What are some green flags for picking a future wife?

Grand-Expression-493 · 2022-10-03T01:08:58+00:00

Just know that religion doesn't matter. Conservative culture doesn't matter. Nothing matters in this day and age, especially in the tiktok and Instagram culture.

Whosoever you find and will care for, will change.

You can never truly know a person until you live with them.

There are some of us who lived together with their partners before marrying them, and yet they got divorced.

Honestly, in this day and age, flip a coin whether you'll be divorced or not. You look like you have your shit together, atleast financially.

Pay a good lawyer, and get an iron clad prenup. Do not mingle finances with your wife, and keep track of expenses. Don't trust too easily. And be prepared to have your heart broken.

Don't go for too much age gap, I'd say anything more than 3 years might be pushing it. Mine was 6 years and I should have never done it.

Most importantly, delay kids until you know for sure you can afford them, and if things go bad, you can afford child support. Try to get a spouse who has goals and aspirations. This might mean you both will compete career wise and what not, but honestly I'd wish I had that than someone who has no ambitions and is a door mat. Because guess what, family law is known to favor the lower income earner.

Or... Be a fuck boi and don't get married.

CrazySanta7 · 2022-10-03T02:05:46+00:00

There is a 50% divorce rate and probably another 35% married, but unhappy. Women file for divorce at least 80% of the time. What benefit do you see from marriage? Because society says it's the thing to do? High earners are prime targets for marriage, but after a few years a new shiny object with even more money will come along and 1/2 of your money is gone. You'll also pay child support if you have kids and probably allimony. Best case, you will see your kids 50% of the tine. Most people igore advice because they believe it can't possibly happen to them. Guess what? So did the rest of us. But, a green flag is a woman who is 100% okay signing a pre nup. But guess what, even a premup doen't fully protect you in court. That's what happens when the government is involved in your 'marriage contract'. Good luck.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2022-10-03T05:49:18+00:00

You can’t avoid divorce but you can minimize damage from it:

Ensure that she earns about as much as you do, or more. Avoid spousal support.
Ensure that she isn’t interested in becoming SAHM, look for career oriented woman. This way you can have higher chance of 50/50 custody.
Ensure that as a family you live in 50/50 state, and you can live there till kids turn 18. You won’t be able to move freely after divorce without losing custody, in most cases.

Melikeydrumsticks · 2022-10-02T23:11:11+00:00

Easy, don't marry. There really is no benefit to it for the higher earning spouse.

Zealousideal-Duck670 · 2022-10-03T03:06:57+00:00

Don't get married. As a man who once had a few properties and businesses to being left homeless and having to start all over again. It is not worth getting married. The entire legal system is against you as a man and nothing good comes from marriage. The woman will usually use your child as a financial weapon if you end up having any kids.

bobbyfav · 2022-10-03T08:42:50+00:00

Honestly, marriage is dead it’s an old institution that makes no sense in todays world. Like others have said you never think divorce will happen to you but it can and it probably will! You can have everything and love them as hard and as much as you can but there’s no guarantee that they feel the same, despite what they say. I was convinced we’d would never split up, she loved bombed me for 14 years and that puts you into a false sense of security, then one day boom, they don’t love you anymore.

I, and maybe people will disagree but I honestly think people don’t even know why they split up/divorce sometimes, the rise of social media has a lot to answer to, there’s always something better, someone more fun, someone richer, better looking etc and I think as people are scrolling thru they see everyone else is one person and it sets something off inside, it’s like a disease. My stbxw has moved on, has had a baby with someone else, it’s took an enormous amount of effort on my part so that we are on goodish terms but I can tell in her voice she regrets things, and indeed my ex BIL has confirmed this, I brush this off now, I have too for my own sanity, it just makes me incredibly sad that she blew a perfectly good family up for a shiney new toy.

I’ll never marry again, I would like to be in a equal relationship and I may cohabit for practical reasons but I enjoy the freedom and the control of my own life.

My big red flag to watch out for is her mates, what are they like if she has 4 mates that you wouldn’t date/trust/etc… she’ll one day become the 5th.

Good luck

James1933-75 · 2022-10-03T00:38:16+00:00

Son, Christian doesn't help, in the cultural Christian attitude. Maybe hardcore Brethren or Amish would help, but that is because the rules are so strict.

College educated is actually worse, sorry to say, look at the stats.

Nowhere in the Bible does it discuss ANYTHING resembling a marriage license, nowhere.

