Q4W: Are you protecting yourself or just avoiding difficult conversations by ghosting?

pentatonicartichoke · 2025-03-18T15:14:23+00:00

At what point is it ghosting? I've heard some guys say it's ghosting when the conversation dies on OLD even if you never actually went on a date.

bluepvtstorm · 2025-03-18T15:38:15+00:00

People have a really and habit of not accepting no. They feel like if they keep you talking then they can change your mind. Some people feel like you need a reason to stop dealing with them that fits their narrative and not yours.

So if I feel like they are that type of person, it’s a block. If the conversation falls off then I am good and leave it at that.

spanglesandbambi · 2025-03-18T14:45:13+00:00

The only time I have ever ghosted someone is when their behaviour became obsessive. I was a head teacher. Thus, you can search my name, and my place of work would come up. He did this and would appear outside work. I messaged him to say I was not comfortable with this, and he continued for several days.

I ghosted him and had security remove him.

Tylikcat · 2025-03-18T17:29:51+00:00

So, if you tell someone why you won't date them anymore, and they won't accept it, do you still call it ghosting?

I'm a pretty forthright person. Occasionally things fall off my plate because, yo, new professorship and that can be a lot. But if I go out with someone and don't want to again, I'll tell them.

But if they want to argue about it? Yeah, I'm likely to drop it. I mean, if there's an actual established relationship, I think a certain amount of discussion and closure might make sense. But a single date? "Not interested," should suffice.

Though the current one I've been dealing with is someone I went out with 1.5 times (he stopped by my place once, and not for that long). It's all pretty simple - I thought he was in his mid thirties (which is still really young for me) it turned out he was in his late twenties. I am in my early fifties, this is well into "OMG, you could actually be my child, and not in a teen pregnancy sort of way", not to mention getting dangerously close to half my age.

...which is conceptually pretty damned troubling. (Moreso because I'm a professor, and ye gods, that is just not how I see my students.) But also... it quickly became clear just how much more life experience I had. He felt like a kid to me. Just no. (Note: sweet guy, a marine, and a nice bod. If I knew someone I thought would be a good match, I'd totally set them up. <= always my favorite way to dispose of past boyfriends, if they're decent folks.)

So I told him that. And he was all "But that's not how I feel! That doesn't bother me!" Which really isn't to the point, since the problem is that it bothers me.

So fast forward, it's, oh, a year and some later, I think? After a period of no contact because I wasn't up for arguing (and was interviewing for my current professorship, teaching, getting papers published, etc - look, there are reasons I don't date much) and we have a few friendly exchanges online. We're now on opposite coasts (of the US.) ...and then he starts going on about how he wants to fly me out and fuck like bunnies (not his precise wording). I told him that is not how I feel about him. He started to argue.

And I stopped replying. Again. I was hoping we could be friendly? (That he's taking classes I used to teach makes him even less of someone I'd sleep with, yikes.)

Nellylocheadbean · 2025-03-18T14:01:37+00:00

Ppl ghost because they don’t believe the person is worth the extra effort of ending things properly. Basically “ I don’t owe you anything” mentality.

Feisty-Saturn · 2025-03-18T15:03:38+00:00

I am avoiding difficult conversations.

Someone I ghosted had my ig. He ended up asking me what caused me to ghost on multiple occasions and I eventually responded. There were a lot of things he said in our discussions that flagged for me. (He seemed like he had heavily bought into the red pill negatives about women). Ultimately I ended up telling him all these things I thought were negative about him and I didn’t really think that was my place. Like sure I thought his views and personality sucked, but there could be a woman that loves that. I’m a random stranger what does my opinion matter.

Me just not responding lets you know I’m interested. We don’t need to delve into why I’m not interested.

toasterchild · 2025-03-18T14:25:59+00:00

The few times i was accused of ghosting it was men who i was only in the chat stage with. In both instances I simply got busy and didn't respond a few days when i got back to the app there were rants at me about ghosting.

There is probably some truth to the fact that if i was REALLY excited to get to know them i probably wouldnt have forgotten to get back to them when busy but i wasn't planning on blowing them off either.

In the end does how it ends really matter?

