How would you feel about your current or future partner asking to have different beds/bedrooms?

Stock-Argument-1040 · 2025-05-14T06:54:28+00:00

I've got sleep apnoea so I'd understand it fully. I can't imagine it's pleasant sleeping next to my Darth Vader breathing ass.

Sufficient-Meal-5077 · 2025-05-14T06:13:58+00:00

Separate beds/rooms tends to mean we both get a better night's sleep and it actually improved our sex life, we found if we went to bed together by the time we're both laying down we're tired and only really thinking about sleep but with separate rooms we make an active decision and as soon as we're both in one room it's on.

We went from having sex 1/2 times a week to 5/6 and there's a lot more sexual energy during the day time as well, getting handsy/flirtatious.

Zabadoodude · 2025-05-14T06:49:12+00:00

If it was my actual gf I would be concerned as we have been sleeping in the same bed for years and it was never an issue before. In general though, I can understand that some people have a really hard time sleeping if they aren't alone in the bed, so I would be OK with it.

We do have our own areas we can retreat to for some space. I have an office, and she has the bedroom, where I usually only go at night.

Suspicious_Glove7365 · 2025-05-14T11:35:49+00:00

I do this already with my LTR boyfriend! It’s amazing. He has his own place to sleep in our apartment but maybe 3-4 days a week, we share a bed. It just depends on what our schedule is day to day. Sometimes I have to get up really early so we sleep separately to not bother the other person.

Makuta_Servaela · 2025-05-14T11:43:03+00:00

I would want different bedrooms by default. I have a lot of trouble sleeping in the same room as another person. For some reason, I am very sensitive to the sound of sleep breathing. I'm also an incredibly light sleeper, so any little thing he does in the bed will wake me.

I might suggest a master bedroom for us to cuddle and to be his room, and a separate smaller bedroom for me to sleep in.

Gravel_Roads · 2025-05-14T07:45:01+00:00

Fine with me, my partner and I own condos across the street from each other so we have our own space but can just roam in and out of each other’s life pretty regularly each day

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2025-05-14T09:19:10+00:00

We have separate bedrooms and it’s the best. We have our own space and we both get great sleep.

He runs hot at night and snores. I starfish and get up to pee in the night. He sleeps on his stomach and elbowed me in the face once while turning. I go to bed early and he’d wake me up when he came to bed later. I get up earlier than he does so I’d wake him up when I got up. We never slept well.

The bedroom isn’t the only place we snuggle or cuddle.

Sleep is too important to fuck with

ExcelsiorState718 · 2025-05-14T11:58:50+00:00

Separate bedrooms would be a requirement for me I just think it's wierd for 2 grown adults with duffrent taste and requirements to share a room. I actually brought this up with a woman I was talking to and she lost interest after that. I wasn't that serious about her and I figured she would.

Anyway I'm not sharing a room with a woman Ive worked to hard to have my own space,if that means being single for life then so be it.

floracalendula · 2025-05-14T15:01:14+00:00

I wouldn't mind separate bedrooms if it was established from the word go that this was for sanity and sleep's sake -- but I would very much like cuddle nights, e.g. neither of us has to get up earlier than the other tomorrow, so the sleep will be fine if we're both there as opposed to me wanting to sleep as late as I can and him being up at some insane hour because he actually wants to drink coffee before hitting the road (for me, it's very much "get up, clothes on, hygiene, out the door"). Or worse: one of us snores!

Twice the bedrooms also means twice the closet space. :D

mandoa_sky · 2025-05-14T06:47:50+00:00

i would kinda want it just because i don't sleep easily so quality of sleep is important to me.

it depends on how the other person sleeps and how we compromise on sleep hygiene.

Original-Opening7306 · 2025-05-14T08:40:43+00:00

It's not something I would want myself. The intimacy of sleeping together is too important. I am 65f 28 years married. During that time there have been times of no sex. Also times of illness where sleeping apart was necessary. We just missed each other. My only experience of a couple sleeping separately is my sister who likes her own room and has had this arrangement through two marriages, 10 years and 20 years, both of those marriages failed

Excellent-Egg484 · 2025-05-14T09:13:52+00:00

I wouldn’t actually mind it, my ex and I did it (not the reason we split) but we slept at different times, had different needs in bed like I wanted to be really warm he wanted to be cold and then when our son came along three in a bed was rather cramped and caused bad sleep for all of us so whoever was working was able to get a good sleep as the son was with the other.

