Avoidantly attached men like to pretend securely or anxiously attached women are “needy” when avoidants are actually very, VERY needy.

bleda_princezna · 2021-11-30T23:45:27+00:00

Ooof. That was my last relationship in a nutshell. Thanks for the reminder I've gotten out of my personal jail. 🙏 Every day has been a blessing since then. It's frustrating to be ridiculed for wanting and expecting normal relationship behaviour from a partner.

I'll add one that drove me crazy:

Partner, who will accept being completely ignored in moments when they need emotional support.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2021-11-30T23:42:38+00:00

A psychic partner who can predict when they'll need validation, reassurance, and/or detached sex, and when they'll need to be left entirely alone for two days but be available on standby, all before the avoidant man is even aware of his own needs and long before he can vocalize them. Oh and don't get more attached than they are, it spooks them.

Never again.

ETA: the avoidant partner is so caught up in their attachment issues that they probably won't even notice you or your needs or wants. Until you go to leave, anyway, then they're ✨blindsided✨ because you never cOmMuNiCaTeD.

msromperstomper · 2021-12-01T02:24:12+00:00

A woman who will do the therapy that he should be doing, read "Attached" , spend countless hours on Thais Gibson videos on YouTube trying to figure out how to make it work with the Dismissive Avoidant, all while he does nothing.

sofiacarolina · 2021-12-01T02:50:41+00:00

this is such a good contribution to the sub and I feel like there should be a deep dive post on attachment styles in general.

Anyways, I totally agree and especially if you have an anxious attachment style please avoid these men. They will make your anxious attachment worse (and can even make otherwise securely attached people anxious). What’s dangerous though is that anxiously attached people tend to be attracted to avoidants and it keeps us in a perpetual cycle of being retraumatized and not healing. I highly recommend learning about your own attachment style (also it can vary in relationships like in friendships vs romantic relationships depending on certain wounds you’ve experienced), reading up on all the attachment styles so you can identify other’s attachment styles, and of course working on becoming secure if you’re not. It’s a huge part of leveling up, imo. Thais Gibson’s youtube channel is a great source for tips on how to become securely attached (she has playlists and videos for each attachment style).

BettyX · 2021-12-01T05:19:23+00:00

"A partner who is okay with performative, detached sex". hit the spot. They run away right away if there is a intimate moment when having sex.

They want detachment at all levels. Seriously, don't date an avoidant definitely don't marry one. They can make securely attached people anxious and "needy" & yes insecure. Securely attached people can become insecure if they stay with avoidants especially. Avoidants tend to marry/go longterm women who are needy, not so bright, don't question or challenge them and makes them look good as they have a strong desire to be seen as competent.

FluffandRainclouds · 2021-12-01T06:32:55+00:00

Brilliant post!! Mind = blown.

Notice how there is little difference (if any) compared to a man who simply doesn't like you and is using you as a placeholder. Or maybe even some similarities to a person who has a condition and does not seek help (but instead uses it to manipulate).

So ladies, attachment style does not matter (leave that to the pros) if he does not give you what you need. If he doesn't make you feel special and cherished, he is not it. The thing that matters is you are trying to hard to extract love from someone who may claim to love you but doesn't act like it. Maybe he cannot hold his own socially, and makes you feel like you are the generic , replaceable person for his "girlfriend" role like someone mentioned in a past post. Plot twist: YOU may have the more interesting/rich inner life, even if he tunes you out.

Ugh, this hits hard to my Pickme days.. I remember boyfriends I would practically beg for a text, some attention, kind words, a phone call. These people literally had so little going on and just simply could not be arsed to do something nice for me (besides tolerate my company on their terms, when they wanted, invetween video games and other weird solitary interests). I then was crying and upset and CoMmUnIcAtEd it , even through text (🤡), which led to contempt and harsh words from them. If I was "lucky," I would get a brief apology after hours of silence and crying my eyes out alone at home, or to a girl friend. If they didn't apologize, I felt grateful if some time passed and they said nothing about my grave sin of crying (which meant, in my pickme mind, he "forgave" me without saying it" 🤡🤡🤡).

Whether or not these men told me they loved me, I was just a plaything to pass the time. I would see them using normal social skills (e.g. politely telling a friend's gf she didn't look fat when she put herself down, but side-eyeing me or acting cold if I ever wanted reassurance/a kind word). I lied to myself when they viewed me as a second class citizen, with "I need to EarN his trust!" LOL no. 🤡☹ Nothing more. I wasn't a whole person to them, despite accomplishing more, having warmer healthier seeming friendships, etc.

