The Coldness After

HereinPA1 · 2023-10-25T23:28:26+00:00

Adding my chips to the pile. It was and is simply astonishing the complete 180 she took towards me. I’ve mentioned in this sub before how in an instant we became strangers like we weren’t married for almost 20 years and raising a family once she dropped the bomb on me.

It’s one of the most psychologically amazing things I’ve seen in my life really. She snapped her fingers and I wasn’t her husband anymore and that was that.

I’m four months in and doing so much better than I was two months ago but there’s still this what the fuck just happened feeling about it.

You’re not alone OP and I’m sorry you too are in the shit show with us.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-10-25T22:27:30+00:00

She’s got a man on her mind. Sorry man. Most of them are like this

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2023-10-25T23:35:12+00:00

I too experienced this… one day she was telling me how much she loved me, and days later, (less than two weeks so I can’t even say weeks), she was as cold as ice… it’s like they have to sike themselves up into thinking you’re a bad person and the enemy so they can feel like what they’re doing is right… in my experience there wasn’t a big fight, no abuse, no drug use, not even a disagreement… went from having a date night planned, to telling me I couldn’t see my dog and I was a narcissist (the amount of times I’ve heard this is also shocking)

EDITORDIE · 2023-10-25T22:04:56+00:00

As cold as ice. A story as old as time. Turns out both are true. Sorry dude. Same situation here. Except mine is also aggressive and constantly confrontational now. Such a weird emboldened departure from before.

pk2at · 2023-10-25T23:09:10+00:00

This is well known in psychology, lights off effect in women, it lasts for a few years, so don't waste your time repairing the relationship. Do follow advice and protect/hide your money during divorce because it may get nasty and likely bankrupt you

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2023-10-25T23:39:08+00:00

I think a lot of this has to do with how women think about “their” man… when she’s happy with you, you are HER man, you’re not a separate person but more like one of her possessions, and when she’s made the decision to leave (in almost all cases there is someone else lined up at minimum), you’re no longer hers, she has someone else who’s getting the nice version of her world, and at this point she doesn’t care… think back to how she treated other people while you were hers and it makes a lot more sense, at least in my experience

Accomplished_Gene176 · 2023-10-26T00:48:19+00:00

It was already over in her mind a long time ago so ask yourself this next time you go to live with a woman or get married. Are you willing to risk it all on someone who wont tell you how theyre feeling? All these relationships ending are basically a copy and paste but us men are still signing up for it. They have far more reasons to leave and we believe we have more reasons to stay and work it out

Reflog1791 · 2023-10-26T01:04:40+00:00

Reverse psychology works wonders. However you are feeling do the opposite. Act all happy and chipper like you’ve got some hottie on deck. That will change her tune.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-10-26T07:08:18+00:00

It’s a new guy.

Same thing happened to a lot of us, once they fall for somebody new you instantly become the enemy since you’re the problem and what’s keeping her from her new perfect life with Mr wonderful. Light switch effect - google it.

Ancient-Length8844 · 2023-10-26T05:09:51+00:00

She's gonna get a 6'5" guy who makes 7 figures with a 13" weiner to take care of her and your kids...then reality hits

yaboyebeatz · 2023-10-25T22:37:28+00:00

Once you understand that emotions are the guide to a woman’s life, everything becomes easy.

Everything is about how she feels in that moment. Woman think about now vs the future.

Men fail to understand a woman’s logic because we expect them to think like us. We must stop expecting a woman to think and respond like a man.

Woman are grown toddlers. Think about it and look back as to how your wife used to act and speak.

Get in her emotions brother and win the game.

Stitching · 2023-10-25T22:49:56+00:00

I’m in the exact same boat down to the couples therapy and not hitting the right issues apparently. Plus the therapy ended a year or so before she decided to divorce me. Didn’t care we have a 3 and 5 year old together. Didn’t care I was in group therapy 5 days a week plus personal therapy and was recognizing and taking ownership for the shitty things I did in our relationship but was making changes and expressing remorse and shame for my behaviors. She was “proud of me” and that was it. Never wavered from divorce. 6 year marriage thrown away because she “had to do what was best for her.” 4 months after her filing I’m technically doing much better but how does one really recover from losing a family life because the person I was still in love with decided to leave me (or have me leave to be more accurate)? We were 5 days into a separation I thought was meant for us to try to grow and come back together when she told me she was filing for divorce. What do you do with that?!

BigSkyHiker · 2023-10-25T22:55:19+00:00

I too am always stunned at how many times I read my story on here as well - it would be laughable if it wasn't so heart wrenchingly sad.......4 months out from D day and just getting into the legal process. You are going to be ok - I know that it doesn't feel that way right now, but when shit looks dark and grief is overwhelming, remember that you are going to be ok!

playerknowmore · 2023-10-26T16:11:16+00:00

The quicker you come to the realization that you love her, but you don't need her the better. When my wife asked for a separation, I had a divorce settlement drawn. She asked if I loved her, and I said, of course. Then I told her that I didn't need anyone.

Luckily, she didn't have my replacement lined up. My view of love is different. I love me the most and everyone else by the value they add. Someone who doesn't want to be in my life can not add value.