Almost 15 years married, she was supposedly a "Christian, born-again" ... She put her whoring above her children, she abused prescription drugs with alcohol. She even whored with "family friends". I filed, no mercy.

Confident-Minute-361 · 2022-10-03T04:26:04+00:00

Communication is the number one thing. Honest, open communication. Date for a loooong time. Really get to know someone prior to marriage.

Hindsight red flags? Well, when red flags come up for you as you’re dating, don’t give excuses or shrug them off. Evaluate them. Talk about them. Usually if it’s a problem in dating, it’ll be a huge problem in marriage, but by then, you’re married.

Discus deep things, prior to marriage your relationship shouldn’t be at all superficial, you both should know each other well and have a deep agreed upon understanding of each other and shared philosophy on life & marriage.

Everyone changes. We all get older, lose interest in some things, gain interest in others, stop thinking one particular way and start thinking another, but ultimately you should both be making each other better people and we shouldn’t change who we are at our core. Take note of how she deals with people, does she have a tendency to be mean, disrespectful, quick to anger, quick to speak, etc.?

When pre marriage arguments occur, work those out, don’t sweep anything under the rug, dating is the time to work those things out. Know that arguments and such will come even in marriage, no marriage is perfect, give yourself some grace, but even with little things if it’s a problem for you, talk about it. Don’t ignore them. One “little thing” here, another “little thing” there and then you have a big problem on your hands.

Hmm what else? All things I wish I would’ve done prior to marriage (and now divorced).

ColdHandGee · 2022-10-03T10:23:10+00:00

'Marriage is a fools errand'.

Married 25yrs to a woman who i thought she was my soul mate. I was a fool. Didn't see the red flags because i was blinded from her lovebombing me. When she had me in her grasp came the push pull trap.

We all know the rest:

Infidelity

Alcoholism

Physical and mental abuse

Gaslighting

Deadbedroom

Playing the victim and us the vliiain.

The final stroke was on her birthday over 2.5yrs ago:

She went to her moms and left me with looking after the kids, cooking, cleaning, diy, basically everything. Meanwhile she is sleeping with different men and getting drunk and smoking weed constantly.

I begged her to come home so we can still fix our marriage. That fell on deaf ears. It was her birthday a week later so i bought her:

A louis vuitton handbag

Rolex oyster watch

Pandora bracelet with charms of her favourite things.

I drove down to give it her. The look on her face was pure hate for me. I was devastated. I left her and drove back home.

It was my birthday a month after hers. She sent me a text saying "i hope you fucking die on your birthday and btw enjoy it as it could be the last one you have".

At the time i was at work. I burst into tears and my work colleagues were shocked anyone could write such hate to their husband.

I filed for divorce the next morning. I have been divorced for 2yrs. Still in therapy but happier than i have been in years.

InWeGoNow · 2022-10-03T01:08:15+00:00

Seems that in the current culture, women are looking for a man that will get them the status level they want. Then after you get them there, they get congratulated for being a strong independent woman and leaving you. I suppose a green light is finding someone who is already very satisfied and happy without you.

They won't try to change you before marriage, but they certainly will after. Try to find someone who has their own life and happily lets you keep your own life. That means playing video games is great and not just tolerable.

Read The Giving Tree from the prospective of a spouse and not a parent. Then watch for the signs.

xjeeperx · 2022-10-03T00:44:08+00:00

Don’t.

Character_Hippo90 · 2022-10-03T01:12:50+00:00

Agrees to a prenuptial, has her own money, shared interests and hobbies, high libido, willing to learn and personally improve, knows when to shut the hell up.

Striking-Trainer8148 · 2022-10-03T10:35:03+00:00

40m here, used to be an ambitious high earner in my 20’s until I realized working my ass off for a number in an account wasn’t worth it if I had no time to do anything and no one to do it with.

Met my wife (then 19, now 29) while traveling the globe on a 2 year vacation. She taught me several things about relationships that I wasn’t expecting.

