How would you handle libido differences with your partner?

philomexa · 2021-11-11T16:08:54+00:00

I have a lower/reactive libido, and my husband and I sleep together an average 3 times a week. I'd be happy with once a week but he's a man, thus harmony requires a degree of effort and good will.

Because I've been a good sport over the years, and also because my husband is a human being with empathy, he is happy to extend grace when I'm unable to meet him in bed. Currently I'm struggling with some health issues so our frequency has plummeted to once a week, but I don't feel hassled about it. His main concern is that I get better, not to have sex 3 times a week again but because he's worried about my welfare.

This in turn encourages me to work harder to get my health under control so we can get back to what were used to.

Good will promotes good will, who woulda thought.

Lyvicious · 2021-11-11T13:52:35+00:00

I have more sex than I spontaneously want to and he has less sex than he would ideally want to. I don't see a lack of libido as a reason not to have sex with my SO.

He's understanding about fatigue and stress when those are applicable. He's also not pushy at all, nor am I frigid and frequently turning him down. I make an effort to initiate, and he appreciates it.

I would never consider opening the relationship. If he wanted it multiple times daily and couldn't compromise we would break up.

LotBuilder · 2021-11-11T16:05:58+00:00

I don’t. I find partners that match my appetite. I will not be in a monogamous relationship with a low libido person. Life is way too short for that.

DreamsOfWishes · 2021-11-11T21:19:34+00:00

Been there, done that, as in we opened up the relationship.

Here's the thing though: it was medical, it got fixed and we couldn't get back to what it was before. And I'm not talking about closing the relationship. Everything else that had changed to facilitate that...we couldn't get that back.

Opening up the relationship to fix problems, doesn't work. You got a whole lot of new problems in exchange and you can't deal with them, because you are trying to deal with them while you're at a low in your relationship. You are not equiped to deal with the problems that an open relationship brings, while you're at a low. Open relationship stuff only works if it's being discussed and dealt with, during a time where your relationship is happy and healthy.

So break up instead.

chubbybutt22 · 2021-11-11T13:17:28+00:00

I was the higher libido partner in my marriage. It’s really disheartening to beg your partner for sex and I did it for over a year. I bought lingerie. I tried walking up to them naked while they were playing video games. I tried Sexting. it broke me down and made me feel so unloved and really destabilized our relationship. We got divorced. There were more issues than that but it was an issue. And I know it’s something that I will never stay in again.

RomtheDom · 2021-11-11T15:47:10+00:00

I’d do a combination of everything except opening up the relationship or asking him to have sex with someone else. I’m intensely jealous and possessive and I can’t even imagine the point of a relationship where the other person is having sex with people other than me. I’d just check out at that point.

AquaChip · 2021-11-11T14:46:22+00:00

Break up? I’m not dealing with a sex pest or a eunuch.

ShamrockAndDontStop · 2021-11-11T16:20:09+00:00

Was the high libido one. Tried everything for over a year and eventually had to break up.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2021-11-11T17:50:33+00:00

Never an issue for me personally since we've always had matching libido.

But I suppose if for some reason it really didn't match I guess porn? But it's just never been an issue. Really. One of us just initiates and it happens. Like not daily like some people here but more than once a week.

Hjelmert · 2021-11-11T17:58:40+00:00

My man has a slightly lower appetite than me, i dont do anything about it besides try to seduce him more but if he still isnt feeling it i just go play video games or something. The horniness fades away quickly.

Novadina · 2021-11-11T23:03:41+00:00

It’s really hard for me to imagine what things would be like as a lower libido partner as it’s never happened to me. But I’d probably just do what I do now, have sex when he wants it. My partner turns me on with foreplay, so even if I didn’t want it to begin with, I get into it when he starts. I never say no to sex unless I’m sick or just totally exhausted (even then I usually try anyway and then when I’m falling asleep just say we need it to be a quickie).

If for some reason I became asexual entirely and not even able to be turned on anymore and couldn’t l solve it, I’d be super depressed… currently sex is something that brings me joy and there aren’t a lot of things that do that, so I’d be having more issues than just sex. I’d feel terrible for my partner too, I’d offer to do what I could for my him, like handjobs, oral, toys, etc, and even suggest he leave me for someone else. I don’t think he would ever agree to leave me over that though, he’d probably just masturbate more and accept no sex. He would know if I couldn’t have sex it would be hurting me as much as him, and consider it apart of our “through sickness and health” vows. Also if he left me it’s possible he would never find someone else he wants to be with even, he’s only interested in women he has formed an emotional connection with, which has been only a very tiny amount of people in his life, the last date he had before we got together was 10 years earlier. So leaving me would probably be a lower chance of him getting sex than staying with me and continuing to look for a solution.

