Commitment and communication are more important in making a relationship work than sex and passion.

poppy_blu · 2021-11-03T19:56:38+00:00

Sex and passion wanes, but without a solid foundation of crazy strong attraction the rest of it is very hard work and not worth it in my opinion. Commitment and communication is important, but sooo much easier when your sex life is strong.

ToughAnswers · 2021-11-03T19:57:24+00:00

Bottom line

you're better off with fuckbuddies

Specialist-Action-33 · 2021-11-03T22:49:54+00:00

Do you there an incentive to either one when in an ltr? I feel if you withhold one you won't receive the other imo.

Edit: wording

superlurkage · 2021-11-03T19:59:18+00:00

None of that matters if you’re just plain selfish

houstongradengineer · 2021-11-03T19:48:07+00:00

There is no "more important." Is egg or flour more important when baking many types of cookies? You gotta have it all, or else you're not doing what you think you're doing.

michael1962-01 · 2021-11-03T21:23:43+00:00

No sex. No relationship.

LowCreddit · 2021-11-03T20:27:54+00:00

Your study is focused on sexual timing's effect on early relationships. What men are talking about is sex in an already-going LTR, especially marriage. It's women who are obsessed with sexual compatibility in early relationship, especially when in their 20's.

Sex and its consequences are the central aspects of relationships. If you are bad at it, then you are bad at relationships. End of story.

midwesternMD · 2021-11-03T21:47:31+00:00

You can be committed, think that you’re communicating, and lose sight of sex and passion. I did that for years. The lack of sex (or more specifically, repeated rejections) had the effect of eroding my self esteem. This devolved into (likely) worse communication. I never wavered from a commitment standpoint. And frankly, after some ~5k and a year or so of therapy (solo and couples), I would argue that we both tried to improve the non-sexual part of the marriage. In the end, the dead bedroom was a dealbreaker.

I’m not arguing that sex and passion trump all. And I’m not arguing that commitment and communication aren’t important. What I am arguing is that sex and passion are damn important. Lose sight of that, and it’ll be a matter of time before things crumble.

I really doubt my story is a unique anecdote.

But ultimately, believe what you want. This is the Internet, after all.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2021-11-03T20:44:53+00:00

I agree in that often passion and sex fluctuates. People are likely to have sex more in certain times, less when people are busy, stressed, sick or have had a baby etc etc etc

So communication and commitment have to be there for a couple to make it through downturns, issues and the grind of daily life.

But I'd say sex is still super important there. Dead bedrooms are a huge issue. A few months I think can be reasonably fixed, but once you've reached half a year without sex you need to seriously evaluate what's going on and whether it's something that will change.

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-11-03T22:55:05+00:00

Marital satisfaction linked to women's sexual desire, and frequency of sex is correlated to frequency of the women's initiations for sex but not the man's initiations:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/dating-and-mating/201909/why-marital-satisfaction-is-closely-linked-women-s-sexual-desire

Women being secretive about sex and sexually modest in a committed relationship was a corollary to Freud's theory on the Madonna-Whore complex:

Freud also says something interesting about feminine sexuality – or at least the character of feminine love – namely, that it hinges on a secret. Whilst the tendency to debasement is a male trait, Freud finds a corollary in female frigidity, originating in what he sees as women’s inability “to undo the connection between sensual activity and the prohibition” (p.186). “This is the origin”, he tells us, “of the endeavour made by many women to keep even legitimate relations secret for a while; and of the capacity of other women for normal sensation as soon as the condition of prohibition is re-established by a secret love affair: unfaithful to their husband, they are able to keep a second order of faith with their lover” (p.186).

https://www.lacanonline.com/2010/05/reading-on-the-universal-tendency-to-debasement-in-the-sphere-of-love/

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-11-03T20:48:00+00:00

Sex and passion are what makes a relationship "a relationship" in people's minds. Without those two things, you have a friendship, which is a type of relationship, but not the one in this context.

CheeseMonger96 · 2021-11-03T22:34:12+00:00

I agree, commitment and communication make a strong foundation. However intimacy is also very important. Not all intimacy has to be sexual though (although it's nice if some of it IS of course).

xcheshirecatxx · 2021-11-03T23:43:42+00:00

Yeah it's just dépend on what are your needs.

