CMV: It's good advice to never settle

FlameGoats · 2024-06-30T17:43:56+00:00

Social media and dating apps have given people a completely warped view on what dating and love is by giving fools a sense of false overconfidence and letting them think options are endless.

Cautious-Education81 · 2024-06-30T17:58:15+00:00

Chasing perfection = single forever. No one is perfect, everyone has flaws

Fallen-Shadow-1214 · 2024-06-30T18:03:37+00:00

I agree generally I just disagree that you deserve better. Sometimes you’re the problem and u need to self-improve.

You shouldn’t feel like you’re setting but you also need to be able to be objective and make sacrifices for the relationship sometimes.

DreaminInChocolate · 2024-06-30T18:54:29+00:00

I'll repost my answer since the thread was deleted.

It's great to not settle for less than your standards, but once you find that person don't be stupid and keep comparing them to others out there or keep raising your standards and expectations. People can sabotage their own happiness too.

Glarus30 · 2024-06-30T19:43:04+00:00

If the lady in the video gollows her own advice she'll never be happy.

Eventually she'll have to settle on someone who she's not happy with and probably a "step down" from someone she was with before. But she'll to tell herself and her friends that "this is the one". She'll be lying to herself, because admitting you fucked up is embarassing and it hurts your ego. But deep inside she'll always ask herself "Maybe I should've stayed with that other guy?".

I know both men and women who are like that - they lose better partners, they accept pay cuts at their jobs, they get fired and accept lower paying jobs, but they claim "it's better", because e "there's 15min less commute" or some BS like that. But deep down we all know they fucked up and they are lying to themselves instead of admitting the made a mistake.

The lady in the video is a prime example why social media is bad for society and why this sub is so toxic - any idiot can say all kinds of BS online, but if you say it with some confidence and good diction - other idiots will agree and spread the idiocity.

Crimson-Pilled · 2024-06-30T20:16:59+00:00

I don't like the double standards. Women are free to ditch guys for not being perfect, while men are told to lower their standards, often accused of being astronomically high when they're just seeking the bare minimum.

Upset_Material_3372 · 2024-06-30T17:59:26+00:00

When top guys aren’t enough anymore.

Pegmaster6969696969 · 2024-06-30T17:44:46+00:00

Do women even like men? Like why are they dating us besides money and the obvious dick of the chads

Solopist112 · 2024-06-30T18:47:15+00:00

How tall is he?

Tokimonatakanimekat · 2024-06-30T18:52:41+00:00

But not all the way of what you deserve

And who the fuck determines what she deserves?

if 100% of your needs are not being met

Then you work your ass off to meet them, not demand it from someone else.

Ok-Independent-3833 · 2024-06-30T20:52:10+00:00

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Seems like all the people in the comment section disagree with the video, and why this post is so downvoted, because it's fucking delusional.

Good luck being a future spinster tho

SaBahRub · 2024-06-30T19:32:15+00:00

As long as you’re not complaining about it, sure

But if you’re complaining about where are all the good men, well….

Dutchmaster617 · 2024-06-30T18:09:53+00:00

OP is rage baiting.

There are still women who see men as human.

EulenWatcher · 2024-06-30T18:06:58+00:00

Balance is important. Yes, it's a bad idea to settle for someone who you aren't really into or who isn't compatible to you long-term. There are things you cannot compensate or compromise on like a lack of attraction or different plans on (not) having kids. From the other hand, there are no perfect people and you aren't perfect either. Relationship is a teamwork and if you view it only through the lens of "what I can get here", you aren't being a good partner yourself. Every relationship includes some compromising on both parts. Moreover, I'd argue that people can't have all their needs satisfied 100% all the time. We're creatures of discontent and we have to learn to live with it.

Of course, I'm a biased party here. I married my first boyfriend despite all the advice to "get out and explore more". The idea to throw away a relationship with a compatible person who I'm in love with seemed ridiculous back then and it is still ridiculous to me. I value my husband as a person, not as a checklist. Yes, it's important that we're compatible, but, no, I'm not going to seek someone else just because there might be someone who is better in some regard.

cestbondaeggi · 2024-06-30T19:18:50+00:00

The perfect is the enemy of the good. Why is she convinced something better is out there and attainable when the downside is potentially lifetime of loneliness?

