Do I tell the kids even though my wife is forbidding it?

Sweet-Sale-7303 · 2023-10-11T12:08:59+00:00

How old are the kids?

travismiller90 · 2023-10-11T12:31:25+00:00

I'd tell them! Her actions have consequences and she needs to be accountable.

Daddy_data_nerd · 2023-10-11T12:32:07+00:00

So, she wants to preserve her relationship with the kids at the expense of yours.?

She expects you to light yourself on fire to keep her warm.

Nah. My relationship with my kids is the most important thing to me. I have no fucks to give about my ex-wife and her status. I really don't. My daughter doesn't speak with my ex any more and my boys are on the same track.

Look at it like this: you two are no longer a team. It's you against her and she's doing everything she can to preserve herself. AT YOUR EXPENSE.

I would sit down with your kids and go over what happened. I would also show them any proof, age appropriate of course.

I would assume that she has fed them a line of bs about how awful you are to save herself from shame.

Good luck.

Classic_Dill · 2023-10-11T13:19:58+00:00

Your wife....is forbidding it....HAHAHAHAHA!

My man WTF!? you're divorcing and you're still letting her call the shots? Hey! your not together anymore, you do what YOU feel is right, sounds like its another grooming wife? My ex wife cheated and i told the kids, your wife shitz all over you and then wants to save her dignity with the kids? be humble, be gentle, tell them "mom made friends with someone she shouldn't have and it hurt you really bad, bad enough you cant live with her anymore" that's how you go about it, if they are teenagers or in there 20's? just say "mom stepped out on me" that's it, no more needed. Your wife wants the shadow of the breakup to fall on you equally, dont do that, the kids deserve to know what some decisions buy you in life. And dont speak poorly of her to them EVER, its a lose/lose.

Regular-Bat-4449 · 2023-10-11T12:22:19+00:00

In the meantime, she's telling them you're the bad guy for divorcing. Your children are pretty much old enough to be told the truth. You owe her nothing. She destroyed your family.

Lances-a-lot · 2023-10-11T12:56:02+00:00

Tell them and stand up for yourself. Don’t be a doormat.

dog_fart_tacos · 2023-10-11T12:21:19+00:00

You can always present it as 1) just the facts of what happened 2) couched in the context that sometimes people make difficult decisions to find what is right for them and a hope that she finds what she is looking for. The second part is to prevent any semblance that you are trying to harm their relationship with their mother. The first part is because they are smart enough to figure it out.

My separation agreement contains the language: They will not belittle, berate, scorn, ridicule, or condemn the other in the presence of the child, nor allow any other third party to do so, and each will actively attempt to generate a feeling of good will between the other parent and the child.

lifeisallihave · 2023-10-11T12:40:38+00:00

Kids are old enough! Tell them mom has had a different lover for a couple of years and you kept it to yourself because they were too young and you wanted to protect them. Don't be the fall guy. Why should you be the one they will refuse to see after this mess is over? Let them know and as they become adults they will come to understand how hard things were for you.

HugsNotDrugs_ · 2023-10-11T15:04:22+00:00

I think you sit down with your kids and explain divorce. That two people fall out of love. That it was a mutual decision to separate. That the kids still have the same parents, just living apart.

You don't need to explain it further and I would recommend you don't. Kids only have two parents in this world so tread carefully when harming that relationship. If you die tomorrow of a heart attack they will need their mother more than anything.

Reddit is shit for advice sometimes.

Take care dude. I hope it all goes well.

PokerFriend247 · 2023-10-11T17:16:57+00:00

They probably know already.

Real eyes recognise real lies.

Long-Review-1861 · 2023-10-11T17:40:47+00:00

Definitely tell them

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2023-10-11T17:52:13+00:00

Initially, I was going to say no but then I read the age of your children.

Short Answer: They should know in as nice of a way as possible.

Long Answer: Tell them that their mother betrayed your trust, had an affair, and trust is the foundation of any relationship. So, you decided that it was best to separate. It's important for them to know that you still love them, it's not their fault, and you are still a family. Teenager are very self-oriented so assure them that this in no way impacts your relationship with them.

Also, as far as her family is concerned, I wouldn't bring it up unless someone from her family asks directly. At that time, answer directly that the bitch fucked around and found out.

Good luck.

Aggravating-Ad-5793 · 2023-10-12T10:51:04+00:00

It sounds like you have a simple choice.

Tell the truth -or-
Lie to your children solely to benefit your ex,. while she spins a narrative that makes people believe that you are the bad guy.

j8by7 · 2023-10-11T13:14:00+00:00

She lost privileges to forbid you to do anything. Do what you think is right.

