Men don't understand what women want because women have been sending mixed signals, not because men have poor understanding.

Gravel_Roads · 2026-06-18T09:31:11+00:00

If a woman says she likes something, she means she personally likes it (or thinks she does.)

She isn’t saying “I like this which means all women like it.”

This seems to be the problem dudes on this sub make a lot

love_in_october · 2026-06-18T09:55:01+00:00

As per usual, "women have been sending mixed signals" really means "different women are saying different things and this is confusing me as I think all women must be the same".

EugeneCezanne · 2026-06-18T14:17:27+00:00

I would like to think I'm fairly smart

Maybe you are, in certain ways.

But what if I told you there are guys dumber than you who, nevertheless, understand this stuff very intuitively?

I'm doing good in school. I work a lot when I'm not in school I mean I feel detached from most humans

Attraction, dating and romantic commitments are all part of the larger ecosystem of social relationships. You sound like you're largely neglecting that ecosystem. Most people's ceiling for comprehension is going to be low if they're not learning through immersive experience.

I have heard so many contradictory things

Yet none of the things you listed are actually contradictory. At most, they're just nuanced.

Lysa_Bell · 2026-06-18T09:18:51+00:00

Surprisingly. Not all women want the same things. This is not a thing about "mixed signals", this is a thing about expectation and how the assumption is that all women should think and feel identical.

Lemon_gecko · 2026-06-18T09:39:10+00:00

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you maybe a book smart but not smart in what actually matters in relationships. It's kind of another thing. I've met people who are great in science, but they missed the most obvious social cues.

What you're describing is you overthinking things. 1) it's not your job to appease every woman on Eath, you just have to find the one you like and be someone she also likes 2) half of what you say sounds contradicting on paper but easily explained to people who have emotional intelligence and more complex understanding of people. For example "rock" and "sweetheart" is kind of easy. "rock" means emotional stability, having his shit together, maturity, and so on. "sweetheart" doesn't contradict that at all, you can be emotionally mature and want to cuddle your wife. You can be resilient and yet supportive.

cb8585b · 2026-06-18T10:35:56+00:00

Perhaps stop looking at interpersonal dynamics as an equation you can apply a singular set of rules to and you will stop being so confused. And that applies to how you interact with people in any area of life.

theminxisback · 2026-06-18T16:11:36+00:00

Women are very different from each other. What works for one woman will make the next one's skin crawl. It's borderline impossible to assume that women give "mixed signals"

Some women are direct. Some women are subtle. Some use crude humor or dry humor. Others are flat in tone and distinguished. Every single woman is different. So they are going to do, want, say different things.

Every woman is like a new flower in the garden. Inspect her with curiosity and awe and wonder. And watch what happens next.

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2026-06-18T14:52:12+00:00

You know what, you’re right. My husband is a Leafs fan and his cousin is a Canadiens fan. Men are constantly sending mixed signals. Why can’t they get their shit together? One of them must be lying.

Or, hear me out, maybe different people just like different things. There’s no contradiction. There’s just no hive mind.

LucyintheskyM · 2026-06-18T09:22:05+00:00

Women aren't a monolith. My best friend and I always joke about how different our 'types' are.

Men are also not a monolith, some like assertive women who can get shit done, others want a dreamer who likes to garden but is happy leaving dishes in the sink for days. If you're looking at what lots of different women like, you can try to take the middle road so you appeal to most of them somewhat, but then you might miss out on a woman who really appreciates you for your natural characteristics, assuming you aren't an asshole. Even then, this sub often says that's the type women go for, so...

b_berry458 · 2026-06-18T09:23:23+00:00

The ideal man is obviously not easy to pin down, but you could find him in all the romance novels women are obsessed with if you are really that lost. I mean cutesy romances like off campus not disturbed dark romances.

Also, you guys suffer from Madonna whore complex, we have our own conflicting feelings that we contend with. Some things that might feel good erotically feel bad in others ways and vice versa. Sorry no simple answers to these things

alotofironsinthefire · 2026-06-18T12:00:22+00:00

It's almost like women make up hall the human population.

And expecting Billions/ Millions (depending on scope) of people to have the same wants in a partner would be insane. Outside of very key basics.

Dating is literally about finding someone that you personal mesh with. So understanding what you want out of a relationship and communicating that would be a better strategy.

gordonnowak · 2026-06-18T10:18:31+00:00

none of the things you said are contradictory

Tylikcat · 2026-06-18T15:25:00+00:00

Men who can't grasp that women are people, which means individuals with their own wants and needs that vary, are lost.

There is no cheat code.