OneDumbPony · 2021-11-11T13:56:05+00:00

I've been having this pain in my sides since 2019 and had a drop in libido around the start of 2020. I've had blood and urine tests, two different ultrasounds, CT scans, and I'm about to go for 2 more ultrasounds and maybe antibiotics followed by birth control pills because doctors can't figure out whats wrong with me. They're essentially just trying to rule out what does and doesn't work.

Not only did I not have a libido, it was physically painful to have sex and I had to put pressure on my sides to get through it. Luckily I'm with a fantastic guy who respects me and doesn't see me as a sex toy. I didn't have to preform "maintenance sex" like some assholes think women/non men should do. My guy also didn't feel unloved because we still cuddle a lot, give each other massages, and cook for each other... and bjs exist. I'm grateful I have a good guy.

The_Dayne · 2021-11-11T16:08:40+00:00

Was sick for about a 2 years that stemmed from prostatitis I got from my partner who had an asymptomatic infection. This gave me a sort of trauma to wanting to have sex again. Then my Lyme disease got bad. Couple all of this with being molested as a child and sex isn't exactly a priority for me.

I was dumped about a month ago with the whole 'I need space' routine. Said my lack of sex drive and stress of me being sick was part of it. She was the type to want sex all day if possible. When in the past I was assured this wasn't going to be an issue. She had massive depression and needed constant gratification to cover it. I am now on testosterone and steroids to repair my body and have never felt better or hornier, so her loss. Also my little sister dying of an overdose was too much for her. This whole thing has drastically changed how I view dating and sexual relationships

I never cared about sex in relationships and respected my partner's boundaries. But considering this has been an issue held against me now on more than one occasion - Moving forward I am either getting my dick wet or they can find someone else. Life is too short to fuck around. Your health can be taken from you at any moment. No one is safe from this reality. You could be hit by a car, get a disease, or something else that changes everything. I am getting mine or going to someone else, as others have done to me.

NarniaFox · 2021-11-11T13:14:13+00:00

My husband has higher libido than I do, as he could have sex 3 times a day and I just can't physically take so much of it. So our compromise is to try to have sex daily and I help him out by handjobs/blowjobs from time to time in addition to full intercourse.

An important note that he's very understanding of me being tired or stressed out though, he knows that it kills my libido and he doesn't push for it when I say that I'm not in the mood. So, for example, when I was working on my graduation paper and preparing for graduation exams in the same time, I think we weren't having sex regularly for a month or two and he tried his best to support me through it.

I'm not sure what I'd do if my partner had significantly higher libido. Although I'm not sure how higher it can possible get, considering that my husband has already pretty high libido. I wouldn't be okay with opening up our relationships. If it was that big of an issue, I'd consider breaking up, because it isn't something you can really control. There's a point where it's too much for me.

Cupcakelover1985 · 2021-11-11T13:18:41+00:00

This is me in every relationship I’ve been in. Finding an ace or low libido man who also fits my other standards is hard. So I usually just compromise and sleep with them frequently enough for them to be happy.

ohdiddly · 2021-11-11T16:51:36+00:00

In my personal opinion, I believe that if you can’t meet your partners needs in whatever area (including sexual), then they should be able to seek that elsewhere. So I’m cool with him having sex with other people or masturbating.

CFinCanada · 2021-11-11T13:55:47+00:00

With blowjobs.

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-11-11T14:49:48+00:00

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Rylakb · 2021-11-11T15:41:17+00:00

I would look elsewhere.

superlurkage · 2021-11-11T16:39:34+00:00

I would let them go to have all the sex they need. Or don’t need

Frankly, I’d be okay with a near sexless relationship if i really liked them

Plus, there’s all sorts of physical and mental issues that could muddy the waters

EviessVeralan · 2021-11-11T19:16:00+00:00

Are you referring to medical issues that negatively affect sexuality or just wanting it less?

In the case of the former, If sex was made painful I would supplement with oral and handjobs to try to keep him happy while trying to search for a treatment.