DeadBedroomRealTalk · 2023-10-11T12:13:55+00:00

She’s just trying to protect her reputation. It’s your word versus hers now, they’re grown enough to know why.

I’d tell them.

Lumpy-Prior3261 · 2023-10-11T13:37:21+00:00

You better tell them if you don't she will tell them something completely different my ex wife told my 7 years old daughter I was the cheating one and she had found drugs on my pants pocket plus I had a baby with some woman . Well my daughter was a daddies girl she wanted to be at my house every weekend. Ok and she was . Now my daughter is 34 years old and an Oncologist.lasy year she called me wanting to meet her brother I was like . WTF are you talking about.well come to find out ex lied to her 2 yrs after I caught her and divorced her . 29 yrs ago well my daughter now knows the truth. That her stepdad is her old AP . Now my daughter told her mom to go off and never talk to her again for ruining her relationship with her dad ( me ) . So yes tell your children the truth.

You wife forbids you come on really well I would tell Geri forbid you 4 fking tears ago from sleeping with another man. But you didn't so fk off .

Life is a sh-t sandwich you eat it or starve. Don't eat it alone feed your other half to your ex forbidding her to spit it out .

EDITORDIE · 2023-10-11T15:16:15+00:00

Is it dependent on the kids age? Some things they simply don’t need to hear at a young age, even if it’s true. Time will reveal all. Walk the high road.

Reflog1791 · 2023-10-11T17:51:43+00:00

“Your mom has been seeing someone else so I filed for divorce.”

Zapped2311 · 2023-10-11T17:52:56+00:00

We're not the ones being cheated on, so we're all like FUCK YEAH, TELL THE KIDS AND SHE CAN GO *FUCK HERSELF

But I'm going to suggest couching whatever language you use, just out of care for the kids' feelings/mindstate... don't know how old they are, but parents divorcing is a big fuckin thing, and it's going to affect the kids. Maybe a lot, maybe a little, who knows?

"Mom and I are no longer in love and don't trust each other, and that's not the way to do marrige." Something like that.

I'm just saying, be flat out and vent the reasons with those who are supporting you- friends, fam, therapist- but don't force your kids to have to grapple with the situation even more, just because your STBX is a whoring family smashing cunt of the lowest order. Spare the kids that depth of hatred and vitriol that we all know you feel.

mehmench · 2023-10-11T20:19:49+00:00

They are old enough to know the truth and it’ll come out anyway.

‘I filed for divorce because I couldn’t stay in a relationship that wasn’t monogamous.’

I statement, it’s about you. That’s as simple as it gets.

Flesh_Pillow5 · 2023-10-11T20:23:03+00:00

Tell them!!!!! Dude don’t you respect your kids or have you allowed yourself to so taken advantage of by your wife? Or do you value your wife’s image over your kids? You must really be in love then right smh

Weary_Landscape_7098 · 2023-10-11T20:33:57+00:00

I was expecting your kids to be 4 or 5, not in their mid-late teens. Personally I'd think they are old enough to know the truth, especially the one who is 19.

You don't have to go into super explicit details, but saying something about how you filed for divorce because their mom cheated on you is likely ok.

She doesn't want you to say anything about it because she wants YOU to look bad, and she doesn't want to be held accountable for her actions because it will "make her look bad" if the kids know she cheated on you.

iSurvivedltd · 2023-10-11T20:38:23+00:00

Ab. So. Fucking. Lutely, you tell them.

Don't think for once instance, if the tables were turned she wouldn't tell everyone on gods green earth how you cheated on her and how she gave you the world and how she cooked all your meals, washed your clothes, how much she loved you, was the best wife to you, supported your business/career blah blah blah.

You better tell them and teach them about loyalty. You tell them what cheating does and how it affects not only the family but the person who got cheated on.

Don't hold back bro......if you cheated on her........she wouldn't......

Professional-Cost968 · 2023-10-12T01:37:52+00:00

Technically any divorce decree is going to have disparaging remarks section of it. A section that says you shall not disparage the other parent. You should be careful about telling the kids items during the divorce that would disparage the other parent. This could be looked in by the court unfavorably. It is there to protect the children.

