Q4M: do you consider yourself a gentleman?

Downtown_Werewolf_44 · 2025-03-28T07:52:56+00:00

First of all, I'm french and the fact that she was ghosted doesn't surprise me at all. Split check is really common in French dating, especially for a first date and I would say it's the norm for the younger generations. Lots of women don't want to be in a situation where the feel kind of pressured into physical contact because the guy was nice and paid for her meal and I totaly get that. So the guy wanting to split the check isn't soemthing weird.

I tend to say, as a dude, it's more "elegant" to propose to pay, let the girl decline politely and agree to split. It's a silly little dance but it makes everyone feel better about it. Altought, in that case, she would never have decline so dude was smart to directly ask to split. But I got to say, asking the split is totaly ok in my book, most progressive men does that and it should be a green flag for feminist women (I'm surprised it's not the case for the one I know).

So, with that interaction, she didn't learn anything about her date being a gentleman or not. But he learned that she's a pain in the ass and he was totaly in his right to let her go (even if he should have been a little more classy than ghost her).

To answer the question, Yes I'm a gentleman, I'm old fashioned on that aspect and I like that. Most women love men who cares about little attention and I do feel it is a plus , as long as you don't overdo it and make it goofy.

YetAnotherCommenter · 2025-03-28T06:12:17+00:00

If "gentleman" means a man who will always pay the check for a woman whom he is dating, the answer is no. Admittedly I don't engage in dating but if I were to, I'm not going to subsidize the other person's presence (irrespective of their sex).

After all, a date should be an exploratory event in which both partners ascertain if a romantic relationship with the other would be a good investment opportunity (note: I am not speaking in purely fiscal terms here - emotional investment is investment!).

In addition, to be utterly blunt, the kind of woman who demands the man pay for her mere presence could never (for me) be a good investment opportunity. So frankly I don't mind the fact that some women so proudly insist the man pay for them because this lowers my Search & Information Costs by automatically ruling them out of consideration.

Peeloin · 2025-03-28T06:09:52+00:00

If your idea of "gentleman" is that I will pay for all your meals then I am not one. I personally get a bit turned off if you don't even offer to pay your share. I think first dates should be a *pay your share* thing since you don't know if you actually like each other yet.

just_a_place · 2025-03-28T06:29:01+00:00

"Gentleman" is girl code for sucker or a clown. So hell fucking no, I'm nobody's fool and it's fucking insulting that women even think they can manipulate modern men like this. That french guy did the right thing, kudos for him!

NockerJoe · 2025-03-28T08:12:32+00:00

Absolutley not. I don't consider myself any form of aristocrat and I never signed on for any particular code of chivalry. I date adult modern women, not storybook ladies or mid century upper class heiresses.

Gentlemen go after ladies, and ladies are balls of repression and expectations. Like 90% of the problems dudes in spaces like this have come from trying to be gentlemen and dating the kinds of women who demand gentlemen, instead of normal women who live in the real world.

Nidken · 2025-03-28T07:07:33+00:00

This "real man" stuff is always just narcissism and shaming in disguise. You might or might not be a gentleman depending entirely on what expectations or standards the other person has.

Nobody seems to knows what it means to be a "lady" and even insinuating that there are specific conditions for that title will get you cancelled. Maybe it's time men start getting treated the same way.

nsfwthrowaway6996 · 2025-03-28T08:49:07+00:00

By this woman's definition of gentleman, then no. I require separate checks till the relationship is been defined as exclusive. This is a hard line for me.

The thing is I'm not looking for someone to cook or clean for me. I'm been a caregiver since a young age. I know how to run a house inside and outside. This has made me picky with the women I date. During the "talking and finding out" phase I expect the other person to pull their weight in terms of effort in pursuing a relationship on a equal footing.

I wouldn't have asked to see this woman again after the first date. I'm just not what she is looking for and she is not what I'm looking for. That's fine, let's just move on.

Londo__Mollari · 2025-03-28T07:03:50+00:00

Not at all, except to the old ladies (obviously not romantically, or financially, but I have an instinct to be a gentleman with them )

I don't really do that shit with girls. I can only approach people on an equal level, even if I wanted to I don't have it in me. I wouldn't want to date anyone who expects me to pay or treat her like a princess or what not, though mutual treating is totally fine when you build that kind of a dynamic. I don't do expensive dates either, just some drinks and a walk.

Friedrich_Friedson · 2025-03-28T08:51:21+00:00

Her frustration with how hard it is to find a gentleman she deserves

Lol

How about yoy snap back to reality and that is 2025 and women now go 50/50?

She confronted him about it and he said he'd pay fully for the next date. But after the date was over he leaves her on read....

