Telling women to “just communicate” with their uncaring, oblivious, self centered partners is the advice equivalent of asking, “Have you tried turning off and back on again?”

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-11-17T15:33:13+00:00

Untrue. Turning it off and back on again has a much higher success rate.

vagabond-playing · 2021-11-17T15:31:59+00:00

i always say that I'd rather talk to a wall... at least the wall will let me finish what i have to say without interrupting me or invalidating me

Pahapan · 2021-11-17T16:58:04+00:00

The thing I abhor most about the JuSt CoMmUnIcAtE "advice" is that it keeps women in abusive relationships. The very first moment you notice abusive behavior you need to run, not stay and talk.

There was a post on a sex or relationship sub the other day where a young woman detailed how her boyfriend had been "talking dirty" during sex. Telling her that her father didn’t love her (but that he’d make it better or something like that), that he was going to fuck a baby into her (🤮), that he’d seen a beautiful woman earlier that day and that he was going to imagine he was having sex with her instead, etc. This is textbook emotional abuse and the beginning of this piece of shit initiating a traumatic bond with this woman. He’s doing this in the middle of sex, when she’s highly vulnerable, cycling through idealization and devaluation, reward and punishment. She seemed really confused by all of it and not sure how to feel, which is so common when you first start experiencing abuse.

The comments were, predictably, filled with people (men, lbr) being like, "Woah, this guy is a kinkster! 🤪 Sounds like he has a thing for degrading and a breeding fetish, haha! But it’s totally not cool that he started talking dirty like this without clearing it with you first. What a poopoo head. If you don’t like it, just talk to him and let him know!" When the ONLY sane and healthy thing for her to do is to break up with this asshole and block him on everything. If she stays with him I guarantee it's only going to get worse and she'll probably end up reproductively coerced and pregnant.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, seeing "CoMmUnIcAtE!" in response to situations like hers. But then I remember that Reddit skews young male. All these scrotes downplaying abuse and recommending communication know exactly what they're doing. By normalizing abuse and putting the onus of healthy communication on women, they're able to themselves go and do shit like tell women in the middle of sex that their dad doesn't love them and have the woman get portrayed as overreacting, vanilla, uncommunicative, etc. if she won't tolerate it. This "sex positive, JuSt CoMmUnIcAtE" culture is curated by men, for men.

Zurflu · 2021-11-17T15:55:46+00:00

Scrotes always say women talk and nag too much, but then they turn around and tell us all we need to have a good relationship is to communicate more with them 🤔

ivory_727 · 2021-11-17T15:22:48+00:00

On top of this, I think the most intelligent (read: conniving) manipulators actually like the "communicate" advice that women are told. My ex was always like "communication is SO important", and now I see why. He was all talk, no action. I told him how and why I needed him to change, and he always SAID he would, but he was all smoke and no flame.

If a man is especially misogynistic, I would be willing to bet money his line of thinking is "Oh, women are so dramatic and they feel like they're accomplishing something when we talk about things. Having talks with her is enough to make her feel like we are in a good place. I don't actually need to do any work."

Just my pet theory.

Buttercup5555 · 2021-11-17T16:11:05+00:00

Absolutely. It puts all the responsibility of rehabilitating a man with a personality disorder on a woman when even most professionally trained therapists struggle to do that.

thewetdog_ · 2021-11-17T16:25:37+00:00

This is a good reflection but to me the equivalent of turning on and off would be an ultimatum or dumping somebody until they self-correct.

For instance, I dated a guy who was in touch doing favors and nonsense to his long term ex. Once I became aware of this I told him I wasn’t okay with that, that I don’t entertain any of my exes much less am chummy with them. He stated I wasn’t going to control his friendships and who he could talk to or not, etc. So I dumped him. Right? turned off

Then he came back, saying he’d thought it over, I was right, it wasn’t necessary to keep in touch and he was willing to cut her off. Like NC. He claim to understand it bothered me, and that since he LoVeD me, he would comply even if he couldn’t relate. It was about 2-3 weeks so I took him back. turned it back on

And it worked. For a while (about 8 months as far I could tell). But as the relationship deteriorated, he got back in touch with her I suspected and when I finally confronted it he half-heartedly denied it. But I knew my gut. So I dumped him once and for all.

Guess who he was leaning on the same week after I dumped him?

Whatever issue is causing a disruption, will happen again. And unless you want to be turning it on and off, for the rest of your life, you gotta chuck the appliance that freezes/comes to a standstill/collapses, and get a whole new one.

vududoodoo · 2021-11-17T14:01:58+00:00

I did that for most of my failed relationship and gave women the same advice, told them to be open and honest with their man-baby and that they had to put forth more effort to communicate with the men.

