Normalize breaking up because you’re unsatisfied; you don’t have to wait until everything’s burning

barbedwiredaisycrown · 2021-07-29T17:16:53+00:00

Holy shit this! Thank you for saying this!

People act like you gotta roll out A-Z exhibits and evidence and you gotta be practically perfect to justify leaving some scrote. The second you aren't HAPPY there, is your first clue to go. We gotta normalize this.

Pornruinedsociety · 2021-07-29T18:07:38+00:00

I think you kind of are being stolen from if your relationship is unfulfilling and your needs aren't being met, your time is valuable and precious, it should not be wasted on people who don't treasure you or don't make you feel loved, it is like being robbed.

Edit I'm tired of the person who leaves because their needs weren't being met, being blamed, when the person they were with had treated them as disposable and taken them for granted.

MyBeautifulSweetsong · 2021-07-29T17:17:07+00:00

Thank you for this. I also tell this to women who are waiting for the next big "incident". If you are waiting for an incident the relationship is over.

You don't need for something to happen or an argument so you can rage dump him.

Tell him you have been thinking about it and it doesn't work for you. Or if you need to use an incident use the last incident and tell him it isn't sitting right with you and you changed your mind about " giving him a chance to show you".

You have the right to change your mind I don't care if he feels that's going back on your word. It's your right.

PeanutButterPigeon85 · 2021-07-29T19:30:31+00:00

Oh yes. I once broke up with a man I'd dated for two years. The day after our break-up, he sent me a long-winded email complaining that it wasn't fair that I broke up with him, that he deserved the chance to "make his case," that our break-up couldn't just be a one-sided decision, etc., etc.

This was from the man who'd cheated on me with a stripper and then told me that it was my fault he'd done it. This is from the same man who blamed me when he over-ate and gained weight. It's from the same man who couldn't hold down a job for more than three months because he kept fighting with his bosses and then came up with an elaborate story about how really, it was my fault that he was chronically unemployed.

I'm sure that if I'd told my ex that I wanted to break up and then let him "make his case," he would have spun a tale of woe and victimhood, slathering on the guilt until I felt like I had to stay. I'm glad I didn't give him a chance to do that. I had put up with a lot in that relationship -- way too much -- and when I was done, I was done.

uaintshieeet · 2021-07-29T17:30:03+00:00

Months after my most recent breakup, NVX sends me this long ass email explaining how he just couldn’t believe “the woman I loved and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with has left me.”

Ummm, no sir: There was no ring on my finger but plenty of bruises on my arms. You LITERALLY pushed me away and now I could care less to wOrK oN oUr rELaTIOnShiT

ello-motto · 2021-07-29T19:23:31+00:00

Awkward moment when you come from a culture of loyalty to your family, and learning to "stick through the hard times", to the point where this becomes a model of what "love" is. This then carries through to LVMs who don't deserve it in relationships and you end up staying longer than you should have because you wanted to make it work. 🙄

shockingupdate · 2021-07-29T21:16:04+00:00

If you feel happier alone than with your partner, it’s time to choose happiness

jupitarianrise · 2021-07-29T17:32:46+00:00

It happened to me once. I stayed in a relationship that was unsatisfying to me, my partner didn’t cheat, he wasn’t abusive, he didn’t play games, but he took me for granted after a while and stopped making efforts to seduce me.

I ended up resenting him, I tried to tell him I was unhappy and bored, he did try to seduce me again, but it was too little, too late. I hated him for even putting me in this position.

From now on, if I’m unhappy in a relationship, I’ll just leave. I don’t have to stick around and give the guy another chance. I can do whatever the hell I want. Men do it all the time.

MamaGia · 2021-07-29T19:11:00+00:00

Yes yes yes yes yes. I'd also add - teach young people how to leave relationships.

aHopelessOptimist · 2021-07-29T17:16:06+00:00

Yes! Staying stuck somewhere you don't feel happy is self sabotage and time wasting! I look back on a relationship I stayed in out of guilt and some of the negatives didn't hit me til later on, and now I'm like "I stayed way too long!"

BasieSkanks · 2021-07-29T18:58:44+00:00

It's actually shocking how many people believe they need a 'valid' reason to break up with someone. Not wanting to be with them is reason enough. Women especially feel like they need to write a treatise as to why they should break up with him. Say no to that.

Yellowsunflowerlover · 2021-07-29T18:01:26+00:00

THIS 100%!!!!