In the case of the latter, I would still sleep with him even if i wasnt feeling into it. For a relationship to be healthy for both partners you have to highly prioritize each others happiness.

acornfroggie · 2021-11-11T21:35:31+00:00

This is a question that is easier done than said. I can't answer it without knowing what is causing the libido problem.

If I was the lower libido person it wouldn't be a problem because I'd just have sex anyway. I enjoy sex when I'm not horny. Being close to the person you love is always enjoyable.

boofthegirl · 2021-11-11T22:55:51+00:00

My partner could have sex 3+ times a day and I would be happy with 2-3 times a week. I wouldn’t say I have a low libido but there’s definitely a compromise 😅

nemma88 · 2021-11-12T00:14:59+00:00

Compromise. Hl lowers demands and LL makes an effort to innitiate. Assuming its not too far apart it won't be too much of a big deal.

I didn't sign up for non monogamy either way, though I don't include porn and jerking in that.

Mimoxs · 2021-11-12T03:42:22+00:00

I just went with the grin and bear it and fake it method

I am a relatively good actor and can force myself to do things I don't enjoy more easily than most people.

Nut_Cutlet · 2021-11-18T19:10:06+00:00

CW: A bit graphic so don't read if you don't want any details.

I'm pretty much some kind of asexual. I have a much lower libido than my fiance and I basically just let him have sex with me unless it's really inconvenient (like at 4am or when i'm not feeling well), he's fine with me taking a backseat role during sex when this happens. He likes to have sex everyday when I let him, sometimes twice a day. Sometimes he starts off just wanting a hug and then has his way. (reading this it sounds abusive but im happy where i'm at and we both like CNC) I feel emotionally happy when i've satisfied him so it doesn't really matter to me that im not getting 'off'. However, usually I do start feeling good, often midway through or when he finishes. He's the only person ive ever had sex and he's pretty much 'in charge' in the relationship so it doesn't feel wrong for me. fully understand most women would not be ok with this and that's fine, but I sort of see myself as 'belonging' to him. It actually has raised my libido this way. I used to just deny when I didn't feel that way but the more you have sex, the more you get used to it and it becomes easier, less painful and feels better.

SaBahRub · 2021-11-11T15:11:28+00:00

Break up, obvs. Doesn’t matter which way the imbalance goes

ruboyuri · 2021-11-11T16:53:47+00:00

If you’ve made an effort, what else is there to do but leave?

GridReXX · 2021-11-11T13:35:04+00:00

I know a couple where one has a higher libido than the other.

Shockingly it was the lower libido partner who asked to have an open relationship because they don’t necessarily crave high frequency, they crave variety.

The higher libido partner was okay with opening it up because duh HL, but I think the HL partner is the one who assumes they’re the only one craving “more of something.”

warramite · 2021-11-11T14:46:10+00:00

How would you handle libido differences with your partner?

I wouldn't recommend handling them as you say, whether someone isn't having enough sex or one is having too much sex, the relationship will crumble because of the building resentment from whats happening

Hatred will fester between one of the two, its inevitable and if its already been discussed and one is doing out of obligation, its already there

If you have such a difference in libido that you need to have a conversation about it, the relationship is already finished, its only a matter of time

ConsciousInternal287 · 2021-11-11T15:45:46+00:00

I have a lower libido due to chronic illness and mental health issues/trauma as well as possible asexuality. I ended my last relationship because I was sick of feeling guilty for not being as into it as my ex + a lot of other issues like him being awkward if I didn’t want to do sexual things with him. Right now, I would be happy never having sex again tbh.

Orange_Paisley · 2021-11-11T16:26:17+00:00

We had the opposite problem when he was sick - I had to suck it up and wait for him to feel up to sex. I was willing to do it because, you know, he was sick. Now he’s got a clean bill of health (and a Cialis prescription) so all systems are go, unless it’s shark week.

CimZim · 2021-11-11T13:04:01+00:00

Can we answer going in the opposite direction, or do you want us to imagine what we'd do if we're the lower libido one?

ashpr0ulx · 2021-11-11T13:34:59+00:00

i am the higher libido person in every relationship i’m in. long term, dead bedroom sort of situation would be very difficult for me to do. but i would want to try as much as we could. in a marriage, i would work harder to figure it out. if i just started dating someone or the relationship was not super serious yet, i would probably move along.

i would never want an open marriage. at that point i’d probably just become a sex toy connoisseur.

death_by_1000_cats · 2021-11-11T15:07:14+00:00

Have been there and done that. Had sex anyway. It's not a big deal.

