Denying sex in a marriage should be considered cheating.

Direct-Alternative70 · 2024-09-17T22:46:00+00:00

I’m in a deadbedroom and it’s definitely not on my end. Marriage doesn’t mean guaranteed sex. Putting that into law makes marital rape legal as well as potentially ruining any marriage where there is health issues both physical and mental.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2024-09-17T13:00:38+00:00

I don’t remember part of the vows ever being “ I promise to fuck you constantly even when I’m not in the mood”. Men need to get over their wife appliance not functioning like they do in their dreams or in their favorite porno.

apresonly · 2024-09-17T21:15:29+00:00

men are really saying they want marital rape to be legal at the same time they are advocating for an end to no fault divorce.

terrifying.

luneywoons · 2024-09-17T13:23:53+00:00

Soooo you should absolutely get consent before you have sex—married or not because what the fuck

Andddd so many of you sound like absolutely terrible partners and just really terrible human beings as a whole so I’m glad that a bunch of you aren’t with anybody because god help that person.

Thirdly—a bunch of you make sex sound like the worst possible activity that anybody can ever even engage in. Like you make it sound skin-crawlingly bad with creepy fuckin vibes to boot rather than the awesome activity that it is.

Last—-I’m so fucking lucky to have found my husband because jesus Christ

Friedrich_Friedson · 2024-09-17T13:07:33+00:00

TIL once you are married you are sex slave and in the mercy of the whims of your partner.

Sex is always a mutual thing. If one of the two doesn't want to fuck,you won't fuck. And if one of the two doesn't feel sexually fullfiled in the relationship,he/she should break up with the other person.

ConanTheCybrarian · 2024-09-17T17:20:44+00:00

my vows didn't mention sex at all
none of the vows at any of the weddings I've ever been to mentioned sex
why is it always "you're denying me something I am entitled to" and never "I'm not making you aroused, interested, or in the mood" ?

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-09-17T15:56:37+00:00

Impressive mental gymnastics but you didn't quite stick the landing. Cheating in a monogamous relationship means that you stepped out on the singular person you agreed to have an exclusive romantic relationship with (the "mono" part of the whole thing). There's no stepping out with another person/persons, there's no cheating.

"Denying sex" is so broad that it can mean anything from "I'm not always in the mood, so we don't always have sex whenever he feels like it" to "We never have sex". Never having sex with your partner would be a pretty big issue, that might be a sign that the relationship should end and that you should both find partners that are more sexually compatible with you. Not dropping your pants whenever the other person feels like it is pretty reasonable, getting married doesn't give the other person ownership of your weiner or hoo-ha.

Fair-Bus-4017 · 2024-09-17T20:05:59+00:00

Nowhere in the vows did you disclose that you two would fuck. It is not cheating nor breaking any vows. Now stop bitching and moaning about this issue.

Because the reasons why women deny sex is because there is something wrong with them, because you aren't satisfying them in the bedroom, or because you just aren't treating them well.

So have some empathy and start treating your lady well and things like this won't be a lasting issue.

Gillionaire25 · 2024-09-17T21:54:15+00:00

Does that mean all the men who are not providing orgasms to their wives are cheating?

SaBahRub · 2024-09-17T14:17:43+00:00

No, sexlessness is sexlessness

Half the posts in r/deadbedrooms are from women

obviousredflag · 2024-09-17T14:34:31+00:00

It's cheating on the vows itself.

I am not an expert on marriage vows, but to my knowledge, they are (1) personal and (2) do not contain vows to never deny sex in a marriage on a regular basis, if at all.

There are no rules what you can consider cheating. If that is cheating to you, divorce or have any other consequences for it.

Now, for social stigma, you need people to regard your rules as sensible. Not allowing a partner to deny sex is not sensible and everyone wants to be able to do that.

In my opinion, that is a typical incel perspective on relationships, where a man always wants sex and never denies his wife. Which is not how it goes. You will not be able to stigmatize every marriage because you have a fear of ending upp in a dead bedroom because you believe manosphere lies and think you are a betabuxxer who will only ever find a wife who doesn't want to have sex with you.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-09-17T14:45:00+00:00

Which vow is this? I think I must've skipped the part of the vows that said "I'm entitled to rape my husband and must let him rape me". I'm pretty sure we promised to care for and about each other? What kind of marriage do you have if not forcing yourself to be violated to cater to your partner's whims is considered some horrible transgression?

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-09-17T13:36:36+00:00

You know the difference between not having sex with your spouse and having sex with someone else?

That’s the sex with someone else.

24-sa3t · 2024-09-17T15:02:54+00:00

Seems like you're mad because you're not getting laid right now lol

bluestjuice · 2024-09-17T17:23:41+00:00

Look, words have meanings. I think if you get married and your sex life deteriorates you can be big mad about it but it’s not cheating.