CraftyCooler · 2024-06-30T17:53:31+00:00

If you are a man then you need to be realistic regarding looks, but never settle regarding personality . My dream woman was always a a very smart, very tall bbw with pretty face - my wife is extremely smart(she has photographic memory) chubby, has beautiful face(when i saw her first time i thought that she i cute like a doll) but isn't very tall. I do not feel like settling tbh, I am happy.

Women do not have such flexibility - so they need to settle regarding personality, because it's very hard for them to find the guy with appealing appearance.

AidsVictim · 2024-06-30T19:40:54+00:00

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTNjGTLgx/

In this video, a woman talks about how dating a great guy can be insufficient. He's still a net positive... But not all the way of what you deserve

I'd say the only thing she really mentioned that makes sense not to compromise on is kids with an otherwise "good guy". Mostly what I got out of that video is that women like this are probably just broken - maybe they shouldn't settle for a guy that's not exciting enough (she couches it with other stuff but that's usually the actual problem) because it won't make her happy but it's not good advice, it's more like a necessity for women that need that "excitement".

I'm also extremely skeptical that she's actually giving "100%" in the relationship. Everytime I've heard from a woman about how much more they give and the guy does nothing it's just been delusion. What they really mean is that they're invested emotionally in some idealized version of their partner that they're ready to give "everything to" and get angry when the man doesn't live up to that idealization. It doesn't actually reflect effort in the relationship.

You should always put your needs first, and if 100% of your needs are not being met, then you owe it to yourself to seek better.

Settling for great will just lead to resentment and regret.

I'm curious what you think about this? Do you agree?

That sounds narcissistic and unrealistic. Always putting your needs first is just being selfish and makes bad partners. And in very few cases are 100% of "needs" (usually actually these include "wants") being met in most relationships even good ones.

gusGus86_ · 2024-06-30T20:02:12+00:00

Keep that attitude when someone leaves you or cheats on you because you aren’t 100% or what they need.

I would not want to date someone that puts themselves first all the time.

Would be a terrible mother as well.

Dense-Tell-6147 · 2024-06-30T20:58:08+00:00

I think that anyone is free to choose, to settle or to keep high standards regardless of the outcome.

What I challenge here is the word “deserve”, that sounds so much like fucking ‘murrican entitlement.

You “deserve” nothing for the sole fact of being a human being, let alone if by sheer chance you were born an attractive woman in the most exploitative country in the world.

Sure, a pigshit ignorant spoiled ‘murrican brat, shallower than a puddle of dog piss thinks “she deserves” because there will always be a virtually infinite supply of equally shallow men drooling for her caked face and inflated curves, to each their own

DarayRaven · 2024-06-30T17:46:40+00:00

I'm curious what you think about this?

First what is meant by "setting" because it is clearly become a container word people especially women use when they can't maximize their hypergamy to get the best deal

wtknight · 2024-06-30T17:52:02+00:00

It really depends upon the person. If a person is happy being single and patient, then it's good advice not to settle. If a person is not happy being single and another person seems "good enough", then I don't think settling is a big deal.

The thing about dating is that it's a trial period. If someone is good but not perfect but someone better comes along, then just dump that person for the better person. Yes, it's "branch swinging", but there's nothing wrong with this as long as there's no cheating, and as long as a marital commitment hasn't been already made.

So I think that people should give that "good enough" person a chance, because there is a good chance that a better person will never come along, and that that person's expectations are too high for what he or she can reasonably attract.

egalitarian-flan · 2024-06-30T18:38:29+00:00

In this TikTok, she specifically mentions being with a good guy...kind, generous, chivalrous...who also is missing a key component of what would make some people's life meaningful. Like what if he's a really great guy...but he doesn't want kids, and one of your main goals in life has always been motherhood. Do you stay with this man because he's nice and safe, even though you'd end up childless forever?