My guess is that he said that in order not to cause a scene,but he was like completely flabbergasted and annoyed by her

antariusz · 2025-03-28T07:47:40+00:00

No. And I highly doubt that she “deserves” anything. Because good women aren’t talking shit about men and whoring themselves out for validation on social media.

woodclip · 2025-03-28T08:34:45+00:00

In this clip, an American woman living in France talks about her recent first date with a guy there. The date was going well until it was time to pay. Then he requested separate checks! She confronted him about it and he said he'd pay fully for the next date. But after the date was over he leaves her on read....

He sounds like someone who can effortlessly get women. That's why he can afford to not be a "gentleman" (whatever that means). But don't worry, all the women he's pumped and dumped will settle down with nice guys who'll turn out to be "proper gentlemen".

growframe · 2025-03-28T11:42:08+00:00

How are you defining "a gentleman"? I've found that some women tend to use terms like "real man" "man up" and "gentleman" as a euphemism for a sucker they can exploit.

onlyaseeker · 2025-03-28T08:44:43+00:00

Why do men need to pay for women's food on dates? I know why they want men to pay for it, but why should they? It's sexist.

Superannuated_punk · 2025-03-28T06:20:44+00:00

Woman goes to different country. Is upset it’s different.

Gentleman is a pretty nebulous concept. I mean - I try to be polite and courteous. I consider the feelings of the people around me. I’m not going to put myself first unless I feel like there’s a particular reason to do so.

But assuming every woman wants the full Bridgerton box-and-dice? Nah.

TBH, if I went on a tinder date and wasn’t jazzed about a second, I’d probably ask for separate bills. I got no skin in the game. I don’t think that’s rude.

Pepes_parrillaXXX69 · 2025-03-28T11:26:12+00:00

So is a gentleman just a man who will allow gold-diggers to walk over him?

That's just an idiot.

Kudos for the man in the video

Barely-moral · 2025-03-28T10:42:58+00:00

Her frustration with how hard it is to find a gentleman she deserves

Deserves? There is no such thing as "deserve". You get your worth in the market. That is all. She is not worth a meal. That is all.

made me wonder if men even view themselves that way anymore. Do you consider yourself to be a proper gentleman?

No. I am not. I can act like one even if we expand the definition to talk about more than just paying for things. But it is a mask.

I have no problems with gold digging behavior. Nothing against transactional relationships. But if a woman is obviously with me for my money then I will make her earn it in fair trade.

psych0ticmonk · 2025-03-28T13:08:58+00:00

her instagram post history suggests she is mainly interested in taking financial advantage of men

Goonerlouie · 2025-03-28T12:40:10+00:00

Idk if gentleman differs from typical “nice guy” behaviour. Like opening doors, ladies first etc. I see it as an old fashioned mindset.

Now with paying, I value time over money so I would be willing to pay almost always. I do feel I would need to compensate people for their time with me, however let’s hope I never have to go on a date ever

reallinustorvalds · 2025-03-28T07:22:27+00:00

Yes. I don't like blowjobs. I have never busted on a woman's face or in her mouth because I respect women so much. I would never want to do anything disrespectful to a woman.

Even when I am having doggy-style sex, I avoid looking at the woman's butthole because I know they are shy about that. Sometimes I get an overwhelming urge to stare into her third-eye, but my resolve to be a true and noble gentleman always prevails. This is what it means to be a high-value man, take notes fellas.

I think the world should be run by women. They are all queens.

wizardnamehere · 2025-03-28T07:47:16+00:00

In France it's more normal to have split checks than in the US.

Do you consider yourself to be a proper gentleman?

Nah.

Only-Plate590 · 2025-03-28T10:41:57+00:00

I'm a gentleman.

If I take a woman out and she thinks that's a free invitation to order food she couldn't afford to pay for herself I'd pay the bill without issue.

But she's in the bin.

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Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2025-03-28T07:53:58+00:00

Well this is a bit complicated, I was called gentleman because of my gender neutral generous behaviour (and the fact I am old school in the topic of dating) but I haven't reached the style and amount of money I need to give the kind of princess treatment I want for my partner

I see Roger Moore in James Bond "Live and Let Die" as a good example of what a gentleman is

Kind_Parsley_6284 · 2025-03-28T10:31:36+00:00

I think the problem is that the term “gentleman” is often selectively defined usually in ways that benefit whoever’s using it. If a man expects respect, kindness, emotional maturity, and effort from a woman, is he being “a gentleman” or “entitled”? Depends who you ask.

As for the date: he communicated clearly, offered to pay next time yet she was still upset because her entitlement wasn’t met, not because he was rude or disrespectful. Wanting a free meal isn’t the same as wanting a gentleman.

So yeah, I value respect, integrity, and self-restraint. But I also value reciprocity. I’m not going to perform outdated roles for someone who doesn’t see me as equally deserving of care. Being a gentleman shouldn’t mean being a doormat with a wallet.

BeepBeepYeah7789 · 2025-03-28T12:18:36+00:00

My general attitude and demeanor toward others isn't based on the size of my wallet.