Find someone interesting. If they’re boring you will get bored of them. You need to be genuinely curious about their thoughts on topics to be able to have conversations you will remain engaged in for years. If they have vanilla outlooks on life you will get bored. Hypothetical example here: but I’m pretty sure my wife would argue the BENEFITS of nuclear war with me when I say it’s bad. I will always be engaged with a conversation like that.
Don’t leave during or after a fight. This was something I did and she worked (and is still working) on changing about me. I used to be conflict averse and leave during a fight. You WILL fight. More than you think possible. You marriage depends on being able to have conflict and not let it ruin your relationship. To do that you must be able to fight things out. If someone doesn’t fight it out, the wound festers and can destroy a marriage. Fight it out, then spend some time together (usually having sex).
“I don’t care if there are cracks in our relationship at home, when we leave and go somewhere together we are unbroken. We present ourselves as one and you will have my back even if I’m wrong.” I think that’s the line that made me “know” I was going to marry this girl. If you find yourself or her undermining your relationship to friends in public or private , or taking actions that are genuinely hurtful or damaging to your spouse such as planting the seeds of doubt in your social circle or downloading tinder “just for fun” then your relationship will not do well.
Do something together, or build something together. Dating + living together are not enough. You need to have active things you do or work towards together. 2 major bonding points of our relationship have been (1) owning a dog together and (2) running an Airbnb business together. This creates the need for coordination and teamwork and leads to building trust between you. You cannot live 2 separate lives and expect to have an unbreakable bond. You must intertwine them and create situations where you rely on one another .

Grousers · 2022-10-03T00:57:24+00:00

Make sure she puts you ahead of, or equal to her on a consistent basis. A balance of working together. No reason to get married really.

Avoid DRAMA

akihonj · 2022-10-03T11:22:40+00:00

There a no green flags, don't fool yourself into thinking that there are any.

Listen take sound advice from guys who thought they hit the jackpot of green flags.

Just because she won't do that to you now, you have to realise women have a higher narcissistic tendency than men, they also have a higher in-group preference than men so just because she won't now doesn't mean she won't listen to the group later and believe when a friend gets divorced that she won't be better off and similarly file herself.

It's well known when a woman's friend files the likelihood that other women in the group files jumps by a large amount.

So you can be very happy for years, not a hint of anything wrong and one day Cindy files for divorce from John and your wife sees how her friend appears to be handling life and thinks she will be just as golden.

It's hardly surprising to be honest with you, big daddy government is on hand to dish out taxes and subsidiaries to women like confetti and it's actively encouraging women to get divorced.

If you really must do it then you absolutely need a prenup signed at least a year before the wedding.

Think of it as your insurance policy.

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2022-10-03T16:49:53+00:00

Some green flags for me:

She was doing just fine before she met me and she'll be doing just fine if I leave. Same on my end -- I was fine without her, she was fine without me. We're together not because we need to be, but because we want to be. And never, ever take on a "rescue" case. Sure, rescue a person, that's kind and generous. But rescuing for a relationship? Begging for some unhealthy crap.
You're genuinely impressed by each other in some way or another. You have a hobby that she thinks is amazing. She has a hobby that you think is amazing.
You both have friends and a life outside of each other. Yeah you both want some degree of merging but you recognize that you're not always going to like her friends and she's not always going to like your friends, but as long as your friends are good for you and hers good for her, and those friends aren't toxic AF then this is a good thing.
You have something you like to do together.
You have compatible conflict styles. She can keep it together when she's pissed AF and can take it when you're pissed AF. You won't agree on everything -- and you damn well better not agree on everything or it's a sign that one or both of you is caving on something -- but it's really important that both of you know how to disagree on stuff without holding it against each other. You'll fight, I guarantee it, and if you can both "fight fair" that that is the greenest of green flags.
You have compatible lifestyle preferences. This is something that's hard to test when the two of you don't have the same level of income. Right now I'm dating someone that, if we were to get married, from a financial and living space perspective she'd be getting a massive upgrade from where she's at now, and having met her family, I have my doubts as to whether or not she even closely knows somebody with my kind of financial picture. I've zero concerns about her being a "gold digger" at all but that's only one of many types of financial shocks. Could be scared to death of spending anything at all and have a freakout if I decide to, say, take the plunge and buy solar panels to kill off my power bill, or do 'smart home' upgrades or buy an awesome new sound system for my game room, and the emotional impact of such freakouts over purchases is almost as bad as getting with a gold digger.
Relationship history. If they have people they've been out with that they are still friendly with, that's a good sign -- it means they can decide someone is "not for them" without having to paint them black.
How they work with you when you put together your prenup. This should be a mandatory step before getting married. It should be filled with enough points of make-or-break contention that you should be able to see exactly the kind of person you're dealing with.

streetsmartwallaby · 2022-10-03T00:39:01+00:00

Be together at least four years before you marry and be older than twenty-five when you marry. Have long discussions and make sure you have similar ideas/priorities with regards to family, money, kids, etc. having some overlapping hobbies is good but I don’t think they should all overlap. Someone who can be by themselves but is happy to be with you. Someone who is, in general, happy and healthy. Someone who treats everyone with at least some respect. Someone who is willing to work together with you on the relationship.

