Edit: While I am pleased at how positively this has been received by our audience, I am disappointed but not surprised by the spike in harassment I have received as a result of this post, primarily from men and AMAB members of the LGBT community. Just one example. This is not okay.

I was inspired to write this because of this post.

One of the biggest lies that our haters like to spread about FDS is that we are "heteronormative"

I see this type of "critique" all. the. time.

Predictably, most of the people pushing this narrative are male, often incels/wokecels/"male feminists" as well as the occasional virtue-signaling libfem pickme.

This post isn't for those people. They are committed to misunderstanding us. Nothing I can say will convince them otherwise. They're just saying whatever they think needs to be said to get FDS banned.

I am writing this post because I see it as an educational opportunity for our own audience and others interested in FDS. I will mostly be focusing on heteronormativity in relation to how it harms women, since that is the primary focus of FDS. I will also be talking a little bit about my own personal experiences as a bisexual woman.

First, definitions:

Heteronormativity is the worldview that being straight is the only normal or preferred sexual orientation. Heteronormativity is harmful because not everyone is straight, which causes LGBT people to feel shame and deny their true selves and stay in the closet for their own safety. It is related to compulsory heterosexuality which is the enforcement of heterosexuality by a patriarchal society.

Heteronormativity is harmful to women. A lot of WLW (women who love women) are late bloomers because of it, and often waste years of their lives on relationships with men that make them miserable. Under patriarchy, WLW are either not permitted to exist at all, or are dehumanized, sexually objectified, and portrayed only in relation to serving men's sexual interests. Some examples of this include 1) "lesbian" porn that is unrealistic, fetishizes WLW, and created by men and for men, 2) straight men who think "bisexual woman" = down to have threesomes in which the man's pleasure is centered, and the two women exist in relation to him, 3) the corrective rape of lesbians, which happens both IRL ("hurr durr lesbians just haven't had good dick yet") and is portrayed as something "sexy" in porn even though it is literally violence against women.

Purely from the standpoint of maximizing female benefit, heterosexuality is suboptimal for female happiness. Anyone who has spent more than 15 minutes on Female Dating Strategy knows that heterosexuality is most certainly NOT the preferred sexual orientation for women. Even though plenty of women here wish they weren't heterosexual, the reality is that sexual orientation is not a choice. If you are a woman who is able to be sexually attracted to women, that's awesome! We celebrate that.

Before I go further I just want to acknowledge that being gay is no cake walk either. Homosexuality is still illegal in a lot of countries, and even in countries where it is legal, LGBT people still suffer from prejudice, discrimination, harassment, and violence. This is why some WLW are turned off by phrases like "lesbians are so lucky because they don't have to date men" which comes across as insensitive, because being a lesbian in a comphet/patriarchal world isn't easy either.

That being said, being a straight or bisexual woman in a patriarchal world also isn't easy. Men as a class oppress women as a class. It is disappointing at best, and dangerous at worst, to be sexually and/or romantically attracted to your oppressors. Being a straight woman is like being a gazelle that is sexually attracted to lions. In a patriarchal world, women's sexual pleasure is either not a priority, considered shameful and disgusting, or is framed only in relation to how women can serve men's sexual interests.

This is why most of our conversations on FDS discuss male/female relationships, because of the rampant misogyny, exploitation, and abuse that women experience at the hands of men. I don't understand how some people can read our stories about all the ways in which women suffer at the hands of men and come to the conclusion that we are enforcing heterosexuality. Like... we say over and over how male heterosexuality is so often focused on abusing and degrading women and why that's a bad thing. FDS isn't "pro heterosexuality" by a long shot, but we do focus mostly on heterosexual relationships because of the overwhelming risks that straight women experience as they navigate relationships with their oppressors.

Same-sex relationships simply do not come with the same predator/prey dynamic that is present in heterosexual relationships (one of the main reasons I exclusively date other women). When a woman is dating a man, it is impossible to escape the gendered power dynamics. Another thing worth considering is that accidental/unwanted pregnancy is impossible in same-sex relationships. Women who are having sex with other women don't have to worry about reproductive coercion and being forcibly impregnated against her will. If a gay or lesbian couple wants a baby, there's a lot more work involved, it doesn't happen by accident, and it has to be done collaboratively.

Also, if we're being totally realistic, there are just numerically speaking more straight women than WLW. It's hard to even find someone to date when you're WLW because there are far fewer WLW than straight people, which is why a lot of bisexual women do end up in relationships with men, and that's okay.

As for my own personal experience, I have to admit that before FDS I was waaaay in the closet. Ever since I was a little girl I felt so much shame about liking other girls, I just completely buried those feelings. It wasn't until I found FDS that I finally felt safe enough to confront my internalized misogyny and internalized homophobia, which had previously been a barrier to self acceptance. In fact it was another FDS user who first introduced me to the concept of internalized homophobia. Just to give you an idea what my upbringing was like, when I finally bucked up the courage to tell my narc mom I'm bisexual and that I was actively dating women, she said "no you're not. You've always liked boys" and went on to explain why women are "too difficult and crazy" and that I needed to marry a man so that I could give her grandkids to play with. I have since gone No Contact with her. [Surprised Pikachu face]

FDS has been instrumental in my journey towards radical self love, recognizing and healing from narcissistic abuse, and deprogramming from patriarchal brainwashing and compulsory heterosexuality. This is a space devoid of male influence where women are safe to speak freely about our experiences, without having to worry about male tone policing, male gaslighting, and blowups caused by male fragility (all that shit is relegated to our stalker subs instead, lol). Plenty of lesbian/bi/ace women participate here because FDS is the ONE corner of the internet free from the extreme misogyny that you see elsewhere on reddit.

It makes my blood boil that there are people who want to shut down FDS in the name of "fighting homophobia". It's so disingenuous, and so obvious they don't actually care about LGBT people, they just want to hurt women. In fact I'm pretty sure the lefty misogynists are gonna freak out about this post because "wHaT aBoUt tHe MeNz!!!" AKA it's a non-porn discussion of WLW that doesn't revolve around serving their dicks.

I'm really curious to know if any other women have had similar experiences. It makes my heart swell with pride when I see women sharing their level up stories here. That's what keeps me going as a moderator here.

P.S. I just want to share this funny standup routine which I feel is relevant to this topic but I couldn't really fit in my actual post due to the seriousness of the subject matter.