Looking through the wrong lense: Which issues do men and women get wrong because they assume the other sex thinks like them?

Alwaysnthered · 2025-08-04T22:57:34+00:00

that inability to get sex isn't just about getting our dicks wet - in fact it's way more than that. we often miss having a women that is close to us to really talk to that isn't all defensive because she thinks we are just trying to get in her pants. or cuddling, or just the feminine energy.

I often say I'd absolutely LOVE to have a female friend that I am close, I don't give a shit about the sex or have any expectations for anything. Literally just someone to go out with, talk about deeper topics, give each other advice, dress up, go to fun events with more of the feminine side versus just hanging out with my bros all the time.

however, I know that's basically impossible as their is always defensive posturing about "oh, then he's gonna think that I might like him".

some of just want to connect with women, period.

petellapain · 2025-08-04T23:12:28+00:00

Men like friendly attentive women because they just like women by default. Men think that if they want a woman to like them, they should just be more friendly and attentive to her.

Women like successful ambitious men. Women think if they become ambitious and successful themselves, it will make (top tier) men attracted to them in the same way

My_House_on_Mars · 2025-08-04T19:39:16+00:00

The desperation for sex and standards

I think guys here can't understand how come women are so chill with being single not having sex. Why on earth do they think women have to check their standards when staying single isn't that bad.

Friendships

(this os probably PPD specific, not the general public, I'm not sure)

I've seen men here complain about friendships being useless. Idk if it's a woman thing or a ppd thing but I absolutely cannot imagine my life without friends. Considering I don't have a lot of family. Before coming here I didn't even know some people didn't apreciate friendships

No-Hovercraft-455 · 2025-08-04T21:19:56+00:00

Attraction if we are generalising really hard, because obviously that's not gonna apply to every single woman. I think men underestimate how much and how genuinely into them a woman who initially wasn't can get. I'm not saying stalk someone who said no, or pressure women who are not into someone give them a chance or some crap. I believe there can be off-putting qualities that make a woman know immediately it's a definite no. But what becomes to attraction after "definite no's" and outside stalking or pressuring context I don't think men get how much it can genuinely change by knowing a person. I think if men were aware of extend of it, it would change how lot of dynamics are viewed and contribute to fixing lot of issues that stem from insecurity and misunderstanding. I may be over optimistic idiot but I think if that one part was understood by men for how powerful it is, they'd stop misunderstanding or just outright dismissing women in so many other matters.

TheGloriousEv0lution · 2025-08-04T21:25:23+00:00

Being considered “relationship material” but not hookup material by the same woman is something men deal with

I saw this posted in another thread earlier and a lot of women thought that it was a compliment, while men (understandably) took it as a sleight or that they’re possibly being used

Men and women have very different dynamics when it comes to dating so there’s a lot of misunderstandings in what the other gender wants or values

Shadowcat1606 · 2025-08-04T21:17:21+00:00

A lot of men think that most women should count themselves lucky because it's easier for them to get laid.

While that is true, what most of those men fail to see is that this isn't really something women see as an advantage, because for a lot of women, the many potential negative effects by far outweigh the positive aspects - the main one being "getting laid", but even that isn't that big of one, becauise casual sex is not as desireable for women as it is for men, either.

attendquoi · 2025-08-04T19:45:52+00:00

Men think women can't possibly suffer because we can easily have sex, because sex is the only thing of value to them.

Personally, I'd rather be more successful in my career than see another penis again for as long as I live.

Training-Cook3507 · 2025-08-04T21:26:00+00:00

Women don't understand or want to accept that most men they are friends with... Likely would pursue sex with them if the circumstances were right.

Reasonable_Mouse789 · 2025-08-04T21:29:47+00:00

“Surely she’ll sleep with me because she’s ugly” or “women will sleep with any Chad”

I wish it worked like that. It’d make my life easier. I have to “find” women who are into me, not try to make a woman who’s not into me, into me.

“Size matters”

Straight men have their mind warped. I don’t know what it is in men, but they care a lot, even though probably none of the women in their lives have given any indication they care. Gay men care about size as much as straight men pretend that straight women do. A woman would probably never sleep with me for that alone, but having one in the gay community is essentially equivalent to being tall, nice face, fit, or whatever. Men fetishize it.

“His compliments were so sweet!”

He probably says them to everyone. I personally just use them to indicate interest. One woman I knew couldn’t get over her fwb because he cried and called her his “best friend”. He was using her, and emotionally manipulating her. Actions speak louder than words with most people.

Men: “Surely other men aren’t THAT bad, right?”

They are. Nerdy redditors should know this, but they ignore it. The floor is lower for men than it is for women. More felons, violent people, bullies, etc. Have you ever seen a movie where it’s depicted a woman is dunking another woman’s head in the toilet? No? That’s because a lot of men are pretty terrible people.

“Average women don’t date average men” (or vice versa)

Go outside. The vast majority of couples look about even with each other looks wise. Most couples I’ve gotten to know tend to deserve each other, good or bad.

Hard_Corsair · 2025-08-04T19:35:33+00:00

Men don't understand that a lot of the sex available to women isn't worth having, and refuse to accept that bad sex can be worse than loneliness.