/thread

Tristan103076 · 2025-03-28T12:18:44+00:00

Let's dig into what a gentelman is and, by extension, what a lady is as well.

A gentelman is a chivalrous, courteous, and/or honorable man. Chivalrous is defined as courteous and gallant, especially toward women. Courteous is defined as polite, respectful, or considerate in manner. Honorable is defined as bringing or worthy of honor.

Whereas a lady is defined as a courteous, decorous, or genteel woman. Decorous is in keeping with good taste and propriety; polite and restrained. Genteel is polite, refined, or respectable, often in an affected or ostentatious way.

Perhaps a better question would be, why do women consider that they deserve to be treated like a lady?

Let's be honest. Most people don't date with intention or are dating multiple people at the same time. While both men and women should approach each other with courtesy and respect. But women are asking for traditional treatment while most are not acting in a traditional manner.

Now, when I say "not acting in a traditional manner," what I mean is that, when it was normalized for men to do all the things women want, the man didn't have to worry about how many other guys she had on her roster. For me personally, conplete gentelmanly treatment is reserved for the woman I am in a committed, exclusive relationship with. A woman I am meeting for the first date simply gets my good manners and polite conversation.

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2025-03-28T13:01:26+00:00

This discussion is (to me) one of the biggest indicators of which men have been on more than 5 dates and which men probably haven’t been on any.

This is always a non-issue. When the bill comes, the misogynistic waitress hands it to me. I put my card in and hand it back without stopping the conversation with my date as if nothing happened. Maybe about 1/3 the time, my date will offer to split, in which case that’s fine, we put both cards in the sleeve.

Never have I ever had a girl act “impressed” that I paid. Never have I ever had a girl thank me for not making a big deal out of who paid. I usually get a “thank you” at some point for paying, to which I say “you’re welcome” and then continue whatever we were talking about.

I saw a female influencer say she judges men if they agree to split the bill when she asks. That’s absolutely wild. Why would I argue with a woman on a first date about something so trivial?

If you want a man who isn’t a fuckboy… a guy who talks about whether or not to split the bill has little to no expirence dating. So there’s that.

ConsistentPieGuy · 2025-03-28T22:29:34+00:00

I think the term gentleman is sexist and the expectation of a man to be one is sexist. Chivalry and doing things for someone just because they happened to spawn into this world with a vagina still amazes me and angers me.

Entitlement is just absolutely disgusting to me, especially when it's directed towards total strangers. Why on earth does anyone think "I want a man who does stuff for me, treats me like a princess, makes ME feel like I'm important" is okay and a positive thing? It should be equal, no word for that. Just someone who treats you right, but we only hear women say this. "I want a man who respects women and treats me right". Everyone wants that, but we don't hear men always verbalizing this shit.

So no, I'm not a slave, aka a gentleman. I used to be when my mind was poisoned with this gender role bullshit but fuck that noise.

Mick427 · 2025-03-28T22:43:30+00:00

gentleman she deserves

Deserves?🤣🤣

No I used to be a gentleman, thankfully modern western women helped alleviate me of that disability.

Today I'm the ultimate feminist - believing in total equality between the sexes.

KhadgarIsaDreadlord · 2025-03-29T17:30:00+00:00

Being a gentlemen is not being a food dispenser. For me a gentleman is a man who takes care of himself properly, treats everyone with respect, has manners, is humble, has his own ideals and stands by them, someone who always takes the high road when confronted. We can also add that a gentleman doesn't have to accomodate others' opinions on what a gentleman is.

That said I'm not a gentleman. I'm a petty fuck who believes that if someone wrongs me then I have a moral obligation to return it tenfold to make an example out of them. Works suprisingly well.

Schleudergang1400 · 2025-03-31T08:33:05+00:00

My ego requires women to pay for their own orders. I need to know women are in my company for me, not for the free drinks/food. I consider myself to be a gentleman (benevolent sexism) who pushes boundaries.

wtknight · 2025-03-28T12:47:17+00:00

I’m a cheap gentleman. But yeah, I’ll pay for the first coffee date and then not expect anything sexual. First dates are for people to get to know each other and figure out if they are actually compatible.

If we get along and she makes just as much or more money as me, then she should offer to pay half for any future expensive dates.

I’m married now and have never dated anyone who made an equal or greater amount of money than me, though. So this is hypothetical.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2025-03-28T13:50:43+00:00

I think I knew how to act like a proper gentleman on a date. Or when social situations called for it.
But I was always more a junkyard dog.

James_M_Croft · 2025-04-16T19:16:22+00:00

No. I am no gentleman and I think of it as an insult.

Title	Q4M: do you consider yourself a gentleman?
Author	Windmill_flowers
Upvotes	0
Comments	219
Date	March 28, 2025 6:00 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1jloeir/q4m_do_you_consider_yourself_a_gentleman/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4m-do-you-consider-yourself-a-gentleman.1547871 https://theredarchive.com/post/1547871

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