I have struggled with this my whole life. And I'm grateful for the first time ever, I'm single and sticking to it. Staying in a relationship when you're unsatisfied just because you don't have "major red flags" to show and explain, is exhausting as hell.

IndigoTR · 2021-07-29T19:49:53+00:00

I broke up with my first serious bf this way and looking back I am so proud of my young self. I am thankful I started it early because I have been extricating myself from bad relationships early on ever since!

Ironsculpture · 2021-07-29T19:13:24+00:00

Also normalize never calling decisions women make regarding their own lives and relationships "harsh". It's just another way to shame women for taking control of their lives and not tolerating lvm.

HumanAdhesiveness360 · 2021-07-29T21:10:00+00:00

I was stuck because we had a baby. Then he decided he doesnt need to work or do anything else and became this dude in my kitchen that wont leave. Having a kid is the only reason leaving someone becomes complicated

HereForTheFreeFoodOk · 2021-07-30T01:59:14+00:00

This is what the film Marriage Story with Scarjo and Adam Driver was about.

Scarjo's character had a picture perfect life. Successful husband who doted on their child, a creatively ( if not somewhat limited) creative career...

However the reason she left Charlie ( Adam Driver's character ) is because she was unfulfilled. She wanted to reach her potential.

Often, in marriage, it is the woman who sacrifices so a man can reach his potential.

She recognised that being the 'servant' in the relationship was slowly killing her. She was 100% supportive of his goals but he was consistently neutral and meh about hers.

This is why Marriage Story is an awesome film. It is a story about a woman who is brave enough to stand up and say "I deserve to reach my potential".

You don't see stories like that - EVER.

up_d00t · 2021-07-29T19:14:14+00:00

I once broke up with someone and was told my reason for breaking up with him wasn't good enough. I wasn't looking for permission. I was just doing him the favour of not just ghosting.

It's important to be happy. It's also important to know what you're willing to accept in a relationship. There will always be give and take. It's just ensuring you maintain your personal boundaries.

FrenchHeel · 2021-07-30T02:07:27+00:00

Or the idea that you have to catch him red handed and have proof of cheating.

If it makes you unhappy that he is close to another woman, hard to reach, not around when you need him, acts shady, or any of those other tip offs that us enough. Whether he actually is cheating or not, it’s enough .

If you feel that you can’t trust him, then set him free.

WildTenderness · 2021-07-29T20:41:15+00:00

Ugh.. I needed this at the beginning of this year. Made a new friend late 2020 and she convinced me to "communicate" lol. Was pretty sure it wasn't going to work but just wanted to prove it to her. Wasted a month of my time hoping the dude would take me on an actual date.

Fetus92 · 2021-07-29T18:11:35+00:00

It also is rarely ever “fine” either. I stayed way longer than I should have with my ex, talked myself out of breaking up with him over and over again, and he ended up breaking up with me because I was becoming increasingly passive aggressive. After processing the heartbreak I realized all the the things I put up with and that made me feel unhappy/unloved were HUGE red flags! We often times downplay how bad we are being treated or gaslight ourselves into believing it’s okay. What seems like just “being unhappy” or “feeling under appreciated” really ends up being huge markers for abuse either at the moment or down the road.

If you at any moment feel like you want/need to leave, leave. Don’t try to justify it as “it’s not that bad” or “at least he’s not doing x”. Red flags are red flags for a reason, and I firmly believe that our bodies and subconscious mind have a way of seeing these red flags way sooner than we can consciously perceive them because we are so used to justifying men’s behavior in our conscious mind.

I also firmly believe that breaking that cycle of thought that has essentially been conditioned into us by a patriarchal society will allow us to actually accept what is staring us right in the face. Once we start putting into practice the idea of not accepting even the littlest bit of uncertainty about a man, we can start bringing forward the (essentially) self-defense mechanism that we have but have often ignored from our bodies and subconscious.

krissycole87 · 2021-07-29T18:56:18+00:00

This was me in my last relationship. Towards the end I felt as if we were just like really good friends. There was nothing glaringly "wrong" with our relationship. He was a nice guy, was into me, we never fought, and he was more than happy to just coast on forever in our boring ass relationship. I just simply wasnt feeling it any more. Not the special kind of way. I debated this feeling for like 3 months, waiting for a "good time" to break it to him. Then one day I just text him and asked him to meet me after work and told him it was over. He begged me for reasons and I said I simply fell out of love. Even a year later he text me and said he didnt understand the "reason" we broke up, and I stated again that I just simply fell out of love and was not satisfied with our relationship. He kept saying "but WHY but WHY" and I said the answer is that I was no longer in love with him and that this would be the last time I explained that to him. I blocked him after that. It took me a long time to realize that it was ok for me to want to end it for no other reason besides that it just wasnt doing it for me.

