FDS is also incredibly useful for vetting women for friendships. I made the grievous mistake of overlooking a few red flags (like not calling when she said she was going to call) with a woman who I thought was becoming a close friend.

I set a boundary with her last week. She had been getting gradually less reliable so I said, “Hey, I understand that you are overwhelmed. But when I come to visit you next week I am really excited to attend a meteor shower. I don’t want my plans to hinge on yours so should I rent a car or have a backup plan?” She insisted that she wanted to join and that worst case scenario I could just borrow her car. I let her know up front that I am compassionate that she has a lot of stressors right now but I needed her to respect that this was important to me and that I would be upset if I missed this....(this is also why I am increasingly hesitant to becoming friends with women who have young children. They tend to think that a childless woman’s interests/hobbies are frivolous.)

Fast forward to me flying out of state to spend time with her and her toddler son. Her energy was bizarre from my arrival so I asked her about it and she insisted that there was nothing wrong but she had a huge fight with her sister so now her 2 year old son would be joining us for the 4 hour car ride. I was happy about it because he is delightful and I was unfazed. On Wednesday morning, I again gave her an out. “Hey, I can just drive myself if this is feeling like too much.” She insisted even though we didn’t leave until like 2 PM. On the car ride up I offered to alternate driving with her and she said she was nervous about me not being on her insurance. 🧐 we get to the lovely hotel that I paid for in full. I also paid for gas and $150 dinner for the 3 of us. The next morning she was so unpleasant to me. I wanted to say something but we had a 4 hour car drive back so I figured I would wait for a better time. She had the energy to be kind to her son but I felt like she resented me for “having” to make the trip. At first I was trying to be compassionate because I know that she has been under a lot of stress but after 2 hours of her sighing loudly and not attempting to be at all pleasant to me, I got pissed.

I was explicit with her that this was important to me, I offered her 3 different outs, I paid for her and her son to have a nice experience, I missed the meteor shower and now she is acting like a completely garbage person to me? I was supposed to stay at her home but I asked her to drop me off at a local hotel. When we arrived I said “Thank you.” Waved goodbye to her son and stomped off. I’m extra livid now thinking about how I hostessed her for 5 days at my home in California for her birthday and pulled out all the stops. I also had to spend more money on 2 nights that I planned to stay at her place. I just would NEVER in a million years treat a guest that way unless they were horrendous. This is another reason we must always have our own money.

I am done making excuses for people who think I am an emotional punching bag. Her inability to regulate her feelings was completely toxic to me. I have a soft spot in my heart for single mothers but now I want nothing to do with her and I am seriously tempted to write her a letter and block.

Other red flag behavior was that she constantly wanted to talk about dating and would ask for diet/nutrition advice and then never listen. I had to call her in for flaking on a phone call because she was on a 45 minute call with a guy she had never met from Hinge.🤮 I’m still seething from this. Please learn from my mistake. Pickmes are borderline abusive and they will use you just as badly as a LVM will.