I personally don’t think religion matters; some of them have strange ideas about relationships.

furiousmustache · 2022-10-03T00:35:21+00:00

Look, I can only speak from my experience on where I went wrong.

Everything changes when you're married. What matters is maintaining a healthy balance outside the relationship as well as inside of it. Communication. Respect. Sense of purpose.

If an issue starts, you handle it right away and you both make an earnest effort to fix it.

I also think that if you have kids, even if she doesn't want to, she needs to maintain a career. Mine stayed at home and resented me in the end for it even though its what she wanted.

You can still do everything right and end up here. Who knows man.

david10277 · 2022-10-03T02:27:28+00:00

Dont do it..

105rangers · 2022-10-03T04:57:50+00:00

If she is humble and not afraid of hard work then that is a start. Helps if she looks good. You have to search

EvidencePlz · 2022-10-03T06:25:44+00:00

Here are some green flags for you for choosing a future wife: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Oh wait! They are all red flags, aren't they?

Correct!

For you as a man, you need to see the entire modern system of marriage as a gigantic red flag.

There's no ifs and buts about it. Once you sign the marriage contract, it's game over for you for once and for all. The woman is now your master, you are now her indentured slave and a weak beta cuck paypig simp, and she with the help of the justice system and law enforcers will emasculate you however and whenever she likes.

Does her being Christian help? Does her parents still being together help? Does being college educated help?

Nope, nope and nope. Hell fucking nope!

dirtycochise · 2022-10-03T13:38:09+00:00

Marriage is great and I miss it. There isn’t a key to finding the right person. Date around, when you find someone you think may be the one spend as much time as possible with them for a long time before marriage. Cohabitate for a couple of years before you marry. You’re gonna fight sometimes over pretty important shit other times because she hates the way you pop your knuckles and she’s in a bad mood it just set her off. Always reconcile, if your conflict averse get over that, get a therapist to help if you need to learn those skills. Always be honest with her little white lies build and cascade and can cause massive resentment and trust issues.

In the grand scheme of life there is no guarantee you’ll find the right one. Even if you do there is no guarantee that in 20 years she’ll leave you or you her. People change and grow as they get older and you become different people and sometimes the new you doesn’t mesh with the new her.

A good view point and I mean zero disrespect to anyone but all women are crazy, all men are assholes. It’s finding the right crazy that can put up with your asshole. There are no for sure green flags it’s just you navigating her red flags her yours best of luck bud

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-10-03T19:30:05+00:00

I have two sons. I wrote down transparent advice to them about marriage in case I should shed my mortal coil too soon:

Marriage has undergone drastic changes since the early 1970s. What used to be the bedrock of Western culture with life-long commitment and unbreakable barring the most severe circumstances, has been relegislated into something entirely new thanks to the lobbying efforts of radical feminists and the divorce industry. This includes legalized abortion, no-fault divorce, domestic violence laws and the concept of marital rape. The changes themselves were not wrong. However, the principal benefactor of these changes are modern women. And modern women have a sense of entitlement that is not possible to satisfy, expecting to have it all. Magically they expect to juggle a marriage, career, parenting and social life with no hassle. When it doesn't work, the husband is the first to suffer. We live in a world where arguing with your wife is considered emotional abuse, telling her that she is spending too much is being a control freak, and wanting regular sex is misogyny. These same women cannot cook, clean or handle the kids without stressing out, but we men are expected to make it better. In trying to make divorce fail-safe for homemaker or lower-earner spouses, society has made marriage unsafe for virtually everyone else. Marriage used to be a worthy goal for a man but today, not so much.