So I wouldn’t be against it if I’m honest haha

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2025-05-14T10:21:06+00:00

I have no problem with it. My fiancée is pretty nocturnal, so we rarely sleep in the same bed. I’m one of those “don’t touch me while I’m sleeping” people, so we’ll cuddle on the couch and then I go to bed. There are times when I really want to sleep next to him, and when I do I ask him to come to bed

Equivalent-Pie-7148 · 2025-05-14T11:52:56+00:00

I haven't considered it, but I would probably be for it since I could have my plushies on my bed rather than having to put them somewhere else

alphamaker420 · 2025-05-14T13:25:56+00:00

A room isn't enough, I'd take it a step further. If it's financially feasible I'd prefer a separate house. I think a townhouse arrangement would be ideal where we're right next to each other but both have our own space. Maybe put a door in between so we can come and go more easily. I'd love a setup like that because I love having my own personal space. What's mine is mine and what's his is his and we can choose when we see each other instead being right up in each others' faces all the time. Granted, I'd probably be over his or have him over mine all the time but it would ideal to have the option.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2025-05-14T13:50:07+00:00

Friend of mine does it with her partner. He claims that she snores too loudly. I've slept in the same room as her on many vacations over the last decade and a half, and I think he's a giant baby, she doesn't snore that much. But it works for them, and it seems to be going well.

I'd be fine with it, depending on the reason. One of us goes to be super late, tosses and turns too much, is generally preventing the other person from getting sleep? Away with you! If it's because he doesn't want me anymore, yeah, that would be an issue.

lovelesslibertine · 2025-05-14T15:28:31+00:00

I'd be the one asking. I've never understood co-sleeping. People need their space. I need my space when sleeping and my own space to retreat to. I don't want to bathe in my partner's farts, thanks.

Affectionate_Arm1978 · 2025-05-14T15:55:08+00:00

My husband and I have entirely different houses! We have sex several times per week and I do sleep over at his house a few x per month. It works for us!

Other-Desk-8676 · 2025-05-14T16:52:19+00:00

In highschool I mentioned offhandedly to my friend that I felt as if I couldn’t be in a relationship because I was terrified of having to always share a space with them, especially a bed. He believed that married couples should share a bed together no matter what.

Later, we started dating. I was still at my parents house and slept in a twin, because I liked having enough room for myself and 10+ plushies and a few cats. Plus I’m a smaller person, and a twin was fine enough for me. Now imagine when this 6’4 HEAVY sleeper tries to take a nap with me, 3 fat ass cats plus some kittens later on, plushies, and multiple blankets.

I don’t know how we managed to do that for two years. I think because I was so in love with him and our favorite thing to do was watch tv and fall asleep together, we somehow made it work. However at the end of the day, we both still had our respective homes to go back to and beds to sleep in alone. Sometimes it was hard and I missed him, but other times I would be glad to be comfortable in my own space.

Now we’re engaged, and we’ve been living together since August. After the experience of sleeping in the same bed a couple times, he admitted he’s not the best person to sleep next to (sleep talking, snorting, and thrashing around). We still tried to make it work at first because we wanted to keep the guest bedroom for guests. We endured a couple weeks of terrible sleep on both ends, even though we had a bigger bed and less cats. The biggest problem was our conflicting schedules and the fact he sleeps through every single one of his alarms without fail. I noticed we would get into more arguments, and I knew it wasn’t just the adjusting process to the new environment.

I brought two of my cats with me when moving out. One is a cat that is extremely attached to me (as I am to her), and another is a cat that showed up at my parents house that got bullied by all the other cats. Unfortunately, my cat ALSO bullied this cat. Like hunting her down and terrorizing her. We tried to rehome the bullied cat but couldn’t find a suitable person, and my fiancé also got very attached to this cat. Our solution was to keep this cat in the guest bedroom at night, and during the day have the window open for supervised outdoor time. However, she was very lonely so my fiancé started sleeping in the guest bedroom. There was immediate improvement. We argued less, slept more, and it actually IMPROVED other aspects of our life if you catch my drift.