Or lets use one of her other examples. What if you were with a great guy...but he couldn't sexually satisfy you? Now, she does not go further into what this means. Is he the most vanilla man on the planet and only does missionary for 15 minutes? Is he asexual? Does he have extremely puritan ideas about sex in general? Was he sexually abused and does not want to take part in acts that you know you truly enjoyed with other men? Would you be willing to stay with a good guy if it meant never having a sexually fulfilling life with him?

Her TikTok seems to be less of a rag on good men, and more a gentle warning to not throw away or erase significant desires of yours just to say you're in a relationship with a good man. I think this is an important message, for both men and women alike. At what point would you be willing to trade fulfillment for contentment?

RahLyt · 2024-06-30T18:07:26+00:00

What's a perfect guy?

Solondthewookiee · 2024-06-30T18:08:31+00:00

I think what a lot of people call "settling" is just staying in a relationship because there's no obvious reason to break up. I've dated women who, on paper, should be absolutely perfect for me, but we just didn't work long term. There's not any specific reason for it or major flaw, it just didn't work.

On the flip side, when I met my wife, I didn't care what items she didn't check off on my list. I wanted to be with her, and even if we're not what the other person imagined as our ideal partner, neither of us would say that we "settled."

Pathosgrim · 2024-06-30T22:11:37+00:00

Westernized Women encourage men to be toxic lol Toxic men are rewarded far more than "perfect" on paper guys. Being selfish and putting yourself first should be the main priority even if doing so is a detriment to others.

giveuporfindaway · 2024-06-30T22:20:35+00:00

Female dating is playing Blackjack. And said strategy guarantees you to lose.

greekgawdz · 2024-06-30T23:35:03+00:00

The issue is that women fail to realize that their "standards" have been fingered mainly by corporate interests to keep them on the treadmill of various industries spending $$$ and remaining single. The average 5'4 170 lb woman who believes that a 'great above average guy' "is insufficient," is a fucking moron.

Economy-Shake-1448 · 2024-06-30T23:43:12+00:00

Niceness isn’t enough.

Idk what you’re trying to argue.

A man has to be:

Nice

Stable: mentally, physically, financially, and emotionally

Share values and beliefs

Do housework

Be a good dad

These are all crucial.

Ppdebatesomental · 2024-07-01T00:43:30+00:00

Not settling for great person can also lead to resentment and regret.

It honestly depends on what you want. Would you be thrilled to never having a partner or children? I mean then wait for lightening to strike, some unicorn to come along who is too perfect to pass on.

Most people want a partner and a family. No one is perfect, great isn’t all that common. Keep passing up great and you will have to settle on being alone.

I definitely am happier having a partner. It’s definitely something I want, and I am lucky enough to have found someone who finds me to be acceptable No way I want to ever settle for being alone

DelDivision · 2024-07-01T02:32:20+00:00

I hate to say it buts it's true even for beggars. Growing up seeing relationships where it's clear one or both are in it cause they didn't have any other options was depressing. Cousin who's boyfriend who could only be around her if he was drunk or my brother who married a woman who was ugly inside and out(which he admitted himself, even before the divorce).

I know people here want to bring delusional ugly people back to reality but you also got to think of the other person your trying to match them with. It's got to be painful to know if your partner is only there cause your their only option.

just_a_place · 2024-07-01T06:13:44+00:00

Yeah, good advice, never be happy. Always look to the horizon and never take a moment to appreciate what you have. Perpetual ambition, infinite thirst. What could possibly go wrong!

KGmagic52 · 2024-07-01T13:13:48+00:00

If a man gets 80% of what he's looking for in a woman, he's usually happy. For women, if they get 80% of what they're looking for in a man, they still write posts like OP. So delusional.

fightthefascists · 2024-07-02T15:59:59+00:00

100% of your needs will never be met by anyone ever in your life. This is the most toxic nonsense I have ever seen and a perfect example of why so many people are struggling nowadays with dating.

The most common successful wisdom in dating is “dating requires SACRIFICE.”

You’re pushing the path to failure and encouraging narcissism.