I need sex.

I will be with fuck buddies instead of a relationship with commitment and communication

Because the relationship I want to be in, need all of that.

My parents started as a ons and are together since 40 years

I'm with my fiancé since almost 5 years, and we have a 3 months baby We have been through very hard things together But our sex life is also worth it

The issue is that people settle

Wait... And have fun while waiting

girlindolor · 2021-11-03T20:33:18+00:00

Exactly! Sex should just be a part of the relationship, if it's the one thing that your relationship depends on that sounds more like having an fwb more than having a life partner. People who think the most value their partner brings is sex clearly don't truly love each other as a person. They don't actually enjoy each other's company enough. This is why your wife/husband should be your best friend, someone you actually want to spend the rest of your life with. I think its weird how ending a marriage just bc of no sex is socially encouraged, that people feel fleeting sex is more important in a relationship than actually loving each other as a person and wanting to grow old together, you aren't going to have sex when you're old anyway

deste_eloise · 2021-11-03T19:56:30+00:00

I disagree. I don’t think I can have a satisfying relationship without great communication AND great sex.

Great communication, but lack of passion and good sex is just a friendship to me (that’s what I have my friends for; don’t want to have sex with them). I need all of the things you list to have a fulfilling romantic relationship.

snowcakey · 2021-11-03T19:55:37+00:00

I think this is kind of an impossible thing to argue because we are all individuals with very different needs and wants. Each of us will feel very different about sex and passion vs commitment and communication.

I think you’re right that commitment and communication are important but I don’t agree that they are more important.

Its not like I constantly expect hot sex and passion every single day, but if this completely goes there is no relationship.

Same if the scenario was switched, if the sex/passion was there but it was empty in terms of communication/commitment I would still leave.

I argue that all aspects are equally important, but I recognize this will vary per individual and people are absolutely entitled to feeling differently.

Wildhouse83 · 2021-11-03T22:56:55+00:00

I am sorry to say but sex is the only benefit modern women have for men. And sex is a biological need which can not be turned off. Otherwise, men would not enter into relationships with women in the first place. Just listen to Patrice O'Neal what he says about female holes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28gvMM8KXm4

Emervila · 2021-11-03T20:34:10+00:00

Marital relationships are an equation that balances both feelings and sex

Friendships are based on feelings and might/might not have sex

Men want marital relationships whenever they will commit otherwise it doesn't work for men. Women want to "settle down" seeking for a friendship with limited sex since they already had the fun riding the carrousel.

Dead bedrooms are a result of both entering relationship seeking different type of LTR. Evidence? women can tolerate all BS from the most jerk guy for years and keep having sex with him as long as he his a bad boy Chad type BUT marry the beta guy and that one who is boring (no abusive nor toxic, just boring) that one is deprived of sex. Men don't become boring over the years since they are pretty stable, what changes is the female tolerance, they have limited time to stand having sex with the beta husband until he is locked up and can't run away

Healthy sexual life is not negotiable for men

XtoDoubt · 2021-11-03T22:20:47+00:00

You have the causation inverted from the correlation. Everything is better when the sex life is better.

Spacct · 2021-11-03T22:44:01+00:00

Commitment and communication are the work part. Sex and passion is the play part. Both are required.

SaBahRub · 2021-11-03T21:27:39+00:00

The people who are all about passion and sex don’t want to put effort into communication or contemplation. It should be easy! Brainless!

And you can’t communicate with, as you noted, “massive assholes”

poppy_blu · 2021-11-04T00:45:04+00:00

A piece of advice that was given to me on my wedding day: (and I’m paraphrasing cause I’m too tired to be pithy) your marriage is stool and the 3 legs are communication, companionship and passion/sex. Without one leg the stool falls down.

OOH I disagree. Sex is important.

OTOH what’s even more important is intimacy of which sex is only a part. And it’s hard for most of the young lonely sexless guys here to ever imagine that, 1) they’ll get less horny as they age and significantly so after 40 and 2) more and more it will be the intimacy will that satisfy them more than sex.