GoWest7 · 2021-11-11T17:08:48+00:00

Being stuck with a guy who doesn't want sex (with me), or watches porn, or is low libido for personal reasons (not health reasons) would be a big problem. It would be like torture watching a low libido, oblivious guy watch TV, eat, maybe not shower, and walk around all day not thinking about sex. I would only grow to dislike him, a lot. It would never work.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2021-11-11T19:17:41+00:00

Yes. I’ve in fact left an ex because he developed erectile dysfunction after he turned 51.

Sexual incompatibility is a dealbreaker for me.

Miserable_Yam4778 · 2021-11-11T19:35:33+00:00

If something medical like that happened I would be deeply destress for myself, I have a high libido and my man and I have sex bare minimum once a day, usually more. Have been for going on 7 years now.

I have zero gripes with porn or masturbation, if that was satisfying to him, but I wouldn't tolerate an open relationship. I would set him loose to go find someone who could give him what he wanted.

januaryphilosopher · 2021-11-11T13:43:46+00:00

I'm higher libido but still having sex enough that I'm not really bothered about it. If I was, I'd simply masturbate without porn. I'd expect the same of my partner if his libido suddenly dropped. I don't consider other options tolerable so it's either do that, deal with it or break up.

lybid8 · 2021-11-11T19:20:19+00:00

Let’s be real here, in majority of cases in heterosexual relationships, the woman has at least a somewhat lower libido than a man, different biology and all that. This is not a medical condition nor does it need treatment. If you’re going to treat it like a medical condition, why not make women’s libidos the standard, and have men take estrogen to reduce theirs?

Couples should have sex only when Both of them want it, kind of like a Venn diagram of sex. If my partner feels like he’s Not getting enough sex out of me, immediate dealbreaker, immediately no.

Mark_Freed · 2021-11-11T13:46:29+00:00

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neetykeeno · 2021-11-11T17:18:38+00:00

I am all for use of porn to handle it but porn use for this purpose needs to be a couple's decision. It is very easy for porn to take over to the extent that the high libido partner is now all drained most of the time and no longer particularly approachable for sex...that is counter productive. And porn can become an incredibly time consuming habit that impacts on other parts of life. I don't feel occasional porn use needs to be negotiated but ongoing regular porn use has too many pitfalls not to be a decision to be made as a couple.

So maybe an agreement that particular times of particular days are for porn if the higher libido partner feels like it. So maybe Sunday night and Thursday night then reassess how the total sex life of both members of the couple is working out every few months to see if both are happy and if further changes can be made.

As for divorce due to changes in libido...well it is a possibility but we're grownups not adolescents and our major life relationship is about more than sex. So that's something every couple needs to consider on its merits in the context of their particular lives. I would certainly not suggest that a couple of 80 year olds with stable finances and a generally understanding and functional relationship divorce just because one of them is over the whole sex thing.

BadRevolutionary3034 · 2021-11-11T19:20:49+00:00

I'm just going to give the controversial (correct) opinion and say that it's the man's job to get the woman into sex. If your girlfriend is going through a dry spell and you can't light some candles and kiss her all over, you quite frankly don't even deserve to be having sex. Getting her in the mood when she's not horny is the bare minimum

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GridReXX · 2021-11-11T13:02:53+00:00

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GridReXX · 2021-11-11T13:07:20+00:00

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Ppdebateismental · 2021-11-11T21:48:02+00:00

ask him to lower his DEMANDS?

🥺

hellhellhellhell · 2021-11-18T06:04:52+00:00

I was in this position before, and I told my partner to see other people and I was 100% fine with it. My partner did not like it though so that didn't last.

quiturbitchn · 2021-11-11T13:20:21+00:00

I wouldn’t date a person with a known huge difference in libido

flapperfemmefatale · 2021-11-11T16:03:44+00:00

Masturbation

Title	How would you handle libido differences with your partner?
Author	Mark_Freed
Upvotes	28
Comments	415
Date	November 11, 2021 12:59 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/qrkrow/how_would_you_handle_libido_differences_with_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-would-you-handle-libido-differences-with-your.1084680 https://theredarchive.com/post/1084680

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