Westernation · 2024-06-30T20:59:28+00:00

And if my needs can only be met with a harem of big titty goth girls, I’m the bad person 🙄

BadMuch2033 · 2024-06-30T17:55:10+00:00

If you cannot define what it would look like for your needs to be met, and communicate them to a partner who matches your preferences in a way they understand,

It's you.

Finding a new partner won't change that. There's something wrong with you on an emotional level which prevents you from loving others.

And that's fine, but probably go to therapy instead of telling everyone how your obvious avoidant attachment is you being a boss girl who don't settle. Ffs lmao.

waffleznstuff30 · 2024-06-30T18:54:32+00:00

I think settling is a net negative.

If you feel like you "settled" for your partner. They aren't it. If you find yourself saying "he's great but....". Or having to omit significant details about them from friends and family. Because it would be disapproval or why are you with this person. You settled they can be good for right now but long term there may be significant compatibility issues. You can feel it in your bones when you settle. Either you are not that attracted to them, you have to make excuses for their perceived lack (lack of effort etc), or omitting major issues from friends and family because they will wonder why are you with this person.

I'm not saying you meet this perfect person that crosses off every preference and whim. But you should give yourself grace to find a better partner who at least meets your standards. Standards are broad. Preferences are nitpicky things. You want someone you are at least attracted to. Like you find them cute. You want to find someone you share values with, you find them interesting like you enjoy spending time with them, and they have something going for themselves (hobbies, friends, a life, career). Like this should be the big ones then you can maybe refine things as you get to know them. But you shouldn't settle for someone you aren't enthusiastic about and you should be happy about the person you chose.

I think also comparing this person to social media and what they do can be toxic comparison is the theif of joy. And if you are happy. But suddenly feel like he's not buying you flowers every day that suddenly he's not good enough you need a reality check. Social media paints this unreal expectation of a relationship. A majority of being partnered is boring it's uneventful and shouldn't be. It's not grand gestures it's literally every day life that you share with a person.

Downtown_Cat_1173 · 2024-06-30T19:32:26+00:00

You need to be a good judge of character. Compatiblity is more than just a list of positive attributes. Sometimes it’s someone who matches up with you in very specific ways.

Let the superficial stuff go, but don’t compromise on compatibility

imaxwell1975 · 2024-06-30T17:42:13+00:00

I agree that women should never settle, they don't know how to.

That clip sounds like she used a guy to heal her wounds then moved on (or up). And you wonder why so many men nowadays are reevaluating if they even want a relationship or not now?

OfficeMain1226 · 2024-06-30T18:15:53+00:00

I am not sure if this video was a satire but if it was not then good fucking luck. You people don’t even know the fundamentals of what it takes to make a relationship work and are expecting perfection at the start and this expectation and constant evaluation of the other person relative to your wants and needs would ultimately lead to a point where they no longer fulfil them and then that would be the time to leave, rinse and repeat.

Red Pill’s mantra of "She’s not yours, it’s only your turn" sounds truer and truer the more I hear shit like this TikTok.

I have a girl-friend who was describing her boyfriend as "he fulfills all my needs" and that was the gist of it, and it was so off-putting that this is how she views her boyfriend and her relationship. He’s an agent to fulfill her needs.

He is not an amazing guy independently who she madly loves, with whom every moment is precious, a friend and a lover, like a loved family member. He fulfills her needs.

I mean I have friends and family, they don’t fulfill my "needs" yet they are independently awesome and I love them and want them in my life. And if a girl is with me because I fulfill her needs then it’s only a matter of time before I start faltering and will be put up for replacement. Like a broken vibrator.

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John_Oakman · 2024-06-30T18:29:00+00:00

Sure, whatever makes one happy...

... but is that the result of complete uncompromising? Or just stopping oneself from growing as a person through adaptation and overcoming the imperfections of life?

Hi-Road · 2024-06-30T19:19:21+00:00

You mean deserve as in your match? How does the individual determine that? I don't necessarily disagree with the message but I think a lot of people use this empty platitude as cope. Tiktok got a lot of brainrot on it

bhlosskanless · 2024-06-30T19:59:23+00:00

People who settle never learn to be single and live by themselves. They are looking for comfort in a relationship that avoids reality.