Marriage is a good idea; it’s how we execute it today that makes it one of the worst prospects imaginable for men. Marriage today has the potential to be the most damaging decision a man can make in his life – it’s a legal extortion scheme. You’re betting a woman half your net worth that you’ll love each other forever. Marriage is handing a woman an axe, then putting your head on a chopping block in the trust that she won’t cut it off. It’s not reciprocal. The modern state of matrimony has become the legal equivalent of gambling. Getting married is like betting half your stuff she won’t cheat on you. No matter what she contributed, or did not contribute to the marriage, half of your stuff is hers. If you are not married, she has no claim on your assets, nor you on hers. That fact alone makes rejecting marriage the smartest financial move a man can make, and lets you avoid career slavery. Marriage used to be a business and social partnership for the accumulation and conservation of wealth and the raising of children. Now marriage is the new retirement pension for modern women, rewarding them for breaking a contract. A woman that won’t take your name in a marriage will gladly take your house in a divorce. You can get the same effect of marriage by selling your house, giving all your money away and have someone castrate you. There is no incentive for men to get married. Society has stacked the deck against men in modern marriage. You are allowing the state to decide what happens to your wealth, your freedom, and your access to your children if a marriage doesn’t work out. Statistically marriage has become the worst decision a man can make in his life at present, yet so many men want to believe they won’t be one of those statistics.

By all measures, contemporary marriage is essentially what’s known as an unconscionable contract. Women are taking advantage of men in every way possible, and the government is enforcing this unscrupulous behavior. To sum the current circumstance: women have choices, men have responsibilities. Marriage only benefits women. Men accept all of the risk. Marriage amounts to a no-win struggle of mutually assured disappointment. In this era there are no appreciable advantages for men to marry even the most ideal of women. You can’t name one thing you get from marriage that you can’t get outside of marriage.

When a woman refuses to take on your last name in marriage, or she insists on hyphenating it, just know this is the same intent as a man insisting on a pre-nup. She has no real desire for you and is planning ahead for the eventual split. She does it to insure herself against what her hindbrain believes is a bad bet for her future. Same principle as a prenup.

Realize that getting married ‘for the tax break’ is bullshit. Divorce – including spousal and child support -- is way more expensive than whatever tax benefit you receive. Tax breaks are an artificial construct designed to incentivize behavior that benefits other people (government, women, society as a whole) but has no benefit to the person being offered them (you). It’s not a nice freebie because they are kind or you are awesome; it’s bait on the hook. It’s a shitty short term treat to trick you into acting against your long-term interests.

If marriage life is so bad, then why do people get married and stay married? It’s like boiling a frog. If you throw a frog into a boiling pot of water, the frog will immediately hop out because it knows it’s in trouble. However, if you put the frog in a cool pot of water and raise the temperature over time the frog doesn’t see what’s happening until it’s too late. Once married, the power dynamic erodes slowly over time as the water boils from you making concession after concession. You are a product of your 1000 concessions and it’s a tough place to be. Most of your married male friends and relatives lack the self-awareness of their situation because of their social conditioning. Those few that do have the awareness will not have the courage to tell you not to marry because they are either too embarrassed to admit their mistake, or they're afraid their wives will find out what they said and make their lives more miserable than they already are.

Marriage is not a rite of passage into manhood. Only get married because you want to get married. Ask yourself, what are the practical advantages? What would you gain? Would your troubles disappear? Getting married because she wants to is a recipe for disaster. If you make the decision to marry, at least you do so with your eyes wide open -- unlike the majority of men. If you are going to have a successful long-term relationship, you have to accept the nature of women, and you have to work within those parameters.

I hope you found that helpful.

Sea-Mission-6316 · 2022-10-03T01:38:42+00:00

My advice is to stay single. Live together if you must but don't sign a legal marriage document. Also, check the laws in your state of residence. Some states have common law marriage where you are considered legally married after a period of time. That will give her the legal means to take at least half of everything you worked for and saved. And she will, if you divorce. Over half of all marriages end in divorce and almost 80% of the time the wife is the one who files. It's even worse if the wife has at least a bachelor's degree.

I'm older and know of very few long term marriages or relationships in which the participants appear happy to be together. One of the marriages I thought was good and would make it to the end recently ended in divorce. The guy had his children pretty much abandon him even though he was a good dad. He had to give up a large sum of money and the house to keep his retirement safe so he can maybe, possibly someday retire. He went from living in a paid off home with some nice toys to a small apartment within a matter of a few months. He told me that he knows he will now never be able to have a home of his own due to his age and finances. He would likely be dead before he paid off a new mortgage.