My mother in law broke down the math for her. She said divorce for women after fifty is a life alone. Even if she could get a man, she couldn't do better than me. I think we should all have death do us part parents to help us through the rough spots in our marriages.

techrmd3 · 2023-10-25T23:43:20+00:00

Yeah I call it the Binary Light switch effect. When they want to exit they are Done Done. No deliberation, no try to work things out... etc. Happens in Boyfriend/Girlfriend relationships.

MidniteOG · 2023-10-26T00:44:58+00:00

Everyone told me the same thing during my time… “what your saying is logical”… i didn’t fully understand it then, but now it makes sense

PositivityKnight · 2023-10-26T01:02:35+00:00

they are all like that its nuts because I've never seen a dude be that way ya know.

RedFridged · 2023-10-26T05:57:56+00:00

…they deeply hate themselves…

UseResponsible4368 · 2023-10-27T00:31:34+00:00

Another member for the Eat. Pray. Love. Best Life FOMO YOLO Cult.

Nothing to do here, just to cover your exit as best as possible.

Once they are done, they are done. In a few years she odds are even steven she'll be trying to get back with you once she realizes 40+ women don't get a second chance at being pretty princess to be fawned over for life.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2023-10-25T22:39:07+00:00

They have already grieved the loss for a long time already

Mmjohns195 · 2023-10-26T00:22:17+00:00

Sometimes I wish that I could get that iciness or just nothingness from her, I usually get weeks of nothing then random, why didn’t you try harder to save our marriage etc, she wanted the divorce not me but it’s me who didn’t want to save it? Only a few more months until we can file….

lifeisallihave · 2023-10-26T06:29:39+00:00

Time to work on yourself alone and take care of the kids. Treat her well but don't fight or argue. Keep breathing. Hit the gym. Just concentrate on yourself and be there for the kids.

chunckyd · 2023-10-26T14:49:27+00:00

How many in here found the the coldness was do to the side “D” she was already involved with? In my experience they can’t mentally cheat on the side dude with there husband so they shutdown and stonewall. Also, would be curious how many of you ended it with wife and months/years later they come back after 304 phase has become old?

Familiar_Habit6857 · 2023-11-17T20:38:01+00:00

This shook me as well. One week she is writing me nice notes about encouragement and I thought things were going well. Then the next she completely blocks me from her social media. Laughs in my face and calls me pathetic for acting flabbergasted to her sudden change in heart as if I was supposed to know this was going to happen. To make matters worse she had done the same thing to me 2 years prior. I was too naive to give her back my trust the first time.

I had spent 2 agonizing months living with someone who thinks you are the scum of the Earth. The first month I tried being really kind to her despite feeling horrible and was met with coldness and bitterness. So I stopped talking to her. She then proceeds to start being kinder but at this point I have kind of had it so I give her the bare minimum effort she gave me. She gets mad that she is putting more effort into talking to me. I told her why would I put more effort in when you have already destroyed me inside. It was so frustrating.

But I feel relieved to be no longer with her. I realized how many eggshells I was walking on daily just to prove my worth to her. Plus she was never home and was always with her "friends".

She is by far one of the coldest people I know.

U_feel_Me · 2023-10-26T06:14:36+00:00

Maybe she has a man on her mind.

Maybe she doesn’t.

It’s like quitting a job. Sometimes you have another job lined up.

Sometimes you just can’t stay, no matter what.

GW00111 · 2023-10-26T00:26:56+00:00

The one who gets broken up with does the crying after the end. The one who initiates the breakup does the crying long before the end, when they are falling out of love for whatever reason.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2023-10-27T00:55:23+00:00

Redpill has a theory for this. They call it War Brides. Essentially, prehistoric women who were captured by the enemy and resisted did not produce offspring and their lineage died out. Those who quickly acclimated to their new captor and had babies with him passed their genes on. Today, every woman is a descendent of a war bride who quickly acclimated to her captor.

Logically speaking, it makes sense. I don't know if its true though.

Taici · 2023-10-26T09:05:41+00:00

How old are you mate?

Constant-Ad9903 · 2023-10-26T12:58:59+00:00

Motivation for all my brothers that’s going through it! Turn your pain into power

https://youtu.be/1KDhwwXf0zA?si=7htGJmEzUEKkWvbx

LonelyNC123 · 2023-10-27T12:03:47+00:00

If you are in the USA, there are quite a few states where there is an economic reward for this behavior. It is called ALIMONY.

I am in a man in my 50's, one child about to finish college. Bitterly unhappy for ages, I toughed this out trying to be a decent dad. I am trying to talk mine into a 50/50 asset split. At my age in my state alimony is a DEATH SENTENCE for me.

I am not a trust fund baby, I am just a 'working man'. Unfortunately the legislature in my state thinks I am a trust fund baby - - and so does my wife.

Friendly-Maximum9412 · 2023-10-29T00:13:45+00:00

A question for the all the men. Are all women like this, or is it just the disordered women?

Speideronreddit · 2023-11-21T16:43:03+00:00

Her experience might have been that she was trying for years to make it work, and isn't over it. The coldness is from being done for a long time.

Title	The Coldness After
Author	SummerRound
Upvotes	88
Comments	142
Date	October 25, 2023 9:49 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17gg5gy/the_coldness_after/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-coldness-after.1236354 https://theredarchive.com/post/1236354

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