Stop the "emotional labor"

ResponsibilityAny217 · 2025-06-24T17:54:48+00:00

I think that if women took this approach. It would help in a lot of marriages and relationships. Everything you are doing is optional if u don't want to do it or it's a burden to do you can just stop.

What women should do is take the unappreciated/ unreciprocated time energy and effort and pour it back into themselves. They can do this while in the relationship or after they leave it.

flipsidetroll · 2025-06-24T17:53:08+00:00

Fully agree with everything you say until the end. Having uncomfortable conversations is what grownups do. It’s what we do in relationships too. So yes, emotional labour is bs. But not allowing emotional conversations because you are uncomfortable, makes you a toddler. Not saying anyone can be an emotional dumping ground. But a balance is necessary.

Rozenheg · 2025-06-24T13:17:01+00:00

Emotional labour is emotional labour if the other person isn’t doing their part to regulate their own emotions, take responsibility for their self care, or be part of a team with their partner when it comes to the relationship.

I agree women should stop having conversations about feelings or the relationship with unwilling partners. Given that those conversations are essential to having a relationship, they should also leave partners who are unwilling to (and unwilling to learn to) have those conversations.

Same_Comfortable_821 · 2025-06-24T14:02:33+00:00

I agree. Leave these losers behind instead of trying to get blood from a stone. He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t care about you. Leave it all alone and be free girl.

redpilled2021 · 2025-06-26T11:46:30+00:00

Notice, how most things woman declare as "work" are not measurable in numbers but in "feelings". The reason is so you dont realize how little work the average woman actually does.

Care work, emotional labour, emotional IQ and so on. Hell, they even nowadays claim that math is sexist, cause numbers are too rigid and male:D.

If a jobs success cant be measured in numbers its probably a womans job to uphold some governmental quota. The job isnt necesary, would'nt it be for some legal enforcement to create equality.

Whilst at the same time there is a very complicated measuring system to quantify even the smallest labour a men does. How many cars, roofs, parts he fixed, burgers he flipped in a given time. How much money he brings in, how much meters at what speed he ran during the sports game and so on.

So emotional labour is essentialy the admission, that she isnt doing much at all and now is resorting to calculating fantasy work at her personal "feelings/hour*intensity-rate" to get to a similar level of workload in the relationship as her husband in m²/h vacuuming/mowin and so on.

Why would she do that? Because she feels she isnt as invested as the men and thus must "up her game" to be equally yoked. Its either putting him down or lifting herself up. Which do you think is easier?

Declaring 16 hours of emotional labour everyday compared to his 10 hours workdays, suddenly does sound, like she is working even harder than him and deserves a break from all the emotional labour:D.

Manifestival1 · 2025-06-24T21:38:37+00:00

How did you get from 'coaching or improving him' to 'mental abuse and degrading'?

Emotional support isn't abusive, you sound incredibly confused.

EulenWatcher · 2025-06-24T13:13:37+00:00

First of all, emotional labor isn't just about emotions. The term was intended to include the managing and micromanaging the household. You have to remember the dates, write grocery shopping list, making doctor appointments etc. I'm going to ignore this part further, as it seems you're talking strictly about emotions.

Secondly, you perform emotional labor, as taking care of other's emotions, for everyone around you who you're close with. If your friend is complaining about their boss or their partner, and you listen to them and let them vent, that's emotional labor. If your partner talks about their family issues or work problems, you're doing emotional labor. If you're crying to your partner's shoulder, that's emotional labor as well. It is unavoidable and it is expected.

It becomes a problem when it's one-sided. If your partner doesn't listen to you, if they cannot regulate their emotions themselves whatsoever, if they have mental health issues they refuse to address, if they aren't supportive towards you, but demand support etc.

Just to share personal experience here, on a daily basis I'd say my husband vents to me more than vice versa. He likes talking through his problems and worries, and I'm fine with it, because I know that when I need him he'll be there for me. I do not feel burdened. It is still emotional labor on both of us, but because it's not one-sided, it doesn't cause resentment.

Mammoth_Elk_3807 · 2025-06-24T17:50:20+00:00

Fine. Then stop whining about being alone and unfuckable. Same deal.

No-Mulberry7538 · 2025-06-24T14:26:23+00:00

Eh, many of the studies surrounding the mental and emotional load/labor are self-reported and that brings up bias and validity problems, and lack nuance surrounding these theoretical frameworks. The issue around psych and studies is many of the journalists do not understand how to read and interpret results and what the methods actually mean.

torytho · 2025-06-24T19:59:52+00:00

So is your suggestion for the woman to dump the man rather than try to work with him to improve things? She's unhappy. That's the reason for the 'emotional labor'.

MailenJokerbell · 2025-06-24T17:24:44+00:00

My brother in Christ, you don't even know what emotional labor is if that's what you're posting about.

Emotional labor is not pulling teeth from some emotionally stunted bum, it's having to basically manage/mommy them.

RahLyt · 2025-06-24T15:06:37+00:00

Women were able to change the narrative that they are actually the ones doing emotional labour.

It's impressive lol

AsturaeConiecto · 2025-07-01T09:02:02+00:00

A lot of things women complain about are things they impose to themselves.

Chores are another example of it.

JustBuildAHouse · 2025-06-24T14:22:33+00:00

Also they’ll unironically claim that there is no emotional or mental labor in being the sole provider for the family and that losing your job means being unable to support. No emotional labor at all lmao

socooltoexist · 2025-06-25T01:34:51+00:00

If you think, that communication with a man is a labor, you are coaching or improving him somehow, furthermore you see it as some unpaid work - just stop.

Sure, yes, if talking to anyone makes you exhausted, just stop talking to them.