If you are successful and earn a good living, enjoy your life. Stack cash and retire when young enough to enjoy it. Travel and date women from around the world. You might have a chance at a decent marriage if you move overseas and STAY in her home country. I've seen some of those marriages stay decent over time. Since she isn't in the USA, she doesn't have the same opportunity to take the husband to the cleaners in a divorce. Don't bring her to America to live. The ones who did that saw the marriage end after a few years. However, the only way to completely guarantee not getting raked over the coals in a divorce is to not get married in the first place.

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-10-03T11:44:36+00:00

There is no reason to get married on paper. The only thing it does is make you financially responsible for someone else for life. People can change a lot so that awesome girl you married can turn into a nightmare psycho in 5 years and then you’re screwed.

yeldellmedia · 2022-10-03T14:50:41+00:00

Tangent….Im agnostic/atheist and my ex was also… as soon as i filed for divorce she “weaponized” christianity by forcefully” baptizing the children and “converted” to being a born again christian out of spite…..and literally made my life hell….literally cant make this stuff up

daedalis2020 · 2022-10-03T15:37:06+00:00

I remarried after a 14 year marriage to a significantly younger partner (16 years). It is a bit of a crapshoot, but wife 2 and I have been together for 5 years including dating and everything is going great.

I prioritized shared interests over looks. We have many hobbies and interests in common, more than I thought possible tbh.
Our goals align, we both prioritize comfort and exploring the world. This means compatibility in our spending habits and approach to work/life balance.
On her side, she had a lot of immature, selfish men before me, she loves the stability and caring I bring to the relationship.
On my side, she has a love language of acts of service, similar to mine, so we are always doing nice things for each other.
Religion-wise we are both agnostic so no issues there.
Politics-wise we hold similar values.
We have similar sex drives and are very compatible physically. She loves physical touch and I'm a hornball.
She is highly communicative, no stonewalling, no gas lighting, when something bothers one of us we bring it up and deal with it expediently.

Will we last? I hope so. My first marriage I settled for what I thought was "enough compatibility" and she was really hot. After a few years the luster wore off and marriage became a chore.

With my new relationship I have found a companion, it's worlds different.

Altruistic_Loan_7693 · 2022-10-03T04:36:57+00:00

I often wonder what I will tell my son when he eventually ask this question. Things did not turn out well with his mother and I. But it was not always bad. The first 10 yrs were great. I don't want my jaded opinion of marriage to prevent him from experiencing that joy. Plus my parents been married for 47 yrs. So some figure out the secret sauce. There are 3 things you should look for not all are equal.

1) Forget your riches and high earning power. You want someone that is willing to be in the fight with you. If you start with showering her with your riches. She will stay for that. You will always question if it all was taken away will she be there.

When my ex and I got married. She was worth way more than me. I had a mechanical engineering degree and a prayer. Her family had me sign a prenuptial. I didn't care I didn't want shit from them. Her dad still disowned her and wrote her out of his will. But my wife had my back. Where I was the calculator. She was the negotiator. Where I lacked she made up for and vice versa. We built a fortune together. Her father eventually came around when our son was born. But fuck him. When we divorced I happily gave her half, she earned it.

2) You both need to be sexually compatible. When the intimacy dies it is difficult to resurrect the goodness of the marriage. That is where my wife and I messed up. We were never really compatible. But the first half of our marriage we acted like newly weds. We spent 7 years enjoying each other. Once we had a child. It ended. So many cracks in our relationship opened up.

3) This is not high on the list. But it is necessary for a happy house. You need decent in-laws. My family embraced my wife. There were times I thought they liked her more than me. My mom still has a relationship with her. Outside of her sister and eventually her mother her family kept me at arms length. I think they were always worried about me learning what they got. You don't want to feel unwanted.

47omek · 2022-10-03T04:15:40+00:00

It's interesting that you characterize the men here as "jaded, hurt, resentful", attaching so much emotion. In my case and I'd venture the case of many others here that it's not an emotional stance at all, it's simply a logical response to our lived experiences to refuse to marry again. If you get burned when you touch the hot pan, it's not "jaded" or "resentful" to not want to touch the pan again.

pk2at · 2022-10-03T00:47:13+00:00

Marry and legally separate a month after marriage, continue to co-habit as a couple without mingling property. Don't waste time on pre-nups or post-nups. When you want kids, the advice is simple as soon as she is pregnant, ask her to sign a parenting plan giving you all the rights, else tell her kids will grow up with single mom. We are not jaded, just aware of the system and we understand that you should ask the woman to sign away all her 'rights' and demolish community property as soon you get married

timascus · 2022-10-03T01:12:07+00:00

Are you sure it’s 12% and not 11 or 13?

