Don’t do it sis.

supremelyparanoid · 2020-09-12T22:14:46+00:00

[deleted]

LeaChan · 2020-09-12T21:04:35+00:00

Also don't start a joint savings account. I don't care how good he is with money. He will find excuses to pull your hard earned cash out to spoil himself. Learned this the hard way and couldn't admit it was happening until I was several thousand dollars poorer.

veruscka · 2020-09-12T22:03:34+00:00

I almost did this last year, tg we broke up! I can’t imagine the hell that would have been quarantining with him for months. It might be more expensive to live alone, but at least I have inner peace.

0kfornow · 2020-09-13T03:46:35+00:00

Agreed. There is no point. My ex scrote stole thousands of dollars worth of power tools and camping equipment that I bought in my name as he was moving out his stuff.

Rather than fight him for it I let it go. Better to see the back of him than deal with him ever again.

According to that scrote what was mine was his and what was his was his.

He had one of the blackest souls I have come across.

I will never let a man into my space again.

fim_de_semana · 2020-09-12T20:49:44+00:00

No cohabitating without a ring!

basicbagels · 2020-09-12T23:33:38+00:00

One of my best friends did this and is currently living with her bf. She complained to me the other day how her bf doesn’t lift a finger and she does all the work... cleaning, cooking, and driving him to grad school. Pickme 101 🙄

vmuzondi · 2020-09-13T00:41:11+00:00

Oof made the mistake of moving in once. Never again. I’m only doing it without a ring if he pays all the bills and I get to save the rent. Otherwise no thanks.

Edit: jokes aside I’d rather have inner peace. I learned you gain nothing from moving in with men and you can see how they live without cohabitating. Please don’t move in with men without a ring!

Suspicious_Trick · 2020-09-12T21:26:40+00:00

I understand the sentiment completely, and support it wholeheartedly for most women. However, what about those of us not interested in marriage? Please don’t hate, I swear I’m not a pickme 😅 I just love my vetted partner and want to cohabitate without marriage (ever) 🤷🏻‍♀️

NowTruly · 2020-09-13T10:40:31+00:00

Relatedly, here’s another thing to consider about marriage, home mortgage, and equity: CONTRIBUTIONS.

Both your names may be on the title, but if only one party is paying down the mortgage, their payments will be deducted from the home’s equity IN THEIR FAVOR — and you’re left splitting a smaller pot.

I married as a pick-me. This lesson, I learned the hard way.

He tried to buy our marital home in his name only, while I was working out-of-state. He said that “of course” it’s still OUR HOME — we got it after we got married. There was no need to take any extra steps to make sure my name was on the title. I argued with him that AS HIS WIFE, my name should be on the title as a matter of course (instead of salting the earth as I walked away, as I should’ve done when he tried this bullshit move.)

Then, he helpfully suggested that he’d pay the mortgage, and I could pay the rest of the household bills. “It’s just simpler that way,” he told me reassuringly. Maybe if we lived in Hawaii, or some other high COLA area, that would’ve been an equitable split. Newsflash: we didn’t, it wasn’t, and HE FUCKING KNEW THAT. I was paying the lion’s share of the household bills, even as he would moan and groan about each month’s mortgage payment. I was the proverbial frog-in-boiling-water, though: I didn’t notice the sizeable inequity until after it was too late.

When the issue of equity of the marital home came up in the divorce, I had to fight the judge, his lawyer AND my lawyer to get it properly evaluated. Everybody claimed the house was underwater: I knew it wasn’t. But after the house valuation came back MUCH higher than previously acknowledged, I still had to eat the loss of his mortgage payments from the equity split. There was no fighting that — even though what I was paying in household bills each month was literally 2-3 times what he paid in mortgage payment.

Again: I was paying for everything from the food on the table to the electricity keeping the lights on to the home nurse for our newborn, but NONE OF THAT WAS TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT IN COURT.

Mortgage payments. If you’re not splitting them, you’re setting that money on fire.

Final Protip: if most of your “HVM” husband’s friends are divorced, they’re coaching him on all these little tricks. Bros taking care of bros, eternal vows be damned.

Don’t hang up your FDS goggles when you get married, ladies. FDS FOR LIFE, or suffer the consequences.

suspended_animation_ · 2020-09-12T22:38:25+00:00

I won't ever again. It was a terrifying trap. Never never never again...

mscristalconnors · 2020-09-13T03:13:07+00:00

Don’t do it! He can pay my rent but he ain’t living here 😭

ScrappleSandwiches · 2020-09-13T02:37:36+00:00

How about all these people wanting to buy a house together without being married? Asked at least once a month on /r/legaladvice. “But I don’t beeellieeve in marriage! So how can I protect myself legally if I do it?”

Good Lordy, if somebody wants you to buy a house with them but not marry them, run run run. Or buy it and make them your tenant. Or co-sign a loan for a Hummer with your meth-head cousin, because that’s a better investment.

perhapsbutnottoday · 2020-09-13T11:52:19+00:00

Admins, some re-flairing please. Half the comments are 🤮

richinsunnyhours · 2020-09-13T00:53:32+00:00

Wish I had seen this a year and a half ago. FML!

Lily618 · 2020-09-13T06:47:33+00:00

Omg living alone feels so damn good. No thank you

thatslikemy4thaccunt · 2020-09-13T06:24:20+00:00

Yes! All the time and energy that went into the moving, creating a home and then taking care of almost every chore. All the money lost. Never. Again.

SunnydaleHSDropout · 2020-09-13T00:10:39+00:00

This is one part of FDS that I don’t quite agree with. I get the sentiment for sure, but I would never marry someone I hadn’t lived with.