You take it as a burden, not fun. If you are not enjoying relationships, why are you still there?

Usually, people try to make relationships work. Like, they try not to leave the relationship at the minimum inconvenience, and they try to talk it out to solve the issue.

Most likely, he is not enjoying it too, unless he has a kink for low key mental abuse and degrading. You are not doing him a favor via "emotional labor" you cause more stress by nagging and slowly grinding down his mental.

... I need an example. Like, what type of conversations are you thinking about? Because I'm thinking about something like, let's say, your gf is telling you to do the dishes, and you aren't doing them, and then she does the dishes and is exhausted and tries to talk to you and you don't wanna listen to her.

Women start conversations that are uncomfortable and stressing men about relationships, feelings, demand answers and this indeed not fun, it is harmful for both parties psyche. The fact that you are not really enjoying doesn't make it work. Work is something that creates value, makes things better.

... What? Wait, if you are in a relationship with someone, don't you wanna talk about relationships and feelings? And wouldn't you want answers?

Uncomfortable conversations ARE NECESSARY in a relationship, and being honest with them makes everything easier. Let's say, for example, that your girlfriend wants to get married and you don't. Sure, it is a stressful situation, but it is very shitty to not be upfront and tell your gf "hey, I don't want to get married, this relationship isn't going to work". Obviously she is going to be demanding an answer, she just wants you to say "yes, let's get married!" or "no, let's break up". Just ignoring her isn't going to solve the issue, and it's going to make EVERYONE more stressed out.

Obviously, there are vastly different scenarios, this is just one I could think of. Maybe you can give me an example in which your gf would be wrong to "demand an answer" or a situation where a conversation isn't needed but you see women asking for it nonetheless.

Modern women decided to re-frame their abuse of men as a "mental labor" and make men somehow owe them for that labor. If you think you bear the burden of mental labor through communication - just stop this communication.

Abuse of men?? How are women abusing men by talking about relationships and feelings? Again, maybe you can give me an example. Because, of course, I think there are uncomfortable conversations that need to happen and aren't abusive even if they make us uncomfortable. But there are also people who want to change who you are and want to control you. I think it is unfair to say that all emotional labor is just a way to redefine this type of abuse.

I'm going to make some examples and you can tell me if I understood you correctly.

Let's say that my boyfriend (I'm a woman) is constantly telling me that I'm fat and that I should go to the gym. On one hand, maybe I am actually unhealthy and need to improve myself; on the other hand, maybe I'm not actually unhealthy but my boyfriend prefers thinner women and is nagging me to be his ideal type.

If I'm actually unhealthy, he wouldn't be abusing me by trying to encourage me to go to the gym and get healthy food; maybe I got to this point because I was depressed, I was anxious, etc. My partner can try to help me, but it is also possible that he may get exhausted of trying to show me how unhealthy I've become. And that's fair, you cannot help someone who doesn't want any help or doesn't see the issue, and it is a type of emotional labor to try this constantly. It is emotional labor when you see your partner eating like there is no tomorrow and you try to redirect them to do a different activity; when you see they are depressed and struggling but don't ask for help and don't want to talk about the actual issue or when they do but don't do anything to change their struggles.

[I'm saying all of this as a person who grew up with my dad being overweight; he couldn't walk more than five minutes without running out of breath, my mom would try to help him eat less but he just would eat seconds and thirds. He almost died in his sleep, and that's when he decided to actually change his diet. Obviously, you cannot help someone who doesn't want help, but it is also exhausting to hear someone complain about their weight while you see them eating their third plate of lunch. He's ok now btw, beyond his mental struggles, he also had thyroid issues that needed medication]

If I'm healthy but just a little chubby, and my boyfriend is constantly telling me to lose weight just for aesthetics, then he is wrong. He may like thinner women, but I may like being chubby. In this situation, people need to accept that there is an incompatibility: this relationship isn't going to work. And it is wrong to tell people to change something that isn't an issue but you dislike.

The second example IS NOT emotional labor. Emotional labor would be to talk about the issue and realize that there is an incompatibility. When you talk about abuse, I think about my second example, so I don't think you understand what emotional labor actually is and why women complain about it.

But you know, I agree that women (and men also, but your post was about women doing emotional labor) should just leave relationships where they are being ignored.

LillthOfBabylon · 2025-06-24T15:08:21+00:00

that communication with a man is a labor

When he doesnt help himself and constantly using people as a free therapist, yes. It is labor.

If you are not enjoying relationships, why are you still there?

Because theyre trying to be patient and then when they lose that patience, they leave.

he is not enjoying it too

GO GET THERAPY.

Men: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

you cause more stress by nagging

Yet again, men want empathy but cant be bothered to give it to others.

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rose_mary3_ · 2025-06-26T14:21:45+00:00

The issue is not any form of emotional labour it's that women are doing the majority of emotional labour. It is exhausting having a partner putting in less work and is not on you level

Ill-Cook-6879 · 2025-06-24T14:52:48+00:00

Oh the massive wave of male firings that would result if women started doing this. A lot of men only go to work every workday because their mother used to nag them into it and then their wife took over from that.

Whiskeymyers75 · 2025-06-24T13:28:28+00:00

This term is very narcissistic.

kvakerok_v2 · 2025-06-25T15:06:06+00:00

The real emotional labor: trying to make men do what you want them to do without actually telling them what it is.

Title	Stop the "emotional labor"
Author	WanabeInflatable
Upvotes	99
Comments	266
Date	June 24, 2025 1:07 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ljanje/stop_the_emotional_labor/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/stop-the-emotional-labor.1555452 https://theredarchive.com/post/1555452

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