Involved_Currently · 2024-06-30T21:27:54+00:00

I disagree with the video in the sense that its unlikely you will find someone to be satisfied in every single way. Even more so if you consider that wants and preferences change over time.

I think there is a trade-off a life partnership is a valuable thing, raising kids together is a valuable thing if you want those you will need to settle. Settling here means being committed for more than 20 years. (At least thats what I aim for). Kids have a time window, so if you want them you will need to have found someone within that time period.

So there is a trade-off: you want the best of all sufficiently good partners you can get. Not the ideal partner because the ideal partner a). doesnt exist b). the nearly ideal partner might take too long to find. So you need to figure out whats most important to you, what you look for in a partnership. Then it depends how much time you have. If youre young you can experiement with different partners and explore youre preferences, when youre older you may consider breaking up to find someone with a better fit if youre confident you can find someone better in time.

This is what the video is about. Yes the just nice guy isnt good enough if you can find someone better and have the time. If you look for 100% and keep looking because youre not finding it, you will miss the window at some point. The only people left over then are the ones that either also missed the window, settled poorly and broke up with bad timing or arent desireable. Not sure if thats a better pool to find the ideal match.

If you dont care about kids, im sure you can consider shorter time intervals or take a longer time to decide or never settle if youre not scared of being alone in old age.

TheGreatBeefSupreme · 2024-07-01T00:12:57+00:00

If you always put your needs first, you’re not going to have a healthy relationship. No one can meet 100% of your needs, either.

half3mptyhalffull · 2024-07-01T00:54:40+00:00

You should always put your needs first, and if 100% of your needs are not being met, then you owe it to yourself to seek better.

i agree if its specifically about relational needs and not wants. but on the other hand, meeting each others' needs is something that is generally learned over time. its a big part of how the relationship grows into something special.

no one is going to know how to meet your relational needs until theyve gotten to know you, and that takes time.

YetAnotherCommenter · 2024-07-01T02:56:28+00:00

I actually DO agree with this.

Settling is a recipe for sexual dissatisfaction, both for him and her. This leads to an inherently unstable and parasitic relationship.

The problem, however, is that if women never settle, a lot of women and men are going to end up lonely. In addition, what incentive do the best men have to become one-woman-only men?

HopeChaseLock · 2024-07-01T03:22:59+00:00

Consider me as new here. What are standards and settled here? If a woman has above 6ft as standard and a guy has above 5'7ft as standard. Now Is it settling If a guy is 5'9ft and a woman is 5'5ft. Everything else is perfect. Nice personality, similar values and morals, financial stability... Is it settling?

If that's what a person considers as settling, then that person needs to grow up IMO

-Gravebloom- · 2024-07-01T04:21:11+00:00

Alright. I'll play ball and take the bait here. Yes, women are fully able and within their rights to only go for whatever the idealized perfect man in their mind. Sure. You do you, sister. But you shouldn't be surprised when those standards aren't met. Men aren't a commodity, and if you can't find that one perfect man? Well, sorry, but sucks to suck.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-07-01T10:16:04+00:00

For me it's about the spark. He can be PERFECT on paper, good looking and more, everything... But if he doesn't make me FEEL the spark it's all good for nothing.

obviousredflag · 2024-07-02T15:28:31+00:00

Settling for great will just lead to resentment and regret.

Only when you are able to find someone who meets all of your needs. Otherwise, you will regret and resent that you have not settled and spent your best years looking for something that you can't attract and willl eventually settle for even less or stay miserable and single forever.

MisterFunnyShoes · 2024-06-30T17:49:02+00:00

I mean, people can do whatever they want.

What do I think about her? She’s just another entitled, mid-level hole

Title	CMV: It's good advice to never settle
Author	Windmill_flowers
Upvotes	0
Comments	200
Date	June 30, 2024 5:37 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ds6w7k/cmv_its_good_advice_to_never_settle/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-its-good-advice-to-never-settle.1522877 https://theredarchive.com/post/1522877

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