Cheating isn’t a special bonus kind of awful that we need to lump everything shitty a partner can do into that category just to give it weight. It’s one kind of shitty thing a person can do to you. There are others.

TheRedPillRipper · 2024-09-17T14:24:55+00:00

It’s cheating on the vows

Take this with a grain of salt, but anecdotally, there are a ton of factors. That contribute to a sexless marriage. The biggest key; Communication. It’s all well and good to jump on a high horse, and scream and yell ‘lies’, and ‘betrayal of vowels!’ Yet, once you’ve experienced sexlessness during marriage, it’s important to keep focused on what will address the issue. Anger? Rage and resentment? Might help. Personally however, I know keeping those emotions in check, was far more beneficial. Keeping an open mind, and trying understand each other. To better our communication.

There’s definitely a time to draw a line in the sand. That line, for everyone, differs. If one draws it too soon however, they rob not only their partners of a chance to fix things. They rob themselves of an opportunity, to grow through adversity too. To come out the other side, stronger for it.

Godspeed and good luck!

No_Teacher_3313 · 2024-09-17T16:04:40+00:00

So “denying” your partner sex is a problem? What about if they give in due to your accusing them of cheating or other pressure, but don’t want to? Don’t you feel completely disgusting as a human being engaging in sex with someone who doesn’t want to be having sex with you? And if not, wtf is wrong with you?

That’s a question for you, OP.

I could never imagine framing the issue as someone denying me sex, because a am not a gross, entitled, abusive person. The issue would be my unhappiness that my partner doesn’t want to be having sex with me.

This post is one thousand degrees of fucked up.

ThatBitchA · 2024-09-18T05:09:23+00:00

It's cheating on the vows itself.

Which vows? Could you point those out for me?

I deny my fiancé sex occasionally. He denies me occasionally. Such is long-term relationships. You're not always ready for sex at the same time.

Grown ups, know this about long-term relationships.

AnonPinkLady · 2024-09-17T18:13:05+00:00

Tbh with you the main reason I deny sex is just because my body gets sore after a while 🤦🏻‍♀️ it would hurt a lot if I got zero breaks in between so like… this just sounds painful and awful and I just wouldn’t marry someone if they wanted to hurt me like that

soontobesolo · 2024-09-17T13:44:51+00:00

I don't think it's cheating, and I definitely don't think anyone "owes" their partner duty sex.

However, it's definitely a violation of monogamy, as when there is no sex, there is no monogamy either. It's "nogamy" or something. So there should be zero social stigma (or legal/financial repercussion) against the other spouse to find a lover on the side. They cannot demand monogamy while not satisfying their partner. Expecting the other partner to remain faithful while being denied sex is cruel and unfair.

MisterFunnyShoes · 2024-09-17T14:10:27+00:00

It’s another form of unacceptable behavior in a marriage.

2024-09-17T14:42:15+00:00

I would simply say there's two ways to no longer be monogamous. One way is cheating (sleeping with someone else). The other way is to refuse to participate in sex as an ongoing reality (talking weeks or more like months or years).

A couple that doesn't have sex is abstaining, they aren't being monogamous.

To me this comes down to divorce laws. No fault divorce is needed but the party not leaving should get say over how assets are split.

At fault divorce should be for things like abuse, cheating, etc and forcing abstinence into a relationship should be grounds for an annulment.

alwaysright12 · 2024-09-17T16:34:43+00:00

No one is owed sex.

There are no marriage vows that stare sex is owed.

Sex is either wanted or it isn't. Denied is not a thing.

Makuta_Servaela · 2024-09-17T13:47:02+00:00

"Denying sex" is such a weird phrase. Things can only be "denied" if they are owed, and sex is not owed, nor is it an object that can be broken. It is an act between two people.

leosandlattes · 2024-09-17T14:11:26+00:00

What is “cheating on the vows”? If you get in an argument, can you claim the person who started the fight is cheating on the vows because they are not loving and respecting their spouse? What does this even mean?

And if you aren’t married, denying sex is not cheating because no vows were said? LOL.

Cheating is having an emotional or sexual affair outside of your partner. Why are you trying to include withholding sex into this definition?

RoblesTyler1988 · 2024-09-17T13:47:19+00:00

Denying sex in marriage is not cheating, although I do believe that withholding sex in marriage is just as damaging as cheating and is abusive

AutoModerator · 2024-09-17T06:58:10+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

bifewova234 · 2024-09-17T14:29:32+00:00

This is probably the weakest definitional argument Ive heard in a long time.

OK. What is and isnt "cheating" isnt very clear cut but for the most part "cheating" means engaging a person romantically other than your partner after a reasonable expectation of exclusivity has been established in the relationship.