Every night we will cuddle together in my bed for however long, then get ready for bed together, and then go into our separate rooms to sleep. He has a kitty to cuddle with and so do I. If one of us has a bad dream and needs comfort or just can’t sleep, we will still go to the others room or just call or text if we’re too lazy to get up. I still go in there in the morning to wake him up because I hear the alarms but he’s also gotten better on waking up on his own too.

With all that being said, we’re both big advocates for having separate sleeping rooms. It’s not like we never see each other either because now that we’re in our own house we mainly hang out together on the couch and play games together. I feel like as long as you’re not using seperate rooms to escape your partner and locking yourself away all day, it’s fine. It’s just for sleeping. We still take naps together when we can, and sleep together when we have guests over. When people hear that we’re a newly living together couple that are sleeping in different rooms they freak out, so I’m glad that our cat gives us a good excuse. Some people don’t understand the concept at all until they experience the negative effects of sharing a bed, and even then they just try to ignore it.

Bikerbats · 2025-05-14T17:49:06+00:00

Is there a reason, OP? That makes all the difference in the world. One of my best friends in the entire world has slept apart from his wife since his mid 20's (mid 60's now) and for good reason: He snores loudly and sleeps fitfully.

Odd-Talk-3981 · 2025-05-14T17:57:48+00:00

I'd actually be very happy. From my perspective, there are only pros to sleeping in separate rooms.

If my prospective partner insisted on sharing the same bed all the time, that would be a deal breaker for me.

Tylikcat · 2025-05-14T18:19:24+00:00

This seems like the path of sanity to me.

I joke sometimes that there is no way anyone could live with me without first making friends with my very sweet by somewhat anxious and misanthropic cat. (He adores me. He mostly would prefer not to see most other humans, ever, though there is a small but growing number of humans he's okay with.)

I have really enjoyed sharing a bed in the past - but I've also had a lot of trouble with folks who didn't come to bed when they said they would, would turn the light on when they came in, and for that matter, would come to bed late, and then try to have sex with me.

Vikklee · 2025-05-14T18:32:09+00:00

My grandparents slept in separate bedrooms because my grandmother liked white noise and my grandpa couldn’t sleep with it (He also snored but they never admitted that was also a factor).

I love sleeping in the same bed as my husband, but i think when we get older if we started to snore each others ears off to the point of sleep deprivation, we would definitely sleep in different rooms.

I think it would make your partner more of a commodity and it would be more exciting to see one another every morning.

It’s maybe not traditional, but I don’t think it could hurt any strong relationship.

ComfortableJeans · 2025-05-14T06:10:07+00:00

Honestly, it's totally an emotional response. But I would be quite hurt.

I would feel as though this person doesn't really feel entirely into me emotionally and physically. Whether that really tracks logically or not, it would be my emotional response.

I'm quite a soppy, affectionate person. Both physically and otherwise. I love cuddling, hugging, holding hands, kissing, laying on one another, falling asleep together and so on. I just love touching my partner. Not just in a sexual context, but any physical intimacy.

The idea that I would have a person I'm in love with and not take lots of opportunities to demonstrate that affection physically is just very... foreign to my mind.

It might be goofy, but I find even holding hands and walking to be genuinely wonderful.

The idea that my partner doesn't want to touch me, cuddle with me and sleep with me in the cuddle, touching and sleeping room hurts something inside my chest.

I'm a bit clingy, granted. I can see why people wouldn't want that level of psychical affection.

But the bedroom is such an intimate, connected place that it would hurt me to lose that with the person I love.

It could be worth mentioning that I'm quite tall, and as such, I've always made sure I have a really big bed, so there's no shortage of room, and I also make sure to buy a quilt that's one size bigger than my bed, so there's always more than enough blanket.... That could also help.

Siukslinis_acc · 2025-05-14T06:37:56+00:00

I wpuld feel fine. Maybe even prefer it. As i would like to have a room where there are purely my rules and i don't need to compromise.