I think you can be honest with your kids if they ask the questions. This honesty should include phrases to not disparage your co parent. For instance, take ownership for your part of the divorce. "I wasn't there for your mother in ways that she needed" or "mommy needed an emotional connection that I couldn't provide." I am trying to give you examples of ways that you can take responsibility for your part in the marriage without disparaging the other parent and being honest. The above you may feel is not applicable to your situation. I will tell you no divorce is one partners fault even with an affair. Take ownership with your kids for your part of it. I think most kids are smart and will figure it out. I think the biggest thing you can do to show that you aren't the one that stepped out of the marriage is to not act or feel guilty about it. Hold your head high and explain to the kids that staying together would not be possible because you and their mother no longer have that relationship.

Always make sure the kids know it is not their fault. If you could say one thing over and over again to them it would that. Kids will always blame themselves even if you do this.

rhett342 · 2023-10-11T18:41:59+00:00

Tell them. Why protect the woman who is tearing your family apart?

Sweet-Sale-7303 · 2023-10-11T12:13:01+00:00

Fudge it. Tell them why should you take the fall for her. If they were young I would say no but at those ages they deserve to know why.

IRatherBeS1eeping · 2023-10-11T13:26:30+00:00

You should tell them. It’s better coming from you then anyone else.

johnnygluebag · 2023-10-11T14:08:17+00:00

They're your kids too. You can tell them anything you want. Don't let her set the rules.

Her disrespectful actions and you filing for divorce means she no longer has the luxury of "forbidding" you from anything.

silmarp · 2023-10-11T16:37:31+00:00

She has no right to forbid you from anything. You can shit on her face everywhere she has no right to anything.

I GUARANTEEE YOU she wouldn't have followed you on "don't tell the kids" if you were at fault. And I guarantee you she will create a narrative where she is the victim. If not she would already have told the kids to chill out.

I you don't tell them then prepare to suffer the consequences of your own silence, it's gonna hurt you more than an affair, in fact you might even lose your job, family and clients. That is because she has a very grave sin. The fact that you are giving her the chance to rewrite the history means she need a lie as big as an affair of 4 years in order to save her ass from people's scrutiny. That means she will create a history about you being an abuser for the last 6 years or more. Be prepared for her to call the police against you too If you don't tell people the truth then the she will plant her lies and you will have only yourself to blame.

Come on man. Wake up. Don't be a fool. Tell everyone the story, you owe her nothing and you are setting yourself to misery by not doing so.

UGLVARPG · 2023-10-11T12:40:16+00:00

Tell the kids. Their long term outcome will probably be better getting an earlier understanding of the forces shaping their lives. The professionals are so left leaning they will tell you not to but that’s really because of your gender. Life is short. Before you know it, they will be grown and growing up hating you they will spend holidays with your x and you will just be alone and sad unless you set the record straight

techrmd3 · 2023-10-11T14:21:27+00:00

tell them that mommy found a new boyfriend and wants to have kids with new boyfriend

I know the psych professionals clutch pearls at the mere suggestion of mommy being the bad guy and maybe not very ethical during a divorce.

But ya know these things WILL come out. The kids WILL see her with a new man who "just happened to show up!" right when daddy wanted divorce. strange coincidence right?

Ignore what wifey stbexw wants. Tell your kids what you want to tell them. Usually letting them know that mommy getting with new man means new kids and mommy not loving them as much as before IS something that gets the little tikes attention.

Difficult for sexy mommy to hide a baby bump and what that means for her "past children"

Sometimes it's good to have the ex missus squirm in the threads of her own betrayal.

potatotornado44 · 2023-10-11T14:38:17+00:00

Absolutely tell them. Make her own what she did.

relationshiptossoutt · 2023-10-11T15:38:53+00:00

This is honestly the wrong sub to ask.

Your kids are old enough to handle the truth but honestly, the truth coming from you isn’t the best course in my opinion. It will look petty and small, and she’ll likely retaliate in some way.

I’d not tell the kids. I would tell trusted friends and family and not make it a closely guarded secret. Let the word travel organically, and confirm it if they approach you with it.

Rule number one in divorce is to not badmouth the other parent. Doing that will not have the impact you think. It’s more likely to damage your relationship with them than hers. Imagine telling someone “your mom is a dirty whore” and them thanking you for the information. Not a chance. They will defend their mother or take that news in unpredictable ways.

The kids are going through enough in my opinion. Why make this time even harder? Just so you don’t look like the “bad guy”?

captainchippsixx · 2023-10-11T13:43:17+00:00

How old are they? If in there teens I would. I might be ambiguous, she didn’t something you never do when your married. I would give no shits about her opinion. I would tell my parents and her parents today.

jkw118 · 2023-10-11T14:34:02+00:00

So the thing here is if you were cheating your wife wouldn't give you the same decency.