Women ice good relationships because she can't understand how her boyfriend/husband could find her attractive when she doesn't see it in herself.

YetAnotherCommenter · 2025-08-05T00:45:34+00:00

A big error by feminist women is the belief that abortion restrictions are something "men" do to further their own sex-based interest in control over women's bodies.

This theory ignores pro-choice males, pro-life females, and it absolutely glosses over the role that religious dogma surrounding conception plays in the debate. The kind of people who come up with religious dogmas may typically be male, but they are not normal males, and not hegemonically masculine males.

It also ignores the well-documented reality that men do not act like a political bloc. Social psychology research has demonstrated that males have an out-group bias and compete against each other for female affection - they don't gang up with each other to subjugate women.

Indeed, from a sociopolitical point of view, "Chads" and "loser men" are practically separate genders. They don't have common interests and don't act in concert. "Males" do not act collectively on the basis of their interests as a sex.

Women project their own experience of sexual in-group solidarity onto men. This is the root of so many erroneous notions in feminist theory.

Downtown_Cat_1745 · 2025-08-04T19:42:40+00:00

I don’t think that women withhold sex so that men feel special. I think that the women who look for relationships and wait to have sex are not the women who engage in hookups

TheRedPillRipper · 2025-08-04T21:34:14+00:00

He should feel honored.

The issue here is the men who feel ‘honored’ most likely do not have many options to choose from. Conversely, men that do have options don’t have to feel anything. As they have options.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-08-05T06:10:42+00:00

“The barista wants me” (no, you want the barista)

“He says he loves me” (as he downloads tinder)

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2025-08-04T21:52:02+00:00

I would say, men thinking women want as much sex than them and are surprised why their chance of success in hookups or short flings are very low with women

I would also say women thinking that men also bond the same way as them through sex and time. So they are surprised when they fall in love through sex with a man who will never love her no matter the amount of time and sex given

TempDong · 2025-08-05T05:45:20+00:00

Women withhold sex to manipulate men

I've seen wayyy too many women joke about withholding sex on purpose because they know it would hurt their partner for this to not be true.

That said, I think both genders fall for the "this is what I admire in my gender, so this is what is attractive to the other gender" trap. Stuff like "male gaze" and "female gaze" are helping fight against that (even if it is largely stupid) though.

Lemon_gecko · 2025-08-04T19:31:09+00:00

I'm confused. Men regularly say things like "we use women for sex" "hump and dump" and so on, and how there is no such thing as being used for sex?

Siukslinis_acc · 2025-08-04T19:43:39+00:00

Dunno if I do it right.

Male false assumption: woman is randomly angry at everything due to hormones.

Female consensus: I'm in non stop pain for hours, feel nauseous, have cold shivers (even if it is +30 C), feeling like i'm gonna piss/shit at from any movement that requires me to move/lift my hips. I'm doing my best to contain it and not to lash out, but I have no more mental energy to endure other stuff/annoyances in addition to that,

Female false assumption: Erection always means that he is sexually aroused.

Male consensus: not always, it could be anxiety, embarrassment or it got touched and more blood started to flow there.

Male false assumption: Women have easy time dating as many men are interested in them.

Female consensus: men don't have to worry about getting pregnant or being assaulted.

Female false assumption: men have easy time dating as they don't have to worry about getting pregnant or being assaulted.

Male consensus: It's hard for us to find a woman who would return the interest.

cuckspace · 2025-08-04T23:09:54+00:00

Female fallacy: I have a degree, a great career and generally have my sh*t together. I have travelled the world, seen everything, tried everything. I also have some very cool tattoos and am great at banter/fluent in sarcasm (my friends think I’m hilarious!). I should be a great catch for any man, but so few are worth my time. Where have all the good men gone?

Male consensus: She has basically made herself into a mirror image of the man she wants, but he’s not attracted to men so he doesn’t find any of the things she mentions attractive. This puts her in the category of being used for sex and then discarded, because her body is the only characteristic that differentiates her from a stereotypical man.

karmew32 · 2025-08-06T14:27:17+00:00

Men believe that women like bad boys and overlook nice guys. In reality, men like mean girls and overlook good girls.

Makuta_Servaela · 2025-08-04T20:21:31+00:00

Housecare. Studies of self-report claim that men self-report spending more time doing housework than women, but I have not met a single married man who I have witnessed doing more housework than a woman does.

I think men overestimate how much they do, and women underestimate how much they do. Women don't really see the active cleaning stuff they do as an activity in itself, while men do.

For example, a mom I know follows her toddler around while he toddles around the house, and she simultaneously watches him, responds to and interacts with him, picks up clothes on the floor to throw them in the hamper, and checks on and adds things to the dinner cooking on the stove.

When her husband is watching the kid, he is usually scrolling his phone while the kid toddles. The more attentive dads I know will play with the kid. They won't multitask, though.

So, when a man does chores, he considers that "I am doing chores for an hour." When he tends to the toddler, he considers that "I am tending to the toddler for an hour" (The attentive dad and the inattentive phone dad think they are equal to each other).