And looking at how my mom sometimes goes to sleep on the couch because dads snoring sometimes gets so loud that her earplugs don't help...

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2025-05-14T07:15:51+00:00

I wouldn’t be comfortable with that. I love the intimacy of cuddling being close etc, I love the middle of the night and morning sex,

IcyTrapezium · 2025-05-14T08:56:41+00:00

That’s what we have because it’s the only way I’ll live with a man. Sleep is idiosyncratic. I also work night shift and need blackout curtains and he likes the sun.

Separate bedrooms and bathrooms and we really never fight. It’s the golden ticket, I tell ya.

Usual-Revolution-718 · 2025-05-14T10:08:14+00:00

That why pre nubs exits, and the concept of separate finances.

Hey, inflation is bad, so another roommate to split the bills is okay. Maybe turn the house into a duplex.

On a serious note, I known couple who had that arrangement, and it worked well. Some people snore, some sleep talk , and some are night owls.

Maybe the idea of two separate beds wasn't that crazy

NarwhalsInTheLibrary · 2025-05-14T10:27:19+00:00

i would love to have separate rooms.

i have terrible insomnia sometimes. i also snore. i sometimes just need to be alone to get any sleep. also, i think it can be difficult for my BF to sleep when I'm there (because of the tossing and turning, and if I do fall asleep, the snoring that sometimes follows).

plus different schedules cause more disruptions.

sleep is so important. i think being able to get good, uninterrupted sleep would help a lot of relationships, honestly.

Affectionate-Yard899 · 2025-05-14T12:27:42+00:00

I'd not like it at all

It'd be one of the basic things I'd expect we'll be doing together after being together

So no, can't live like this

leosandlattes · 2025-05-14T06:06:03+00:00

My boyfriend and I have each have an office in our house. My office has a day bed in it that I use for napping or as a guest bedroom, but we sleep in the master bedroom. Our separate offices fulfill the need for separate space. We also have a game room where he spends a lot of his time (though my gaming computer is in there too, we just don’t use it at the same time).

I would rope if he asked to sleep in different bedrooms honestly, lol. I know that sounds dramatic but I looovveeee having my bf there to cuddle and curl up with. We do have a king size bed though, so there’s plenty of room. Maybe I’d feel differently if the room or bed itself were small.

Whiskeymyers75 · 2025-05-14T07:05:00+00:00

I think I would pass. If I didn’t like someone enough to sleep in bed with them the majority of the time, I’d rather just live the single life.

kongeriket · 2025-05-14T07:42:11+00:00

Given that sharing a bed is seen as the default, what are all of your views on couples who have different beds, or even different rooms?

Generally not my problem. But while there are some success stories, most such arrangements that I've been made aware of have ended badly. Or the relationship had died a long time ago and de facto each of them is in fact snuggling someone else but they formally stay together for the children and/or because they're old enough and the logistics of splitting the house are not worth the hassle.

If your partner and you are moving in together and they want different beds or a different room (depending on financial capabilities), how would you feel?

Immediately reconsidering the decision.

The idea of not falling asleep in each others' arms is not just weird, but a giant red flag. It's one thing when there's temporary illness or weird temporary schedules - but straight up refusing to sleep with me as we are moving in together? Unacceptable.

What's the point of moving in together if the nicest part of that is off-the-table? What's the difference between sleeping in different buildings and sleeping in different rooms? Better off not to move in together, at that point.

Besides consistent sex, cuddles/snuggles are also very important. Heck, I'd go as far as to say that without those you're already two-thirds into a dead bedroom situation.

abaxeron · 2025-05-14T12:12:19+00:00

Separate bedrooms for the win. Men and women have different falling asleep, sleeping, waking up, circadian, and heat dissipation patterns. We are not equal, and not complementary. Also it's nice to have some privacy in your own home not limited to shitting and showering.

G4M35 · 2025-05-14T07:54:40+00:00

LOL, they would not be my partner.