MarioWilson122 · 2026-06-18T16:22:57+00:00

The problem is that you're treating balance as contradiction. Strong but vulnerable, confident but not arrogant, independent but not selfish, generous but not a pushover are not mutually exclusive traits. Most people want the middle ground, not the extremes.

Where men have a legitimate complaint is that attraction and context often get left out of the advice. The same behavior can be received very differently depending on who is doing it and how it's being expressed.

That still doesn't mean women are impossible to understand. It means a lot of dating advice gets oversimplified into slogans that leave out the details that actually matter. That's why people end up confused.

That version is more clearly a debate response because it's directly attacking his conclusion rather than mostly explaining it.

TransmissionSigned · 2026-06-18T16:34:17+00:00

Yet, I have seriously struggled to understand women.

Really? How strange. I wonder why!

I mean I feel detached from most humans

Ah. Most 'humans'. That's why.

NiaMiaBia · 2026-06-18T11:09:42+00:00

Hm. I think the issue might be that you’re detached from most *human* relationships. Women are humans, fam. Like men - we think differently from one another.

A 20 year old woman is going to think differently from a 40 year old woman. Much like a 20 year old man vs a 40 year old man. Some women don’t like coffee dates, some do. Some men don’t care about body count, some do. These are not contradictions, it’s different people with different desires. Dassit.

Y’all also confuse yourselves by making up shit. For example - “He has to chose and prioritize you but he can’t be a simp” 😐 I highly doubt women are saying this to the degree that it’s causing confusion. A lot of women like/prefer “simps.”

grivoise · 2026-06-18T13:46:47+00:00

Men don't have poor understanding. They just don't want to understand. Just admit it.

"Give me a template on women so I don't have to bother getting to know them, especially when I just want to tick the boxes and get what I can benefit from them."

Half the time men don't even know what they themselves want. Lol.

Pristine_Cost_3793 · 2026-06-18T09:41:41+00:00

all women are different people. how do so mnay men here come to internet, confused on why 49yo barbara from massachusetts doesn't want the same thing 19yo sooyoung from busan, south korea wants? we also like different foods and drinks. of course the signals between me and my best friends of 20 years would be different, BECAUSE WE'RE DIFFRENT PEOPLE. you all are just trying to find a "one-fits-all" solution. THERE'S NONE. WAKE UP!!

RelativeYak7 · 2026-06-18T09:27:22+00:00

Do you and the guy next to you both want the same things? No? Amazing

dribblestrings · 2026-06-18T09:32:22+00:00

It’s almost like women are individuals, and so are men

There is no one size fits all

Axis_Control · 2026-06-18T09:33:44+00:00

Don't try to pretend to be someone you are not. Just be yourself.

If you put on an act it will only lead to issues in the relationship when you stop pretending.

socraticsnail · 2026-06-18T09:42:50+00:00

Aristotle reminds us that virtue is a golden mean. We must find that golden mean as men and women. It’s like how us ladies are supposed to be beautiful but not caked in makeup, agreeable but not a doormat, a leader of the household but not domineering etc

Suddenfury · 2026-06-18T09:52:22+00:00

People in general do not understand themselves and have a poor understanding of how humans work. Look at taxes, if you ask an average person how taxes work you will get a bad description. Taxes are simpler than humans.

Who should you ask? i don't know, it's like an unregulated doctors market out there with "alternative" medicine in every corner. Even the science is having difficulty seeing the forest for all the trees.

Radiohead_luucky · 2026-06-18T15:39:01+00:00

Men don't know what women want because we aren't wired the same way. One of the most beautiful parts of marriage, as well as frustrating at times, is that you have to navigate the world with this person who you know better than anyone else, but still only have 50% comprehension on what and why they do the things they do.

Women are often very explicit in what they want, we just don't pick up on it. Men are the same way and women are just as oblivious.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2026-06-18T16:13:56+00:00

If you’re looking for low energy, low maintenance dates with people who love routine and hate change, I suggest either the elderly or the neurodivergent, or the agoraphobic

Autistic_Bean2 · 2026-06-18T16:22:53+00:00

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Goomba_fallacy

No-Hovercraft-455 · 2026-06-18T16:31:17+00:00

I think you are confusing feedback from several different women. People here like to claim women go for same percentage of men, but I think it's mostly illusion caused by several factors

1) Women tell you guys over again that photos do nothing for them, yet studies are typically conducted using photos, leading to what I think is most women predictably experiencing no attraction and just flagging some photos instead of none because they feel pressure to pick something 2) There's a significant number of women, I'd say it hovers around 20% that are insecure and using men for validation and since most women are not constantly picking new men but this group is they make up anything between 80-100% of women who most of guys actually see picking a man. Those are the women whose man preferences get most attention because they make up 80% of picks despite making up 20% women. Their preferences overlap more than majority of women's because their central goal is validation rather than picking someone they like separate from it.