Daciana_Days · 2021-07-30T01:59:57+00:00

Yes! This. There is actually a book I've read and recommend to all my female friends who are in these situations. It's called "too good to leave, too bad to stay".

You are allowed to be happy, you don't have to stay in unfulfilled meh relationships just because it's not a dumpster fire of DV.

GabbaG0ul · 2021-07-30T00:41:05+00:00

Also normalize not shaming a woman for leaving a relationship. Because THIS is the real reason they stay.

hyperjinxx · 2021-07-30T05:19:51+00:00

✨NORMALIZE BREAKING OFF ENGAGEMENTS TOO✨

Just because you initially said yes and changed your mind doesn’t mean you HAVE to suffer the rest of your life. You are allowed to change your mind. Your feelings are valid.

Elegaunt · 2021-07-29T19:19:00+00:00

Good post. LVM bounce at the least little bit of strife. Or stonewall you into compliance to avoid the consequences of their actions.

Why in the world should we keep supporting men and a system in general that causes us to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of keeping a bond that was one-sided to begin with? I'm so over it.

ilovewinniethepooh · 2021-07-29T21:13:45+00:00

I sorely wish there was more of a “dumping” culture introduced earlier in my life. Feel mediocre about someone? Bye bye! Lose your attraction after he says something incredibly ignorant and stupid? Bye bye!

Yes, of course it always sounds mean. But people should be learning much much earlier then they are that you can leave anyone for any reason you want, and people are allowed to leave you for any reason they want. I understand loneliness sucks, but that’s something for every individual to work on by themselves, ironically.

Also, I stumbled upon the advice long after it was useful - ask yourself whether you even like the other person, and don’t worry about whether they like you.

So many things could be solved if relationships weren’t always seen as a “fix” or “solutions” to your life’s problems. They aren’t. Those “fixes”, if they go on long enough, lead to miserable marriages.

Boondersnoontch · 2021-07-29T21:15:38+00:00

Any sign of emotional immaturity FOLLOWED BY an unwillingness to understand why what he said was wrong/hurtful is grounds for a break-up from me. Nobody gets it all right but if he’s gonna gaslight / manipulate / shame me instead of owning his mistake, bye. BYE.

lolmemberberries · 2021-07-29T23:35:37+00:00

Thank you for saying this! I used to stay too long in relationships out of guilt.

smg222888 · 2021-07-30T01:52:49+00:00

I did this today. There was a lot right but i just didn’t feel the passion. It’s painful, but it burns so good knowing I’m being true to what i deserve.

Lavender_flow · 2021-07-29T19:35:57+00:00

Exactly! I see so many women who in my social circles settle for absolute asshats who bring them down. Normalize breaking up with shitty people. A person does not have to be abusive to be a lousy partner.

FDS-GFY · 2021-07-29T19:46:04+00:00

But can’t you ComMunICaTE to me why? 🤣

Ambitious_Cup5774 · 2021-07-29T21:39:50+00:00

Neglect in a relationship is a huge red flag and if you're with someone for a long time who neglects you, it will mess with your self esteem. Men need to be actively contributing to a relationship otherwise its damaging!

andwhenwillitbegin · 2021-07-29T21:17:31+00:00

I wish I read this 10 years ago. As it was, i let my relationship go to 8 years before I left.

This is a very important message. I’m going to make sure all the women in my life know this.

curiousandbashful · 2021-07-29T21:24:02+00:00

It's just like with jobs. Don't like what you are doing and see no future with the place you are at? THEN GO! Elsewhere or start your own thing.

We don't have to be content with bleh; that's just fear. And I can't think of a single time I've been happy/content and afraid at the same time. 😉

discoveringliberty · 2021-07-30T07:22:39+00:00

The voting ratio on this post is hilarious - 2.7k likes is a very high number for an FDS post, yet the upvote ratio isn't even at 90%. WHO could get mad at such a sensible, mild post? (rhetorical question, we all know who haha).

