“The Sociopath Next Door” makes a good point about men who induce pity. I've been in relationships with, gone on brief dates with, and chatted with way too many men who have used pity (and activated Pickme!) to emotionally manipulate me.

It was always brief, maybe one sentence, but oddly specific and pointed, about what their ex did or didn't do. They had clocked that I'm kind, sympathetic and a good listener, so it was deliberately slipped in there, knowing I'd pick it up and vow to never do that, gosh she was awful and heartless, blah blah pickme shit. #IbelieveWomen now.

Abusers want to make a withdrawal based on guilt after they deposited some pity. Normal people want to invoke respect, admiration, and impress you with displays of kindness, caring, generosity and competence. I want to look up to a man, not down on a weepy victim. Do you go on a date hoping the man will pity you? Or do you hope he sees what a catch you are and admires you.

Pay attention to these seemingly casual statements about “why they broke up with their ex”. It's a huge red flag. It's a warning to you from his little bag of manipulative tricks, and it WILL bite you in the ass later, or be the cause of your break up, and you'll realise exactly why she Did That Thing. (If That Thing is even true! SO many men tell me their wife had a low libido, weird right?)

An ex said his previous girlfriend “picked fights at family gatherings”. Gosh, wow, what a cRaZy thing to do. How embarrassing for him. I'll never fly off the handle like that.

You'll be in a double bind – either you swallow your anger and abuse yourself by not blowing up, and he wins. Or you blow up and he wins because a) you're just like his ex, b) you couldn't manage to control yourself like he knows you promised yourself you would c) he gets narc supply from watching you blow up d) witnesses, you can't explain to anyone that he was subtly abusing you the entire weekend, now his whole family thinks you're another crazy ex and their darling son is a victim.

Another ex was “a sloppy drunk”. Congratulations, now you can never enjoy a drink again. Also you'll figure out why she drank.

A match said he divorced because of a deadbedroom. Congratulations, now you can never turn him down for sex or you're an unloving harpie just like his ex, making him feel so undesirable. I didn't stick around to experience the many many things wrong that lead to a dead bedroom, because he hadn't gotten therapy.

Another ex was “so demanding & I could never do anything right”. Great, now you can't demand anything, poor lambie is wracked with shame because he's so worried he can never please you. You know what normal people do? They research, they ask, they clarify, they figure out how they can please you, they try something, not just sit around wringing their hands at what a failure they are (for doing nothing).

His “ex left so suddenly, it was out of the blue”. It was 6 months bro. She told you she was unhappy and you did nothing for 6 months. I'm not getting sucked into a relationship where I'm guilted into staying because being dumped is soooo painful for you, or being caught in the explaining trap until you think an acceptable amount of time being coMmuNiCaTeD with has passed for it to “not be sudden”.

What are some examples of oddly specific “warnings” he told you about that bit you in the ass later? Or weird things an OLD match has said that made you go “doubt”. Or some things you're beginning to realise you're trapped by?