Inb4 red comes in to tell me he still has the same sex drive he did when he was 16.

I don’t have the heart to tell him that’s fine but his equipment ain’t 16 anymore.

DrnknParrot · 2021-11-04T00:49:44+00:00

Sex and passion is what motivates most people to put in the effort that commitment and communication require. If someone was willing to make the effort of commitment and communication, but didn't feel passion for me, I'd feel like I was either being used for something, or that I was completely interchangeable. The exact thing a lot of men on here seem to fear actually.

You need both for a successful relationship. It's the Anna Karenina Principle.

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ragman75 · 2021-11-03T23:13:10+00:00

Commitment and communication are very important, but there is just no chance of any kind of romantic relationship without sexual attraction. Maybe a good friendship sure, but no chance of a romantic relationship.

klauskinki · 2021-11-03T23:45:03+00:00

Silly dichotomy (as any dichotomy really). People don't start a relationship if there is no mutual attraction. If there is mutual attraction then there is sex. Attraction and sex are like the basics. Communication and commitment is what you build over these foundations. In the past it was the other way around and still in some places they do like that but they had and have sex nonetheless and sex that can very well be awkward and sometimes even forced (on women). But no couple (except for the ones formed by a gay guy and a lesbian) skip the sex and goes straight to the commitment and the communication bit. That's a business relationship not a romantic one

Ohyarlysmiles · 2021-11-04T01:00:33+00:00

Eh, sex and passion makes the other stuff worth doing.

It's necessary not sufficient.

Every couple I know that has been together for years I agree does seem to follow the pattern in OP...

...and I don't envy them. Ever.

steveblahhh · 2021-11-04T01:52:23+00:00

I agree w/ your sentiment outside of women holding out for months. Leveraging sex as a tactic runs counter to the idea of healthy expression of ones needs in a relationship.

Anyway, sex is important but most of the younger men in the various pill communities seem to believe the notion that you must consistently blow her mind to keep her happy. Reality is neither of you will likely be the other's best sexual partner and good sex usually requires a bit of... you guessed it - communication.

redpillbob69 · 2021-11-04T01:56:35+00:00

You lost me at "withheld ". If they wanted it and held it back from thier guy on purpose, that sounds terrible.

TheHeroReditDeserves · 2021-11-04T02:51:47+00:00

Water is more important then food to making human survival work.

Gabrielvrape · 2021-11-04T03:34:57+00:00

Women don't "need" commitment for a relationship to work they just want it.

purplish_possum · 2021-11-04T03:49:28+00:00

Hell NO!!!

If a woman thinks you're hot she'll overlook a ton of shit.

If she loses attraction all the communication and commitment in the world won't save the relationship.

BrodieDharma · 2021-11-04T04:46:57+00:00

Commitment and communication lead to sexual polarity erosion.

If success is measured by staying together, maybe. But in the current climate, sex is one of the main sources of divorce. Communicating your lack of passion and desire for sex without knowing how to fix it is a one-stop-shop to divorce or friendzone.

Without sex and passion, you are no better than roommates.

_Oh_Be_Nice_ · 2021-11-04T05:49:13+00:00

If all you want out of life is relationships, you're going to have a bad time.

There's more to your existence than other people, but you have to actually want to explore a life beyond the mundane and banal.

KirthWGersen · 2021-11-04T06:51:56+00:00

Commitment and communication can be relationship killers.

Commitment can make both partners too lazy. And too effective communication can reveal things better left unsaid. Complete honesty is so cruel. If people knew all the thoughts that come into my head I would have no lovers, no friends, no family and no job.

In my opinion, the best relationships come from doing what you feel like, when you feel like, while take account of other people's feelings: i.e. not being malicious.