IndividualRoutine661 · 2021-07-29T21:41:53+00:00

This is the post I needed to read tonight. Recently broke up because I just wasn’t feeling treasured. Yes, that is indeed reason enough

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2021-07-29T23:03:18+00:00

Oh my God the number of times I’ve been talking to a scrote and they somehow share their opinion that “Nobody really tries anymore in relationships these days. Everyone just always gives up so easily.”

You just know it comes from an ex girlfriend ‘giving up on him.’

It is coercive indoctrination to encourage struggle love.

“Why are you giving up on us so easily? I thought you were stronger than this? Aren’t we in this together?”

🤮

VividPsychology7 · 2021-07-30T09:56:57+00:00

I love this! Men do it all the time, so why can’t we?

angelsofadversity · 2021-07-29T21:51:25+00:00

Omg ladies I wish I followed this. Two years ago a month into Dating my ex who would end up being abusive I broke up with him because I didn't have a good feeling about it. He seemed like a great guy on paper and I had "no reason" to end it asides from little nuances (ex: he didn't have the level of education I would want my future spouse to have-- which looking back, is valid!!) and an overall intuition. Well... He bad mouthed me to a bunch of people and basically framed me as crazy which guilted me into APOLOGIZING to him and asking for another chance. Augh pick me flashbacks. We ended up back together for another year and change and let me tell you... Things were good for a couple months but I sadly out myself in a vulnerable situation by moving in with him when I had little income (mom kicked me out of her house because she didn't want a "whore" in her house-- a story for another day honestly) and he eventually became a nightmare.

FDSGYARU · 2021-07-30T08:07:50+00:00

What happens if his family controls everything and you have no resources to get out?

WiggleWormDelux · 2021-07-30T15:34:38+00:00

I agree, the perspective has also changed now that I am married. I read these long things on reddit moaning and debating leaving a relationship, its like dude you arent married just break up! Thats the whole point of relationships before marriage, to see if its a good fit.

scooter_se · 2021-07-29T22:24:50+00:00

You’re looking for your life partner- it’s okay to move on if you’re not completely satisfied in any way. It helped me to more quickly move on when I realized that every minute I spend with a LVM who I know isn’t right for me, is another minute I’m not spending finding my HVM.

I know dating men (especially OLD) feels like digging through a pile of shit, but you can find little gold nuggets of HVMs in that pile if you look long enough and improve your strategy to digging through the shit more easily. The tricky part is finding THE HVM that is perfect for you emotionally, physically, and spiritually. You’re looking for someone who you can seamlessly work with to build a HV marriage and wonderful life; it is okay to be super duper picky about that!

There are some nuggets in the pile of shit that at first glance appear to be gold, but further inspection (extensive vetting) reveals that they’re just turds. Dating is like polishing those nuggets, and we all know a turd won’t shine no matter how long you polish it. Accept it when you’ve found another piece of shit and go back to digging. Don’t keep wasting time on that LVM for a second longer!

reallyuglypuppies · 2021-07-30T00:43:02+00:00

I just did this, and my (ex) partner is apparently really upset with me for not "staying to work on" a relationship I had no interest in any more. No regrets, and even happier that I left someone who seemed to think I owed it to him to put effort into something that was no longer serving me for his sake alone.

Cityshy · 2021-07-30T06:05:14+00:00

My NVM wrote seething blog posts about me after I dumped him, one of which said something about the breakup being God for me and no one else. Like.... Yeah, I don't have to consider what's good for someone else when breaking up with you. As I had to sacrifice my own happiness to keep him happy. If dumping you is selfish, then hell yes I'm selfish. He also confessed if we'd had kids together he'd have petitioned for custody just to spite me and keep me in his life.

lostmillenia · 2021-07-30T21:44:06+00:00

"I verbally abused you and insulted your career and actively attempt to make you feel like shit because, "you just make me so mad at you" but WHYYYYYYY do you want to abandon us?" -Some Scrote with Audacity who doesnt want to lose the roof over his head

Title	Normalize breaking up because you’re unsatisfied; you don’t have to wait until everything’s burning
Author	veruscka
Upvotes	3143
Comments	102
Date	July 29, 2021 4:50 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ou19wl/normalize_breaking_up_because_youre_unsatisfied/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/normalize-breaking-up-because-youre-unsatisfied.795573 https://theredarchive.com/post/795573

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