In practice, through my life, I've encountered really small number of scenarios where more than one woman from the group that talks to me about this stuff has hots for same guy, and even then one tended to be much more into that guy than the other. Most of the time "in the wild" where women actually know some men more than just on level of looks (schools, workplaces, friend groups) everyone got their own crushes and they don't really overlap much.

What's likely happening is that when you ask for advice you get responses from ordinary women like ones I know which all contradict each other in preferences. And it's probably not applicable in bars because any time those women go they are in impenetrable group that collectively shoos away all the men because they are there to spend time with friends, and the type of woman that isn't is just different breed from vast majority.

And yes, when women like ones I talk about want you to make first move they mean their specific narrow taste of men, which is different for them all so if you don't judge correctly who likes you, you get a firm no and the woman who does like you thinks you don't like her because you gone for her friend first, so you are likely getting rejected by them both. Seen it happen plenty. There's no way to make this fair because it isn't, I don't make the rules.

growframe · 2026-06-18T12:44:30+00:00

Part of being understanding and a good listener is being able to understand the frame from which the speaker is speaking.

Being upset that I said it's raining cats and dogs even though you don't see any in the sky is poor understanding.

He has to be strong and stoic but sensitive. He has to be like a rock to the outside world but a sweetheart to you. He has to choose you and prioritize you but he can't be a simp. He has to provide but he can't have any control or say in your decisions. He has to be vulnerable but if he shows too much emotion he's a bitch. He has to have his own shit going on but he can't be selfish, self-obsessed, "avoidant."

You have to understand that people will just say things about what a partner "has" to be. They're saying it into the void, not as comprehensive dating critique. This woman isn't giving you a guide to her heart, she's just saying that she wishes the hot guy she wants to fuck/is fucking/is dating was sensistive, in the same way I can say I wish I had a Ferrari. It's intended and assumed to be a non-binding, wishy-washy statement, and you're being a poor understander by simply implanting your own hyper-literal framing and being upset about it.

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Mission-Pie-7192 · 2026-06-18T22:55:16+00:00

If you're fairly smart, that means you're open to new ideas.

Women are humans, which means each one likes different things. You can't understand them all.

Yupperdoodledoo · 2026-06-19T01:17:37+00:00

Who are you hearing all of this from?

emmarie1023 · 2026-06-19T03:48:36+00:00

If you “feel detached from most humans” you might also feel detached from yourself? I wonder if part of not understanding “what women want” is related to you not truly knowing yourself? Because the goal isn’t to change yourself into something someone else wants you to be. The goal is to know who you are, what’s important to you, what’s your best version of yourself and find someone who shares those values and likes the direction you’re working on.

Potential_Winner1931 · 2026-06-19T05:48:42+00:00

Oh ya, women don't care about contradictions. Tell me something I don't know 😆

baller696969balls · 2026-06-19T06:08:28+00:00

Of course women are sending you mixed signals; they are billions of different people with diverse opinions, not a singular entity. There is no set of rules that is going to guarantee the social attraction of all women, you have to be a bit more narrow in your preferences and find out how to pursue a certain type of woman, or literally just a specific woman in your life.

Men don’t understand what women want because they aren’t supposed to. A man can understand what one (1) woman wants if he asks her, and not a variety of women.

Visible-Counter-7693 · 2026-06-19T19:18:14+00:00

Women want money, attention, validation, etc. For most, a man's appearance only matters as a status symbol to show off to other women; women aren't very attracted to men.

No_Project_4738 · 2026-06-22T04:36:15+00:00

This only matters when you are trying to be something to all women instead of being authentic in order to find a woman. If I tried to become what every man wanted me to be I’d go insane.

Each person is a unique ice cream flavor and their pairings will be specific to their unique flavor. Same goes for you. Find your authentic self in order to find your authentic pairing.

Several_Ability3315 · 2026-06-30T10:51:26+00:00

I may aswell lay it all out there. Also remember not all women are the same. Here’s what I’ve come to within my own reality and lived experiences

What we see from most men nowadays is either someone who is assertive, controlling, and emotionally detached, or someone who is passive, eager, and over validating. Never coming to the conclusion that they want someone with a mix of Assertiveness, Empathy, and Integrity. Empathy without Assertiveness is just another form of manipulation and a desperate tactic to buy affection as you aren’t staying true to yourself. They wan’t to be chosen and loved for who they are but that has to come from reality. A man who can understand her and her emotions while still putting himself and his ambitions first. Someone who can be playful, and even playfully mean at times, without falling for games or manipulation.