One-Donkey-9418 · 2022-10-03T12:37:59+00:00

Honestly, stay single. Play the field, don't get caught up in that shit. Anyone can cheat and if the timing is right and the opportunity presents itself its a done deal. Make money, look good, fuck em all. Do not commit, do not cohabitate. Remember opportunity and timing can dash any fantasy you have of being with the right person forever.

orifice_porpoise · 2022-10-03T02:24:11+00:00

What other choices would you make that there’s a 50% chance that you could lose half of what you have? Marriage is high risk and little gain. Try BASE jumping if you need risk/thrill in your life.

hittincervix · 2022-10-03T04:26:57+00:00

Why would you want to ruin that by getting married?

lordgoofus1 · 2022-10-03T06:21:36+00:00

Personally my advise would be don't get married. Don't let yourself get into a marriage like (aka: defacto) relationship. Ever. The risks are far too great, and a wrong decision can pretty much destroy your dreams for early retirement or financial stability.

If you want fair and balanced feedback this is definitely the wrong sub. Lots and lots of men on here that have had their lives destroyed by marriage so you're going to get a heavily biased response.

MightBusiness7231 · 2022-10-03T07:43:28+00:00

Look at her parents’ relationship because she’ll model that. How does she and her Mom treat her Dad because she’ll model that as how she treats you. Being faithful couldn’t hurt. Women will rationalize anything they do and having a higher power at work might actually make the vows stick. If you find the one, get pre marital counseling. How would you deal with illness? Money? Etc. how would you deal with a decline in the frequency or quality of sex and intimacy? How would you deal if either of you gained weight?

upvotersfortruth · 2022-10-03T08:37:59+00:00

It's much more about compatibility than green or red flags for just her side. Marriage is 95% administration and 5% other stuff. Being able to work together is key. Sexual compatibility is huge. Communication - critical.

Long-Review-1861 · 2022-10-03T14:11:05+00:00

Just be aware of female nature and innate selfishness so nothing they do surprises you

Long-Review-1861 · 2022-10-03T14:14:42+00:00

Marriage in America makes no sense for a man. It's a lot more fair in other jurisdictions

Rjs617 · 2022-10-03T14:50:46+00:00

I’d start with someone who has a good relationship with their family, and their family is one you would feel comfortable in. I married a woman who wasn’t close with her parents and blamed them. Surprise: It was her. Also, choose someone who has a career. I used to think it didn’t matter, but it shows that they have their act together, and if you do get divorced, it will mean that you won’t have massive support payments.

jkw118 · 2022-10-03T15:26:51+00:00

So a few things:

figure out if you want kids, If so think about how she'd handle them. (I've had a few gf's who should have never been mothers)
make sure their mentally stable, It's a fn mess of how many people aren't or major issues they hide and lie about.
A major part of a marriage is the commitment, I stuck with my marriage till she left. Then stuck with it for another 6 months.. Through tons of things with friends/family and others telling me I should have left her years before hand as she treated me like crap. Truthfully I think she stopped trying after the first 4 years, and considered me as someone she could use.
Ya need someone you know and can compromise with. And will listen to you, and follow through with working together.
Everyone has issues, no one is perfect.. It's a matter of finding someone who you can deal with you, and you can deal with them.

JD-Anderson · 2022-10-03T16:53:47+00:00

First of all I’m not jaded because my so far away from my divorce by now I realize that it was one of the best things to happen to me. Her parents were AND still are together, there were a ton of red flags I ignored. But here’s what my take is on this issue.

The best thing you could do right now is invest in a vasectomy. I have seen more “happy marriages” where the husband never saw it coming. I’m anti marriage not because of my experience, because I know the red flags I overlooked on my ex, it’s the experiences of the other men I’ve seen. They have been horribly screwed over. And your children will be used as pawns. Date all you want, but I’d rather sleep in a house that’s empty than next to a woman that can’t stand me. I’ve done both, and trust me, it’s much nicer to sleep in a bed alone.

InAJam_SoS · 2022-10-03T18:32:39+00:00

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, after 15 years almost half of all marriages have ended, most through divorce. Fewer than 5 percent of all marriages last 50 years.

There are no green flags. Even if you think you see green flags, the current attitudes toward men coupled with the financial incentive for women to seek divorce will easily turn any green flag to red.