HotOutcome9161 · 2025-05-14T07:21:34+00:00

That would be ideal

Hadal_Benthos · 2025-05-14T07:34:37+00:00

I'd feel great. Sleeping together is an inconvenience for me. Different schedules, bedding and temperature preferences, someone getting up to visit a bathroom, snoring... Sleep time is for sleeping. If it's one bed, I want separate blankets at least. It isn't like I'm not touchy with my partner usually, but positioning my one body in a convenient way to sleep is already challenging enough without adding more variables to the task. And personal room is an important thing to have as well (I'm of opinion that a dedicated bedroom is a waste of space, rather have both my bed and PC and storage space in one room). But I feel fine even in LTR in different houses (medium-distance), as it's more convenient for us than moving in together.

SayuriKitsune · 2025-05-14T08:03:05+00:00

I think I would be ok if my partner would have a better sleep. That's not our case though, we like to spend as much time with each other as possible.

CatallaxyRanch · 2025-05-14T12:15:40+00:00

I really really enjoy sharing a bed with someone, it's seriously one of my favorite things about being in a relationship. So I wouldn't be thrilled about it. But if they snored, or I snored, or they had some kind of sleep disorder or something I would understand and be okay with it. Good sleep is really important.

We literally just couldn't do this in our current house though, unless one of us slept in the office. We've already got the kids sharing a room.

SeveralSadEvenings · 2025-05-14T12:23:28+00:00

Yes please. My husband and I have wildly different sleep habits/hygiene, but I have a medical condition that requires heavy, uninterrupted sleep to be managed.

I'm a light sleeper that wakes up to the slightest noise, whereas my husband is an insomniac that snores and jerks around in his sleep. As a result I'm constantly waking up several times a night from him walking into the bedroom, coughing, shifting, snoring, etc.

So my medical condition is worsened by the low quality sleep I get.

When/if we move our next place NEEDS to have a spare bedroom because I am done with this low quality sleep bullshit.

Schleudergang1400 · 2025-05-14T13:09:07+00:00

I'd ask for the reasons for that change and feel accordling, maybe even act accordingly.

Dismal-Alfalfa-7613 · 2025-05-14T13:26:01+00:00

I'd love to have a giant bed, where I can cuddle with my partner but also be able to spread like a starfish when I sleep without making in uncomfortable for him.

As for separate bedrooms, makes sense since he snores and I have a sensitive sleep, but I'd rather have him wear a nose thingy to stop snoring, and I wear earplugs. I like chatting and cuddling before bed and the thought of getting up and going to a different room sounds miserable.

Good_Result2787 · 2025-05-14T13:55:10+00:00

In our case I don't really see it happening (the asking) because we had to spend quite a bit of time apart early in the relationship as we lived on different continents for a while. So, we like to "catch up" on all that sharing that we missed. That said, we have similar sleep patterns and habits, and neither of us overly disturbs the other.

I could see perhaps separate beds of a sort if that were to change as good sleep is important. My parents do this, but it's only now as they're older after decades of sharing a bed. My father is past retirement age but still working, and his work begins well before sunup, so he needs to go to bed relatively early and be up early. My mom has snoring issues that would prevent this, so the arrangement seems to make sense.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-05-14T14:33:44+00:00

It’s not my preference

ASnowfallOfCherry · 2025-05-14T15:52:07+00:00

I always really enjoyed being in the same bed as my husband. We have a massive king size bed so we both have lots of room.

That said, over the last six or seven months he has started to snore really badly and I can’t sleep so he”ll sleep upstairs in his office or I’ll sleep in the spare bedroom.

It is what it is. I don’t have a problem with it as long as we are snuggling occasionally.

Edited to add - my best friend and her husband have separate bedrooms. They both snore. So did my grandparents. I think this was more common in the past.

wtknight · 2025-05-14T17:33:08+00:00

There are a lot of legitimate reasons to have different bedrooms. What matters is if sex is wanted by each person and if that sex is happening.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2025-05-14T19:30:58+00:00

my h and I have been together 22 years and I can count the times we have slept in the same bed on one hand. he and I keep very different hours and have different sleep habits (temperature, blankets, lights TV etc). we both believe it is the secret to lifelong marriage. he "tucks me in" every night, we lay together and talk etc, do whatever we want to do and then part for me to sleep. there is nothing you can't do together with separate bedrooms except get on each other nerves all night

I dont really think its something you can discuss though, it kinda has to happen naturally

RealityCold4693 · 2025-05-14T19:54:36+00:00

I’m cheating up a storm with condom ofc

bluestjuice · 2025-05-14T20:25:19+00:00

It’s me, I am future partner!