When a man feels overwhelmed by playing with the toddler and complains when mom asks him to help out with the laundry as well, it's because he sees these as two separate tasks.

When a woman feels overwhelmed by 1 hour of work in which she made dinner, did laundry, and tended to the toddler, she sees these as one task.

aslfingerspell · 2025-08-04T23:18:07+00:00

I feel like the idea that men are "emasculated" by being approach by women, or don't want a woman to be "easy" to be either outdated or not as universal as some women think.

A lot of men would be overjoyed or at least interested in being unambiguously approached by a woman. Of course this runs into the "...if she's attractive." qualifier, but that's a different discussion. If a man gets upset at being approached, it's probably because he thinks it's the start of a scam, a distraction for a crime, or simply unattractive. Men being offended at spontaneous sexual attention due to a sheer principled belief in gender roles aren't men I've seen in real life.

As for being "easy", I'd say the real difficulty is in finding someone, easy or not, in the first place. A man who has swiped through hundreds or thousands of people, slogged through dead-end conversations and so on is not going to find a woman who's openly sexual with him and think "How offensive. I wanted to pay for at least two dates before this." There are sexually conservative men out there, but most men are not going to complain that sex should require more effort to achieve. Once again, if he's upset is probably because he thinks it's a scam.

Traditional_Lab1192 · 2025-08-05T00:51:28+00:00

Male fallacy

Men’s Assumption: Lots of men wanting to have sex with you means that you have options.

Women’s consensus: That only counts if we’re looking strictly for sex. Options for relationships are much lower.

Female Fallacy

Women’s Assumption: This guy is being nice and acting like a friend so must want to be my friend. I will treat him like a friend.

Men’s consensus: I was nice to this girl and didn’t make it evident that I wanted to date her because I didn’t want to come on too strong. Now I’m friendzoned

mrfoozywooj · 2025-08-05T02:17:09+00:00

Women thinking money, Career success and status = attraction from men.

Usually its the opposite, nobody wants to date some corporate lady, theyre boring AF.

Money also really dosent move the needle for men, best if gets them is a few more second chances but its not an attractor like it is when the situation is reversed.

alwaysright0 · 2025-08-04T19:41:38+00:00

The fact men judge women for having sex disproves your mens consensus

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ClevelandSpigot · 2025-08-05T15:54:13+00:00

Mens' false assumption: "Women withhold sex to manipulate men" (a recent one).

Female consensus was: Wrong. Women don't withhold sex, they genuinely don't want it if there's conflict with their partner.

Maybe this is an anomaly, but in the FDS circles, one of their strategies is to withhold sex as a punishment and to manipulate. But, there are also hormones involved. My ex-wife went through early peri-menopause, which eliminated her hormones in her mid-40s, and the sex permanently stopped at that point. We were married for another five years after that, though. And it was her that left me.

Sure, there are possible cures through modern science, but we shouldn't have to go that route (unless it was due to some injury or damage). Humans more than fifty years ago did not have those options.

Meanwhile, the only time men get affection is during intimacy.

SmallEdge6846 · 2025-08-05T21:31:42+00:00

I hate how theres a perception of Men in relationships that they always seem to be hypersexualised. 'Oh they must want sex all the time '. Sometimes I like to make a grilled cheesesandwich

ZookeepergameNo631 · 2025-08-06T00:03:19+00:00

All of them.

Mydragonurdungeon · 2025-08-04T19:27:08+00:00

Not wanting sex with your partner when there's a controversy is withholding sex im not understanding. Seems like one of those things women insist is different because it feels different to them.

wtknight · 2025-08-04T20:15:37+00:00

Women assume that just because a man is attracted to and wants to look at other women that he is losing interest in her. While it might be disrespectful for a man to do this in a society that values monogamy and if a man’s partner asks for monogamy, at the same time there is no reason that a man can’t be attracted to or even in love with two women at once.

Women assume that men are like them in that, if he’s interested in other women, then he’s no longer interested in her. However, men are wired for polygyny and not serial monogamy like women are, who usually only have an interest in one man and then lose interest in him if he screws up somehow or if she meets a better man.

ClevelandSpigot · 2025-08-05T15:46:17+00:00

That women think that men are intimidated by successful women, and that men are scared to approach women.

Please stop. Men are annoyed by the typical personality of successful women, and we are not scared to approach women. Just weary or concerned. It's not a phobia. It's self-defense.

In case anyone wanted me to elaborate on my first point, a woman will proudly proclaim that she has a job and pays all her bills and rent. Good job. That's bare minimum. And, on top of that, it doesn't impress us, because, we would not have access to those resources, and women still expect men to pay. So, bragging about that is pointless.

IridikronsNo1Fan · 2025-08-04T19:47:49+00:00

Women are kind of really bad at understanding male emotions. Guys don't have trauma because of something that happened 10 years ago, nor do guys hold on to emotions for longer than a couple of hours. That's why therapy is largely useless for guys. If something isn't causing active distress, guys don't keep on agonizing about it.

9/10 even really bad emotional states can be handled by taking the edge off with some beer.

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