FearlessSea4270 · 2025-03-18T15:15:06+00:00

The two times I’ve ghosted someone were an accident. Like I had it in my head to reach out to them but then I got busy and I forgot about it. Weeks later when I realized I never sent a text I figured it’s probably better to leave it then rehash new drama in their lives. ( fyi these weren’t relationships, they were one dude I hung out with like maybe three times and the other was a dude I went on 2 dates with.)

Tbf I do the same shit in non-romantic situations too, adhd and object impermanence is a struggle.

My_House_on_Mars · 2025-03-18T15:05:45+00:00

I think if you've barely went out once and not even a kiss happened it's fine to ghost. Unless they ask directly, in which case you should answer (a vague "there wasn't chemistry" is fine)

S0yslut · 2025-03-18T15:09:32+00:00

Most of the time I ghosted I just forgot about them. When I was dating I had a demanding career and I don’t remember how most ended they were mostly one time tinder dates. I might wonder about them a month later (by that time responding was too awkward) and realized I never responded to them but for the most part I was preoccupied and didn’t think about them. If I were interested I would have probably remembered them. The few times I remember ghosting intentionally it was because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or I was angry and never wanted to speak to them again.

I only had a conversation with men I had relationships with.

PracticalControl2179 · 2025-03-18T18:25:49+00:00

If you haven’t met her and your chatting has been limited to online or some text into it is appropriate to ghost. If you’ve met in person, it’s ok to ghost after one date if you haven’t been intimate or kissed. After the first date, it’s rude to ghost unless the guy is really problematic or something.

But not every circumstance needs an explanation. I don’t want to know that the guy I went on a first date with thought I was butt ugly or a prude because I didn’t kiss him on the first date. I don’t want to know that the guy I was talking to on tinder met a girl and believes she is his soulmate. I don’t want to know that a guy I was chatting with was only chatting with me because he didn’t get any other matches and was reluctantly trying to hold a conversation.

Why would you want to know?

SayuriKitsune · 2025-03-18T13:58:47+00:00

nope, I had many instances that a "nice friendly guy" got aggressive at rejection, they usually don't show you this side till rejection happens, not taking any chances... when men can take a no for an answer like a man instead of like a toddler throwing a tantrum, maybe less ghosting will happen. Till then, booo (ghostly sounds)

leosandlattes · 2025-03-18T14:47:57+00:00

I just don't care. If the conversation fell off or whatever I'm not going to text them a week later and be like, "Hey this is boring so bye". That's weird.

justdontsashay · 2025-03-18T14:07:41+00:00

I’ve never ghosted.

I’ve been accused of ghosting, you can decide if it was a fair accusation…I broke up with my bf of two years (he didn’t want to break up). He kept calling and texting me for weeks after, trying to rehash the breakup and convince me to take him back, and after a few weeks of this I told him that I needed space and was not going to reply to him anymore. He continued texting me, I didn’t respond, and he told mutual friends I had “ghosted” him.

I’ve also been accused of ghosting twice by men who asked for my number, we exchanged a couple messages but I wasn’t feeling it so I basically said nice to meet you but this isn’t going to go anywhere (but nicer, obviously) and then I stopped responding.

So when I hear about people getting ghosted all the time, I wonder how many are situations like mine, where someone ended the interaction and the other person takes it as “ghosting”

Sophiatab · 2025-03-18T15:31:44+00:00

I ghost because degenerate or misogynistic male behavior makes me very angry and if I were to continue interacting with a man who exhibits that behavior, I would find myself responding to anything he says with very gut-stabbing cruel insults and otherwise uncivil online behavior. It's not about avoiding difficult conversations. It's about me not getting so enraged that I dox a guy to everyone I know and spread this information to his friends, his family, and his co-workers. So which to do you prefer little boys, ghosting or scorched earth?

waffleznstuff30 · 2025-03-19T00:38:35+00:00

What constitutes ghosting.

A conversation fizzling out on a dating app is hardly a ghosting usually that's just conversation dying out. And if both parties aren't making plans it's nothing. It's not going anywhere it's a chore to reply back.

Nothing after one meet up? It's a no harm no foul situation. Like it just wasn't there. After a single date there's no emotional investment. I won't take it personally they shouldn't either.

If it's substantial time and multiple dates. That would be a conversation. Because significantly more time was invested.