(Note: never ever seek validation from men-- my story was what NOT to do. After finding FDS, I vowed to do anything I can to not to let a man see me cry over him. I find my feelings die with dealbreakers and every heartbreak leads me to not even care enough to cry in the first place. They know you'll be upset and they don't care enough to change. They know the problem. They know your feelings, but don't care enough about making that investment in you to make you stay, let alone make you happy. A lot of men who act like this are probably developmentally arrested, addicted to video games/porn/whatever and are so passive/lacking T they cannot imagine a woman's function aside from seeing her as a talking sex doll (and only when he wants her). )

Do not date emotionally unavailable men. Most of all, never show your weakness/upset at risk of fueling their ego. Just say no.

pipeuptopipedown · 2021-12-01T07:04:19+00:00

[permanently deleted]

womanofmyownheart · 2021-11-30T23:32:44+00:00

Perfectly put.

1) Also, a partner that's willing to buy the notion that his current personality is the result of a woman from the past who caused him to 'become like this'

2) A partner that's ok walking on eggshells not knowing which action might make him withdraw even further.

3) A partner who will appear when he feels like chatting for hours but will disappear as soon as he feels like having me time. Like instantly, and out of the blue !

2340000 · 2021-12-01T00:03:46+00:00

I call these men, ABUSIVE💡

TBH, I haven't met a man who was avoidant attached and not abusive🤔

I understand that men have mental health struggles. But all that shit is tied in with everyday male entitlement. My ex could pass as avoidant attached, but that didn't stop him from making excuses for his cruel abuse.

Men hide behind mental health. They don't care and will happily keep abusing.

vforvendetta87 · 2021-12-01T03:47:14+00:00

Also, be mindful of how you react to a DA-partner as you may become, overtime, a DA yourself to numb the trauma you’ve endured. Anxious can turn into avoidant real-quick to protect the mind of perceived rejection and abandonment (anxiety). Monkey see, monkey do.

Edit: I believe all attachment-styles, with the exception of secure, fear rejection, abandonment and loneliness. Some avoid the issue (avoidant) awhile others overthink and act-out (anxious).

Competitive_Bar8657 · 2021-12-01T01:21:16+00:00

I've been in a situationship with one of these, super traumatizing.

Edit:

they make you anxious, lost, and sad when they pull away
you feel crazy for asking for their attention
you don’t feel in control
you ask for validation all the time (from them)
you can’t stop thinking about them (when they neglect you)
you go with whatever they want and lose boundaries

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-12-01T06:09:16+00:00

in short, he brings nothing to the table. why t f are you still considering him?

and don't start me on how they try to associate avoidance with being introverted...

Odd_Construction6742 · 2021-12-01T00:08:15+00:00

I love the framing of this post, I have thought this for a while, but never was able to put it into words! Thank you!

1Here4Bach · 2021-12-01T14:21:22+00:00

Avoidants aren’t needy in the sense that they need you around all the time. They’re needy for validation. They like doing that “push/pull” bullshit. Every time they pull away they get a high because they know, if you’re a woman with low self esteem, you’re going to chase them. They enjoy doing this with multiple women at one time and not committing.

thefemaleequivalent · 2021-12-01T06:51:30+00:00

HOOOOOOLY fuck this is my ex-fiancé. Wow wow wow you’ve made the ick so clear to me. He would act like a he was so above emotions, but really was just another man-child

anothernewyorklady · 2021-12-01T13:17:06+00:00

I have a predominately dismissive avoidant attachment style as a female, and I can confirm a lot of these complaints are pretty spot on. I’ve spent years working through the trauma that led me to demonstrate many of these same shitty avoidant behaviors. In my experience, my brain literally shuts down and I dissociate when I am experiencing triggers or emotional flooding, and the outward symptoms of that are avoidance and emotional unavailability. Demanding much of a person in that state is a pretty futile endeavor for a partner unfortunately.

I completely agree with the sentiments expressed here that the right thing to do for yourself, and for the dismissive avoidant person, is to disengage from a romantic relationship. If communicated in a healthy way, a breakup can even be a turning point for DA’s to begin focusing on growth and healing.

Some of the comments here have examples of men that sound to me like they may have disorganized attachment styles rather than dismissive avoidant attachment. I also wonder how many of these men may actually have cluster B personality disorders. Any professionals here please jump in and let us know of any helpful ways we might be able to differentiate or detect overlaps when it comes to attachment styles and more concrete disorders.