I was brainwashed into believing that guys are just clueless and we have to basically be their therapist and guidance counselor, yet we are supposed to accept that they weren't capable of supporting us emotionally or psychologically in the same way.... Cuz... "Me big caveman, me no understand woman's feelings".

How are we expected to communicate well with a male partner who isn't trying to communicate back 🙄🙄🙄

I feel the opposite now, I tell people that they have the right to their privacy and they don't have to tell their their partners everything. They especially don't have to talk to them about anything traumatic in their past if they don't feel like it, definitely do not start opening up to a man if you're not ready.

Sometimes they will pressure you and tell you they're trying to just be "open" and communicate with you and really they're just trying to get vulnerable information that they can use to manipulate your feelings later. They're looking for stuff that they can re-traumatize you with whenever they want. (Trauma bonding). They will absolutely bring up traumatic things that you thought you were sharing with them (in is safe space), they will throw it in your face the first chance they get. You don't have to tell any dude your whole life story.

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2021-11-17T16:55:01+00:00

Whenever I see people suggesting marital therapy, I cringe. I threw away so much money dragging my ex husband to counselors and never made any progress - each time we went to was like the first time he’d ever been there. I’ve never seen anyone fail so hard at counseling.

seadragon6 · 2021-11-17T16:56:09+00:00

Communicating opens the door for men to manipulate using their words, rather than their actions. It also promotes codependency as it forces you into the mindset that you owe your partner your pain and personal emotions. You honestly don't. They should be treating you so well that it's a rare occurrence to share with them when you're hurting.

Buggy1218 · 2021-11-17T13:59:45+00:00

Hey, at least that sometimes works. Communication with someone who ultimately doesn’t care does nothing.

I’ve had long conversations about issues with an ex. He would apologize, say that he completely understands and would change xyz. Then when the issue came up again he would go back on his word as if we never talked about it. Repeatedly.

Even the ones who communicate back with you are often just saying whatever they think will shut you up in the moment.

kaitybubbly · 2021-11-17T16:36:36+00:00

Hoooly this absolutely. You can attempt to communicate with him until the cows come home but if he refuses to also make the effort to actively listen and engage with you, it's like talking to a brick wall. I'm glad I know now but wow did I waste so many years trying to get through to someone with their head up their ass.

thrway01010 · 2021-11-17T15:09:42+00:00

I have been interested in self help methods for as long as I can remember because my mom was into all that and had books. These days social media is filled with texts, posts and infographics about self-awareness, mental growth and such. While checking my instagram feed I thought about the people who make this type of content and those who consume it. I would bet my left tit that men are a tiny minority. Plenty of narc men who love their own voices wish to be gurus and life coaches but how many men read about unlearning toxic attitudes or being a better, more mindful partner? Putting time and effort in creating cute, aesthetic little posts and videos about ways to communicate better, have a healthy relationship etc?

Sometimes I'm about to post one of those here and then realize that most men don't give a shit. We already know. None of us here are perfect but women are conditioned to be understanding and accomodiating and put other's before ourselves. It's insulting to push the responsibility of "communicating better" and being more understanding and nicer when the average guy out there doesn't think to do the same or even half of the work women do to please their partners.

DieMadwithScrotacity · 2021-11-17T18:07:58+00:00

If you have to spent so much thought and time and energy just trying to figure out how to say something so that a man will actually listen to you... it's not worth it. Im tired just thinking about it. They know. They just dont care.

thinkingaboutfrogs · 2021-11-17T17:01:00+00:00

The difference is that turning it off and then on again actually works 😂

myeggsarebig · 2021-11-17T17:35:55+00:00

There was a post earlier on a sub that I respect because the majority of women there are fierce, and don’t do bullshit. But there were still the few, that actually suggested the victim go to therapy with their abuser to appease the scrote husband.

nodisappointMENtpls · 2021-11-17T17:03:41+00:00

Communicate with a brick? Men will only listen or do something if consequences exist. Explaining to them what they did wrong allows them to strengthen their arguments as they will try to counterattack your points and no changes will be made. It's not a discussion, it's a debate.

'Communicating', a.k.a the woman explaining what the man did was shitty should not be the go-to method. It shouldn't be considered at all! If you want to win arguments, join a debating team. You are not smart by wanting to prove them wrong, you already lost by engaging with them in the first place. HVW understand you don't even have to go through hell to understand. Listen and learn.

Amazing_Wolverine_37 · 2021-11-17T17:31:04+00:00

Can't get blood from a turnip.

egyptologist13 · 2021-11-17T21:18:36+00:00

I was told to "communicate" A LOT. The problem is, that communication is a situation that requires two people to take part in it. One person alone cant communicate when the low value partner doesnt listen nor bothers to answer.