Honestly I’d go so far as to have adjoining smallish residences. I love sleeping next to my guys, but I also find navigating the usage of a shared bedroom awkward when my partner and I have very different sleeping/waking routines. Or when I want solo sexytime but he’s hanging out scrolling on his phone. Or just for the pleasure of getting to arrange the environment to suit my own tastes and preferences (no fan! open windows! throw pillows!).

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2025-05-14T21:44:35+00:00

Absolutely not. I need to cuddle, I sleep bad alone. It actually helps me sleep to have someone by my side in bed. alone it takes me a long time to fall asleep, with a partner it's really fast. Plus I need a lot of physical touch and cuddling. So for me absolutely not.

I understand perosnal preference and that come people have trouble sleeping with someone. But for me it's really important and I need to sleep together.

Practical-Monk1586 · 2025-05-15T00:49:36+00:00

I’d love it

midnight_blue77 · 2025-05-15T05:08:16+00:00

I'd feel like it's time to share my bed with someone else. But seriously, I'd immediately would want to know why. How I feel about it depends entirely on the why.

Prudent_Cut7234 · 2025-05-15T09:37:19+00:00

For healthy adults I am against this on principle for long term. We have done this short term (hotels), or even at home (sleeping on the couch) for medical reasons.

But long term sleeping together and morning cuddles are the best, and overall sleeping together brings are closer I think.

The real deal is having two blankets/comforters. This is the real GOAT solution.

Werevulvi · 2025-05-15T19:34:20+00:00

I wouldn't mind it. Personally I like both sharing bed, and being able to have a bed to myself. There are different perks and drawbacks with both, and I think switching it up depending on how either partner feels would be a good thing. Also, I tend to sleep poorly when I have to share bed for a longer time. Especially if the bed isn't very big. Like I wake up stiff and sore, and my bedmate reports that I've been grinding my teeth super loudly. I don't typically grind my teeth, but I have chipped and damaged my teeth from doing this, and woken up with really bad pain in my jaw. Basically I get super tense and anxious, even when it's with someone I generally feel very safe with, because I can't move freely, or listen to music, etc.

My sleep habits also tend to be annoying to most people. Like I prefer having a loud, retro alarm clock ticking through the night, as well as music playing. I have trouble sleeping in silence. I do it for a partner, but it does affect my sleep badly to not be able to have these sounds that soothe me. So if I was with a guy who was annoyed by those kinda sounds at night, I would definitely welcome us having separate bedrooms. I'm currently single btw.

Waste-Love9786 · 2025-05-17T01:06:59+00:00

Heaven on earth

insert_dead_memes · 2025-05-17T22:32:28+00:00

That would just be my own fault most likely. I don't think it would happen unless I got like really ugly or something.

chocobolamo · 2025-05-18T03:24:52+00:00

id break up with her. not gonna happen.

StaleSushiRolls · 2025-05-14T10:01:59+00:00

Yeah, I would be the one asking this, so if my partner wanted That too, I'd be very happy

Vlad_The_Great_2 · 2025-05-14T13:46:28+00:00

Major red flag. Might as well end all contact right there.

Training_Hold_1354 · 2025-05-14T06:13:57+00:00

I’d have already been planning how I was going to decorate my room before he asked.

psymeariver · 2025-05-15T05:54:11+00:00

I feel like this is pretty normal and I wouldn’t mind, as long as we sleep together whenever possible.

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Title	How would you feel about your current or future partner asking to have different beds/bedrooms?
Author	KayRay1994
Upvotes	8
Comments	93
Date	May 14, 2025 5:09 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1km76cr/how_would_you_feel_about_your_current_or_future/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-would-you-feel-about-your-current-or-future.1552153 https://theredarchive.com/post/1552153

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