Platipus6 · 2021-12-01T01:02:41+00:00

They need a round of applause when they summon up the magnanimous, herculean effort to give you 10% of what a normal person can give, or they sulk and go back to giving 1%. But when they're ready, they expect 110% from you, or else you're making him feel unloved, unwanted, undesired. They use this cycle to justify their withholding, zero effort, parasitism.

"Ok, I'm here! Bend over backwards for me! ... oh wow, I guess you're not that interested in me..."

"You're asking too much" (as soon as you ask for something I'll run away. You get nothing with me and without me).

Also the haughty opinion that avoidant is best, because being clingy and smothering is the worst. You have to agree that they're brilliant and self-sufficient, because the only other option is needy and overwhelming. Like, normal isn't an option I guess.

letsberealforamoment · 2021-12-01T04:38:10+00:00

Avoidants need someone to neglect, yet need that same person to chase after them fruitlessly.

Once you break that wheel, the wheels come off the avoidants shitshow and avoidant is suddenly not so avoidant...until they suck you back in and in a few weeks they are back to neglecting you again.

daisy_0720 · 2021-12-01T05:56:26+00:00

God, my ex hit every single of the points on this list. And I was the one with too high expectations and asking for too much because I wanted... normal relationship behavior?

dembar126 · 2021-12-01T02:02:04+00:00

I find it funny how almost every single man I meet is an "avoidant" and I've never met a single woman I'd honestly categorize as avoidant. It's almost like it's just a LVM thing.

ultblue7 · 2021-12-01T06:07:36+00:00

So triggered by this lmao

chamomilepill · 2021-11-30T23:58:17+00:00

The first two ones are my real needs since I'm autistic and a man needs to accommodate. All the next ones are trash.

Avoidant men also need a partner to do all the social labor to keep his family/friend group from falling apart

nothingt0say · 2021-12-01T01:27:42+00:00

1, #4, and #5 I lived with for way too long

chainsawbobcat · 2021-12-01T11:53:23+00:00

Ok but what if I'M the avoidant one 😂

Oh right! I still communicate effectively and take accountability for my actions and I've never abused anyone.

georgie-24 · 2021-12-01T19:26:03+00:00

I’m currently in a relationship like this and I’m gathering the strength to break up with him next time I see him in person. As a non-confrontational person, this is a very big step for me (lol). Wish me luck.

Update: it went really well, which I wasn’t expecting. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Meredeen · 2021-12-01T04:22:33+00:00

As an avoidant attachment person, no, I can't imagine expecting anyone to put up with me, that just wouldn't be fair. That being said, I couldn't tell you how recovery works when the issue of trust is the inherent problem (I think?). At least, for as much as I've analyzed myself, the problems come from being repeatedly abandoned/tossed around as a kid, as well as a predatory relationship that happened when I was 19 and he was 28 and I got pushed into doing things I wasn't ready for.

My main priority as an avoidant attachment person is not a relationship, but whether or not I'll be able to change ever or if I'll just keep regressing like I am. It doesn't just affect romantic relationships, but my normal platonic ones as well and I hate it.

iloveyoubabi · 2021-12-01T06:13:15+00:00

Wow, that list describes my LVX to a T. Grateful to be out of it now. 🙏

fallen-summer · 2021-12-01T18:12:29+00:00

God i relate to this one so much u hit almost every nail on the head with my last relationship I was fucking miserable but stayed because I was naive and liked certain other qualities about him I swear that man traumatized and ruined me I don't know if ill be able to trust or care about someone again

pipeuptopipedown · 2021-12-02T07:18:31+00:00

I am afraid I dealt with a string of these guys in my 20s and 30s. Now that I know what to look for (and cut off at the first sign of), it seems that they are everywhere.

ironglaciers · 2021-12-01T12:59:23+00:00

This was my ex.

abgazelle · 2021-12-01T15:16:57+00:00

Perfectly describes my ex!

Title	Avoidantly attached men like to pretend securely or anxiously attached women are “needy” when avoidants are actually very, VERY needy.
Author	BananaSlugGhost
Upvotes	1199
Comments	103
Date	November 30, 2021 11:21 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r60dhp/avoidantly_attached_men_like_to_pretend_securely/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/avoidantly-attached-men-like-to-pretend-securely.1089431 https://theredarchive.com/post/1089431

Comments

1, #4, and #5 I lived with for way too long