Biracial_tooth_fairy · 2021-11-18T00:46:53+00:00

I shit you not. I once concisely, and very articulately explained to my ex something that he did that bothered me and why it bothered me only for him to state that "I don't say anything" to him 3 minutes later.🤯🤯🤯

Scoobyginger25 · 2021-11-17T20:07:51+00:00

Exactly, you communicate politely and they don’t listen! And if you repeat yourself then you’re a nag

truncatedelongation · 2021-11-18T00:33:09+00:00

Yes, it’s very condescending too when the “adviser” expects you and only you to be the communicator, while they are granted and excused with “that’s just them” like tf lol

creepingforresearch · 2021-11-18T01:32:43+00:00

Put the boyfriend in rice ❤️

toothfairyyx · 2021-11-17T14:17:18+00:00

Agreed. We don’t need to “cOmMuNiCaTe more.” If anything, we actually need to communicate LESS!

“Just cOmMuNiCaTe” will not solve fundamental relationship issues. Remember, we’re talking about LVM or NVM here. And why should WE be expected to bear the burden of responsibility for communicating when they lie, omit, and manipulate?

I’ve literally been told “I hid [transmissible disease] from you because I didn’t want you to leave me.” 🤮 Sorry, this is not up for additional discussion. I left.

Saga-the-fierce · 2021-11-17T15:19:30+00:00

I agree with the sentiment, but the analogy doesn't work. As someone who regularly helps my colleagues with computer issues it is SO frustrating when they haven't even tried turning it off and on again 😂 which is pretty much a guarantee to fix the computer problem!!

Sometimes I reflect back on the times I cOMmUnIcAtEd and cringe!

Antique_Fortune6974 · 2021-11-18T00:48:26+00:00

Or everytime you CoMunIcAte you're always told "that's not good enough " or "that's not a solution ". Meanwhile they aren't doing anything but making those comments, complaining like the man-child he is

Never again.

jijitsu-princess · 2021-11-18T14:06:16+00:00

LVM see any communication about a request as us being controlling or that they have fallen short. They take it extremely personally and instead of using the opportunity to rectify a simple situation they sulk and heel drag. They are so caught up in how they feel they can’t see the forest through the trees.

Wives haven’t been silent. They’ve been trying and communicating. Husbands just weren’t willing to listen and refused to give a damn.

extraodi · 2021-11-17T20:26:13+00:00

Yeah…I remember the time I communicated and nothing changed. That’s why it was over ! If they wanted to they would.

gimmeyourbadinage · 2021-11-17T16:55:09+00:00

No, because generally turning it off and back on again fixes the problem. Not the equivalent at all.

Telling women to communicate with their brain dead men is more like the equivalent of buying a new computer and being expected to take it apart, fix it, and put it back together again. And look hot while you do it.

MyDegreeIsBS · 2021-11-17T16:22:27+00:00

I think this is bad advice because sometimes resetting an appliance ACTUALLY WORKS, unlike "just communicating".

alvina-blue · 2021-11-17T17:34:45+00:00

One of the BEST statement I've ever read. Actually speechless.

ironglaciers · 2021-11-17T22:11:03+00:00

The thing about communication is it goes both ways even if one person does all the talking. The other has to actually listen and understand what was said. Like everything else, these kinds of men expect someone else to do the work in either case.

ultblue7 · 2021-11-18T03:38:34+00:00

Yeah my ex told me I just needed to communicate my needs only to be later put off by my efforts to do exactly that. Even jokingly got called needy and then lied to right before the breakup. Its basically show me your cards so I can see how to play you. Not sure what else to do though besides walk away at the first sign of it.

Edit: I would also notice my ex tense up every time I wanted to talk—I should have recognized it as his willingness to run.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-11-17T18:34:57+00:00

It's more like telling someone with a broken leg to walk it off

throwawayaway388 · 2021-11-17T16:56:25+00:00

One question was really a whole ass post? Lol

Begoniaceae6 · 2021-11-17T13:50:16+00:00

There is real value in turning off and on, just so you know. It clears the ram, turns off everything that’s running that you might not even know about. Solves a lot of problems

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-11-18T04:18:55+00:00

It’s not “just communicate”, it’s “put your foot down”. Make it clear what is and what is not acceptable. They don’t need to know why you feel that way, what happened in your past that led you to set these boundaries - they just need to know what will cause you to walk away.

Title	Telling women to “just communicate” with their uncaring, oblivious, self centered partners is the advice equivalent of asking, “Have you tried turning off and back on again?”
Author	BananaSlugGhost
Upvotes	1495
Comments	109
Date	November 17, 2021 1:32 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qvzcim/telling_women_to_just_communicate_with_their/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/telling-women-to-just-communicate-with-their.1083658 https://theredarchive.com/post/1083658

Comments