Definitions arent prescriptive, theyre descriptive. There is no central authority on the english language governing what words mean. This is different than debates over rape definitions, for example, as those actually are prescriptive because it is coming from a governmental authority defining what constitutes a crime. "Cheating" is not a crime per se, but in some places adultery is a crime and thats probably the closest thing. (adultery is a bit different and refers usually to sex outside of marriage rather than violating a relationship's exclusivity)

Perhaps what you should be arguing instead is that repeatedly refusing sex while married to the point where its a "dead bedroom" situation should be judged harshly provided that theres no good reason to. Even then though this is still weak. People change for reasons outside of their control and then they dont want to have sex. They shouldnt be having to have sex if they dont desire it.

wtknight · 2024-09-17T14:55:50+00:00

There should be just as strong of a social stigma against this as there is to cheating in a relationship.

There probably is among men. The minority of women with higher libidos than their husbands probably don’t like it much either.

grillopie · 2024-09-17T20:09:53+00:00

Its not cheating. Cheating is actively deceiving someone. You could consider it sabotaging the relationship, but its not deceptive. Its upfront.

ExcelsiorState718 · 2024-09-17T21:00:17+00:00

Well it's your fault if you get married your basically signing up for whatever nonsense she pulls...It's not cheating but it's alienation of affection...

Not having sex doesn't introduce other people STDS or children into the relationship so I can't say it's the sane as cheating...Cheating would actually be worst than not having sex at all...but both are grounds for divorce

DennistheMenace__ · 2024-09-18T02:37:53+00:00

i see your opinion, and i strongly disagree

Sillysheila · 2024-09-18T05:20:18+00:00

What do you mean by denying sex?

There’s a big difference between a sexless marriage and a person saying no to sex once

Suddenfury · 2024-09-18T09:31:39+00:00

Nah, it's just the end of that relationship. You don't need to overthink it. One of you can't balance their self image as a good, decent person and their indecent sexuality. Being married is only strengthening the good, decent person side.

ExternalBarracuda292 · 2024-09-18T15:19:13+00:00

Marriage, at least in my view, is essentially a vow of commitment to your partner and your relationship. A key portion of this is a commitment to keeping your relationship strong and making your partner happy and sex is a key component of both, so I do broadly agree with the idea that maintaining a healthy sex life is part of the marital responsibilities for both genders.

However, of course this goes both ways. For people who complain about their partner not wanting to have sex often enough, are you also doing all you can to ensure that the sex is enjoyable for your partner and to help with any circumstances that might cause your partner to be stressed or unhappy? It's also not helpful to berate or shame them for their lack of sex drive, as this often makes the problem worse. While circumstances where it really is one partner's fault exist, it's almost always the case that both partners bare some responsibility and open and healthy communication is the best approach (it's also key to any relationship, with or without sexual difficulties).

umlolwat · 2024-09-18T22:06:37+00:00

Oh man nothing gets me more turned on than knowing my wife is sleeping with me out of obligation and fear of a social stigma

concretecannonball · 2024-09-19T08:48:51+00:00

This is scary and weird!

There is nothing in traditional wedding vows that require sexual slavery to your spouse. Getting married to someone does not entitle you to their body. Marriage is not advertised as an all-access pass to someone else’s genitals and if you think that, for the love of all things holy and not, please do not date or marry anyone ever.

jay_de-leon · 2024-09-17T13:12:45+00:00

It’s not cheating but there should be a law that states a man is allowed to get sex outside the marriage and the woman can’t divorce him if she isn’t giving to him.

Or if a man divorces his wife for lack of sex she will be denied alimony and he gets to retain all assets after the divorce is final

the_1st_inductionist · 2024-09-17T15:41:28+00:00

It’s not cheating, so it shouldn’t be considered cheating.

There should be just as strong of a social stigma against this as there is to cheating in a relationship.

No, because that would encourage women to have sex when it’s not beneficial to them (and subsequently not beneficial to the man either). And it would also encourage men to have sex when their wives don’t want it, which is harmful to women and to men. There should be support for happy marriages and opposition to unhappy marriages within the culture, so people pursue happy marriages and don’t let their marriages remain unhappy.

Immediate_Wasabi_920 · 2024-09-17T14:35:08+00:00

It's not cheating, but it is a form of mental abuse.

Crimson-Pilled · 2024-09-17T12:56:55+00:00

Denying sex should be considered rape.

Imaginary_Sleep_6329 · 2024-09-17T17:17:54+00:00

Don't cohabitate with or marry women. It's that simple. You can just ditch them if they're not putting out.

Title	Denying sex in a marriage should be considered cheating.
Author	unbannableBob
Upvotes	0
Comments	269
Date	September 17, 2024 6:58 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1fisejl/denying_sex_in_a_marriage_should_be_considered/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/denying-sex-in-a-marriage-should-be-considered.1530437 https://theredarchive.com/post/1530437

Comments