Keep a separate bank account and have a backup plan should the relationship go south. Breaking a lease sucks but it’s not the end of the world.

However, I would say 10000% do not buy a house with someone you are not married to (or in a long-term committed partnership with). I’ve had a few friends learn this very hard lesson. One friend paid half of the down payment but the house was in his name. When they broke up, she got nothing and he kept the house.

BellaStayFly · 2020-09-13T08:11:27+00:00

I paid off my house and take great pleasure in knowing it’s forever mine. It’s my happy place and makes me feel secure.

guavagoodness · 2020-09-13T16:14:17+00:00

GIIIIIIRL!!!! They don’t wanna hear this!!!!!

kmblue · 2020-09-13T16:28:22+00:00

Never sign a lease with a boyfriend. Never move in with a boyfriend who owns their house. Get married and have a joint account that is used specifically to pay the mortgage to make sure there's equal equity. If you don't want to get married, it's best just to live in your own place or live with roommates who you aren't dating. Even if you date women instead of men, it's best to still get married before moving in with your significant other.

There isn't a man out there, LVM or HVM, who won't get tempted to take advantage of you if you put yourself in the position to be taken advantage of. No matter what, even in relationships with HVM, women give more than the man. That includes cooking, cleaning, children, overall household management. Even if you have help, the woman tends to be the one hiring and managing the help. Get that equity and everything you can to help yourself. Moving in without the legal protection of marriage is setting yourself up to be screwed.

Rosievw · 2020-09-13T00:59:19+00:00

And sadly don't get a pet together, potential emotional blackmail, have your own

AlienElyssa29 · 2020-09-12T23:01:07+00:00

I recently did. Its turned out well, he does most of the cleaning and all of that.

Don't feel like his maid.. at all.

BabyGotBantz · 2020-09-13T04:18:51+00:00

Queen behavior is either living on your own or making him pay 100 percent of the rent and living rent free. Don’t get tied into a lease with a guy who can literally leave you at any time.

flowerpal7 · 2020-09-12T22:09:21+00:00

I grew up in a non-western country and moved to the states for college, and this is honestly one of the most shocking things about American culture. People move in so quickly with their bf/gf! I've been here for a while and still can't wrap my head around it

kmblue · 2020-09-13T01:49:04+00:00

[deleted]

Tatted_kreole · 2020-09-12T22:47:29+00:00

Don’t do it . You will regret it. Trust the bad feeling in your gut.

AppropriateHoney6 · 2020-09-13T15:56:39+00:00

Agreed. Even if you don’t ‘believe in marriage’, a house is a really expensive and binding investment . If your boyfriend walks out on you tomorrow, how are you going to split the furniture, where will you go, how much money will you actually get back?! This is a man who won’t commit to you in the long term yet he wants to sign a lease for 20+ years with you?! Wake up and smell the coffee! He is only doing what benefits him without actually thinking about your well being.

Urbit1981 · 2020-09-13T00:55:40+00:00

I own my own place, and this is definitely a huge no go for me. I would just be viewed as a free ride, and that's a big nope.

Bellaskywalker1 · 2020-09-13T03:39:24+00:00

😂 So true I second that! I was dating a lvm that wanted to move in after 1 month😂

belial03 · 2020-09-13T09:00:56+00:00

My sister unfortunately did this. They were moving out of their old apparntment. Not long after moving in to the new one, they had to broke up since her bf started to be even more of a dick

lyricthesecond · 2020-09-17T01:46:21+00:00

Unless it's a completely advantageous situation for you. That is, he pays all the expenses - rent, bills (and vacations, gifts, spending cash for you if you're smart). Still, even in an idyllic situation like this, don't be completely financially helpless. Have a source of income, SAVE YOUR MONEY and build a safety net so you can chuck up the deuces if things go south (or something happens where he can't take care of things anymore), and use this time to get/upgrade your education and career. Don't be lulled into feeling like you've "made it" and resting on your laurels.

GladArugula · 2020-09-13T01:08:04+00:00

I live with my boyfriend and it’s been fine. I think it just depends. As long as you’re honest and up front with each other. We split up housework and he actually does most of the cooking. I think waiting until marriage is fine if that’s what you believe in. But not everyone believes in marriage. Not everyone wants the same things. I’m not sure I want kids either...I’m not much on traditional values.

ShadowRealmDweller · 2020-09-13T05:35:03+00:00

Broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago after 4 years of cohabitation. He was very affectionate towards me and kept a spotless house but sadly addicted to video games and pot, has anxiety issues that bled over to me, and no action on the marriage front. I moved in with him hastily and partly out of the fear that once I hit my 30s i would be less datable. 🤡🤡🤡 Me, i am now in my 30s and ended up where i had once feared. But whatever, I know what I have to do now to work towards a better future.

I just found this sub a few days ago while looking for advice for getting over a breakup, and the advice has been helpful. Thank you.

2020-09-13T02:43:24+00:00

Or ya know buy a house with him and you’re not married

cemeterykitten · 2020-09-13T05:12:04+00:00

Fuck. This person is so right.

nithanitha · 2020-09-13T10:40:05+00:00

[deleted]

vmuzondi · 2020-09-13T01:41:57+00:00

[removed]

Title	Don’t do it sis.
Author	nithanitha
Upvotes	2688
Comments	207
Date	September 12, 2020 8:41 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/irkco2/dont_do_it_sis/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dont-do-it-sis.214059 https://theredarchive.com/post/214059

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