Let the chips fall where there may, and accept that all relationships end either through breakup or death.

lvlupkitten · 2021-11-04T07:23:13+00:00

I need both to be in a relationship. I had a thing with a guy for a few months that never went anywhere, we were basically FWB that hung out all the time but barely actually had sex. I didn't know any better since he was my first lol and I was attracted to him and genuinely thought I liked it at the time, but since I couldn't really read his feelings about me and he wasn't open at all it made it not very enjoyable in retrospect, and now that I have something so much better I would never go back. He also hung out with me all the time but never took me out or tried to escalate and would act like I was an idiot if I asked him any questions about even hanging out with me. So the lack of trust I had in him made it really hard for me to like sex with him even when he was decent at it

Likewise, there's been guys who are nice and honest about their intentions, who I'm sure would be good boyfriends express interest in me, but I just wasn't sexually attracted to them. If I'm not attracted to you, no amount of kindness or communication will be able to change that, and I would never force myself to date someone I wasn't attracted to because that wouldn't be fair on either of us. I feel like forcing myself to have sex with someone I don't have attraction for would also be honestly really awful

Now I'm in a real relationship, my first one, and it's only been a month and everything is awesome. I'd need both good sex and good communication to be satisfied in a relationship, one without the other and it will crumble soon enough, maybe that's just me though. I don't think either thing is necessarily more important, because I think they're both absolutely essential. It's like saying one pillar of the house is more important than another, even though they're all required to hold a house up and that house will crumble if you remove just one

I couldn't be in a committed relationship without sex. Well, I physically could, but there's no point in me doing that when I could just be in a committed relationship with really good sex. I also wouldn't want good sex with someone that treats me like shit or doesn't want to commit to me, because I could have good sex with someone who does wanna commit to me (which is what I'm doing right now 😎). I simply wouldn't take a relationship with only one or the other, I would become either sexually or emotionally frustrated.

WilliamWyattD · 2021-11-04T07:53:56+00:00

I think you are right if the aim is a lifelong, monogamous pairing.

But honestly, I think that the OP is presuming an answer to the question at hand: what types of relationships do people truly want? Maybe people do ultimately prefer to prioritize passion and sex, if that means a series of shorter relationships, so be it?

It's unclear that people in the modern age have figured out what they want, and what they can get.

Willow-girl · 2021-11-04T10:51:10+00:00

You need both.

majani · 2021-11-04T11:00:22+00:00

This is the usual "man bad, woman good" rhetoric. Men, don't listen to such clap trap, hold high your masculine priorities of sex, passion and looks. When questioned about it, say it with your chest, don't cower. It is OK to like sex, it is OK to like beauty and it is OK to want passion from your partner. And most of all, it is OK to have all these things as your first priority.

LotBuilder · 2021-11-04T16:14:36+00:00

You have to be friends and communicate very well. They are the person you will speak to most. Sex is not the most important thing but don’t kid yourself into thinking it is not very, very, very important. If you do not have a solid sex life then there is a rotten post in the foundation of your relationship that will eventually cause major damage.

meme_lords_unite · 2021-11-04T18:07:37+00:00

I believe there's a hierarchy. You can't have one without the other. First and foremost, there must be passion. If both parties aren't incredibly attracted to the other, it won't work. Second, commitment. Third, communication. Each builds on top of the other. There can be no commitment without passion and no amount of passion will fix cheating.

Senzatie3579 · 2021-11-08T03:25:36+00:00

Yeah no, without sex we're just friends. And I got lots of friends, what I'm looking for in a relationship is attraction, passion, sex and a deeper level of cooperation.

00_BergEmergence · 2021-11-03T21:08:55+00:00

Monogamy does not come naturally to men (or women to a lesser extent). As a man your instincts are telling you to impregnate the best woman available to you in the moment, as often as possible. This goes against our nature, and men have to psy-ops themselves in order to cope tbh.

I think most couples (that last) become more like good friends. Theres nothing wrong with that and I think young people underestimate how lonely it can be when you're an older person.

IOportA · 2021-11-04T02:13:08+00:00

If a woman cares more about talking to you than fucking you, it's because she's fuckin someone else.

DeliciousPussyNectar · 2021-11-04T03:26:08+00:00

Fuck your man or cry about the consequences.

Title	Commitment and communication are more important in making a relationship work than sex and passion.
Author	LillthOfBabylon
Upvotes	80
Comments	225
Date	November 3, 2021 7:46 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/qm2jlq/commitment_and_communication_are_more_important/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/commitment-and-communication-are-more-important-in.1080171 https://theredarchive.com/post/1080171

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