024-12-02T18:40:47+00:00

Best case scenario this is her testing the waters. You’re her plan B if her newfound freedom isn’t what she expected. Worst case, tactic mentioned in other posts.

redraven1160 · 2024-12-02T18:39:48+00:00

Don’t leave the house. Contact a lawyer ASAP and explain what is happening. Work with them to formulate a plan. This is the beginning of the end game with her.

Pro-IDGAF · 2024-12-02T18:35:51+00:00

my wife wanted to play the separation “i need a break game” and i went along with that for about a month because i could tell it was a stall tactic

she want me to move out and i refused immediately. it was her move to take a break so i held firm and stayed and didnt allow that bs. she moved out the 2nd night.

when that backfired on her i could see she wasnt serious about fixing and then i discovered the other dude. at that point i pushed her forward to divorce

i want gonna play that game. didnt want her back anyway.

IAmMadeOfNope · 2024-12-02T18:34:38+00:00

Never leave the house. This is a common divorce tactic.

Several-Eagle4141 · 2024-12-02T18:31:38+00:00

She wants to find a new horse and just removed you from the herd.

notconvinced780 · 2024-12-02T18:21:50+00:00

I remember his same progression. Ask her what specifically SHE is going to work on and what specifically she’d like YOU to work on. Then tell her you feel you’d make better progress evaluating that part of yourself whole in the house and ask HER to leave to facilitate HER plan. It’s most likely a dishonest ask with an ulterior motive. I just went straight from receiving an ultimatum to divorce. Good Luck.

jimsmythee · 2024-12-02T18:15:21+00:00

It's a way to get you peacefully "out of the house" and then once you're out, locks changed, that's when she files for divorce.

tragicaddiction · 2024-12-02T18:14:23+00:00

Most likely she wants to see how things are without you and set herself up without having you around

So yeah odds are this is the final nail in the coffin but she will convince herself that she really is seeing if you can change or whatever else the problem is

Separation can work if you have an actual goal for it ending. Either it’s time based like 2 weeks, or goal oriented like a month of someone being sober with alcohol and doing A.A. meetings etc

soontobesolo · 2024-12-02T18:14:00+00:00

DO NOT LEAVE. It's a sham, she's setting herself up for full custody and that sweet, sweet child support.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f4yhuc/my_advice_to_those_starting_down_this_path/

If she wants to leave, she can, but she leaves you with the kids.

Moms_Sketti88 · 2024-12-02T18:13:48+00:00

At the end of the day it only takes one to decide to separate/divorce. You may not want it, but sounds like she does. I know it suck’s.

dnbndnb · 2024-12-02T18:13:44+00:00

Do NOT leave the house. Tell her she’s free to leave. Then file.

Title	Separation = divorce?
Author	ChartOne9250
Upvotes	29
Comments	62
Date	December 2, 2024 6:09 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1h51fcr/separation_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/separation-divorce.1537483 https://theredarchive.com/post/1537483

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