Until there are safeguards in our family court system that hold perjurers accountable for their actions with real consequences, do away with a winner take all system propagated by family court attorneys that profit off of conflict, and move to a Scandinavian family court model it will never be safe for a male in the United States to marry a woman.

warrior_up · 2022-10-03T20:22:18+00:00

We all had the one we thought was iron clad, entering into a contract where the other party is rewarded for breaking it, tempts and persuades even the strongest women. Successful marriage all depends on the man and his constant ability to provide a life style beyond what she’s “seeing her friends live online” any misfortune, bad luck, job loss or Heath issues only magnifies her need to pull the divorce lever. Women are only good to men “long term” if the man is physically appealing and financially secure at all times - good things for us men to work towards but not something most are willing to do to keep a women happy or else lose half. Even then, the slightest mistake, weight gain, bad mood mixed with pregnancy and post partum hormones/depression, growing cluster B personality disorders and constant admiration and attention online can be like slaying a dragon 24/7. You’re never safe

I hate dating multiple women, don’t like one night stands over a long period of time - I actually enjoy having just one girl around for as long as she is good to me. Some traits I’d look at as green 1.) relationship with dad, 2.) online/social media presence and usage needs to be at a minimum 3.) past notch count - more sexual partners higher the chances of divorce get. 4.) for long term relationships and marriage the happiest guys I find are with women below their own sexual market value, so stay away from the 9s 10s maybe even 8s - find a high 6 or 7 with a tight body and one that’s not consumed with her looks or has been told how hot she is her whole life. 5.) her mom, and other women in her family maintain the household chores, cooking cleaning, and attending to their men. 6) dad should be masculine 7.) is calm and cool under pressure and communicates like an adult - I.e can express her feelings and doesn’t flip the fuck out in traffic or in public waiting for a table or long line etc. 8.) worries about others more than herself - lot of these women today can’t see past their own needs Even their own kids come 2nd 9,) no psych issues or meds 10.) active healthy 11.) has anything fake on her other than tits - even tits are borderline though

Obviously avoid all single moms, women still single in their 30s - have fun with them as needed but never anything more

Gunslinger1925 · 2022-10-04T13:29:33+00:00

I can only go for what I look for. How does she carry herself? Does she have actual confidence or she putting on a show? It’s easy to see. What is her education? I’m attracted to intelligence, especially in the fields of science. Does she have interest in that or even a degree in that field? There’s a joke to ask during sites dating, “Tesla or Edison.” If she asks who, that’s a hard pass.

How many tattoos does she have? A few is ok, but if she’s inked out, she’s probably not going to fit into my LTR prospects. What about her appearance? Does she dress frumpy with zero care in the world? How about her hygiene? Does she smell? Bad teeth? Does she smoke? Those are huge turnoffs for me. Especially odor with my sensitive olfactory senses.

How does she treat others? There’s a difference between telling someone to sod off that needs to be told to sod off and acting like someone is beneath you. If she’s acting the latter, that’s a red flag for me. Especially listening to her regular conversations with peers. If she’s laughing about nailing her ex husband in a divorce, I’m laughing at the next simp who gets suckered into her clutches.

What are her interests? Do we have similar interests that we can talk about? Not saying we have to like the same things, but it helps for conversation and spending time together. I fully expect she’ll like her own shows that she’ll watch as there are shows that I like. But if we can find similar interests, we can watch some shows together. Will she support your interests/hobbies?

I do t expect her to like them, be great if she does, but she can at least support them. Props if she encourages them.

How many kids does she have? I’d be apprehensive with one or two - it’d depend on their ages and situation. Eg, same dad, divorce, widow? If she’s got more kids than a goat herder in the spring, that’s a hell no from me.

Does she have an OnlyFans? TikTok? Social media? Definitely a no on an OF account.

Lastly, body count. This is a hard one as they’ll lie. Under 10, I’ll be ok. Over 10… no.

I know this is searching for a unicorn, and women will shrill about being weak and what not. I don’t care. I have my morals on how I choose to live my life and who I want to share that life with. A woman should complement you.

Title	What are some green flags for picking a future wife?
Author	throwaway37738383846
Upvotes	21
Comments	123
Date	October 2, 2022 11:05 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/xu2ofg/what_are_some_green_flags_for_picking_a_future/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-are-some-green-flags-for-picking-a-future.1133043 https://theredarchive.com/post/1133043

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