Modern dating is fractured by a transactional consumption mindset where people extract validation and gratification for their own egos which prevents you from ever truly understanding someone, causing women to give into the manipulative games because they cannot find anything else and crave connection. Financial stability is merely a secondary form of security and safety that women pursue when genuine chemistry and emotional security are missing. True chemistry relies on authentic energy and motives that cannot be faked because it broadcasts through your micro-movements, eyes, expressions, tone of voice, breathing/heart, posture ect. Women decode these subtle cues, making spoken words entirely meaningless if they lack matching energetic presence. Online complaints about a lack of verbal directness in their flirting miss the point because those are the very things that build chemistry, words without that are just performative. Insecure men try to manipulate female intuition and attempt to use manufactured tension, where secure men with good intentions welcome being seen and create real romantic tension. Entering an interaction with defeatist thoughts instantly transmits insecurity. A man commands respect by prioritizing his ambition, maintaining a moral backbone, and genuinely understanding a partner's internal world. Safety creates what a partner needs to drop their protective personas, allowing you to love who they truly are. When you truly love someone you should adore their interests, art, and hobbies aswell, as they are direct reflections of themselves. Vulnerability isn’t the same thing as insecurity. Deep connection requires a mutual overflow where both partners pour into each other, creating a secure environment free from exploitation. Demanding compliance only breeds resentment and could never come close to someone doing things out of their own love and respect for you. Secure individuals don’t fall for manipulation and balance uncompromising standards and clear boundaries with empathy, knowing that love doesn’t mean allowing bad behavior. Women are attracted to men they respect, and who truly understand them. They do want a mix of strength and depth. People need to realize that negative egos will never bring happiness.. it will never be enough. It is an addiction. I promise it could never come close to creating memories and the feelings of true chemistry. But that’s upto them to figure out what they want at the end in life. An endless chase of superficial gratification, or something more real than that.

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2026-06-18T12:38:13+00:00

I think this is just a classic example of people not being able to verbalize exactly what they want for a number of reasons, and men thinking that simply asking women what they want is going to help them understand what specific adjustments they can make so that the women men desire will desire them in the same way they desire those women.

Guy: "What do you want in a man?"

Woman "Someone who listens, is honest, cares about my feelings, opens up emotionally, respects me, etc.."

The guy is really asking "What makes you want to sleep with a man:

The girl is really answering "How do I wish men I want to sleep with would treat me?"

They're both talking past each other.

One of the most basic old school RP principles that I fully agree with is: Pay attention to what women respond to, not what they say they want. Not because the women in this example is lying (she's not), she's just answering the question from her point of view: I wish these men that I keep sleeping with treated me differently.

OfxThexAges · 2026-06-18T18:17:07+00:00

If she's not giving you hard eye contact, putting herself in your orbit or making it painful clear she wants you just ignore and carry on with your life/assume she has no interest whatsoever.

statsfodder · 2026-06-18T09:32:13+00:00

You are correct.

Women (and Men) make all the preference statements out loud but whisper the caveat "unless they are hot" ...

No_Locksmith_1739 · 2026-06-18T10:07:17+00:00

I’m SO TIRED of so many people (both genders) not understanding that male and female brains are hardwired to receive information differently, at basically Planck scale.

EXAMPLE FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK:

When a man hears “clean your room,” he is going to clean his room in whatever has been ingrained into his adolescent brain. It might literally just be picking up the clothes off of the floor. Go, do, done.

When a woman hears “clean your room,” she is going to think …

“Alright I’ll get in there, pick everything up, clean the baseboards, vacuum the floor, dust the blinds. Maybe I should get a new vacuum? Should I just replace the carpet? The walls are kind of dingy… Maybe I should paint them?”

Until you, in the general sense, understand this, you will never really be a good communicator across genders.

Edit: Appreciate the responses; they help highlight the disconnect between people and communication styles. They’ve inadvertently proven my point. Thanks!

Legal_Implement_5098 · 2026-06-18T09:21:03+00:00

Just pay for it or leave the west, its easier.

Firm_Cap2585 · 2026-06-18T17:03:41+00:00

Women are confused about most of the stuff therefore their actions will reflect the same. Bro You will never understand them. You will never find peace.

My opinion, take em with a pinch of salt. don't emotionally invest too much or you will be destroyed, devastated. If they want to have fun well join em and have some fun.

Title	Men don't understand what women want because women have been sending mixed signals, not because men have poor understanding.
Author	Open-Quail-2573
Upvotes	65
Comments	262
Date	June 18, 2026 9:12 AM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1u91bi6/men_dont_understand_what_women_want_because_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/men-dont-understand-what-women-want-because-women.1583066 https://theredarchive.com/post/1583066

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