Also in court/custody etc if you bad mouth your ex/ give the kids specific reasons to alienate them from her. They can use that against you, and a woman will more easily get away with it then a man would. --court sexism

So what do you do, You leave it as vague as possible but give them an inkling. My kids know why me and their mom split, they didn't need me to say a thing.

"Kids I love you, I can't go into the details as to what exactly happened, and continues to happen. Their are reasons your mother disappears, and their are reasons I can't continue in a marriage where my wife disappears. She has a life she wants to have and I'm letting her have it."

Backyardbaby67 · 2023-10-11T15:00:04+00:00

…If you don’t, they’ll figure it out soon enough based on the amount of lying your ex will do to cover her tracks

…Mine did …Now they use words like “-hore” when they get into an argument with her

…Cheaters always tell on themselves …Count on it

whiskey_piker · 2023-10-11T15:14:32+00:00

Avoid unless no other option.

When you make your spouse look bad - even when they’ve earned it - your children internalize those feelings about themselves.

sirjohnathan87 · 2023-10-11T15:51:25+00:00

Tell them. Not doing so is her way of manipulating the situation and painting you as the bad guy to your kids. She knows that's what she's doing and framing it as "protecting" the kids. No bueno.

chicken_po_boy · 2023-10-11T18:53:51+00:00

Just say: “We are getting divorced because your mom fell in love with someone else. I cannot stay married to someone who is in love with someone else. Your mom and I still love you kids the same and we always will. That is is much as I can tell you about why it has come to this.”

tragicaddiction · 2023-10-11T19:51:57+00:00

you dont ever tell your kids about parents sex life.

they don't want to know, they don't need to know.

Knave7575 · 2023-10-11T22:41:55+00:00

If your ex forbids you to do something, that should be a reasonable incentive to do it.

CaptainObvious1313 · 2023-10-11T22:48:19+00:00

So she cheats and ruins the marriage, then has the unmitigated gall to tell you how to talk to your kids and be blamed for it? She’s clearly trying to control the narrative. I would tell them, they are old enough.

CaptainObvious1313 · 2023-10-11T22:49:07+00:00

So she cheats and ruins the marriage, then has the unmitigated gall to tell you how to talk to your kids and be blamed for it? She’s clearly trying to control the narrative. I would tell them, they are old enough.

1ApostolicMan · 2023-10-12T02:01:26+00:00

Hey man you should email me at [email protected] I’m an advocate, my name is John Jay. I can show you a better way to handle this mess and possibly get your money back from your layer who is just sucking you for every penny.

XxJustadudexX · 2023-10-12T05:25:18+00:00

UnarmedSnail · 2023-10-12T05:42:43+00:00

Oh yes. Tell everything she's been up to. Make sure it's age appropriate.

onmich · 2023-10-12T14:08:47+00:00

Wow! Disagree with commenters. The affair came out of a failure of the marriage. Putting it all on her isn’t fair- the marriage crumbled before the affair started . Take some accountability. Pull up your socks and cite irreconcilable differences . Why create a war for your kids ? This will be hard enough without them needing to find hate for one of you. It also might backfire. It takes two to make a marriage work and / or fall apart. Own your part and move on peacefully .

Any_Photo9958 · 2023-10-12T21:14:06+00:00

This has gotta be bait lol, obviously you tell them or shell turn them against you Consequences have actions

Far_Excitement_4835 · 2023-10-13T02:22:27+00:00

This is nonsense.

Had the same issue. We agreed not to tell our son and then my son told me what I had supposedly done.

Looks like it's the same rubbish with you only mine was 11 at the time.

You are going to get blamed anyway it really doesn't matter what you say.

In your position I would tell her to stop otherwise I would tell them even though I wouldn't

They don't need any of this extra pressure. They are already seeing their parents divorce and that's hard enough

If I was you. I would tell her the above and the kids would be told that even though we are getting divorced we both really love you and will be here for you as always.

I would also say to them that I see a 6 and mom sees a 9. We are both correct and both wrong

Leave the kids out of this.

Btw I would be surprised if she took the blame.

Either way all the best to you and yours

Far_Excitement_4835 · 2023-10-13T02:51:08+00:00

I commented before and I will do it again

Listen if you drag your kids into this she will take you to court or some other crazy stuff just to get back at you

You have to be really careful how you play this

Title	Do I tell the kids even though my wife is forbidding it?
Author	Aggressive-Annual288
Upvotes	48
Comments	109
Date	October 11, 2023 11:55 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/175c826/do_i_tell_the_kids_even_though_my_wife_is/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/do-i-tell-the-kids-even-though-my-wife-is.1234752 https://theredarchive.com/post/1234752

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