RoseyButterflies · 2025-03-18T14:45:14+00:00

Iv ghosted just for the sole reason that there were too many men not to ghost lol

No-Past7721 · 2025-03-18T19:51:41+00:00

I am not obligated to suffer an outburst before making myself absent. If I do a risk assessment based upon his behaviour and communications and decide that aggression in response to an honest statement that there will be no second date will be the response I am well within my rights to delete and block.

You don't owe some one you've only been on one date with free shot at being aggressive at you. They can work it out. If they can't work it out then you're no doubt not the only aspect of the world that deeply puzzles them.

I don't care if you think this makes me a coward. I'm not getting yelled at by shitty dudes and that pleases me.

And I don't think anyone who has never really dated men really knows enough about how things go to have their opinion on this be regarded as worth a lick of spit in a rainstorm

ThatBitchA · 2025-03-18T14:10:07+00:00

I've ghosted because I don't need to explain myself to someone.

If I'm no longer interested or don't want to participate, I won't.

There's no difficult conversations to have. There's no conversations to have.

I'm done, I'm out, boo. 👻

if you are ghosting people without them having a single instance of severe anger or outbursts

I can ghost anyone for any reason.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2025-03-18T15:48:50+00:00

I have only ghosted 2 men, one got very stalkery, I had tried to back off slowly. It made the situation worse, so I blocked on everything, started to park in a different place so he couldn’t see if I was home etc.

The second we hit off really well been talking for a week, then I woke up one morning to an essay about how he wanted to marry me, how we were ment to be together had never felt likes this wanted to get me pregnant. I was freaked out and after the previous time I wasn’t risking it.

Luckily the next person I spoke to was amazing.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-03-18T14:26:36+00:00

I avoid pointless, harmful conversations. Experience has taught me that people only think of themselves, this doesn’t just apply to dating

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Siukslinis_acc · 2025-03-18T16:20:31+00:00

I don't ghost. I might take more time to respond, because life happens (as some people think that they are being ghosted if you don't respond within less than an hour).

I hate leaving things unfinished. So at the least I will inform that I'm ending the thing. And then I might "ghost" your interactions after I have said "goodbye".

attendquoi · 2025-03-18T18:37:05+00:00

Not currently dating, but I'd ghost someone if I've never actually met them in person.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2025-03-19T09:55:29+00:00

I always told them after date that there was no spark. If we only texted it usually just faded away. Or you tell them no but they keep insisting and don't take the answer and it doesn't stop so you have no other choice but to block them on the app. So either it just fades away or they don't stop trying to argue with you and you have no choice.

Unique_Mind2033 · 2025-03-19T20:30:43+00:00

I don't ghost unless ive already stopped thinking about him. if I am thinking about the person in my head, and then ghosting them, it would feel dishonest

I have an all cards on the table personality, and besides I love to write, I find beauty in relationships of all sorts, and I think the best way to protect oneself is by telling the truth in all circumstances

so I will fall in my sword and always continue to text as long as what I'm saying is a fair, honest and relatively beautiful, even if unpopular, or it's not going to get me in their good graces.

since I don't have any other real skills I consider it to be my duty to society to keep it 100 in a way very few people have the courage to do.

Robot_Alchemist · 2025-04-18T14:16:56+00:00

Why do you assume the only reason men are ghosted is fear of potential violence?

Fun_Breakfast697 · 2025-03-19T00:45:40+00:00

Ghosting is fine and preferable in the early stages. I've been on both sides and I would much rather be ghosted than have a whole breakup conversation with some guy I've been on two dates with. I'd rather ghost than initiate that conversation.

It has nothing to do with safety and that's fine. It's treating other people the way I would like to be treated.

I'll be honest, I'm a little suspicious of people who are very anti-ghosting. I suspect most of them are actually just upset about rejection, and wouldn't like the alternative nearly as much as they claim.

Q4W: Are you protecting yourself or just avoiding difficult conversations by ghosting?

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Title	Q4W: Are you protecting yourself or just avoiding difficult conversations by ghosting?
Author	Im_Unsure_For_Sure
Upvotes	20
Comments	274
Date	March 18, 2025 1:48 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1je5dc2/q4w_are_you_protecting_yourself_or_just_avoiding/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-are-you-protecting-yourself-or-just-avoiding.1546928 https://theredarchive.com/post/1546928